Read Always and Forever Online
Authors: Lauren Crossley
Always and Forever (29 page)
I remember when Carla was little; she came home from
school and told me that her homework project was to draw a picture of her
family. She later showed me her drawing of mum and the memory of it still
haunts me. The mum she had sketched in the picture had a cigarette in one hand
a bottle of vodka in the other. It broke my heart because I knew Carla truly
believed that this was normal, she didn’t know any different and it hurt me to
see our mum through her daughter’s eyes. I even tried showing it to her, hoping
it would trigger something inside of her and make her want to be a better role
model for her children. Of course it didn’t. Mum will never change, she doesn’t
know how and to be honest… I don’t think she even wants to try.
“I don’t think I’m better than anybody, least of all you.”
I lie, hoping to diffuse the argument she is itching to have.
“If you want my advice you should try and sort things out
with Sarah. She’s a nice girl and you could do a lot worse.”
That’s another thing I hate about my mum, she adored Sarah.
The two of them got along really well and even though I wasn’t to blame for the
break up, I somehow ended up with the blame of it.
“Yeah, she’s a real nice girl.” I say sarcastically.
“Jake, she made one mistake. You need to try and forgive
her; you were perfect for one another.” She pokes me in the chest with her
index finger, pushing me against the front door.
I can’t believe that she’s still trying to defend her. She
has no fucking idea about how badly I suffered, how I had to live with Sarah’s
betrayal every single day and how it nearly dragged me under. I could have
drowned in my misery and there was one point where things got so dark, I didn’t
feel like I had the strength to carry on.
I remember the night I met Bethany for the first time. That
day had been a bad one, I think it had taken me all day to drag myself out of
bed and the pain I was coping with had become excruciating and unbearable. I
didn’t think I could take much more and was running out of options. That
evening my mum had asked me to go to the corner shop to get a few things and I
remember moaning about it because I didn’t want to go. I suppose that’s one
thing I should thank her for, if I hadn’t gone to the shop that night I never
would have met Bethany. Don’t get me wrong, the pain of what happened is still
with me, to be honest I don’t think it will ever leave but it’s now turned into
a dull ache rather than the agony I was dealing with before. It’s manageable
and the only person I have to thank for that is Bethany. She made me feel alive
again, she gave me a purpose and without her I feel like all my hope is gone.
So to hear my mum defending Sarah is the last thing I want
to hear right now. I suppose I can’t really blame her, the similarities between
the two of them is overwhelming. I realised a long time ago that Sarah is just
a younger version of my mum and the realisation of this still terrifies me
beyond belief.
“You know she did more than just make one mistake and
you’re delusional if you think I would ever get back together with her!” I
yell, hating myself for revealing my anger, it’s what she feeds on. My
destruction and misery is equivalent to her food.
“She told me that you’ve met somebody else. If that’s true
don’t even think about bringing the little tramp around here because she won’t
be welcome.” She snarls spitefully.
Her words are foolish, it’s like she’s just poured salt onto
a very painful wound. I glare down at her, projecting all of my venom and
hatred into her eyes. She’s not much taller than Bethany and I easily tower
over her, she shrinks back as though she’s afraid, causing me to feel an odd
sense of satisfaction and victory.
“You don’t need to worry about me bringing her here, that’s
never going to happen. She’s far too good for this place; she’s above every
single one of you.” I snap, purposefully looking her up and down with distaste.
After everything she’s done to me over the years, I
still used to hope that one day we would be able to reconcile our differences.
She’s my mum and I love her but I won’t allow her to talk about Bethany that
way.
Her mouth falls open in shock her face turns pale. I’ve
never spoken to her like this before and I’m sure it’s taken her by surprise.
I’ll probably beat myself up about it later but right now I’m far too angry to
be apologetic. Before she can say another word, I barge right past her and run
the stairs. I slam my bedroom door shut and tear off my wet clothes, tossing
them to the side before reaching for my phone.
I try calling her again but it goes straight to voicemail.
