Always and Forever (60 page)
Read Always and Forever Online
Authors: Lauren Crossley
Chapter Twenty
Five
Bethany
The weekend seems to last forever and I spend most
of the time hiding out in my room or texting Jake. He’s still adamant that we
arrange an appointment for me to see the doctor as soon as they’re open on
Monday. I feel sick with dread when I think about having my pregnancy
confirmed. It will just make it all the more real and I’m not quite sure I’m
ready to deal with that yet.
I’m pretty much bombarded with texts from Jake
the whole weekend; he’s constantly checking up on me, asking if I’ve eaten and
if I’m feeling ok. It’s exhausting and even though I appreciate his concern,
it’s been difficult for me finding the time to respond to all of his messages.
It’s hard enough keeping things from mum without worrying about my phone being
discovered. I’m sure she suspects something already and I don’t want to risk
her asking me any awkward questions.
The
only requirement I make for Monday is that I see a female doctor. I’m not
comfortable or at ease with men in general, let alone discussing my sexual
relationship or missed period with one. The thought of it is absolutely
mortifying.
On Monday I wake up with butterflies in my
stomach. Today’s the day everything in my life will change. I receive an early
morning text from Jake to let me know he’s managed to make an appointment for
me later this afternoon. My hands start trembling when I read his text and I
feel the beginning of a full blown panic attack trying to take control. I close
my eyes, telling myself everything will be ok, it just has to be.
I don’t know what I’m going to tell mum, I’ll
probably have to use the excuse of meeting up with Amy again. I know my excuse
has been well and truly overused but I don’t have anything else to tell her. My
father has kept so isolated and secluded over the years, friendships were
impossible.
I make my way downstairs after my shower,
bleary eyed and still exhausted. I hardly got any sleep last night; I kept
tossing and turning with worry about my appointment I knew would be today. I
find mum in the kitchen making me some breakfast and I don’t have the heart to
tell her I don’t want anything.
“Good morning, Bethany. Did you sleep ok?” She
greets me cheerfully.
“Yeah, I suppose so.” I mumble quietly, walking
over towards the kettle and switching it on.
“Are you sure? You look a little pale.”
She says, placing the back of her hand on my forehead to check my temperature.
“I’m fine; I’ve only just woken up.” I reply
grumpily.
She glances at me with an anxious expression on
her face, deciding to say nothing. I almost wish she would push me a little
further; if she were a bit more persistent with me then I’d maybe choose to
open up to her.
I suppose it’s not her fault,
the truth is she’s never had a choice in the
matter. She’s learnt to stay quiet and accept things as they are, she doesn’t
ask questions because she’s always been told her opinion doesn’t matter.
Silence has been her saviour and her solitude.
“Do you want some breakfast?” She asks,
changing the subject.
“I’m just going to have some toast.” I mumble.
The rest of the morning I spend watching TV and
lounging around the house, waiting for the inevitable. I can’t concentrate on
anything; the daytime talk shows go unnoticed and I can’t even focus on my
reading, something which has always been a favourite pastime of mine.
When it’s almost time for me to leave and meet
with Jake, I go in search of mum. I find her in the kitchen in the middle of
tidying the cupboards. Of course they don’t need tidying but I don’t think it
really matters to her; she just wants something to do.
“Mum, I’m going out for a bit if that’s ok. I
want some fresh air.”
“I thought you weren’t feeling well.” She
questions me.
“I told you I’m fine. I might call in and see
Amy on my way back.” I snap.
“Fine. Have a nice time.” She replies sullenly.
I remain silent; she’s never spoken to me like
this before. The distance between us is growing and the hostility in the room
right now is palpable. I have no idea how to salvage our relationship, there’s
nothing I can do or say that would make this right. The only way would be to
tell her the truth and if I do that I’ll be jeopardising my entire future with
Jake.
Five
Bethany
The weekend seems to last forever and I spend most
of the time hiding out in my room or texting Jake. He’s still adamant that we
arrange an appointment for me to see the doctor as soon as they’re open on
Monday. I feel sick with dread when I think about having my pregnancy
confirmed. It will just make it all the more real and I’m not quite sure I’m
ready to deal with that yet.
