Read Always and Forever Online
Authors: Lauren Crossley
Always and Forever (26 page)
ruin everything. You don’t even need me, I’m sure you have plenty of girls
waiting in line to see to your every desire. Why don’t you call one of them?
You must have an entire phonebook full of whores.”
The shock and disbelief on Jake’s face is
indescribable. He looks at me as though I’m a stranger and I realise that I’ve
taken this too far.
Embarrassed and mortified by my behaviour, I
take the opportunity to dart around Jake and run. It takes him a few seconds to
come to his senses but as soon as he realises what’s happening he tears after
me.
As soon as I hear his heavy footsteps
behind me, a surge of adrenaline courses through me and I increase my speed.
Under any other circumstances Jake would easily be able to catch up with me but
I’m determined to get as far away from him as possible. The heavy rain
obstructs my pace and I almost slip on two occasions. I block out the
sound of Jake pleading with me to slow down, begging me to come back. I have to
do this, I need to get home. If I stay and talk with Jake… we’ll be here all
night and I can’t risk being late home.
Eventually Jake’s voice fades into the distance
and I slow down, knowing that he won’t find me now. I force back the sob that’s
desperately trying to escape me as I contemplate everything that’s just
happened and all the things I said. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase
the pain I saw in Jake’s eyes, pain that I caused him to feel.
I’m still out of breath by the time I reach my
house. My clothes are soaking wet and so is my hair from the thunderstorm
outside and even the palms of my hands are all muddy from where I fell when I
slipped.
“Bethany, where on earth have you been? You’ve
been out for hours!”
I haven’t even managed to close the front door
before mum bursts into the hallway with a terrified expression on her face. At
least I know my father isn’t home yet, she wouldn’t announce my arrival like
this if he was.
“Sorry, Mum.” I mumble pathetically.
“My God! What’s happened to you?” She turns me
to face her, taking in my dishevelled appearance and the dirt on my hands and
knees.
“Nothing, don’t look so worried. I realised how
late it was when I was leaving gran’s house and ran all the way home. I fell
over because of the rain and got a little muddy.”
“We need to get your clothes washed. If your
father sees them he’ll know you’ve been out. Give them to me before he arrives
home.”
I race up the stairs and quickly turn on the
shower, tearing my wet clothes off and chucking them out of the bathroom for
mum to stick in the washer. If he comes home now and sees me in this state then
we’re both done for.
I turn on the shower and switch it to the
highest temperature. I’ve only been stood under the water for ten seconds when
I hear the sound of the front door closing downstairs. He’s home. I made it
home with only a couple of minutes to spare. Thank God I didn’t decide to stay
a bit longer with Jake and talk.
I stay under the shower for a very long time, trying
to process everything that happened tonight. At first my mind refuses to stop
with its racing thoughts but eventually the soothing water starts to bring some
comfort as it silently cascades down my body.
I toss and I turn for what seems like hours, unable
to sleep and furious with myself for treating Jake so badly. I’ve been fighting
against my tears all evening but finally give in when I remember his face when
I left him and how heartbroken he looked. I silently sob into my pillow for
several minutes before I decide that this makes me even more pathetic. I will
myself to stop crying but it’s like my emotions don’t want to know, they just
keep on flowing.
I can’t believe I ran away from him like that.
I’ve just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me and there’s nothing
I can do about it. I still haven’t charged my phone because I’m so terrified of
what I’ll find when I switch it on. I can’t even begin to imagine what Jake
must think of me, I wouldn’t blame him if he told me he never wants to see me
again and that’s why I’m so afraid to recharge the battery on my phone. I can’t
bring myself to read any of the messages that Jake is bound to have sent me,
informing me that our relationship is over for good.
Now that I’ve managed to calm down I realise
that I completely overreacted to what Jake told me. I was shocked, disgusted
and extremely jealous because I never expected Jake to have so much experience.
