Always and Forever (21 page)

He pauses a moment before answering and I have a strange
feeling that he’s desperate to say something else to me.

“Yeah, I’m in my second year now, studying Law. Its hard
work but I really enjoy it; the social side is pretty great too.”

“Callum, that’s wonderful. I always knew you’d make it, are
you on holiday right now? Is that why you’re here?”

“No, in the end I decided to stay close to home and I now
share a house with some of my classmates. I still get to be independent but
know I can come home if things get a bit much sometimes. I also get my washing
done for me which is a bonus.” He dazzles me with a playful grin but I just
can’t reciprocate his exuberance. I’m still so worried about Jake, there’s been
no response from him and I’m convinced that something awful has happened.

“What made you decide to stay here? You always wanted to go
away to University; it was all you ever talked about. You couldn’t wait to
leave this place.” It’s true. Callum’s greatest ambition was to move away, he
said he’d feel stifled if he stayed too close to home. London was his dream and
I can’t believe he didn’t make it happen, it’s not like him.

“Things change. Plans get altered and friends lose touch,
you should know what I’m talking about.” He gives me a pointed look, forcing me
to avert my gaze from his penetrating glare.

“I suppose I do have a few things to explain to you.” I
mumble quietly.

“Yeah, you do. I can’t believe you would really do that to
me. Bethany, why did you leave like that? I had no idea you even wanted to quit
college. Why didn’t you tell me? Did I not deserve an explanation or at least a
goodbye? I thought we were friends and you just disappeared. You didn’t show up
to any of your classes and I nearly went insane from worrying about you. I was
a mess.”

“Callum, I’m so sorry. I really am.”

“I don’t want your apologies; just tell me why you did it.
Did I do something wrong?” He asks me, close to despair.

“Of course not. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”
How can I even begin to explain to him what happened?

“If it had nothing to do with me then I demand you tell me
the truth. I’ve waited too long to hear this, Bethany. Let’s go somewhere,
there’s a Costa nearby and we can talk there.”

“No, let’s stay here. Sit down and I’ll explain
everything.” I motion for him to take a seat at the side of the road, where I
was sitting right before he first saw me.

He looks perplexed but acquiesces and joins me when I sit
down. I check my phone one more time, notice that it’s low on battery and that
there’s still nothing from Jake. Where on earth can he be?

“You finally got one of those things.” Callum nods his head
towards my mobile and I smile, remembering all of the times he would beg me to
get one so he could stay in touch with me outside of college.

“A friend bought it for me, it was about time.” I chuckle
half-heartedly.

“So… you’re saying that I had nothing to do with the reason
you left?” He prompts me.

“That’s right.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? Why didn’t
you say goodbye to me and why did you just disappear?” His jaw’s clenched and
his gaze is relentless. He won’t rest until I tell him the truth.

 Every single part of me is anxious to find Jake, to
hurry home so I can charge my phone and wait to hear from him. I need to know
that he’s alright but the least I owe Callum is an explanation, I can’t walk
away from this.

“My father made me leave, Callum. I didn’t have a choice in
the matter.”

“Your father? Why would he make you leave when you were so
close to completing your second and final year?”

I sigh with resignation. Throughout my two year friendship
with Callum I never once opened up to him about my home life. College was my
escape, the one place I could go to forget. The last thing I wanted was to
spend my time talking about my miserable existence.

“It’s hard to explain.” I say hopelessly.

“Try. I need to know what happened, Bethany. I thought you were
sick at first, for a whole week I convinced myself you were ill and that’s why
you were staying at home. After a second week went by I spoke to one of your
teachers, hoping to find out how you were and what was going on. I was so
worried about you; I couldn’t sleep or concentrate on work or anything, it was
awful. Can you imagine how much it hurt to find out that you’d left college
from a member of staff? Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to leave? Did you
think I’d be mad? If I’d have known I would have accepted your decision, I
wouldn’t have been angry; all I would have asked from you is to stay in touch.”

The anguish in Callum’s voice hurts. It hurts me to hear
how badly I let him down and sitting beside him right now hurts because it’s
forcing me to remember how close we once were and how important he was to me.

“I’m going to try and explain this but it’s not going to be
easy. There are a lot of things you don’t know, things I never told you and my
one regret is that I didn’t confide in you more. If I had then you wouldn’t
have spent so much time trying to figure out why I would abandon you or our
friendship. I was telling you the truth when I said my father was the one who
made me leave. I didn’t have a choice, Callum, I swear I didn’t. I begged him
to reconsider but it was pointless, once his mind’s made up there’s no changing
it. I thought about coming to see you after I left, I thought about waiting for
you at the end of the day outside of college but I was too much of a coward. I
thought you’d be angry with me or worse… that you wouldn’t really care. I am so
sorry if you’ve thought badly about me all this time. Your friendship was
important to me and I’ll never forget it.” I wait for him to process everything
I’ve just said.

The silence between us seems to go on forever and I wonder
if Callum will choose to believe what I’m saying, all this time he thought I
didn’t care about him or his feelings and I can’t imagine how let down he must
have felt. The guilt of it will eat away at me for a very long time. He was my
friend and my absence caused him pain, it doesn’t matter if I didn’t mean to
hurt him or not, it still happened.

