Always and Forever (64 page)

I hop down from the kitchen counter and walk over to him,
turning his face towards mine.

“Look at me; do I look like I’m unsatisfied? Do I look
unhappy? Do I look like I regret what just happened? The answer is no. I feel
exactly the same way as you do. This is scary for me too, Jake. I’m petrified
of what’s going to happen next, of how you make me feel and who I become when
I’m around you. You’re the strongest addiction I’ve ever known, one that I’ll
never be able to beat or find a cure for and you know what? I don’t care.”

 “I was frightened today. I very nearly lost it,
Bethany. I’ve never been so close to the edge and I thought I was going to go
insane when I couldn’t get in touch with you. When I found out you had
deliberately chosen to ignore me, I was furious. I thought you didn’t care; I
pictured you going about your day without giving me a second thought. I wanted
to punish you, I wanted to make you hurt and I’m scared because I realise how
fucked up that makes me. I’m no good for you, I’m a complete fucking mess and
it terrifies me. The way I feel about you… it’s hardly healthy. What the fuck’s
going on between us, Bethany?” He tilts my chin up so he can lock those
beautiful, breathtaking eyes on me.

“I have no idea, I really don’t. All I can say to you is
I’m not going anywhere, can you promise me the same thing?”

“Are you kidding me? You think I’d walk away from this? You
think I have the strength to leave you after everything I just said? You’re the
best part of my life and nothing’s going to change that.”

We spend the next thirty
minutes just holding one another, his arms wrapped tightly around me as he
pulls me against his chest, neither one of us wanting to let go. Jake finally
leaves some time after one in the morning and I spend another hour sitting
downstairs by myself. I listen to the sound of the living room clock, the
continuous noise encouraging me to sleep. Eventually, I drag my tired body
upstairs to bed. Of course, all I dream about is him.

The next morning is Friday. I wake up early, shower and
force some breakfast down. I’m starting to feel a little sick in the mornings
and I’m already dreading the days when I’ll have to try and hide my morning
sickness from mum. I’m meeting Jake later on tonight; we’ve arranged to meet at
our usual place so we can talk about things properly.

Its still early morning and I’ve got hours until I have to
leave and meet Jake. I’m craving some fresh air and decide to go out for a
little walk by myself. I want some time alone to organise my thoughts and I
feel like mum is watching my every move whilst I’m at home.

I can hardly look at her after what Jake and I did last
night. I’m disgusted with myself and ashamed that I encouraged Jake to seduce
me whilst my mother was fast asleep upstairs. It felt unbelievable at the time
but in the harsh light of day I can appreciate how tasteless it was. Last night
was a about sex, pure and simple. It was passionate, carnal, salacious and
wrong. I can’t deny it was incredible, an unforgettable, mind-blowing
experience but it was also really thoughtless. What if we had been caught? I
can’t even bring myself to think about how badly it would have hurt my mum if
she had to find out about us that way.

I try to rid myself of these thoughts as I close the front
door behind me. I truthfully told mum that I was going for a walk and wanted some
fresh air. I was worried she would suggest she come with me but she didn’t say
anything. The weather is cold and blustery today, forcing me to fold my arms
and hug my body in an attempt to keep myself warm.

I texted Jake this morning before I left the house, letting
him know that I’m alright and apologising for my silence yesterday. It was
foolish and inconsiderate of me to treat him that way and I certainly won’t be
making the same mistake twice. For some reason I first find myself walking past
gran’s house. It’s like a beacon of light for me at the moment, something that
seems to bring me a great deal of comfort. A selfish part of me really can’t
wait until she comes home. I know she’ll be able to provide me with her honest
opinion and she’ll also be able to bring a new perspective into the equation.

 I’ve thought of nothing but my pregnancy since I
found out about it a week ago today and I’m still no closer to deciding what it
is I want to do. I’m hoping that once gran returns home she’ll be able to help
me figure things out; she’ll be able to help me make sense of the cataclysmic
tornado whirling around inside my head.

It’s when I’m standing right outside gran’s house that I
get the same inexplicable feeling that I’m being watched. I cautiously take
look around me but can see no one. Unable to ignore my peculiar feeling of
unease, I decide to leave and make my way home. I somehow find myself strolling
past my father’s bookstore instead, wondering how the hell I got there. I
figure out it’s because my whole life has revolved around this place, my own
house and gran’s home. It’s almost like I would cease to exist without these
places, everything else is in the world is strange and unknown to me. I’m
afraid of what’s out there and I suppose we take comfort in what we know. Even
though I don’t have a particular fondness for this bookstore, it’s still
familiar to me and it’s all I know.  

As I look up at the bleak and dismal building, I realise
how desolate the place is looking. I know it hasn’t been open in weeks but it
could be years by the state of the exterior, its really run down and neglected.
My father never wanted to make changes or improve the store; any ideas I might
have had about modernising the business were rebuked and never taken seriously.

When the rain starts to fall I decide to head on home. The
weather has turned freezing and my hands are starting to go numb. It’s when I’m
walking down the road in the direction of my house when notice a girl walking
towards me in the distance. I don’t think anything of it until she gets a
little closer and I start to think there’s something familiar about her. The
distance between us closes and I
know
. I’d recognise that long blonde
hair anywhere.

My footsteps slow down; my feet are reluctant to take me another
step. I was freezing a moment ago but now I’m hot, my body temperature has
risen to such an extent that I’m now starting to sweat. My forehead is damp and
my clothes stick to my skin.