I’m pretty much bombarded with texts from Jake
the whole weekend; he’s constantly checking up on me, asking if I’ve eaten and
if I’m feeling ok. It’s exhausting and even though I appreciate his concern,
it’s been difficult for me finding the time to respond to all of his messages.
It’s hard enough keeping things from mum without worrying about my phone being
discovered. I’m sure she suspects something already and I don’t want to risk
her asking me any awkward questions.
The
only requirement I make for Monday is that I see a female doctor. I’m not
comfortable or at ease with men in general, let alone discussing my sexual
relationship or missed period with one. The thought of it is absolutely
mortifying.
On Monday I wake up with butterflies in my
stomach. Today’s the day everything in my life will change. I receive an early
morning text from Jake to let me know he’s managed to make an appointment for
me later this afternoon. My hands start trembling when I read his text and I
feel the beginning of a full blown panic attack trying to take control. I close
my eyes, telling myself everything will be ok, it just has to be.
I don’t know what I’m going to tell mum, I’ll
probably have to use the excuse of meeting up with Amy again. I know my excuse
has been well and truly overused but I don’t have anything else to tell her. My
father has kept so isolated and secluded over the years, friendships were
impossible.
I make my way downstairs after my shower,
bleary eyed and still exhausted. I hardly got any sleep last night; I kept
tossing and turning with worry about my appointment I knew would be today. I
find mum in the kitchen making me some breakfast and I don’t have the heart to
tell her I don’t want anything.
“Good morning, Bethany. Did you sleep ok?” She
greets me cheerfully.
“Yeah, I suppose so.” I mumble quietly, walking
over towards the kettle and switching it on.
“Are you sure? You look a little pale.”
She says, placing the back of her hand on my forehead to check my temperature.
“I’m fine; I’ve only just woken up.” I reply
grumpily.
She glances at me with an anxious expression on
her face, deciding to say nothing. I almost wish she would push me a little
further; if she were a bit more persistent with me then I’d maybe choose to
open up to her.
I suppose it’s not her fault,
the truth is she’s never had a choice in the
matter. She’s learnt to stay quiet and accept things as they are, she doesn’t
ask questions because she’s always been told her opinion doesn’t matter.
Silence has been her saviour and her solitude.
“Do you want some breakfast?” She asks,
changing the subject.
“I’m just going to have some toast.” I mumble.
The rest of the morning I spend watching TV and
lounging around the house, waiting for the inevitable. I can’t concentrate on
anything; the daytime talk shows go unnoticed and I can’t even focus on my
reading, something which has always been a favourite pastime of mine.
When it’s almost time for me to leave and meet
with Jake, I go in search of mum. I find her in the kitchen in the middle of
tidying the cupboards. Of course they don’t need tidying but I don’t think it
really matters to her; she just wants something to do.
“Mum, I’m going out for a bit if that’s ok. I
want some fresh air.”
“I thought you weren’t feeling well.” She
questions me.
“I told you I’m fine. I might call in and see
Amy on my way back.” I snap.
“Fine. Have a nice time.” She replies sullenly.
I remain silent; she’s never spoken to me like
this before. The distance between us is growing and the hostility in the room
right now is palpable. I have no idea how to salvage our relationship, there’s
nothing I can do or say that would make this right. The only way would be to
tell her the truth and if I do that I’ll be jeopardising my entire future with
Jake.
It’s only been three days since I last saw him
but it feels more like three years. I asked him to give me space this weekend
and allow me some time to absorb what I found out on Friday. He accepted my
decision and that’s why he’s been checking in on me via text message instead.
It’s getting harder and harder to say goodbye to him when we part ways. The
house I live in no longer feels like home, I don’t know if it ever has been. The
temptation to give in to Jake and agree to go and live with him but I’m just
not ready to turn my back on mum yet. I can’t leave her behind.
Jake and I arranged where we would meet on
Friday. We’re going to order a taxi from there which will then take us on to
the doctor’s surgery. I spot Jake in the distance, already waiting for me and
incredibly anxious.
“Jake?”
He whirls around, relief written all over his
face.
“Bethany, I’ve missed you so much. Come here.”
He says, pulling me against his chest.
“It’s only been three days.” I laugh, not
wanting to admit how badly I’ve missed him as well.
