Always and Forever (62 page)
Read Always and Forever Online
Authors: Lauren Crossley
and you’ve pushed me too far.” I say solemnly, ignoring the part of me that
gets off on the electrifying chemistry between us. It’s practically sizzling
with passion and lust.
“I shouldn’t have said those things. It’s just
that you mean so much to me; I’d do anything to keep you safe. I know he’s away
but your father could come home at anytime and I don’t want him anywhere near
you, Bethany.”
I wish I could explain things to him, I wish he
knew how things really were. My father looks upon me as his property, something
that belongs to him and he won’t let me be stolen by anyone. He’s always been
the same and his hateful disdain of me won’t make any difference, he will never
let me go.
“I understand how anxious you are but you have
to stop pressuring me like this. You’re only making me more stubborn and
determined to stick to my decision. If you lived alone things might be
different but you share a house with your mum and three sisters. I can’t impose
myself upon a family that don’t even know me.”
“You don’t need to worry about that, I’d
explain things to them. I just need you with me, Bethany. I want us to be
together all the time and start our lives together properly.”
“We have the rest of our lives. Why does that
have to start today?”
“Because I’m absolutely crazy about you and I
want you all to myself. I want every second of every minute of every day with
you.” He says solemnly, wrapping his arms around my waist and bringing our
bodies closer.
“I’m yours, Jake. How many times do I have to
say it? All I want is for you to give me some time, I still haven’t decided
what I’m going to do about the baby and I need some space from you to think
things over. Please understand that.” I implore him.
“I can do that.” He tells me, his voice so
soothing and understanding, a complete contrast to his demeanour a few moments
ago.
“Thank you.” I say gratefully.
His fingers take hold of my chin, dragging his
thumb along the length of my lower lip.
“God, I want you so badly, now more than ever.”
He whispers.
“Really? How badly?” I seductively bite down on
my bottom lip, remembering how irresistible Jake finds it.
“Sweetheart, I love it when you tease me but
only when I can do something about it and right now… I can’t. So please don’t
torture me.” His athletic arms tighten around my waist, intensifying our
connection and bringing our heaving chests closer together.
I can’t help but glow with pride at his words;
to know that I have such a remarkable affect on him is pretty spectacular.
I’m preoccupied with these thoughts when I feel Jake’s lips descend upon
my own. He groans in frustration when I refuse to open up for him. His
persistent tongue continues to run along my bottom lip, trying to persuade me
to participate.
“I’ve got to go.” I say, breaking away from
him. This time I’m the one who’s trying to conceal my smug smirk from him.
“But I need you.” He begs me, trying to guide
my lips back towards his.
I surrender myself to him and he growls in
appreciation. His tongue immediately finds its way inside my mouth, stroking
along the side of my own until their twirling together in a unique dance of
seduction.
“I really have to get back and we can’t do this
here.”
“Why not? Let’s give these nosy neighbours a
show they’ll never forget.” He growls, gently biting my neck.
I know he’s only teasing but the idea makes my
whole body tingle with pleasure and arousal. I somehow manage to free myself
from his merciless hold, convincing him that enough’s enough. I have to get
back home. Saying goodbye to him is really difficult but I promise him I’ll be
in touch when I’m ready to see him. He’s unenthusiastic about having to leave
me but I somehow manage to persuade him it’s the right thing to do.
down and his hands buried deep in his pockets. I long to run after him, I’m
desperate to make things right between us. There’s such a huge weight on his
shoulders and so much sorrow inside him, every single part of me wants to reach
out and offer him some comfort. The most difficult thing is I know what would
ease his suffering; the only thing that would help him is me deciding to keep
the baby.
When I can’t see him anymore, I turn and start
to make my own way home. I’ve only been gone a couple of hours so I shouldn’t
have to explain anything to mum. It’s during my journey home that I start to
feel a little uncomfortable; I have the most peculiar, unexplainable feeling
that I’m being watched again. I look behind me but of course there’s no one
there, maybe it’s my mixed up emotions making me paranoid or something.