 It’s her, I know it is. It’s Sarah. I can now make
out her startling blue eyes now that she’s almost upon me. I knew I’d never
forget them from that night. They were so venomous and cruel; the memory of it
is permanently seared into my memory. She’s only wearing jeans and a tight
T-shirt with a small jacket over the top of it but even in her casual clothing
she still manages to look glamorous. I mentally compare her sophisticated
appearance to my own and once again have to remind myself that there is no
comparison. No matter what Jake says, there’s only one beauty out of the two of
us and it certainly isn’t me. I feel like the plain and unspectacular Jane Eyre
when Rochester insists on parading the exquisitely beautiful Blanche Ingram in
front of her. I recall that Jane would constantly undermine and demean herself
whenever it came to Blanche, driving herself almost mad with jealousy and
insecurity.

She doesn’t seem to have noticed me yet. If I keep my head
down and cross over to the other side of the road I’m hoping she might not
notice me at all. My naive optimism is instantly crushed when she glances up
and I come face to face with her. Her expression brightens with recognition and
I prepare myself for another hideous altercation with her like the one we had
last time. The only difference now is there’s no Jake here to save me.

I nervously take in my surroundings, searching up and down
the street for someone who could help me if she turns violent. There’s no one.
We’re completely alone. I consider the possibility of running away from her, wondering
if I’d be able to outrun her if I need to get away. I’ve always been a fast
runner but now that she’s sober she could easily catch me if I decide to make a
run for it. She stops walking; standing directly in front of me and blocking
any chance I had to escape. The silence between us seems to go on forever as I
patiently await her first insult.

“Hi, Bethany.” She says softly, wringing her hands together
as though she’s really anxious and tense.

“Excuse me?”

It’s got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever said but I
simply can’t believe she would greet me in such a friendly manner. Who is this
girl and what the hell is she playing at? Why is she being nice to me all of a
sudden?

“I’m sorry; I bet that’s the last thing you expected me to
say to you. The truth is the first thing out of my mouth should have been an
apology for my shocking behaviour the other week.” She smiles at me timidly,
there’s absolutely no sign of the cruel, malicious and nasty girl I encountered
last week.

 As for me, I’m speechless. I can scarcely believe the
girl I’m talking to is the same one who screamed at me and spat in my face the
night I first met her.

“I don’t get this. What gives you the right to come up to
me and try to engage me in any sort of conversation after what you did to me?”
I try to move past her but she moves to the side, preventing me from walking
by.

“Look, I’m not trying to start anything, Bethany. I just
want to apologise to you, I’m not looking for any trouble. I’m on my way to a
friend’s house; I never expected to bump into you here.”

She lowers her gaze to the ground; on the surface she
appears uncomfortable and overwrought with unease. However, after what Jake
told me about her I know what a phenomenal actress she can be and I’m choosing
to remain dubious about this convincing performance. Although, her icy blue
eyes implore me to listen to her and my own curiosity is begging me to let her
continue.

“Ok. I’m listening.” I say coolly, trying my best to remain
calm and composed. I can’t let her sense how astonished I really am.

“Bethany, I’m so sorry for what happened that night. I’m
sorry for what I said, for how I behaved and for hurting you like I did. I
openly admit that I was trying to stir u trouble between you and Jake and for
that I am truly sorry.”

 She pauses, waiting to see if I will hear her out.
Her expression is one of surprise when she realises that I’m not going to
interrupt her and am prepared to listen.

“Go on.” I urge her.

“I guess I really owe you some sort of explanation.” She
rakes her manicured fingers through her long hair, as though she’s desperately
searching for the right words to say. I can’t help the envy that this girl
dredges up inside of me. She really is extraordinarily beautiful; no wonder
Jake had a hard time resisting her.

“Yeah, I think you do.” I tell her, struggling to keep my
voice completely devoid of any emotion.

“The truth is I loved Jake. I know you’ll probably find
that hard to believe but I’m not lying. I was hopelessly in love with him and I
suppose a part of me still is. I expect you know by now what happened between
us, how I fucked things up and ruined everything. I always struggled with the
idea that someone like Jake would really want to be with a nobody like me. It’s
no excuse but it’s the only one I have for the reason I behaved so terribly.”

I gape at her in amazement, a strange feeling of
recognition settling between us as I realise that even someone as gorgeous as
Sarah had the same doubts about Jake.

“Why on earth would you feel that way? You’re gorgeous.” I
blurt out, instantly regretting my moment of weakness and honesty.

“Thank you but I always knew that I wasn’t good enough for
him. Everyday I became more and more aware of the fact that I wasn’t worthy of
him. My despicable actions whilst we were together almost felt like a
compulsion, I was out of control and I felt like there was nothing I could do
about it. I couldn’t understand why Jake continued to stand by me, I knew he
didn’t love me, he never has.”

“I’m sorry you lost the baby, Sarah.”

She flinches at my words, the heartache she must have been
through after losing her baby must have been unbearable and I certainly
wouldn’t wish the heartache of unrequited love on anyone.

“I lost Jake when I had my miscarriage. My whole world fell
apart and I was powerless to stop it. He only stayed with me because of the
baby and when I lost it I knew it was only a matter of time before he left me.”

“Please don’t upset yourself; you don’t need to tell me
anymore.” I say, reluctant to make her relive the agony she’s been through.

“I’m ok; I need to get this stuff off my chest. Bethany,
there’s no excuse for why I cheated on Jake but you have to understand that I
was hurting so badly. I was all alone and had no one to turn to. Jake couldn’t
stand to be anywhere near me, he didn’t want to see me or talk to me, I was so
isolated and just needed someone to show me some comfort. I went looking for it
in the wrong place but by the time I realised how wrong it was Jake had already
put an end to things between us.”