Always and Forever (33 page)

“Bethany…”

His breathing is strained and erratic, making it clear how
hard he’s struggling to control his anger.

“Jake, I can explain. It’s not what you think.”

“Who? Who did this to you?” He yells, barely able to
suppress his rage.

I remain silent, how do I even begin to explain this to
him? This is something I never wanted Jake to know. I never wanted to invite
him into the darkest part of my world.

“Jake, please.”

“You need to tell me right now. Who. Did. This?”

He touches my chin, raising my face up towards his.

“I can’t. Please don’t make me say it.” I beg him, wiping
away the tears that have started to fall down my cheeks.

“Was it him? Was it your father?”

Unwilling and unable of speaking the truth, I nod my head.

“When?” He demands.

“Last week after you left the bookstore and some are from
the week before that.” I confess.

I didn’t mean to reveal everything to him but
irrepressible, uncontainable fury he was struggling to restrain was enough to
convince me to tell him the truth.

“And you didn’t tell me?” He shouts, causing me to flinch
away from the harshness in his voice.

“I… I didn’t want you to worry.”

“So you kept it a secret from me? You convinced me you were
safe with that fucking monster and I actually let you go back to him! I am such
a fucking idiot! Why did I listen to you? I ignored every single one of my
instincts and let you convince me you’d be ok. What the fuck was I thinking?”

He roughly drags both his hands through his hair in
exasperation. The action causes the muscles in his stomach to contract and I
can’t help myself admiring the fluidity of his movements. I wanted everything
to be so perfect tonight, it was supposed to be special and romantic and
instead it’s all turned into a nightmare.  

“It’s not your fault, I’m the one who chose not to tell
you. How were you supposed to know?”

“Why did he do it?” He asks, ignoring what I just said.

 “What do you mean?”

“Does he abuse you often? How many times has this happened?
And when were you going to tell me?” He keeps on firing questions at me, making
him sound like a complete stranger.

 I don’t even recognise him anymore. I know Jake would
never hurt me but seeing him this way, watching him so wild and uncontainable
is frightening. I’ve never witnessed rage quite like this before, not even with
my father.

“No! It’s not often. It’s only just started happening and I
don’t know when I was going to tell you, maybe never!” I cry.

“Ok, listen. I need you to be completely honest with me,
Bethany. You need to tell me the truth and I don’t want you covering for him or
lying to me. Has he… has he ever…
fuck,
I can’t believe I’m actually
saying this. Has he ever…”

“What?” I prompt him.

He strokes his fingers along my jaw line, locking those
incredible eyes onto my own.

“Has he ever touched you? He doesn’t… Jesus, please tell me
he’s never raped you.”

The fear in his voice is indescribable and when my mouth
falls open in shock he misinterprets my reaction. He mistakes my silence as
confirmation that it’s true.

“Jake, it’s not what you think.”

“
Fuck!
He has, hasn’t he? Jesus Christ! I swear to
God I will murder that evil son of a bitch when I see him. I’ll kill him with
my bare fucking hands, I don’t care if I serve a life sentence for it, I’ll do
it with a great big smile on my face. Where is he? Tell me where he is right
now, Bethany.”

He grabs his T-shirt, tugging it back on over his head
before storming out of the bedroom.

“Wait! Jake, he doesn’t, he hasn’t! He’s never touched me
that way. How can you think that?”

I grab my blouse off the floor, sliding my arms into it
before chasing after him into the hallway. We almost collide when he comes to
an abrupt stop and whirls around to face me.

“Because you’ve got bruises all over your fucking arms!
Bruises that were caused by his fingerprints! You’re his daughter and he did
that to you, do you know sick that makes me? You need to tell me everything,
Bethany. What else has he done to you? You have to tell me!”

He’s turned red in the face and the tendons in his neck are
protruding so fiercely, I’m scared they’re going to rupture. I’ve never seen
anyone like this before and I’m scared there’s nothing I can do to fix this.

“Ok, I’ll tell you everything but first you need to calm
down. He’s never harmed me like that, Jake. I swear he hasn’t.” I tell him
truthfully.

“How can I believe you? You told me you were safe! You told
me he wouldn’t hurt you and that he worshipped the ground you walk on. I
knew
something was wrong last week when I was at the bookstore. I noticed the way he
spoke to you and I didn’t trust him. I wanted you to come home with me, I
wanted to keep you as far away as possible from him but you told me I had
nothing to worry about and now I find out it was all a lie. He’s been hurting
you all this time and I didn’t even know about it, do you know how that makes
me feel? I should have been the one protecting you and yet I’ve allowed you to
share a house with that monster!”

He clenches his fist before driving it straight into the
wall behind him. I scream when I hear the horrendous noise it makes. Jake’s
knuckles are all scraped and grazed but he still swings his arm back to do it
again.

“Jake, please stop! You’re scaring me!” I beg him.

 I’m telling the truth, I am scared. I hate seeing him
this way; he’s a stranger to me. A shadow of the man he really is. The
transformation from the man who was tenderly undressing me just a few moments
ago to the one I’m now faced with is unbelievable and I find myself so grateful
for the fact that my father’s not home. I’m sure that no amount of my
persuasion would be enough to prevent Jake from hurting him if he were close
by.