“I don’t care, it felt like a year.” He
mutters, nuzzling into my neck.
“Did you phone a taxi?” I ask, placing my hands
on his chest.
“No, I wanted to wait until you got here. I’ll
do it now.”
He doesn’t take his eyes off me whilst making
the call; they wander up and down my body, taking in every detail. His
penetrating stare makes me tremble. The scorching heat I feel from him is beyond
anything I’ve ever experience before.
“Will they be long?” I ask soon as Jake hangs
up.
“It will be here in ten minutes.”
There’s an awkward silence between us and I
have no idea what we’re supposed to say. I turn around and sit down on the
ground besides the road. I’m now in the exact same spot I was sitting in the
night Jake first collided into me. It’s only been a few weeks since that
fateful night, the night everything changed.
“So all we have to do now is wait.” I say
softly.
“I guess so.” Jake replies, sitting down next
to me. “Listen, this may sound like a stupid question but how are you feeling?
Now that you’ve had the weekend to think about things, has the news sunk in a
little bit?”
“Not really, I still feel like I’m trapped in
some sort of dream or something. Nothing feels real anymore, it’s like I’ve
gone numb.”
“That’s understandable, it’s going to take a
while for it to sink in… for both of us.”
I glance up at him, consumed by the
overpowering wave of guilt that washes over me. I’ve been so preoccupied with
myself, only focusing on how this pregnancy is going to change my life and
affect me. What about Jake? He’s been through this before; he’s already lost a
baby he had fallen in love with, am I really going to make him go through the
pain of losing another?
“I’m really sorry, Jake. I’ve been selfish;
I’ve barely considered your feelings throughout all of this.”
“It’s my job to protect you and that includes
all the worrying that comes with it. You’re the one that’s important; the only
thing I want you to focus on right now is taking care of yourself.” He strokes
a strand of my brown hair between his fingers, his voice so protective and
strong. “That reminds me, what have you eaten today?”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes, reluctant to
have this conversation again.
“I had a slice of toast this morning.”
“And that’s all you’ve? Bethany, we talked
about this and you promised me that you would start eating better.”
“Jake, please let’s not have this argument
again. My diet never bothered you before.”
I grumble petulantly, he makes me feel like a
child when he talks to me like this.
“You weren’t carrying my baby before and I
never knew how poorly you ate.” Jake says harshly.
but it feels more like three years. I asked him to give me space this weekend
and allow me some time to absorb what I found out on Friday. He accepted my
decision and that’s why he’s been checking in on me via text message instead.
It’s getting harder and harder to say goodbye to him when we part ways. The
house I live in no longer feels like home, I don’t know if it ever has been. The
temptation to give in to Jake and agree to go and live with him but I’m just
not ready to turn my back on mum yet. I can’t leave her behind.
Jake and I arranged where we would meet on
Friday. We’re going to order a taxi from there which will then take us on to
the doctor’s surgery. I spot Jake in the distance, already waiting for me and
incredibly anxious.
“Jake?”
He whirls around, relief written all over his
face.
“Bethany, I’ve missed you so much. Come here.”
He says, pulling me against his chest.
“It’s only been three days.” I laugh, not
wanting to admit how badly I’ve missed him as well.
“I don’t care, it felt like a year.” He
mutters, nuzzling into my neck.
“Did you phone a taxi?” I ask, placing my hands
on his chest.
“No, I wanted to wait until you got here. I’ll
do it now.”
He doesn’t take his eyes off me whilst making
the call; they wander up and down my body, taking in every detail. His
penetrating stare makes me tremble. The scorching heat I feel from him is beyond
anything I’ve ever experience before.
“Will they be long?” I ask soon as Jake hangs
up.
“It will be here in ten minutes.”
There’s an awkward silence between us and I
have no idea what we’re supposed to say. I turn around and sit down on the
ground besides the road. I’m now in the exact same spot I was sitting in the
night Jake first collided into me. It’s only been a few weeks since that
fateful night, the night everything changed.
“So all we have to do now is wait.” I say
softly.
“I guess so.” Jake replies, sitting down next
to me. “Listen, this may sound like a stupid question but how are you feeling?
Now that you’ve had the weekend to think about things, has the news sunk in a
little bit?”