Of course I knew he wasn’t a virgin but to know that he lost his virginity when
he was just thirteen years old sickens me. I could kill the girl who did that
to him, he was a child and as much as Jake tells me that it was consensual it
still infuriates me that she would take advantage of him and sexualise him when
he was so young.
right now. Is he thinking about me? Is he congratulating himself on his lucky
escape? I stay awake for hours, fighting with myself over checking my phone or
not. The cowardly part of myself wins out in the end, I’m not strong enough to
face a future without Jake and that’s what I’ll be faced with if I turn on my
phone to see a message from Jake saying that he never wants me to contact him
again.
I need to forget about him. I want to forget
about his eyes, his voice, his touch, his laugh and especially his smile. I
want to pretend like he didn’t matter, I want to pretend that he meant nothing
to me. I can’t allow myself to acknowledge the fact that my life started when I
met him just a few weeks ago.
I silently soak my pillow with my salty tears.
I grow more and more frustrated by my insomnia, especially when all I want to
do is scream, yell, shout and kick things. I have so much anger inside of me
and it’s driving me insane. Every time I close my eyes all I see is Jake. I
hear him
pleading
with me to understand and to let him explain things to
me, making me ache even more for his touch.
I suppose it was inevitable. I was going
to dream about him as soon as I fell asleep. In my dream I
was the one
who was chasing after Jake, begging him to listen to me and pleading with him
for forgiveness. His eyes were cold cruel as he looked me up and down as if I
meant nothing to him. He then walked away from me and I watched him go, he was
joined by the silhouette of girl who he kissed passionately. They turned their
backs on me and left me alone, I fell to the ground and continued to call his
name. I finally realised just what I had lost.
Jake
I can’t believe I’ve ruined this. The one good thing I’ve
ever had in my entire life and I’ve blown it. I knew I’d fuck things up and now
it’s actually happened. I was living on borrowed time, I knew that sooner or
later she would realise what a waste of space I am and leave me. I guess I was
just hoping she wouldn’t leave me so soon. I wanted some more time with her, I
needed more time with the only girl who’s ever made me feel alive. The only
girl who was capable of making me feel…
something.
I never wanted to blurt out the truth about my past like
that but when she asked me outright I didn’t want to lie to her. She deserved
the truth and I suppose a part of me was hoping that she might be ok with it. I
couldn’t have been more wrong.
I’m not proud of the things I’ve done. There are so many
things I now regret but there’s nothing I can do to change any of it and that’s
what I was trying to explain to Bethany tonight. I tried so damn hard to make
her realise that none of the girls I’ve been with even begin to compare to her.
She’s the only girl I’ve ever truly cared about and now I’ve lost her. I inhale
sharply; the sudden realisation of this hurts. It really fucking hurts and
there’s nothing I can do to numb the pain. I can’t even begin to imagine my
life without her anymore, it’s only been a few weeks but I mean it when I say
that she’s now the most important person in my life. The person I care about
the most in this world has just left me. She ran away from me in the opposite
fucking direction and didn’t even look back.
I can’t even bring myself to think about her
unenthused reaction when I told her that I love her. It was like she hadn’t
heard me or she didn’t even care. I think that’s what hurt me the most, it felt
like a knife had just split open my heart and when I think about the lack of
emotion I saw in her eyes I experience the excruciating pain all over again.
I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, trying to regain
some control over my relentless, intrusive thoughts. I can’t think about her
reaction right now, what I need to focus on is how I’m going to make this right
and how I’m going to find her.
Of course this would be so much easier if I knew where she
lives. She ran off so fast I didn’t even see which way she went. I called her
name for what felt like hours before I finally had to admit defeat and make my
own way home.
God, I hope she’s ok. I’ve tried calling her so many times
since she disappeared but every single time her phone goes straight to
voicemail. I don’t know whether she hasn’t got around to charging it yet or if
she’s deliberately ignoring me.
The thunderstorm seems to be passing, the rain has
slowed down but I’m still soaked from the downpour we got caught in earlier. It
was stupid and unfair of me to try and stop Bethany from leaving when all she
wanted was to get away from me and make it home on time. I convinced myself
that I had to make her understand; I couldn’t let her go until she had heard me
out and listened to what I had to say.