I don’t even know if she’s managed to charge her phone yet, does she know that
I’m trying to call her? I gave her more money to top up her phone’s credit but
I start to wonder if she managed to figure it out. I have a terrible feeling in
the pit of my stomach that I’ve just lost the best thing that ever happened to
me.
I try calling her over the next hour but eventually admit
defeat and decide to take a shower. I close my eyes, standing directly
underneath the water, enjoying the feeling of its warmth cascading over me. I
drag my fingers through my hair, wishing it was hers. God, I’d give anything to
have her here with me now. I can’t help but wonder if she would have agreed to
come back with me, if only she hadn’t asked me that damn question. She could
have been sleeping in my arms; I could have woke up tomorrow morning to find
her warm, fragile body pressed against mine. The thought of it makes me hard
and I growl in frustration, violently shutting off the shower and grabbing a
towel.
Before Bethany I wouldn’t have felt frustration like this,
I would have found somebody to relieve me of all this tension. Of course the
idea of that now turns my stomach. The only person I want to pleasure me is
her. I ache for her so badly, it hurts. It really fucking hurts.
By the time I’m back in my bedroom I’ve come to a decision.
If she hasn’t replied to me by tomorrow morning then I’m going to go ahead with
my plan. I know she’s not going to like it but I have no other choice. She
won’t be able to ignore me if I’m standing right in front of her. She’ll have
to talk to me; she’ll have to hear me out. The only problem now is… I have to
find her.
Bethany
I wake up and feel
awful
. I’m so ashamed
of myself for my behaviour last night and the way that I treated Jake. The
things I said to him were unforgivable. I cover my face with my hands feeling
utterly mortified at my behaviour from the night before. I consider going back
to sleep but then I remember the dreams I had last night of Jake, all of them
involved seeing him with other women and I don’t think I can take any more
distressing nightmares. The most excruciating of them all was the one I had
where he was surrounded by five women. They were all over him, kissing him,
stroking him and dancing on his lap and he did little to discourage them. I was
powerless to stop it and the fury that I felt watching it happen was sickening.
God, I need to get a grip. He’ll never want to
speak to me again and I need to start getting used to the idea. I can’t believe
I actually ran away from him when all he was trying to do was explain things to
me. I didn’t even give him a chance to talk and he was still pleading with me
to come back when I was running in the opposite direction. I am the world’s
biggest fool…
I suppose that’s why I haven’t touched my phone
since I got home last night. I won’t be able to handle Jake telling me that he
never wants to see me again. I’d rather remember the good times and when I’m
strong enough, I’ll be brave and face whatever Jake has to say to me. Maybe
then I’ll be able to deal with him ending things between us. Every time I close
my eyes I see his face. I relive the pain I saw in his eyes and the sound of
his voice when he was begging me not to leave him. I remember him telling me
that he loved me and the fact that I didn’t even acknowledge the beauty of his
words.
start crying again but it only makes me feel more pathetic.
I’m
the one
that caused this and therefore
I
should be the one that’s suffering now.
I’ve never been more ashamed or disgusted with myself and the worst part is I
don’t even know why I acted the way I did. I’ve thrown away the best thing
that’s ever happened to me and the knowledge of that will stay with me for the
rest of my life. I admit that hearing he lost his virginity when he was only
thirteen years old was horrifying but he could have lied to me. He could have
kept the truth from me but he was brave enough to be honest with me and all I
did was throw it back in his face. I wonder where he went after I left, did he
go home or did he go someplace else? The images in my mind are relentless; my
imagination keeps picturing him being intimate with other women. I forcefully
shake my head, trying to rid myself of the torturous scenarios that my mind
keeps taunting me with. I know there will be plenty of women who will happily
take my place, women that won’t judge Jake because they won’t actually care
about him at all, women who have plenty experience and no opinions about the
type of person he was or who he should be because they won’t care. I suppose my
main issue was that I cared too much.
As soon as I get up mum informs me that I have
to work in the bookstore today. I normally don’t work on Saturdays but I decide
not to question my father’s decision. It will only make things worse. He’s
already at the bookstore so I really need to hurry up and get ready. The
tension between us has been unbearable since the day he found out that I was
going to lie to him to protect mum. I used to think that his love for me was
unbearable but his hostility is even worse.
