Always and Forever (31 page)
Read Always and Forever Online
Authors: Lauren Crossley
“Just leave with me, Bethany. Please...” His
eyes are begging me to listen to him and I admit that a huge part of me wants
to.
“I can’t, Jake. It’s too soon. Please
understand what I’m saying and believe me when I tell you that I’m safe. I
promise you.”
He opens his mouth to protest when we’re
interrupted by the sound of the shop door opening behind us. I whirl around and
come face to face with my father. My body automatically starts to tremble, I
feel as though I’m experiencing my very worst nightmare. Of course Jake notices
my terror and immediately takes a step forward, positioning himself in front of
me.
Jake has finally come face to face with my
father.
eyes are begging me to listen to him and I admit that a huge part of me wants
to.
“I can’t, Jake. It’s too soon. Please
understand what I’m saying and believe me when I tell you that I’m safe. I
promise you.”
He opens his mouth to protest when we’re
interrupted by the sound of the shop door opening behind us. I whirl around and
come face to face with my father. My body automatically starts to tremble, I
feel as though I’m experiencing my very worst nightmare. Of course Jake notices
my terror and immediately takes a step forward, positioning himself in front of
me.
Jake has finally come face to face with my
father.
Chapter
Fifteen
The three of us remain frozen, staring at one
another. I can barely breathe, I’m so frightened. Jake and I are standing in such
close proximity to one another, I’m sure my father will instinctively
know
that something’s going on between us. His cold blue eyes bore into us both and
I’m suddenly convinced that he really does know everything.
“Can I help you?” My father asks.
I’m taken aback by his question. I expected a
verbal attack and instead he’s asking Jake what he can do for him. Does he
really think that Jake is just a customer? Jake’s hands curl into fists and I
close my eyes, praying that he won’t do anything stupid.
Fifteen
The three of us remain frozen, staring at one
another. I can barely breathe, I’m so frightened. Jake and I are standing in such
close proximity to one another, I’m sure my father will instinctively
know
that something’s going on between us. His cold blue eyes bore into us both and
I’m suddenly convinced that he really does know everything.
“Can I help you?” My father asks.
I’m taken aback by his question. I expected a
verbal attack and instead he’s asking Jake what he can do for him. Does he
really think that Jake is just a customer? Jake’s hands curl into fists and I
close my eyes, praying that he won’t do anything stupid.
“I was just helping this gentleman; he has an
enquiry about a particular book he’s looking for.” I lie, trying to keep all
signs of my escalating fear out of my voice.
“I’ll deal with this, Bethany. It’s not like
you will be capable of offering any assistance.”
“Ok.” I acquiesce, avoiding his glare.
I notice Jake recoil at the sound of my
father’s tone. The manner in which he spoke to me certainly doesn’t coincide
with what I’ve been telling Jake. I sadly realise that my days of being able to
fool him are over. I can feel the immense rage and anger radiating from Jake as
he forces himself to suppress his rapidly increasing fury towards my father. I
want to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that it’s ok but all I can do
is stand beside him feeling helpless.
“Well? What exactly were you looking for?” My
father asks him, making his way behind the counter.
I realise I’ll be expected to join him and
reluctantly tear myself away from Jake’s side to join him. My father’s manner
comes across as arrogant and rude; it always has and today is no exception.
Jake’s eyes stare ferociously into the back of my father’s head as he turns his
back on us to hang up his coat. He’s completely oblivious to Jake’s fury and I
hope it stays that way.
I try my best to make eye contact with Jake but
he’s entirely focused on watching my father’s every move.
“Please don’t.” I silently mouth to him when he
finally settles his gaze back on me. The anxious expression on my face must
resonate with him because he slowly nods his head at me in understanding. He’s
letting me know that he won’t say anything, at least not this time.
“Forget it.” Jake snaps before turning away. He
angrily marches over to the shop door but suddenly stops and turns around. With
a savage look on his face, he once again narrows his eyes at my father.
“You should know that your daughter was
extremely helpful and very amiable when helping me with my enquiries.” He
glares at him one last time before slamming the door on his way out.
I close my eyes, fearful of what’s about to
follow. Jake thought that he was helping me but I know my father and Jake’s
unusual reaction will have only awakened his suspicion. I cast my eyes down to
the floor and wait for his explosive reaction. When nothing happens I decide to
make myself look busy and if I’m lucky he might not choose to confront me about
Jake’s comment. I occupy myself by getting on with meaningless tasks; I’m
willing to do anything to avoid a confrontation with him. I can feel his cold
eyes following me around the store as I place books back on the shelf. I keep
my back to him but it only heightens my awareness of his presence. I attempt to
control my breathing as I feel him walk over towards me. I need to be evasive,
if I can convince him that there’s nothing to be suspicious over then he might
just let this go.
“Bethany, who was that boy?” He asks, placing a
revolting hand on my shoulder, curling his fingers into a tight grip.
enquiry about a particular book he’s looking for.” I lie, trying to keep all
signs of my escalating fear out of my voice.
“I’ll deal with this, Bethany. It’s not like
you will be capable of offering any assistance.”
“Ok.” I acquiesce, avoiding his glare.