“I always knew something wasn’t right. I wanted you to
confide in me but it never seemed like the right time. God, I wish I could have
helped you, Bethany. I’d have done anything for you, you know that. I still
would…”

I freeze when his fingers start to trace a line down the
side of my face; his touch is so reassuring and safe. It’s exactly what I need
right now and I can’t help myself when I lean in towards him. I’m so worried
about Jake, my anxiety is turning into fear and having Callum here is providing
me with such comfort.

“I didn’t want to burden you with my problems; it was just
easier for me not to say anything.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there for
you.” He gently tilts my chin up to look at him and I hold my breath, unable to
stop him.

“It’s ok. It was a long time ago.” I free myself from his
hold and avert my gaze to the ground, chastising myself for my body’s reaction
to him.

“I’m guessing your father never gave you my letter.” He
whispers sadly.

“You wrote to me? How is that even possible? You didn’t
know where I lived.”

I kept my address from Callum because I was always scared
he would turn up one day wanting to see me. I kept our friendship a secret from
my father for as long as I could because I knew he would put a stop to it if he
found out.

“I tried pestering the receptionist at college for your
address but she refused. She told me she would be fired if she was ever caught
giving out a student’s personal details to another student. I begged her so
many times to change her mind but it never worked. She knew you and I were
friends but she still couldn’t put her job on the line by breaking the rules.
In the end she must have had pity on me because she told me where your father’s
bookstore was. God knows how she knew that; maybe it was on your file or maybe
she’d been in there herself and saw you one day, I don’t know. As soon as I
knew the location of the store, I went there. I was so desperate to see you
again; my plan was to go by there every week after college, that way I figured
I’d eventually bump into you. I suppose you could say I always had a horrible
suspicion about your father, you never mentioned him or you’d tense up as soon
as I asked you a question about him and I guess that’s why I never chose to
confront him in the beginning. I’d see him inside the store but I never asked
him about you.”

“What days did you come by the bookstore?” I ask.

“Every Friday, as soon as I’d finished college.”

“That’s why you never saw me; I don’t work in the bookstore
on Friday’s.”

“Are you serious?
Fuck
… talk about
ill-timing.” 

“But you said that you wrote to me?” I prompt him.

“I wrote to you several times, asking how you were and why
you had left so suddenly. I begged you to tell me if I had done something wrong
or if I’d upset you. I posted all of the letters to the bookstore because I
still didn’t know where you lived. I wasn’t even sure if you still cared about
me but my pride refused to let me give up. Sometimes I’d just write to you to
talk like we used to, I’d tell you all about college and what everyone was up
to. I missed you so much, Bethany. I was lost without my friend. After several
months I realised I needed to let you go but before I sent my final letter I
worked up enough courage to speak to your father.”

“What? Please tell me you didn’t.”

“I did. I came by the bookstore again one Friday night after
I’d finished college and asked to speak to you. He told me that you had no
interest in me; that you had received all of my letters and thrown them away.
He said that I should leave you alone if I knew what was good for me or he’d
call the police and report me for harassment. I wasn’t afraid of him but the
devastation of knowing you didn’t care about me anymore was unbearable. I
couldn’t do it anymore; I couldn’t spend every single moment waiting to hear
from you, waiting for a reply that was never going to come. I was behind at
college, I could hardly concentrate when I was there and my work was really
slipping.”

“Callum, is that why you didn’t go away for Uni? You didn’t
get the grades?” I already know the answer but don’t want to believe that I’m
the reason for messing up Jake’s education. I won’t be able to carry the guilt.

“It was my fault; there’s no one to blame but myself.” He
says resolutely.

“I don’t know what to say, I feel awful.” I say truthfully.

“Bethany, stop it. It’s not your fault. I’m the idiot who
stopped going to classes and neglected his coursework. I just couldn’t shake
the idea of you, I became obsessed by it and in the end there was a price to
pay.”

I exhale slowly and try to remain calm. I can’t believe my
father would stoop so low, how could he be so malicious and spiteful? Actually,
I can believe it. He’s capable of much worse and I should never be surprised by
the lengths that he will go to. He’ll do everything in his power to control
every single aspect of my life.

“You know that I never received any of those letters, don’t
you?” I knew that Callum valued our friendship, he always told me how special I
was to him but I never thought he would try so hard to stay in touch with me
once he thought I no longer cared.

“Of course I know that now. I saw the look of disbelief on
your face when I told you about them; it’s obvious that you had no idea about
them.” He drags his fingers through his blond hair. He looks so desolate and
disheartened.

My own heart is screaming at me to reach out for him, to
comfort him and tell him that everything will be ok now that we know the truth.

“I’m just so glad that we managed to run into each other
tonight. I’m thankful that you now know the reason behind my leaving. It had
nothing to do with you. None of it was your fault.” I smile at him, hoping to
bring some optimism to our dismal discussion but Callum’s expression remains
sombre and dark.

“I just wish that I would have known the truth two years
ago. If I’d have known about your father I might have been able to help you.”

“Look, it’s in the past now. Let’s try and move on. There’s
no point living with regrets.”

 “I could have kept you safe and I would have been
there for you if you had only told me, Bethany.” His azure blue eyes penetrate
my own and I’m shocked by the undeniable chemistry between us.