As I’m getting ready I find the number that
Callum gave me last night. I’d removed it from my pocket before giving mum my
clothes to wash and shoved it inside one of my drawers. I was so consumed by
thoughts of Jake that I’d forgotten all about it. I’m still not sure what I
should do with it, I decide to not deal with it right now and shove it back
inside my drawer. I know how determined Jake was when he begged me not to
contact Callum. It hurt me to know that he didn’t trust me but I could also see
where he was coming from. I’d hate for him to be involved with someone else, even
if he told me that she was just a friend. A single tear falls down my cheek; I
hastily wipe it away and make my way downstairs. I can’t think about this
anymore, I have to go to work.
I
exchange a few polite words with mum, I can tell that she’s desperate to ask me
about what happened last night but I need to get to the bookstore as soon as
possible and don’t have time to explain anything to her. Mumbling a quick
goodbye, I throw on my jacket and slam the front door. The weather is freezing
this morning but it’s no longer raining, the puddles from last night’s downpour
are a painful reminder of what happened. They enable me to feel Jake’s presence
all around me, he consumes my every thought and I can’t help but wonder what
he’s doing right now. I wonder if he’s thinking of me and regretting how things
ended between us. I know he won’t want to hear from me again but I just wish
that I could tell him how sorry I am and how I wish things might have been
different between us. I want to thank him and tell him how much he means to me.
More than anything I want him to be happy, even if it is with someone else.
myself. I can’t afford to appear weak today. If he senses my weakness then
he’ll use it to his own advantage and destroy me.
“Where the hell have you been?” He barks at me,
as soon as I open the door.
“I’m sorry; I came as soon as I could.” I reply
meekly.
He looks at me with so much hatred and
distaste. It makes me realise that the love he once suffocated me with is now
long gone.
“What time did you wake up?” He asks, narrowing
his eyes at me in disgust.
“An hour ago.” I mumble nervously, despising
myself for revealing my fear to him.
“So it’s taken you an hour to get here? Maybe
you need to start working here everyday and you might learn something about
punctuality.” He snaps.
I simply nod my head in agreement, it’s not
like I actually have a say in the matter. I make my way to the back of the
store and open the door to the closet where I leave my jacket when I hear his
angry footsteps behind me. He spins me around so that I’m facing him and I gasp
when I see the furious expression on his face.
“What is it? What did I say?” I tremble,
wondering what the hell I’ve done wrong this time.
“You said nothing and that’s the point! Have
you lost your voice? Or have you decided to become a mute?” His voice is laced
with sarcasm and cruelty.
I try so hard to remain strong. I want to
close my eyes and block out his vicious words but it’s no use… I can’t do it. I
long to be invisible and then I wouldn’t have to contend with any of this, all
I want is to disappear.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper inaudibly.
“What did you say? I can’t quite hear you.” He
waves his hand in front of my face as though I’m stupid and the can feel of his
breath on my face makes me want to throw up. Everything he’s doing right now is
to humiliate me and I hate the fact that he’s succeeding.
“I’m said I’m sorry. Of course I’ll work here
everyday if that’s what you’d like.”
“Good, I need you to pay attention when I’m
talking to you. Now get on with your work, make sure the bookshelves are clean
and tidy up.”
“Yes Dad.”
The rest of the morning goes by so slowly, he
watches my every move and I can feel his eyes on me wherever I go. I could
maybe cope with his treatment of me if I knew I still had Jake but now that
I’ve lost him everything seems so hopeless. I find myself questioning why I’m
even trying. If this is what my existence is going to be like from now on then
I’d rather not be here.
“Bethany, I’m going out for an hour. Don’t even
think
about going anywhere, I’ll be back soon.” He growls, shoving me
out of the way to get his coat.