I notice Jake recoil at the sound of my
father’s tone. The manner in which he spoke to me certainly doesn’t coincide
with what I’ve been telling Jake. I sadly realise that my days of being able to
fool him are over. I can feel the immense rage and anger radiating from Jake as
he forces himself to suppress his rapidly increasing fury towards my father. I
want to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that it’s ok but all I can do
is stand beside him feeling helpless.
“Well? What exactly were you looking for?” My
father asks him, making his way behind the counter.
I realise I’ll be expected to join him and
reluctantly tear myself away from Jake’s side to join him. My father’s manner
comes across as arrogant and rude; it always has and today is no exception.
Jake’s eyes stare ferociously into the back of my father’s head as he turns his
back on us to hang up his coat. He’s completely oblivious to Jake’s fury and I
hope it stays that way.
I try my best to make eye contact with Jake but
he’s entirely focused on watching my father’s every move.
“Please don’t.” I silently mouth to him when he
finally settles his gaze back on me. The anxious expression on my face must
resonate with him because he slowly nods his head at me in understanding. He’s
letting me know that he won’t say anything, at least not this time.
“Forget it.” Jake snaps before turning away. He
angrily marches over to the shop door but suddenly stops and turns around. With
a savage look on his face, he once again narrows his eyes at my father.
“You should know that your daughter was
extremely helpful and very amiable when helping me with my enquiries.” He
glares at him one last time before slamming the door on his way out.
I close my eyes, fearful of what’s about to
follow. Jake thought that he was helping me but I know my father and Jake’s
unusual reaction will have only awakened his suspicion. I cast my eyes down to
the floor and wait for his explosive reaction. When nothing happens I decide to
make myself look busy and if I’m lucky he might not choose to confront me about
Jake’s comment. I occupy myself by getting on with meaningless tasks; I’m
willing to do anything to avoid a confrontation with him. I can feel his cold
eyes following me around the store as I place books back on the shelf. I keep
my back to him but it only heightens my awareness of his presence. I attempt to
control my breathing as I feel him walk over towards me. I need to be evasive,
if I can convince him that there’s nothing to be suspicious over then he might
just let this go.
“Bethany, who was that boy?” He asks, placing a
revolting hand on my shoulder, curling his fingers into a tight grip.
“I don’t know him; I’ve never seen him
before. He was asking about a book he read as a child, a classic.”
He’s standing so close behind me that I can
hear his breathing and unlike mine, his is steady and controlled.
“Oh, really? Which one?”
As soon as he asks the question my mind goes
blank. I can’t think of anything and I feel myself begin to tremble. I hate
myself for being so weak around him, I’m always the victim and that’s not who I
want to be anymore.
“Erm… he didn’t know the title of the book,
that’s why he came in here to ask about it.”
“And you had no idea what it was?” His cruel and
calculating voice whispers threateningly in my ear.
before. He was asking about a book he read as a child, a classic.”
He’s standing so close behind me that I can
hear his breathing and unlike mine, his is steady and controlled.
“Oh, really? Which one?”
As soon as he asks the question my mind goes
blank. I can’t think of anything and I feel myself begin to tremble. I hate
myself for being so weak around him, I’m always the victim and that’s not who I
want to be anymore.
“Erm… he didn’t know the title of the book,
that’s why he came in here to ask about it.”
“And you had no idea what it was?” His cruel and
calculating voice whispers threateningly in my ear.
“I think it sounded a lot like that children’s
book ‘The Wind in the Willows.’ I was just about to tell him that when you
walked in.” I used to think I was a competent liar but now I’m not so sure. In
the past it was my father who wanted to believe everything I said. He was the
one who managed to convince himself that all of my lies were the truth. All I
can do pray he doesn’t see through me now.
“His manners were appalling.” He mutters to
himself, walking away from me. I finally start to breathe like normal again,
relieved that he’s accepted my story and thankful that he doesn’t seem to doubt
me.
“I didn’t think they were that bad.” I reply,
instantly regretting it.
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re lying to
me?” He approaches me once again but this time places his hands on my
shoulders, turning me around to face him. He gently runs a finger down the side
of my face. I want to shrink away from him but if I show him my fear it will
infuriate him even more.
“I’m not lying.” I attempt my most compelling
poker face, needing him to believe me just this once.
“I don’t want to see that boy in here again, do
you understand?”
“Yes.” I nod my head in agreement; I’ll say or
do anything to get this monster away from me.
“Although, I suppose there’s only one way I’ll
be able to make sure that he won’t return. I’d have to make you less appealing
to him. If you weren’t quite as perfect as he believes you to be then there
would be no reason for him to come and see you.”
His merciless eyes bore into mine,
causing me to feel faint. My legs go weak and I have to force myself to keep on
standing. I don’t want to ask my next question but I can’t help myself, I have
to know.
“What do you mean?” I despise myself for sounding
so terrified of him.
“Bethany, it would be for your own good. I know
what young men are like. If you didn’t look quite so appealing to them then
they would leave you alone and you would be much safer. I’m just letting you
know that I can help you. It wouldn’t be pleasant but in the long run at least
you would be left alone.” His finger continues to stroke my face and I flinch
away from him. He notices and grabs a hold of face, forcing me to look at him.
“Get away from me.” I wanted to sound
threatening but it sounded more like I was pleading.
