Always and Forever (18 page)

“It’s because of her, because of Bethany.” I say without
any uncertainty.

“That’s her name?”

“Yeah, it’s perfect, right?”

“Jake, I think you would believe anything about this girl
to be perfect.” She says playfully.

“You’re probably right.” I chuckle, dragging my fingers
through my hair.

“Well, I’m going to go to bed. I’m glad you’re ok, Jake.”

“Goodnight, baby sis.”

She pokes her tongue out at me before closing my bedroom
door behind her and leaving me to my thoughts.

I continue to call my mum’s mobile but there’s no answer. I
wait another hour for her to arrive home or get in touch with me but when I
hear nothing from her I realise that I’m going to have to go back out and look
for her. I’m supposed to be at work in an hour but I won’t be able to rest
until I find my mum and know she’s safe. I decide to wait another thirty
minutes before I phone work and tell them that I can’t come in. They won’t be
happy about it but I need to find her. She’s my mum and I’d despise myself
forever in anything happened to her.

My mind automatically drifts back over to Bethany. That
kiss we shared this evening was incredible. I’ve never experienced anything
like it; I didn’t know that it was possible to get so turned on from just a
kiss. What arouses me the most is the fact that she’s so inexperienced. She has
this underlying innocence about her and maybe it’s fucked up to admit this but
it makes me want her even more. I’d pretty much figured out that she was a
virgin but to hear her say it nearly made me explode with desperation to change
that for her.

To be honest, I don’t think I would have been able to
handle it if I knew another man had touched her. Just the thought of it fills
me with such an intense and uncontrollable rage, it makes me want to kill
whoever it was that laid his hand on her and it didn’t even happen. Even
hearing her mention that guy she was friendly with in college makes me crazy. I
know I don’t have a right to be angry about that but I already think of her as
being mine and the thought that there was anyone before me, even if they were
only friends makes me envious to the point of going insane.

 I don’t even know where I found the strength from to
stop kissing her, she looked so beautiful. It was breathtaking to observe and
that’s why I needed to hear her tell me that she wanted me, I had to know that
I wasn’t the only one who was feeling it. I didn’t want to feel alone in the
madness or the obsession that exists between us. My restraint was tested even
further when she actually confessed how much she wanted me.

I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what Bethany
would say if she knew about my past, if she knew about all of the girls I’ve
been with and about my history with Sarah. One day I hope to feel secure and
comfortable within our relationship to be able to tell her the truth but until
then I cannot risk losing her. I realise that I’m not even close to being worthy
of her but like I told her, I’m too selfish to give her up. Nothing and no one
will keep us apart and of this I am certain.

Bethany

“So how is he?” Gran nudges me as soon as mum walks out of the
sitting room and into the kitchen. She has a mischievous grin on her face and I
know she’s dying to hear all the details about my meeting with Jake last night.
I’m sitting on the floor by the foot of her armchair but I still lower my voice
to make sure we won’t be overheard.

“He’s amazing, Gran. I’ve never met anybody like him, when
I’m with him I don’t want our time together to end and when we’re apart all I
can think about is the next time I’ll see him. I feel giddy every second of
every day and I don’t want to eat or sleep or think of anything other than him,
am I making any sense?”

Gran chuckles lightly and I can’t help but smile at my
sheer incompetence to describe how I feel. I wonder if this is how a typical
addict feels when they’re in the midst of their newfound addiction. The
whirlwind of emotions that I deal with on a daily basis are unlike anything
I’ve ever experience before, it’s extraordinary.

Everything in my life now revolves around Jake; he never
strays far from my thoughts, not even for a moment and this fact alone is
terrifying I’m mentally exhausted from all of my contemplation but I honestly
don’t feel like I have the strength or the power to force myself not to think
about him.   

“I remember those feelings well and I also know that they
can be a blessing or a curse. Sometimes the experience of first love can ruin
you forever, some people spend their whole lives trying to recreate what they
felt with their first love and the tragic thing is they don’t realise that this
is impossible. It never lasts forever, it’s not supposed to. Even if you stay
with the same person your whole life, the way you feel about them will
inevitably change. I want you to remember this moment, Bethany. I want you to
cherish every single moment and savour your memories, keep them safe and locked
away within your heart. If you do this then you will always have your youth to
look back on when you’re old and grey like me. Why do you think I still have
that one remaining twinkle in my eye? It’s because I still remember
that
feeling,
the one you’re experiencing right now for the very first time, if it’s strong
enough you’ll be able to remember it in fifty years time, you’ll still think
about the days when you felt you needed his presence like you need air.”