I try to ignore the strange sensation of
being observed but it refuses to leave me. It’s as though I can sense someone’s
eyes on me, watching my every move. I finally reach home and stand on the front
doorstep, taking a good look around me. There’s no one there and I convince
myself I’m just being silly. I feel it again when I make my way inside the
house, someone’s gaze is fixed firmly on me and I have no idea what its motive
is. Someone’s watching me, there’s no doubt about it. I don’t know who it is
and I don’t know what they want but I instinctively know they’re close by and
watching. I can feel their presence and it sends shivers down my spine. I’m
left unnerved and shaken the rest of the night, unable to concentrate on
anything but the eyes on me all the way home.
Later that night I fall into a restless,
disruptive sleep where I dream about shadows and ticking clocks. It’s as though
my subconscious is already aware that my time is up. Something’s about to
happen, my lies and deceit are about to catch up with me and I must finally
face the consequences.
Six
The next few days are horrendous and I spend every waking
moment worrying about the monumental decision I still have to make. Jake
continues to bombard me with text messages, begging me to meet up with him and
I even surprise myself when I keep on making excuses for why I can’t see him.
Even though I do feel selfish, I realise I need some time alone so I can think
about things. I’ve realised that when I’m around Jake I feel guilty, I carry
the burden of guilt like a heavy load and only when I’m apart from him does the
weight of that load leave me.
I know Jake’s against the idea of me having a termination
and at the moment being around him makes me too uncomfortable. It would be so
much easier if I felt the same way as he does about the baby, if only I could
get my head around the idea and feel some sort of excitement or optimist about
going through with the pregnancy. I can’t help wondering if it would even be
fair of me to bring this innocent life into the world when I’m not sure it’s
what I even want. I need to be certain that any child of mine will be safe,
happy, loved and taken care of and I guess I’m not certain I can offer it any
of those things.
We haven’t heard from my father since he telephoned over a
week ago postponing his return home. He told my mum he’d be gone for a few more
weeks and besides that he’s given us no indication as to when he will be back.
The atmosphere at home is much more bearable without him around and I know my
relationship with mum would be so much better if he didn’t come home. I might
even choose to confide in her and tell her everything; it would be wonderful
being open and honest with her for a change. We could be like a real mother and
daughter without all the secrecy and lies.
I made an excuse to leave the house and returned the money
I borrowed from the bookstore. I felt a great sense of relief as soon as I had
done it; I hated the fact that I had stolen money and kept on worrying about my
father coming home early and noticing the money missing from the till.
The person I really long for
at the moment is gran. She’s still away visiting her old school friend and I
haven’t the heart to ruin her much needed relaxation by burdening her with my
problems. I’ve been avoiding her when she telephones because I know she would
instinctively know something is wrong with me by my voice. She’s always been
there for me; she’s always been the one person I can truly rely on. My whole
childhood would have been empty and extremely isolating if it weren’t for
gran’s presence and she knows me better than anyone. If she were here right now
I would have confessed everything to her already. However, I’m not about to ruin
her holiday with her friend, she gave me so much when I was younger; it’s my
turn to give something back. She deserves this time for herself, time to rest
and recuperate after her stay in hospital.
Today is Thursday and I haven’t seen Jake since my doctor’s
appointment on Monday. I chose to ignore all of the messages he sent me this
morning, deciding that I really needed an entire day to myself without thinking
about Jake, the baby or the tumultuous decision I have to make.
Mum and I actually spent a nice day together. We got the
bus to the small village where she used to volunteer in the charity store and
she called in to see her old friends. It was lovely to see her socialising
again; I know how much she misses the store and the people who volunteer there.
I decided to take a walk whilst she spent some time catching up with her old
friends and it was during my exploration that I found the most delightful
little coffee shop. It looked so cosy and welcoming; I knew immediately that we
had to go in there before we left.