“It’s for your own good, Bethany. You’re a
pretty girl and I know filth like him when I see it. He will have had some
disgusting thoughts about you.”
I try so hard to suppress my anger when I hear
him speak so callously about Jake. I need to remain unreadable; I can’t allow
him to see how badly his words affect me.
I’ve always been so frightened of my father but
as I look up at him now I see him through a stranger’s eyes. He has brown hair
like mine but his is much darker, his eyes are a pale blue whereas mine are
green and he’s average height and average weight, there’s nothing remarkable or
extraordinary about him at all and yet I’ve spent my whole life fearing him. I
suppose it’s not his physical presence that disturbs me, it’s just him. I know
the lengths that he will go to, he will do anything to keep me close. I think
it’s his determination that I fear the most, his perseverance and calculative
nature that scares me.
book ‘The Wind in the Willows.’ I was just about to tell him that when you
walked in.” I used to think I was a competent liar but now I’m not so sure. In
the past it was my father who wanted to believe everything I said. He was the
one who managed to convince himself that all of my lies were the truth. All I
can do pray he doesn’t see through me now.
“His manners were appalling.” He mutters to
himself, walking away from me. I finally start to breathe like normal again,
relieved that he’s accepted my story and thankful that he doesn’t seem to doubt
me.
“I didn’t think they were that bad.” I reply,
instantly regretting it.
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re lying to
me?” He approaches me once again but this time places his hands on my
shoulders, turning me around to face him. He gently runs a finger down the side
of my face. I want to shrink away from him but if I show him my fear it will
infuriate him even more.
“I’m not lying.” I attempt my most compelling
poker face, needing him to believe me just this once.
“I don’t want to see that boy in here again, do
you understand?”
“Yes.” I nod my head in agreement; I’ll say or
do anything to get this monster away from me.
“Although, I suppose there’s only one way I’ll
be able to make sure that he won’t return. I’d have to make you less appealing
to him. If you weren’t quite as perfect as he believes you to be then there
would be no reason for him to come and see you.”
His merciless eyes bore into mine,
causing me to feel faint. My legs go weak and I have to force myself to keep on
standing. I don’t want to ask my next question but I can’t help myself, I have
to know.
“What do you mean?” I despise myself for sounding
so terrified of him.
“Bethany, it would be for your own good. I know
what young men are like. If you didn’t look quite so appealing to them then
they would leave you alone and you would be much safer. I’m just letting you
know that I can help you. It wouldn’t be pleasant but in the long run at least
you would be left alone.” His finger continues to stroke my face and I flinch
away from him. He notices and grabs a hold of face, forcing me to look at him.
“Get away from me.” I wanted to sound
threatening but it sounded more like I was pleading.
“It’s for your own good, Bethany. You’re a
pretty girl and I know filth like him when I see it. He will have had some
disgusting thoughts about you.”
I try so hard to suppress my anger when I hear
him speak so callously about Jake. I need to remain unreadable; I can’t allow
him to see how badly his words affect me.
I’ve always been so frightened of my father but
as I look up at him now I see him through a stranger’s eyes. He has brown hair
like mine but his is much darker, his eyes are a pale blue whereas mine are
green and he’s average height and average weight, there’s nothing remarkable or
extraordinary about him at all and yet I’ve spent my whole life fearing him. I
suppose it’s not his physical presence that disturbs me, it’s just him. I know
the lengths that he will go to, he will do anything to keep me close. I think
it’s his determination that I fear the most, his perseverance and calculative
nature that scares me.
He
grabs hold of my arms when I fail to acknowledge him. His grip remains strong
and it tightens as soon as I try to wriggle away from him. His appearance is
monstrous and I know he won’t be letting go anytime soon. I long for my
imagination to transport me someplace else, away from here and away from him.
In my head I’m with Jake. I’m safe and he’s with me, keeping me from harm. In
reality, no one hears my screams. No one comes to my rescue and once again I’m
left with the reminder of what my father has done. I’m left battered and
bruised, sore and humiliated but the worst part is the memories, the ones that
will haunt me for the rest of my life.
As soon as I get home, I hurry upstairs to the
bathroom. I peel off my T-shirt and stand in front of the bathroom mirror.
Fresh new bruises cover my upper arms and as I continue to stare at my
reflection, I no longer recognise the girl before me. These bruises will take
weeks to disappear and like before, every time I see them I will be reminded of
this.
Tears of frustration pool in my eyes and I
press my hands against my closed eyelids, willing myself not to break down. I
don’t want to give that monster the satisfaction. He won’t break me, I won’t
let him. I have Jake and he’s
all that matters, he’s my whole world and
he loves me. I really thought I’d lost him this morning but I haven’t, he’s
still here and he won’t leave me.
Just
the thought of Jake brings me such comfort. I realise that he is what I need to
cling to right now. I need to find my inner strength and that strength is him.
He’s my one remaining lifeline and I know that no matter how strong or
persistent the indestructible waves are I must continue to hold onto that
lifeline. It will eventually pull me to safety; it will make sure I survive.
The rest of the week drags by in a tedious and
wearisome blur. Everyday I’m forced to work in the bookstore and of course my
father accompanies me every single time. We barely speak unless he’s giving out
orders and I respond meekly by following his instructions. I didn’t realise how
bad things were for mum. Now that he’s started treating me with the same
disdain and contempt he’s shown her all these years, I can truly sympathise
with the misery she has had to endure.