I suppose I should have been able to predict that tonight
would be a disaster because of the way it started. This morning I thought
everything was good, I was really excited about seeing her tonight. I meant it
when I told her that she’s all I ever think about, even my sleeping hours are
now consumed by thoughts of her. I was particularly looking forward to tonight
because I really wanted to talk with her and make sure she was ok. She’s been
so distant this past week, barely answering my texts and I managed to convince
myself that she was avoiding something, or avoiding me. I had this terrible
feeling that something might be wrong and I wanted to persuade her to open up
to me. I needed her to know that she could talk to me and that she could tell
me anything.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I make a grab for it,
praying to God that its Bethany calling me back. I groan when I see that it’s
only a notification informing me of a new update for my software. Fuck this. I
can’t wait any longer. I dial her number again and wait to hear the familiar
sound of her voicemail. This time I’m going to leave a message.
“Bethany, it’s me. I need you to answer my calls, baby. I
am so, so sorry that I hurt you tonight but I need you to talk to me, at least
let me know that you’re ok and that you made it home safely. I feel awful for
the way we left things, it’s like I’m trapped in some hideous nightmare that
I’m desperately trying to wake up from. God, I’d give anything for all of this
to just be some horrible dream. The alternative is too painful for me to
comprehend, I can’t face the reality of you leaving me and that’s why I’m now
begging you… please don’t do this to me, don’t leave me… at least not yet. I
can’t let you go; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. I meant what I
said earlier, I do love you, Bethany. I know all of this is crazy and its way
too fast but I can’t help how I feel. You’ve changed my life. Everyday I wake
up with a great big smile on my face and that’s because of
you
. I need
you to give me a second chance, I’ll do anything to fix this and make it right
again, just give me a chance. Please let me know that you’re alright. If you
need some space I’ll respect that but I need to know you’re ok first. If I knew
where you lived I’d probably be pounding on your front door right now. I don’t
care about your father or what he would say, I’d keep you safe. All I care about
is you. Please don’t end this, I’m not about to give up on us, Bethany.”
I hang up and continue my journey home. I have no idea if
she’ll even listen to my message but I was telling her the truth when I said
that I won’t rest until I know she’s ok. I’ve already reached a decision about
what I’m going to do if I still haven’t heard from her by tomorrow morning. If
she doesn’t call me back or let me know she’s ok then I’m going to go straight
over to her gran’s house and ask her to tell me where Bethany lives. She’s not
going to like it but I won’t rest until I know she’s safe. The only reason I’m
not at her gran’s place right now is because Bethany won’t thank me for it and
my conscience won’t allow me to go banging on an old lady’s door this late at night.
I still feel so guilty about being late to meet with
Bethany this evening. The last thing I wanted to do was to keep her waiting but
I honestly had no idea that I’d be late at all seeing as tonight was my night
off from work. I was just getting ready to leave the house when I got a phone
call from Ritchie, my manager. He told me to make my way down to the bar
as quickly as possible, informing me that Sarah was there and completely
wasted. He said that she was refusing to leave until she spoke to me. A huge
part of me wanted to tell him to chuck her out. She’s no longer my
responsibility so why I could be called to rescue her every time she gets drunk
and makes a show of herself?
However, when Ritchie threatened to fire me over the phone
if I didn’t get myself down there and sort it out, I quickly changed my mind. I
sighed impatiently before checking what time it was, I normally make sure that
I’m the first one there whenever I meet Bethany and I still had plenty of time
before I had to meet her. I figured that it would be ok if I went over to the
bar and dealt with Sarah before leaving to meet my girl. I’d still make it on
time and Bethany would never have to know. Besides, if I didn’t sort out this
mess with Sarah I’d be fired and I really do need this job. I can’t go back to
what I used to do for money, I haven’t done it in months and I won’t go there
again. Bethany would hate it and to be honest, I hated every single moment of
it myself. Underground fighting is not a profession, it’s a fucking circus. One
I never want to be a part of ever again.
I didn’t know what excuse I would give to Bethany if I did
end up being late, I just figured that I’d think of something if and when I had
to. I grabbed my phone and my jacket before leaving the house, heading over to
the bar as fast as I could.