I look up at her in amazement; I don’t think I’ve ever
heard anything so beautiful. She gazes down at me and I know that she’s right,
our memories are so precious. A glorious moment is over in an instant but a
memory can last a lifetime. Knowing this, I decide right there and then to
always remember this one, to cherish it and savour this memory of my
grandmother for always.

“Was Grandad your first love?” I ask, unable to stop
myself.

I recognise that it’s a personal question but I need to
know if the man she spent her entire life with was the same man who caused her
to fall in love for the very first time, something which was so transcendent
and paramount to her that she’s kept it sacred, it’s deeply ingrained within
her heart and she has treated it with reverence her whole life.

“If I told you that he wasn’t, would you think less of me?”

“No. I guess I’d just be sad that you didn’t get to have
your happy ever after with the first.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me, Bethany. It’s true that by some
people’s standards I haven’t had a magnificent life. I haven’t made a lot of
money, I haven’t travelled the world or been a huge success but what I have
done is love. I’m blessed to have spent my life with a man who truly loved me;
he treated me well and made me happy. He was my true love and I thank God for
him every single day even though he’s gone.

However, I also thank God for another man, a man who came
before my husband and left long before I met him. He was my first love and he
gave me a Summer that I will never, ever forget. I admit that I spent a great
deal of years fighting against the love I still held for him but now I’ve
learnt to embrace what I felt for him and how he made me feel. I accept it and
I appreciate the small time we spent together. I now realise that I loved them
both but in very different ways. I don’t even know if my first love is still
alive, he could have passed away several years ago and I never knew.

It’s only now that they’re both gone I can truly appreciate
and cherish what I had with them. One tempestuous and unforgettable Summer and
one delightful lifetime with another. You see, I got a first love and a last.
The latter was my true love and I’m so glad that I chose to share my life with
him. They both taught me a great deal and I won’t lie to you, Bethany. I could
still weep for them both but in life we must learn to accept what we have been
dealt. He knows what he’s doing, the one upstairs who controls it all, it’s in
God’s hands, it always has been and it always will be, the sooner we all accept
that, the happier we will be. I got my charming reality and a fantasy that
always had a permanent place in my memory.”

The two of us remain in silence; I’m almost reluctant to
say anything in case I ruin the poetic beauty of what was just said.

“Gran, I… I don’t even know what to say. I hope one day to
look back on my life and see the splendour of it like you do.”

“You will. Many people live their entire lives and never
experience what you’re feeling right now; some will never know what it’s like
to be completely and utterly consumed by another human being. It’s those people
I feel sorry for, not the ones who are blessed enough to be in your shoes.
Everything happens for a reason, Bethany. I truly believe that so just enjoy your
life and always remember that there’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just life.”
Gran brings her hand down to rest on my cheek and I cover it with my own,
hoping to convey all of the love and admiration that I feel for her through my
touch.

“Do you think mum is one of those people who never get to
know what it feels like?”

“Unfortunately, she is.” Gran turns her head towards the
kitchen where mum is still busying herself making the coffee and I’m hit with a
sudden sadness for her. She deserves so much better than the existence she’s
been dealt.

“Maybe one day she’ll find the strength to leave him.” I
whisper.

Gran looks down at me and I see the doubt in her eyes, I
don’t think she believes mum will ever break away from my father.

 “I’d really like to meet him, Bethany.”

I stare at her for several moments until I realise that
she’s referring to Jake.

“Are you serious?”

“Of course, I want to meet the young man who’s responsible
for putting a bright smile on my granddaughter’s face.”

I can tell she’s being serious and I have no idea what to
say. Isn’t it a bit soon to be meeting family members? Jake and I haven’t even
discussed what we are to one another; we certainly aren’t in a relationship
yet.

“I would really like it if the two of you could meet one
day but I just think it’s a little too soon for me to introduce him to you,
Gran.”

“I promise you I won’t interrogate him and I’ll try my
hardest not to embarrass you but I really would like to meet him. It doesn’t
have to be a regular thing and as soon as I’ve met him all I will ask from the
two of you is to be happy, you won’t owe me anything but that.” Her eyes
implore me to agree to this and I find my resolve weakening. How could I say no
to her? She’s the only person who’s mattered to me for so long. Who knows where
I’d be if it weren’t for her constant care and understanding over the years.

“Ok, you can meet him next Friday.” I say, knowing that I
may as well agree to her request because I’d struggle to deny this lady
anything.