I’m
still sticking by my decision to not contact Callum. Maybe one day things will
be different but I’ve come to realise that my life is far too complex right now
for me to add on any more complications. I’m hopelessly in love with Jake and
this makes him my priority. I’ve only ever thought of Callum as a friend and
after last Friday night I feel like there’s a big possibility Callum might want
more from me. My loyalty lies with Jake and I have to respect his feelings. I’m
not about to risk my newfound relationship with him to rekindle a friendship
with Callum, even if I do feel guilty about it…
I
somehow managed to convince Jake that nothing happened after her left the
bookstore on Saturday and as far as Jake’s concerned, my relationship with my
father is the same as always. He did question why he spoke to me in such an
appalling manner but I just blamed it on irritability and fatigue. I know
Jake’s going to put pressure on me again when I see him on Friday. He’s so
stubborn, there’s no way he’s just going to accept my decision to stay living at
home. If I only knew what gran had told him last week, maybe then I’d be able
to put his mind at rest. That’s why I’m so thankful I figured out how to top up
my phone’s credit, I’ve made sure to contact Jake a lot more than I did last
week. I don’t want him to worry about me and the best way to ensure that is to
communicate with him as often as I can.
Friday morning finally arrives and I’m so
thankful I get to see Jake tonight. I’ve been missing him like crazy and the
separation has been horrendous. The bruises my father gave me still look
terrible; I now have fresh ones to match the fading marks he branded me last
week. Every time I undress I have to place a towel over the bathroom mirror,
the last thing I want to see is the evidence of my father’s abuse and control.
grabs hold of my arms when I fail to acknowledge him. His grip remains strong
and it tightens as soon as I try to wriggle away from him. His appearance is
monstrous and I know he won’t be letting go anytime soon. I long for my
imagination to transport me someplace else, away from here and away from him.
In my head I’m with Jake. I’m safe and he’s with me, keeping me from harm. In
reality, no one hears my screams. No one comes to my rescue and once again I’m
left with the reminder of what my father has done. I’m left battered and
bruised, sore and humiliated but the worst part is the memories, the ones that
will haunt me for the rest of my life.
As soon as I get home, I hurry upstairs to the
bathroom. I peel off my T-shirt and stand in front of the bathroom mirror.
Fresh new bruises cover my upper arms and as I continue to stare at my
reflection, I no longer recognise the girl before me. These bruises will take
weeks to disappear and like before, every time I see them I will be reminded of
this.
Tears of frustration pool in my eyes and I
press my hands against my closed eyelids, willing myself not to break down. I
don’t want to give that monster the satisfaction. He won’t break me, I won’t
let him. I have Jake and he’s
all that matters, he’s my whole world and
he loves me. I really thought I’d lost him this morning but I haven’t, he’s
still here and he won’t leave me.
Just
the thought of Jake brings me such comfort. I realise that he is what I need to
cling to right now. I need to find my inner strength and that strength is him.
He’s my one remaining lifeline and I know that no matter how strong or
persistent the indestructible waves are I must continue to hold onto that
lifeline. It will eventually pull me to safety; it will make sure I survive.
The rest of the week drags by in a tedious and
wearisome blur. Everyday I’m forced to work in the bookstore and of course my
father accompanies me every single time. We barely speak unless he’s giving out
orders and I respond meekly by following his instructions. I didn’t realise how
bad things were for mum. Now that he’s started treating me with the same
disdain and contempt he’s shown her all these years, I can truly sympathise
with the misery she has had to endure.
I’m
still sticking by my decision to not contact Callum. Maybe one day things will
be different but I’ve come to realise that my life is far too complex right now
for me to add on any more complications. I’m hopelessly in love with Jake and
this makes him my priority. I’ve only ever thought of Callum as a friend and
after last Friday night I feel like there’s a big possibility Callum might want
more from me. My loyalty lies with Jake and I have to respect his feelings. I’m
not about to risk my newfound relationship with him to rekindle a friendship
with Callum, even if I do feel guilty about it…
I
somehow managed to convince Jake that nothing happened after her left the
bookstore on Saturday and as far as Jake’s concerned, my relationship with my
father is the same as always. He did question why he spoke to me in such an
appalling manner but I just blamed it on irritability and fatigue. I know
Jake’s going to put pressure on me again when I see him on Friday. He’s so
stubborn, there’s no way he’s just going to accept my decision to stay living at
home. If I only knew what gran had told him last week, maybe then I’d be able
to put his mind at rest. That’s why I’m so thankful I figured out how to top up
my phone’s credit, I’ve made sure to contact Jake a lot more than I did last
week. I don’t want him to worry about me and the best way to ensure that is to
communicate with him as often as I can.
Friday morning finally arrives and I’m so
thankful I get to see Jake tonight. I’ve been missing him like crazy and the
separation has been horrendous. The bruises my father gave me still look
terrible; I now have fresh ones to match the fading marks he branded me last
week. Every time I undress I have to place a towel over the bathroom mirror,
the last thing I want to see is the evidence of my father’s abuse and control.