As soon as I entered the bar everyone’s attention became
focused on me excitement was rippling through thee air over the little piece of
drama they were about to witness.
I heard Sarah’s voice before I even saw her. She was
slurring her words and talking with too much animation. I caught the tail end
of her conversation and I didn’t like it one little bit. She was telling anyone
who would listen all about the nasty little whore I had dumped her for, the
bitch who was going to be sorry she’d ever met me by the time she was through
with her.
Fury coursed through my veins and I clenched my fists as I
had to remind myself that it is not in my nature to hit a woman. I acknowledged
Ritchie who was watching us closely from behind the bar, letting him know that
I had this under control. Sarah had her back to me so she never saw me
approaching her from behind. She whirled around in surprised when I grabbed a
hold of her arm and spun her around to face me. I knew that my expression had
contorted with rage and contempt; I purposefully focused all of that resentment
onto her, hoping to terrify her into behaving.
“Sarah, what the hell are you doing here? You need to go
now
.” I snarled angrily.
“Jake! My hero… I knew you would come.” She tried to press
her body against mine and fluttered her eyelashes at me, trying to appear
innocent and naive.
I continued to stare right back at her with a stony
expression on my face.
“I asked you what you’re doing here.” I asked her again,
unimpressed with her attempting to seduce me.
“Aren’t you going to give me a kiss? You used to always
greet me that way, didn’t you? Sometimes you’d give me even more than that...”
She giggled before stumbling and I tightened my grip on her arm as I started
steering her towards the exit.
She kept twisting her ankle in her stupid heels and I
considered telling her to take them off otherwise I’d have to carry her out of
there, anything to make her hurry up.
“Hurry up, Sarah. I need to get you home.” I said firmly.
“I’ve missed you so much, Jake, I know you’ve missed me
too. I know you don’t really want that silly little slut you’re carrying on
with when you could have me instead. I’m special, you told me I was important
to you because I was going to have your-”
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare fucking say it. How many
times do I have to warn you, Sarah? I don’t want anything more to do with you,
I’m only here because you’re at my place of work and my boss would have fired
me if I didn’t come and get you.”
“Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. I’ll
beg if that’s what you want, just give me another chance, Jake. I’ll get down
on my knees and beg you to forgive me. You used to like it when I went down on
my knees for you, didn’t you?”
Her words made me feel sick and I had never been more
tempted than I was right then to just leave her there to find her on way home.
She stopped moving and turned away from me, pressing
her back against my chest and grinding her ass into me. Some guys who were
outside and heading into the bar ogled her in a lecherous manner and for one
second I felt my anger begin to rise, I guess a small part of me was still
programmed to think of her as my girlfriend and it has always been a tendency
of mine to protect whoever I’m in a relationship with, from anyone and
anything.
I shook my head, reminding myself that I now had a
beautiful, classy girl waiting for me who I needed to get back to.
“Sarah, you have to listen to me. We’re over and we
have been for months. I don’t feel anything for you anymore, I’m with somebody
else now and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
She turned to face me, her eyes gleaming with a venomous
hatred for me.
“Fuck you, Jake! It has
everything
to do with me! We
were together for over a year and you think you can just disappear from my
life, just like that?”
“I can do anything I want. You need to get it into your
damn head that we’re not together anymore.”
By this point we were both standing at the side of the road
and screaming at one another. My intention before I reached the bar had been to
put her in a taxi but when I saw the state she was in I was no longer
comfortable with the idea. She was really drunk and wasn’t thinking straight,
who knows what pervert might have picked her up if I put her in a cab and as
much as I really didn’t want to be dealing with her and her drama, I wasn’t
about to leave her alone and helpless at the side of the road, I’m not that
much of a bastard. I had to get her home but I also knew that I didn’t have
time to take her myself. Bethany would soon be waiting for me and if I didn’t
hurry things up I was going to be late.
“Sarah, give me your phone.”
“Why?” She whined, clutching her handbag to her chest.
At least I knew she had her phone with her.