I spent another half an hour or so wandering around,
looking in the shop windows and sitting on the bench by the lake that ran
through the village. The sun was beaming down on me and I could already feel my
fair skin start to tingle from the heat. Spring was finally coming; I could
feel it in the air.
Mum looked so happy when I arrived back at the charity
store to meet her. She was smiling and had a twinkle in her eye that I can’t
remember seeing before.
“Are we ready to go?” She asked, waving goodbye to the
women in the shop.
“I actually just saw a small coffee shop around the corner
from here and would really like to go in there before we go. Would that be ok?”
I asked hopefully.
She agreed at once and we
spent the rest of the afternoon talking over coffee and cakes. It was so nice
to spend some quality time with her and I found myself laughing and smiling as
though I didn’t have a care in the world. It was wonderful just to forget for a
little while, even if it was only pretend. I kept on reminding myself to
cherish every single moment; I wanted to memorise her smile and the lovely
sound of her laughter. I somehow knew we would never get the chance to spend
another day together like it and this made it even more special for me to
remember.
It’s now midnight, mum went to
bed over an hour ago and I’m downstairs half watching a One Tree Hill episode
on DVD. There’s no longer any noise from upstairs so I presume she’s fast
asleep, making it safe enough for me to finally check my phone. I switch it to
silent as soon as I turn it on, inhaling sharply when I see I have forty text
messages from Jake and twenty-five missed calls. He must have been trying to
get in touch with me all day and going out of his mind with worry. I quickly
read through a handful of Jake’s messages, consumed by guilt as I scan over
them.
Jake: Bethany, I haven’t heard from you this morning so
could you please text me and let me know how you are. Love you, Jake x
Jake: Hey, I’m just checking if you got my message? If you
have can you please text me back and let me know you’re ok. It still doesn’t
feel right being away from you at a time like this. I love you, please contact
me x
Jake: Ok, I’m starting to worry now. It’s been hours and I
still haven’t heard from you. I understand if you need some time alone but I
just want to know that you’re ok. I promise to respect your privacy but only
after I’ve heard back from you. Please let me know how you are, I’m starting to
panic.
Jake: Bethany, where are you? What’s going on? I’m going
insane worrying about you and need to know you’re alright. This isn’t fair and
I’m begging you to stop if you’re giving me the silent treatment on purpose.
Jake: Bethany, if you don’t reply in one hour then I really
will believe something’s wrong and I’m coming over there. I don’t give a fuck
about your mum finding out about us, I have to see you. I’m going crazy
wondering what the hell has happened to you and why you’ve not been replying to
me all day. I’ve tried calling your phone several times and it goes straight to
voicemail. It’s either switched off or you’re deliberately ignoring me. Either
way, I have to see you; I won’t rest until I know you’re ok.
Jake: I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, answer your
phone, Bethany. Answer it right now. I’m serious when I say I’m coming over.
Jake: That’s it. I can’t take it anymore, I’m on my way.
I read his last text and notice he only sent it ten minutes
ago. That means he’s on his way over here right now. Any second he’ll be
hammering on my front door, demanding to see me. I consider typing out a hasty
response to him and beg him not to come but decide on phoning him instead, it
will be much faster. I press the call button and silently close the sitting
room door which leads into the hallway so mum won’t overhear anything from
upstairs.
“Bethany, where the hell have you been?” Jake answers
immediately, sounding incredible anxious and more than a little angry with me.
“Jake, I’m really sorry. I’ve only just read through your
messages.” I say
“What the hell’s going on? Why have you been ignoring my
calls? I’ve been going fucking crazy wondering why I haven’t heard from you.
I’m on my way over to yours right now.”
“No! Please don’t come, Jake. I’m really sorry I haven’t I haven’t
been in touch until now but I had my phone switched off and I spent the entire
day with mum. I just wanted to spend some quality time with her.” I stammer
nervously, desperately trying to explain.