I’m making my way downstairs for breakfast when
I hear the phone ring. There’s no point in me trying to answer it, mum always
beats me to it. My father’s not here so he must have already left for work. I’m
hoping that means he doesn’t expect me to go into the book store today. I
deserve a day off and it’s becoming more and more difficult for me to work in
such close proximity to him.
I walk into the living room and overhear the
tail end of my mum’s conversation. I don’t know who she’s talking to but it
sounds serious.
“What? When did it happen? Is she ok?” Her
voice is shrill and she sounds really worried, immediately preparing me for the
worst.
“Mum, what’s wrong?” I ask, hurrying over to
her.
“Where have they taken her? Yes, I know where that
is. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thank you, Mary.”
She hangs up the phone and I notice her creamy
complexion has been drained of all colour, leaving her a ghastly shade of
white.
“Mum, what’s happened?”
“That was Mary, your Gran’s next door neighbour.
Your Gran had a fall last night, she collapsed. She’s been on her own since
then and they found her this morning. She was freezing cold and still on the
floor where she had fell.”
“She can’t have!” I yell, not wanting to
believe that such a thing could happen to my gran. She’s strong and she’s
capable, she’s never had a fall in her life.
“It’s true; she’s on her way to the hospital
now in an ambulance. We have to hurry up and make our own way there; I don’t
want her to be on her own.”
“An ambulance? Is she really hurt?”
My body starts to shake with the thought of
gran being rushed to hospital on a stretcher, battered and bruised with broken
limbs.
“I don’t know! We’ll find out everything when
we get there but we have to go now. Hurry up and get ready, we’re leaving in
ten minutes.”
“Should I phone a taxi?” I ask, reaching for
the phone.
Mum pauses and looks at me uncertainly.
“A taxi? I don’t know about that…”
“How else are we supposed to get there? You
said we have to hurry and we can’t wait for a bus, it will take far too long.”
My finger hovers over the call button; the only
thought in my head right now is gran and reaching her as soon as possible. I
don’t have time to worry about my father and what his reaction will be when he
finds out we wasted our money on a taxi.
“You’re right, go ahead and call one. We’ll
have to deal with the consequences later.”
As soon as the taxi arrives I ask mum about the
lady who called her.
“Who’s Mary and how did she know gran had
fallen?”
“She’s your gran’s neighbour. She told me she
was concerned when she wasn’t answering the front door. Mary has a spare key
and decided she would use it and check if everything was alright, she’s the one
who found her.”
“If she hadn’t checked on gran then she
wouldn’t have been discovered until tomorrow when we normally go and see her.
God, when I think what might have happened to her…”
“Don’t think like that, Bethany. She’s safe and
she’s on her way to the hospital, that’s what’s important.”
I don’t say anything else for the remainder of
the journey. Mum’s not ready to hear it but the truth is, if anything had
happened to gran it would have been my father’s fault. The only reason we see
her once a week is because of him. He’s responsible for all of this, I blame
him for everything.
We go straight to reception as soon as we reach
the hospital. We give the receptionist gran’s name and are told what ward she’s
been placed on.
After an extensive walk through the maze-like
hospital, we finally find the correct ward. Mum rushes over to speak to the
woman behind the desk whilst I patiently wait to find out what room she’s in. A
few seconds later mum hurries over to me, looking more relieved than she did
when we first got here.
“It’s ok; she’s going to be alright. Her body
temperature was quite low when they found her so they’re going to keep her in
for a while. They want to do some tests and they also want to make sure that
she’ll get plenty of rest. Thank God they found her in time.”
I breathe a huge sigh of relief, offering a
silent thank you to God for keeping my gran safe. I don’t know what I’d do
without her, I’d be lost.
“When can we see her?” I ask
“She’s resting right now and they said it’s
vital that she’s not disturbed. They said I can go in if I want to but only for
a couple of minutes.”
“You should go.” I urge her.
“I have to wait for a nurse to take me but in
the meantime I should really call your father. He won’t be happy about us using
a taxi but I can’t do anything about it now.” She nibbles on her bottom lip, a clear
sign that she’s dreading the thought of talking to him.
It
suddenly dawns on me that now gran’s in hospital I no longer have an excuse to
leave the house tonight. I feel so selfish even thinking of such a thing,
especially at a time like this but after the awful
week I’ve had with my
father and now the fact that gran’s in hospital, I
really
need to see
Jake. He’s the only one who can take this pain away; he’s the only one who can
make this better.
By the time we arrive back home, I’ve already decided
on the next lie I have to come up with to enable me to leave the house tonight
to see Jake. Once again, I feel terrible that I keep on lying to mum but I
honestly feel like I don’t have a choice. If I want to survive another week
living in this hell then I need to see Jake tonight. He’s all that I have and I
need to hold on to what’s mine.
“Mum, I think I might go and see Amy tonight. I
really need a friend right now and I haven’t seen her for a few weeks, do you
think it would be ok?”
“I don’t know, Bethany. I have enough to worry
about with your gran in the hospital. Can’t you just stay at home tonight?”
“Mum, I’ll go with you to the hospital
tomorrow. I really want to see gran for myself but I need to go out tonight.
Please, just trust me.”
She embraces me tightly, taking me by surprise.
It’s the first time that she’s initiated a hug with me in the longest time and
it feels wonderful. I’m finally able to see a glimmer of hope for my mum, even
if it is just for a second.