I nod my head in acknowledgement but this
doesn’t appease him. He raises his eyebrows at me as though I’m dumb, forcing
me to mumble yet another apology. He chooses to ignore me and slams the door on
his way out. As soon as he leaves, I scurry to the back room and fumble for my
iPod which I left in the pocket of my jacket. I have the next sixty minutes all
to myself and I can’t take the silence for a moment longer. I’ll be in deep
trouble if he finds me listening to music when I’m supposed to be working but I
need to silence some of the racing thoughts I keep having about Jake. Hoping
Rihanna’s ‘What Now’ will do that for me, I press play.
Unfortunately, I find myself being able to
identify with the lyrics and her voice makes my heart yearn for Jake even more.
I try so hard not to cry but after the way my father just spoke to me I feel
even more fragile than I did when I first woke up.
Warm, relentless tears start to cascade down my
face and I can’t even be bothered to try and stop them. I furiously wipe at my
eyes with the back of my sleeve but they still continue to fall. I can’t
believe that I’ve been so foolish. I’ve destroyed everything and I’ve ruined my
one chance at happiness. Jake told me that he loved me last night. I had the
perfect opportunity to say it back but I was so consumed with jealousy and
anger. I ruined everything, I destroyed what we had… what we could have had.
I’ve lost the love of my life and for what? It was all for nothing. I know that
he’ll never be able to forgive me and the thought of Jake being mad at me
breaks my heart.
My crying soon turns into sobbing and I
lean against the desk, cradling my head in my hand. I feel so hopeless, how
will I carry on? I’ll never hear his voice again, I’ll never see his smile or
his eyes light up whenever he sees me, I’ll never feel his lips against mine,
I’ll never know what it feels like to be held by him ever again. I’m now
gasping for air, exhausted and inconsolable, the song is almost over and I know
by the time it finishes I’m going to have to pull myself together.
I’m suddenly startled by a firm hand on my
shoulder. I tear myself away, pulling my earphones out forcefully. I expected
to see my father’s furious face staring back at me but when I turn around, its
Jake’s brown eyes I collide with. I blink several times, trying to rid my eyes
of their unshed tears. Any minute now I’m going to be able to see clearly and
I’ll realise that Jake isn’t standing right in front of me after all. It’s all
been a cruel figment of my imagination. I open my eyes again but he’s still
there. I frown up at him in confusion. Am I dreaming? Is this a hallucination?
“Baby…” Jake whispers. He reaches out for me
and wipes away my remaining tears with his thumb.
“Jake, what are you doing here?”
“Shh, I’m here now. You don’t need to cry.” He
says softly, walking around to my side of the desk. He pulls me towards him
until I’m locked within his powerful embrace.
My heart is beating so vigorously, I’m certain
he can hear it.
“Jake, I don’t understand.” I mumble into his
chest.
“It’s ok. You don’t have to worry about
anything; everything’s going to be ok.” He continues to stroke my hair,
whispering comforting words into my ear.
“I can’t believe you are really here.” My voice
is hoarse due to the amount of tears I’ve already shed. I try to pull away from
him, wanting to see his face but he refuses to let me go, tightening his hold
on me.
“I don’t want to let you go yet.”
“But I need to see you.”
He quickly releases me, changing his
position so that he’s standing right in front of me.
“How is it possible that you’re here?”
He remains silent, running his fingers through
my unruly hair, stroking the strands of it between his fingertips.
I abruptly realise where we are standing.
We’re in my father’s bookstore and he could be back any moment. The realisation
of this makes my stomach churn and my knees begin to shake.
“I’m sorry I startled you. I didn’t mean to
creep up on you like that. I tried calling your name but you didn’t hear me.”
He nods his head towards my iPod and I realise that my earphones are still
blaring. I hastily turn it off before shoving it in my pocket.
He smiles at me weakly and I finally notice how
exhausted he looks. He has dark circles underneath his eyes and there’s stubble
on his face that I haven’t seen before. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
“It’s ok. I just never expected to see you
here.”