“Not really, I still feel like I’m trapped in
some sort of dream or something. Nothing feels real anymore, it’s like I’ve
gone numb.”
“That’s understandable, it’s going to take a
while for it to sink in… for both of us.”
I glance up at him, consumed by the
overpowering wave of guilt that washes over me. I’ve been so preoccupied with
myself, only focusing on how this pregnancy is going to change my life and
affect me. What about Jake? He’s been through this before; he’s already lost a
baby he had fallen in love with, am I really going to make him go through the
pain of losing another?
“I’m really sorry, Jake. I’ve been selfish;
I’ve barely considered your feelings throughout all of this.”
“It’s my job to protect you and that includes
all the worrying that comes with it. You’re the one that’s important; the only
thing I want you to focus on right now is taking care of yourself.” He strokes
a strand of my brown hair between his fingers, his voice so protective and
strong. “That reminds me, what have you eaten today?”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes, reluctant to
have this conversation again.
“I had a slice of toast this morning.”
“And that’s all you’ve? Bethany, we talked
about this and you promised me that you would start eating better.”
“Jake, please let’s not have this argument
again. My diet never bothered you before.”
I grumble petulantly, he makes me feel like a
child when he talks to me like this.
“You weren’t carrying my baby before and I
never knew how poorly you ate.” Jake says harshly.
Before I have a chance to respond to him, our
taxi pulls up, swiftly putting an end to our discussion. Neither one of us says
anything throughout the journey. The driver makes some small talk with Jake but
I can’t take in anything they’re saying. Jake and I are sitting in the back of
the car and I’m grateful when he takes hold of my hand, interlacing our fingers
together in a comforting gesture. I can feel his eyes on me the whole way
there, watching me as I gaze out the backseat window, observing the busy
afternoon traffic passing us by. For so long I wanted to be a part of the
outside world, I longed to be in charge of my own existence and make my own
decisions. I dreamt of the day I would be able to escape the prison my father
created to control me. I’ve only caught a glimpse of the world beyond the four
walls I live in but still hope that one day I’ll see more of it. I want Jake to
be the one who will show it to me and can’t wait for the day I will be truly
free from my father.
We eventually arrive at our destination and the
butterflies in my stomach multiply in their quantity, fluttering their little
wings with dread and trepidation of what’s to come. I stare up at the
building whilst Jake pays the driver, wondering if he will allow me to just
turn around go back home. If I were on my own that’s probably what I’d end up
doing.
“You ready?” Jake asks, taking hold of my hand.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I mumble timidly.
Once we’re in the waiting room I can’t seem to
do anything but fidget. We haven’t discussed whether Jake will come in to see
the doctor with me and if I’m being honest with myself, I think I’d prefer it
if he doesn’t.
“Everything’s going to be ok. You know that,
right?” Jake says, turning around in his seat so he can face me.
“Jake, I know this might not make a lot
of sense to you but I want to ask if it would be ok for me to go in to see the
doctor by myself.”
I notice a brief look of hurt flash across his
face but he quickly tries to hide it.
“Of course it is. If you’re sure that’s what
you want?” He takes my hand in his, tracing circles across the side of my hand
with his thumb.
The sound of my name being called out startles
us both. It’s time for my appointment and its time for me to face what’s
actually happening to me.
“That’s me.” I whisper, stating the obvious.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in
there with you?” His eyes search mine, looking for a glimpse of uncertainty in
them.
“No, I want to do this by myself.” I smile at
him weakly before turning away and walking through the door that leads me out
of the waiting room.
I make my way down the corridor on legs that
tremble, trying to locate the right room and take a deep breath before knocking
on the door in front of me.
“Come in.”
I open the door and am greeted by a smiling,
middle aged woman sitting at her desk.
“Hi.” I say nervously, taking a seat opposite
her.
“How can I help you today, Bethany?”
I’m surprised that she referred to me
using my first name. This woman is a perfect stranger to me but I suppose my
name comes up on my medical records. Regardless of how she knows my name, her
friendly manner instantly puts me at ease.
“Well… three days ago I took two pregnancy
tests and both of them came back positive.” I speak quickly, wringing my hands
together and refusing to meet her understanding gaze.