Of course my father is incredibly angry with
mum for calling a taxi to take us to the hospital. I’m in my bedroom keeping
out of his way but I can still hear the sound of their raised voices. I
consider putting my earphones in to block out the noise but decide against it.
Even as a little girl I would always listen intently to his verbal attacks on
her. I’d force myself to stay awake in case she needed me, in case things ever
got out of hand and I would be forced to intervene. I was just a child but I
always tried to protect her, I guess that will never change.
The sound of his heavy footsteps pounding up
the stairs causes me to sit up straight. The last thing I want is for him to
come in here. His footsteps go past my bedroom and the next thing I hear is the
sound of his wardrobe doors opening and closing. There’s a lot more noise
before I hear him making his way downstairs. The front door slams and the house
is left in silence. Wondering what the hell is going on; I sneak into the
hallway and listen out for mum. The sound of crying can be heard from the
living room and I’m standing in the doorway in an instant.
“Mum, are you ok? What’s going on?”
She’s sitting on the sofa with a crumpled up
tissue in her hands and I’m at her side in an instant, furious with my father
for hurting her again.
“Your father wants me to put your gran into a
nursing home. He said the accident goes to prove that she’s no longer capable
of living by herself.”
I grit my teeth in anger, this is just
typical of him. He’s been waiting for an excuse to get rid of her for so long
and now he finally has one. Her accidental fall has provided him with the
justification that he’s being waiting for.
“That’s rubbish! Gran is perfectly capable of
looking after herself. This was a freak accident, that’s all. If we were allowed
to see her more often then she would have been found sooner!”
“I tried to tell him, Bethany. I really did.”
“Where has he gone now?” I ask, not really
caring but needing to make sure he goes out tonight so I can sneak out and see
Jake.
“He’s gone away for a week, he packed his
things and left.”
“
What
?” I stare at her in astonishment,
hardly believing what I just heard
“You remember that friend of his who sometimes
comes into the bookstore? Ted, I think his name is. He said he’s going away to
discuss some new business venture with him, something about improving profits
for the bookstore. I can’t believe he’s really gone, Bethany. He’s never even
been away from home before.”
Of course I remember his name; Ted’s the one
who promised my father the use of his caravanette for our little vacation in
two weeks time. Something I can’t allow myself to think about, the thought of
being isolated and alone with him for fourteen days.
“Mum, are you seriously telling me that he’s
going to be away for an entire week?” I don’t even attempt to conceal the
underlying excitement in my voice. The idea of seven whole days without him is
incredible, the exhilaration I feel is indescribable.
She nods her head and smiles, wiping away her
final tear. A person’s independence and liberty is not something to be taken
for granted. It is something to be cherished and valued. It is something that
is sacred and should be treated as such. Kneeling before my mother I know we
will delight in our freedom whilst we can. Every moment is precious.
A couple of hours go by and I still can’t
believe he’s gone. The house is eerily quiet without it; it’s probably going to
take me some time to adjust to the peaceful atmosphere. I know he’ll only be
gone for a week but the idea of seven whole days without him is nothing short
of incredible.
I feel like I should celebrate or at least do
something joyful to commemorate his departure. I open my bedside drawer,
searching for my phone. I normally wouldn’t text Jake until later but I need to
let him know about our sudden change of plans…
I
smile to myself after sending him my message, feeling even more confident about
what I have planned for tonight. The evening I intend to have with Jake will
change my life forever and it’s a change that I am extraordinarily joyful about
making.
“Mum, is it ok for me to head over to Amy’s
now?” I ask a couple of hours later, hoping my father’s absence will make
things easier for us both leaving the house.
“Yes, it’s ok. Have a good time and try not to worry
too much about your gran. I’ve just spoken to the hospital again and they
assured me that she’s ok. We can visit her tomorrow morning.”
“That’s great news, I’m so glad she’s going to
be alright.” I place a light kiss on her cheek before I go, counting down the
minutes until I see my boy again.
Now that I know gran’s definitely going to be alright I can
feel a little better about tonight’s plans. I no longer have to worry about
something happening whilst I’m with Jake and unreachable. She’s in safe hands
and she’s being well taken care of.
I send Jake a quick message to let him know I’m on way. It
feels really peculiar
not meeting in our usual
spot tonight; it will definitely take some getting used to. When I was a little
girl, gran always told me that she wanted me to think of her house as my own. I
spent so much time there, trying so hard to evade my father that it might as
well have been my home. I remember her saying to me that if I ever needed a
place to escape or somewhere to go, then I should go there. The thought of this
provided me with so much comfort over the years, it gave me a tremendous sense
of security and I’ve never been more grateful for that than now. Arranging to
meet Jake there feels right, for the longest time I’ve been carrying the weight
of the world on my shoulders and all I want from tonight is to forget. I’m the
only one who knows where she keeps her spare door key, another fact I’m so
thankful for.
Being the first one to arrive, I decide to
retrieve the spare key before Jake gets here. Making my way around the side of
the house, I enter into her back garden. Besides it being so damp and dreary,
it looks exactly the same as I remember. In the summertime it’s vibrant with
colour and life; her flowers bring so much beauty and tranquillity to her
garden. I miss spending my time here.