Jake finally turns to look at me, his face softens the
moment his gaze lands on my frightened face.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” He takes a step closer towards me,
pulling me against him.

I breathe a sigh of relief, relieved that his anger seems
to have subsided.

“Jake, that was terrifying. You really scared me.” I mumble
against his chest.

 “I never want you to be scared of me, Bethany. I
would never
hurt you, I promise you that. It’s just can’t believe you’ve
been keeping this from me. It’s
my job to protect you and I had no idea
about any of this, I didn’t know what was happening and that makes me feel so
fucking powerless.”

I bury my face against his chest and he tightens his hold
on me. Despite Jake’s fury from earlier, I still feel safe when I’m with him. I
know he would never hurt me but his rage is something he has to learn to
control. I can’t deal with another episode like that; I don’t know how to handle
it. All I want is to go back and erase what just happened, I wish none of this
were happening to me! This night was supposed to be perfect.

“And you don’t think I feel powerless? When I see you like
this and there’s nothing I can do to calm you down, that’s when I feel
helpless.”

“I know, baby. I know.” He soothes me, placing a comforting
kiss on my forehead.

“He’s never raped me, Jake. He’s never hurt me, not like
that.”

He nods his head, showing that he believes me.

“Let me see them.” He speaks softly and I’m grateful he’s
now managing to exert some control over himself and his actions.

 He pulls away from me and without saying a word,
removes my blouse from my shoulders, examining every single fingerprint on my
arm. Some of the bruises are dark and purple, a contrast to the ones from two
weeks ago which have now transformed into an unsightly yellow. It doesn’t help
that I’m so fair skinned, any injury looks so much worse because of the
paleness of my skin.

 I squirm uncomfortably under his intense appraisal. I
want him to see me as he did several minutes ago, he saw me as someone who was
irresistible, someone he was hungry for. Now, I’m just a poor, defenceless
victim.

“Jake.” I try to tug my arm from his grasp but he tightens
his hold on my wrist, careful not to touch my upper arms.

 “Don’t.” He says quietly.

“What?”

“Don’t pull away from me and don’t be uncomfortable. I love
you and I want you just as badly as I did a few moments ago. The only
difference is I now realise how foolish I’ve been. I believed you when you told
me that you were ok and I should have known that you were hiding something. Why
did he do it, Bethany? Tell me what happened. No more lies.”

“Can’t we just forget about it? I don’t want to talk about this
anymore.” I grumble, refastening the buttons on my blouse.

 “I know that, sweetheart. I know how painful this is
for you to talk about but I have to know.”

“The first time he did it was two weeks ago. My mum got a
phone call asking her if she would help out in the charity shop where she
sometimes volunteers. She wasn’t scheduled to go in that day but she decided to
go. My father wasn’t home; he was working at the bookstore. He came home early
for some reason and found out she wasn’t there. He was absolutely furious with
me for protecting her. He knew that I was going to lie and that I was going to
keep it from him. Later on that night he came to my room and that’s when it
happened.”

“He came into your bedroom?” His jaw clenches and I prepare
myself for yet another explosive outburst.

We’re still standing in the hallway, the chill from the
empty house and the fact that I’m half naked causes me to shiver. Jake’s eyes
drop to my chest, noticing for the first time since my confession that I’ve
hardly got any clothes on. He averts his gaze, giving me some privacy. I button
up my blouse and make my way back into the bedroom. Jake follows me a few
seconds later, joining me on the bed where I’m sitting.

“Yes, he came into my bedroom. He sometimes does to say goodnight
to me.”

“And you’re sure he didn’t do anything else? You’re telling
me the truth?”

“I swear to you he didn’t.”

“But he still grabbed you.” He says sharply.

“Yes.”

“What about last week in the bookstore? What happened
then?”

“It happened right after you left, he was suspicious and
that’s why he threatened me.”

“What did he say?”

I pause, remembering the vile conversation we had after
Jake’s departure. I can hardly bring myself to relive it.

 “I don’t really want to remember.”

“Baby, I need you to tell me.”

 “He said that there was only one way of making sure
you wouldn’t return to the bookstore to see me. He said that if I weren’t so
appealing to you then you wouldn’t bother me again. It’s all mind games with
him but I know he was threatening me. He said it wouldn’t be pleasant but he
could help me and it would be for my own good. I think it was a warning. He was
taunting me and wanted to frighten me into thinking he would go so far as to
disfigure me, that way I wouldn’t be desirable to anybody.”

“The sick fuck!” Jake yells, jumping to his feet.

“Without you even realising it you managed to provoke him.
He’s clever, he’s manipulative and he’s heartless. All of those things make up
a lethal combination.”

Jake starts pacing back and forth in front of me.
Recognising the enraged expression on his face, I decide to remain silent and
wait for his fury to pass.

 I’m fully aware that my desire for Jake in this
present moment might not be normal. I still want him, even now with his uncontrollable
anger and preoccupation with exacting revenge. I don’t care how screwed up that
makes me or how wrong it is to crave somebody I seem to have a cataclysmic
reaction with. He’s so protective over me, he would do anything to keep me safe
and away from danger, this makes him even more irresistible to me. He curls his
fists again and I start to worry he’s going to punch a hole in the wall again.
I’ve no idea how I’m going to explain the damage to gran; I guess I’ll deal
with that later.