“And you couldn’t have sent me a text to explain? You
couldn’t spare a single moment to let me I didn’t have to worry and that you
were ok. It’s really messed up, Bethany. I was sure something awful must have
happened, I thought something had gone wrong with the baby, I was imagining you
in hospital and all sorts of awful things. I’ve been a fucking wreck all day.”
He yells down the phone, struggling to control his frustration.
“I’m sorry, I really am but please don’t come over.” I
plead with him, making my way into the kitchen so my phone call won’t be discovered.
“This isn’t negotiable. I’m already on my way; I need to
see you with my own eyes. I need to know that you’re ok.”
“But I’m telling you I’m fine! You can’t come over now, my
mum’s in bed.”
“How do I know you’re not being forced to say that? Your father
could be standing over you right now, dictating to you what to say.”
“I’m telling you the truth, no one’s here and I’m ok!” I
whisper exasperatedly.
“I still have to see you; I’m two minutes away from your
house so quit trying to change my mind. Oh, make sure you actually answer the
door or I promise I’ll make sure your entire neighbourhood will hear me when I
break it down, including your mum.” He says menacingly.
Shit, I’ve really gone and done it this time, he’s really
pissed off and is beyond the stage of being reasonable.
“Fine. I’ll wait for you outside.”
“No. I don’t want you out in the dark by yourself, just
unlock the front door and I’ll let myself in.”
“Jake, I can’t let you in here, my mum will hear us.”
“I don’t care, Bethany. I’m really mad, I’ve been torturing
myself all day and the only thing that will calm me down is seeing you. It’s
not enough for me just hearing your voice, I have to see you.”
“Fine!” I hiss, hanging up the phone.
I wish he wouldn’t bully me like this. Why can’t he just
accept my apology and let me go to bed? I hurry into the hallway and turn the
key in the front door, unlocking it for him. I return to the living room and
sit down, anxiously anticipating his arrival.
I’ve only waiting a couple of minutes when I hear the front
door open quietly and Jake enters. I realise what a huge risk we’re taking, by
Jake being here there’s every chance we’ll be caught and our whole relationship
could be exposed. Mum has never been a heavy sleeper, she frequently tells me
she suffers with insomnia. I pray tonight’s the exception.
I move across the room so I can face the doorway, startled
when I see the silhouette of Jake already standing there. I place a finger on
my lips, telling him to say nothing. He narrows his eyes at me, as though he
can’t quite believe I have the audacity to ask him anything right now. I motion
for him to follow me into the kitchen and watch him close the door, preventing
any noise from escaping upstairs.
“Explanation time.” He demands, scowling at me as he folds
his arms.
“I’ve already told you. I had my phone switched off all day
and I’ve only just seen some of your messages.”
“If you hadn’t turned your phone off you would have seen
them before now.” He says tersely.
“It was selfish of me but I just wanted some space. I spent
the whole day with mum; I didn’t have the opportunity to look at my phone.”
My excuse is feeble but the truth is I don’t know why
I’ve been ignoring Jake or why I’ve been so desperate to have some time away
from him. I suppose its easier when we’re apart, when he’s not around I can
almost forget. I can pretend and choose not to think about everything that’s
happening to me, I long to escape my reality rather than immerse myself in it.
“You could have at least had the decency to let me know you
were ok!” He shouts.
“Keep it down! My mum’s upstairs.” I implore him.
“All I want to know is why you’ve been deliberately
avoiding me all day. You must have known how tormented I would be, that I’d go
berserk when I heard nothing back from you. Why would you put me through that?
I don’t understand.”
“I just wanted some space and some time away from you. I
wanted to forget everything and pretend that everything is normal. It’s easier
for me to do that if I have no contact with you.” I tell him truthfully, hating
the wounded look on his face as I confess my honesty to him.
“I can understand that but what I can’t grasp is why the
hell you couldn’t just explain that to me. You could have sent me one text and
I would have been satisfied. Didn’t I at least deserve that, Bethany?” He
asks, taking a step closer towards me.