I hear the phone ring. There’s no point in me trying to answer it, mum always
beats me to it. My father’s not here so he must have already left for work. I’m
hoping that means he doesn’t expect me to go into the book store today. I
deserve a day off and it’s becoming more and more difficult for me to work in
such close proximity to him.
I walk into the living room and overhear the
tail end of my mum’s conversation. I don’t know who she’s talking to but it
sounds serious.
“What? When did it happen? Is she ok?” Her
voice is shrill and she sounds really worried, immediately preparing me for the
worst.
“Mum, what’s wrong?” I ask, hurrying over to
her.
“Where have they taken her? Yes, I know where that
is. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thank you, Mary.”
She hangs up the phone and I notice her creamy
complexion has been drained of all colour, leaving her a ghastly shade of
white.
“Mum, what’s happened?”
“That was Mary, your Gran’s next door neighbour.
Your Gran had a fall last night, she collapsed. She’s been on her own since
then and they found her this morning. She was freezing cold and still on the
floor where she had fell.”
“She can’t have!” I yell, not wanting to
believe that such a thing could happen to my gran. She’s strong and she’s
capable, she’s never had a fall in her life.
“It’s true; she’s on her way to the hospital
now in an ambulance. We have to hurry up and make our own way there; I don’t
want her to be on her own.”
“An ambulance? Is she really hurt?”
My body starts to shake with the thought of
gran being rushed to hospital on a stretcher, battered and bruised with broken
limbs.
“I don’t know! We’ll find out everything when
we get there but we have to go now. Hurry up and get ready, we’re leaving in
ten minutes.”
“Should I phone a taxi?” I ask, reaching for
the phone.
Mum pauses and looks at me uncertainly.
“A taxi? I don’t know about that…”
“How else are we supposed to get there? You
said we have to hurry and we can’t wait for a bus, it will take far too long.”
My finger hovers over the call button; the only
thought in my head right now is gran and reaching her as soon as possible. I
don’t have time to worry about my father and what his reaction will be when he
finds out we wasted our money on a taxi.
“You’re right, go ahead and call one. We’ll
have to deal with the consequences later.”
As soon as the taxi arrives I ask mum about the
lady who called her.
“Who’s Mary and how did she know gran had
fallen?”
“She’s your gran’s neighbour. She told me she
was concerned when she wasn’t answering the front door. Mary has a spare key
and decided she would use it and check if everything was alright, she’s the one
who found her.”
“If she hadn’t checked on gran then she
wouldn’t have been discovered until tomorrow when we normally go and see her.
God, when I think what might have happened to her…”
“Don’t think like that, Bethany. She’s safe and
she’s on her way to the hospital, that’s what’s important.”
I don’t say anything else for the remainder of
the journey. Mum’s not ready to hear it but the truth is, if anything had
happened to gran it would have been my father’s fault. The only reason we see
her once a week is because of him. He’s responsible for all of this, I blame
him for everything.
We go straight to reception as soon as we reach
the hospital. We give the receptionist gran’s name and are told what ward she’s
been placed on.
After an extensive walk through the maze-like
hospital, we finally find the correct ward. Mum rushes over to speak to the
woman behind the desk whilst I patiently wait to find out what room she’s in. A
few seconds later mum hurries over to me, looking more relieved than she did
when we first got here.
“It’s ok; she’s going to be alright. Her body
temperature was quite low when they found her so they’re going to keep her in
for a while. They want to do some tests and they also want to make sure that
she’ll get plenty of rest. Thank God they found her in time.”
I breathe a huge sigh of relief, offering a
silent thank you to God for keeping my gran safe. I don’t know what I’d do
without her, I’d be lost.
“When can we see her?” I ask
“She’s resting right now and they said it’s
vital that she’s not disturbed. They said I can go in if I want to but only for
a couple of minutes.”
“You should go.” I urge her.
“I have to wait for a nurse to take me but in
the meantime I should really call your father. He won’t be happy about us using
a taxi but I can’t do anything about it now.” She nibbles on her bottom lip, a clear
sign that she’s dreading the thought of talking to him.
It
suddenly dawns on me that now gran’s in hospital I no longer have an excuse to
leave the house tonight. I feel so selfish even thinking of such a thing,
especially at a time like this but after the awful
week I’ve had with my
father and now the fact that gran’s in hospital, I
really
need to see
Jake. He’s the only one who can take this pain away; he’s the only one who can
make this better.
By the time we arrive back home, I’ve already decided
on the next lie I have to come up with to enable me to leave the house tonight
to see Jake. Once again, I feel terrible that I keep on lying to mum but I
honestly feel like I don’t have a choice. If I want to survive another week
living in this hell then I need to see Jake tonight. He’s all that I have and I
need to hold on to what’s mine.
“Mum, I think I might go and see Amy tonight. I
really need a friend right now and I haven’t seen her for a few weeks, do you
think it would be ok?”
“I don’t know, Bethany. I have enough to worry
about with your gran in the hospital. Can’t you just stay at home tonight?”
“Mum, I’ll go with you to the hospital
tomorrow. I really want to see gran for myself but I need to go out tonight.
Please, just trust me.”
She embraces me tightly, taking me by surprise.
It’s the first time that she’s initiated a hug with me in the longest time and
it feels wonderful. I’m finally able to see a glimmer of hope for my mum, even
if it is just for a second.