“Ok, the first thing I need to do know is the
date of your last period.” She tells me, all business like and professional.
taxi pulls up, swiftly putting an end to our discussion. Neither one of us says
anything throughout the journey. The driver makes some small talk with Jake but
I can’t take in anything they’re saying. Jake and I are sitting in the back of
the car and I’m grateful when he takes hold of my hand, interlacing our fingers
together in a comforting gesture. I can feel his eyes on me the whole way
there, watching me as I gaze out the backseat window, observing the busy
afternoon traffic passing us by. For so long I wanted to be a part of the
outside world, I longed to be in charge of my own existence and make my own
decisions. I dreamt of the day I would be able to escape the prison my father
created to control me. I’ve only caught a glimpse of the world beyond the four
walls I live in but still hope that one day I’ll see more of it. I want Jake to
be the one who will show it to me and can’t wait for the day I will be truly
free from my father.
We eventually arrive at our destination and the
butterflies in my stomach multiply in their quantity, fluttering their little
wings with dread and trepidation of what’s to come. I stare up at the
building whilst Jake pays the driver, wondering if he will allow me to just
turn around go back home. If I were on my own that’s probably what I’d end up
doing.
“You ready?” Jake asks, taking hold of my hand.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I mumble timidly.
Once we’re in the waiting room I can’t seem to
do anything but fidget. We haven’t discussed whether Jake will come in to see
the doctor with me and if I’m being honest with myself, I think I’d prefer it
if he doesn’t.
“Everything’s going to be ok. You know that,
right?” Jake says, turning around in his seat so he can face me.
“Jake, I know this might not make a lot
of sense to you but I want to ask if it would be ok for me to go in to see the
doctor by myself.”
I notice a brief look of hurt flash across his
face but he quickly tries to hide it.
“Of course it is. If you’re sure that’s what
you want?” He takes my hand in his, tracing circles across the side of my hand
with his thumb.
The sound of my name being called out startles
us both. It’s time for my appointment and its time for me to face what’s
actually happening to me.
“That’s me.” I whisper, stating the obvious.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in
there with you?” His eyes search mine, looking for a glimpse of uncertainty in
them.
“No, I want to do this by myself.” I smile at
him weakly before turning away and walking through the door that leads me out
of the waiting room.
I make my way down the corridor on legs that
tremble, trying to locate the right room and take a deep breath before knocking
on the door in front of me.
“Come in.”
I open the door and am greeted by a smiling,
middle aged woman sitting at her desk.
“Hi.” I say nervously, taking a seat opposite
her.
“How can I help you today, Bethany?”
I’m surprised that she referred to me
using my first name. This woman is a perfect stranger to me but I suppose my
name comes up on my medical records. Regardless of how she knows my name, her
friendly manner instantly puts me at ease.
“Well… three days ago I took two pregnancy
tests and both of them came back positive.” I speak quickly, wringing my hands
together and refusing to meet her understanding gaze.
“Ok, the first thing I need to do know is the
date of your last period.” She tells me, all business like and professional.
I tell her the date, thankful that I decided to
memorise it from the little black book I keep in my drawer.
“I realised I was a week late on Friday, so now
I’m ten days late.” I explain to her.
“If you’ve taken two pregnancy tests and they
both came back with positive test results, I can almost certainly say you’re
pregnant. Unfortunately, we can’t carry out a test until you’re six weeks
pregnant. Which would mean your period would have to be two weeks late. The HCG
hormone is just too weak for our tests to detect before that stage. However,
the only reason your home pregnancy tests would come back positive is if they
detected that HCG hormone and that’s why I can almost certainly say their
results are accurate.”
memorise it from the little black book I keep in my drawer.
“I realised I was a week late on Friday, so now
I’m ten days late.” I explain to her.
“If you’ve taken two pregnancy tests and they
both came back with positive test results, I can almost certainly say you’re
pregnant. Unfortunately, we can’t carry out a test until you’re six weeks
pregnant. Which would mean your period would have to be two weeks late. The HCG
hormone is just too weak for our tests to detect before that stage. However,
the only reason your home pregnancy tests would come back positive is if they
detected that HCG hormone and that’s why I can almost certainly say their
results are accurate.”
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