“I know I shouldn’t be here but I had to see
you. I’ve been calling you every ten minutes since last night. I needed to know
that you were ok, even if you don’t want to see me again… I had to know that
you were safe. I wouldn’t have been able to rest until I knew that you were
alright.” He swallows anxiously and my heart aches for the amount of pain I’ve
put him through.
“But how did you find me? I don’t understand…”
“I haven’t slept, I couldn’t. I’ve been going
out of my mind with worry. I had to do something; I needed to know that you
were ok.”
“What did you do?”
“I went back to your gran’s house.” He licks
his lips as though he’s really nervous, preparing himself for my reaction.
“What? Why did you do that?” I can’t believe he
did this, I never expected Jake to go to such lengths to find me, especially
after the way I treated him last night.
“Maybe it was the wrong thing to do but I had
no idea where you were or if I’d ever see you again. I was desperate and I
didn’t know what else to do.”
He sighs dejectedly and I have to fight
every instinct in my body that’s screaming out for me to embrace him.
I’m
the one who’s to blame for all of this and Jake doesn’t deserve it any of it.
“What did you tell her?”
“Don’t worry; I didn’t go into too much detail.
I told her was that we’d had a row. I said that it was all my fault and that
I’d caused you to run away, I said that I was still anxious to know you had
made it home ok. I told her I was worried in case your father had caught you
sneaking in late.”
I gaze up at this incredible boy. I’ve put him
through absolute hell and yet he’s still here, standing before me and telling
me how much he cares. This morning I never thought I’d see him again and now I
find out that he’s been searching for me all of this time.
“And she told you to come here?” I can’t
imagine gran telling Jake to come find me at the bookstore, especially not
today because I normally don’t work on the weekend.
“She must have realised how desperate I was
because she gave me your address straight away. All I wanted was to race right
over and see you but she somehow managed to convince me that it wasn’t such a
good idea. She explained how much trouble you’d be in if I was to just turn up
at your house unexpectedly. She then gave me the address for this place and
said that if I really wanted to see you, I should try and intercept you on your
way to work. I came here straight away; even though she told me that you
normally don’t work on Saturdays. I didn’t care; I had to at least try. I’ve
been outside for three hours; I couldn’t believe it when I saw you arrive.”
“You were waiting all that time?” I can’t
believe he would go to such lengths to see that I was ok. Half of me wants to
embrace him and the other half knows I should drop down on my knees and beg him
for forgiveness.
“Yeah, as soon as I saw him leave I knew I
couldn’t wait any longer. I had to speak to you.”
“He’s only gone for an hour or so, we don’t
have long.”
“I don’t care about him, Bethany. All I care
about is you and making things right between us.”
“And I appreciate the gesture, I really do. I
just don’t want us to get caught. You don’t know what he will do if he finds
out we’re together, Jake.”
“Baby, I know. I’m not going to put you in any
danger. I just needed to apologise for last night.”
“Jake, you have nothing to be sorry for.
I’m
the one who should be apologising to you. I thought I’d lost you.” I say
softly.
“Baby, that’s impossible. How could you ever
lose me? I told you that I’m not going anywhere.” His palm reaches up and
caresses my cheek. I give in to temptation and delight in the feel of his
touch. I never thought I would feel this way again. I thought I’d wrecked
everything.
“Jake, the things I said were unforgiveable;
I’m surprised that you even wanted to see me again.”
The relief on his face is breathtaking, his
shoulders relax and the worry lines on his forehead disappear. They’re quickly
replaced by the wonderful smile that I have come to love so dearly.
“Bethany, I meant what I said last night. I
love you and I’m not just going to give up on you because you’re pissed off
with me.” He chuckles softly, stroking the hair out of my eyes.
“I love you too, Jake. I don’t think I realised
it until last night, until I thought that I’d lost you.”
“What did you just say?” He asks incredulously,
his disbelief evident in his voice.
“You heard me.” I say, grinning at him
playfully.
“I heard but I want to hear you say it again.”
His gaze is intense and his voice is commanding. His eyes are burning with such
intensity for me that it gives me butterflies.
“I said that I love you.”
“But last night you…” He frowns and I grimace
remembering what I said to him.