Of course my father is incredibly angry with
mum for calling a taxi to take us to the hospital. I’m in my bedroom keeping
out of his way but I can still hear the sound of their raised voices. I
consider putting my earphones in to block out the noise but decide against it.
Even as a little girl I would always listen intently to his verbal attacks on
her. I’d force myself to stay awake in case she needed me, in case things ever
got out of hand and I would be forced to intervene. I was just a child but I
always tried to protect her, I guess that will never change.
The sound of his heavy footsteps pounding up
the stairs causes me to sit up straight. The last thing I want is for him to
come in here. His footsteps go past my bedroom and the next thing I hear is the
sound of his wardrobe doors opening and closing. There’s a lot more noise
before I hear him making his way downstairs. The front door slams and the house
is left in silence. Wondering what the hell is going on; I sneak into the
hallway and listen out for mum. The sound of crying can be heard from the
living room and I’m standing in the doorway in an instant.
“Mum, are you ok? What’s going on?”
She’s sitting on the sofa with a crumpled up
tissue in her hands and I’m at her side in an instant, furious with my father
for hurting her again.
“Your father wants me to put your gran into a
nursing home. He said the accident goes to prove that she’s no longer capable
of living by herself.”
I grit my teeth in anger, this is just
typical of him. He’s been waiting for an excuse to get rid of her for so long
and now he finally has one. Her accidental fall has provided him with the
justification that he’s being waiting for.
“That’s rubbish! Gran is perfectly capable of
looking after herself. This was a freak accident, that’s all. If we were allowed
to see her more often then she would have been found sooner!”
“I tried to tell him, Bethany. I really did.”
“Where has he gone now?” I ask, not really
caring but needing to make sure he goes out tonight so I can sneak out and see
Jake.
“He’s gone away for a week, he packed his
things and left.”
“
What
?” I stare at her in astonishment,
hardly believing what I just heard
“You remember that friend of his who sometimes
comes into the bookstore? Ted, I think his name is. He said he’s going away to
discuss some new business venture with him, something about improving profits
for the bookstore. I can’t believe he’s really gone, Bethany. He’s never even
been away from home before.”
Of course I remember his name; Ted’s the one
who promised my father the use of his caravanette for our little vacation in
two weeks time. Something I can’t allow myself to think about, the thought of
being isolated and alone with him for fourteen days.
“Mum, are you seriously telling me that he’s
going to be away for an entire week?” I don’t even attempt to conceal the
underlying excitement in my voice. The idea of seven whole days without him is
incredible, the exhilaration I feel is indescribable.
She nods her head and smiles, wiping away her
final tear. A person’s independence and liberty is not something to be taken
for granted. It is something to be cherished and valued. It is something that
is sacred and should be treated as such. Kneeling before my mother I know we
will delight in our freedom whilst we can. Every moment is precious.
A couple of hours go by and I still can’t
believe he’s gone. The house is eerily quiet without it; it’s probably going to
take me some time to adjust to the peaceful atmosphere. I know he’ll only be
gone for a week but the idea of seven whole days without him is nothing short
of incredible.
I feel like I should celebrate or at least do
something joyful to commemorate his departure. I open my bedside drawer,
searching for my phone. I normally wouldn’t text Jake until later but I need to
let him know about our sudden change of plans…
I
smile to myself after sending him my message, feeling even more confident about
what I have planned for tonight. The evening I intend to have with Jake will
change my life forever and it’s a change that I am extraordinarily joyful about
making.
“Mum, is it ok for me to head over to Amy’s
now?” I ask a couple of hours later, hoping my father’s absence will make
things easier for us both leaving the house.
“Yes, it’s ok. Have a good time and try not to worry
too much about your gran. I’ve just spoken to the hospital again and they
assured me that she’s ok. We can visit her tomorrow morning.”
“That’s great news, I’m so glad she’s going to
be alright.” I place a light kiss on her cheek before I go, counting down the
minutes until I see my boy again.
Now that I know gran’s definitely going to be alright I can
feel a little better about tonight’s plans. I no longer have to worry about
something happening whilst I’m with Jake and unreachable. She’s in safe hands
and she’s being well taken care of.
I send Jake a quick message to let him know I’m on way. It
feels really peculiar
not meeting in our usual
spot tonight; it will definitely take some getting used to. When I was a little
girl, gran always told me that she wanted me to think of her house as my own. I
spent so much time there, trying so hard to evade my father that it might as
well have been my home. I remember her saying to me that if I ever needed a
place to escape or somewhere to go, then I should go there. The thought of this
provided me with so much comfort over the years, it gave me a tremendous sense
of security and I’ve never been more grateful for that than now. Arranging to
meet Jake there feels right, for the longest time I’ve been carrying the weight
of the world on my shoulders and all I want from tonight is to forget. I’m the
only one who knows where she keeps her spare door key, another fact I’m so
thankful for.
Being the first one to arrive, I decide to
retrieve the spare key before Jake gets here. Making my way around the side of
the house, I enter into her back garden. Besides it being so damp and dreary,
it looks exactly the same as I remember. In the summertime it’s vibrant with
colour and life; her flowers bring so much beauty and tranquillity to her
garden. I miss spending my time here.
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