“I can’t wait.” She grins at me, her eyes sparkling with
excitement.

“Can’t wait for what?” Mum asks, startling us both as she
enters the living room.

“For next week Friday, Bethany and I plan to look at some
old photographs together.” Gran looks at me pointedly and I nod my head in agreement.

Mum seems to accept gran’s
convincing reply and places the tea tray on the table beside us. I still feel
terrible about deceiving her but have to admit that I’m somewhat impressed by
gran’s ability to lie like that. She was so convincing, I almost believed her.

The rest of our visit with gran is uneventful and once
we’re back home I try my best not to think about the phone call Jake received
last night and his face when he first looked at his phone. I have a horrible feeling
that it was a girl and can’t even begin to describe the amount of jealousy I
felt when considering that possibility.

He texted me pretty late last night but I didn’t reply. I
guess I was still a little annoyed about the fact that he was keeping something
from me; I could see it in his eyes and his demeanour after he received that
call. I’m not stupid enough to believe that Jake doesn’t have a history. I
could tell by the kiss he gave me that he’s experienced, I don’t like to think
about the women he’s been with before me but I have no right to feel this level
of anger or indignation about it. I suppose that’s why I decide to reply to him
now, I should apologise to him for my silence.

I switch my phone on and notice that there are seven new messages
from Jake; six of them were sent within the last hour and one before I left to
visit gran this morning. I quickly read through them all and immediately feel
guilty for leaving my phone at home this morning. All of his messages are full
of concern for me and I can only imagine how worried he must have been when I
didn’t reply to any of them.

I hastily type out my response and reassure him that I’m
ok. I decide to save my apologies until I see him in person and hope that in
the meantime he won’t be too angry with me for my cold demeanour last night.

I sit down on my bed and patiently wait for his reply. My
father’s still working in the bookstore so I have no fear about being caught
with my phone and mum’s too busy preparing our lunch downstairs to come up
here. He’s not due home for another four hours and I intend to savour every
single one of them. I suppose that’s where my true fondness for Saturday’s came
from, the fact that I get to enjoy a full day without his presence is a
blessing.

My phone alerts me to a new
message and I automatically smile when I see Jake’s name flash up across the
screen.

Jake: I’m really pleased to hear from you. I was starting
to worry that something had happened. Bethany, about last night... I can
explain everything, I promise you. I don’t want you to think the worse; the
phone call I got wasn’t from an ex-girlfriend or anything like that. I swear to
you that you have nothing to worry about; you’re the only one who matters to
me. I care nothing for anyone but you. Please believe me x

I read his message once again and reply with the only
open-minded reply I can think of. I already feel guilty for doubting him and I
want him to know that he doesn’t have to explain himself to me.

You don’t owe me any explanations, Jake.

Jake: But I do, you have every right to ask me anything you
want. We can make this work, Bethany. I know we can and I’m willing to do
anything to make sure that it does. I’m not going anywhere and I’m ready to
fight for what I want and all I want is you. I’ll do whatever it takes to be
with you and I mean
anything
. I’m not giving up on you, Bethany, I’m not
going anywhere. All I want from you is your trust and that’s why I have to ask…
do you trust me?

I contemplate his question for several minutes. Do I trust
him? It’s only been three weeks since we met for the very first time and since
then everything has been moving so fast. I can’t help but fear the inevitable
collision that will follow this crazy rollercoaster ride we’ve embarked on.

I do trust you, Jake. I guess I sometimes worry that things
between us are moving a little too fast. I feel as though we’re in a hopeless
situation and I’m foolish for even thinking that this could work. You don’t
know my father, he’ll never allow us to be together and I can’t even bring
myself to think about what the consequences would be if he ever found out about
us. I feel so guilty about lying to my mum, I’m sure she knows that something
is wrong. We’re playing with fire and I’m scared because you make me want to
break every single rule I’ve ever known. The risks I’m taking just to see you
are so great but there’s no way I can bring myself to walk away. The intensity
of what I feel for you is so strong, it frightens me. I’ve never felt like this
before. X

I can hardly believe I just admitted all of that to him;
I’ve never been that honest with anyone before. My heart is beating rapidly and
my breathing is erratic, I clutch the phone to my chest and wait for Jake’s
reply. I’m terrified of what he will say now that he knows how I truly feel.
Being open and truthful is something I’ve always struggled with, I hate the
feeling of being exposed and by opening my heart to Jake that’s exactly what
I’ve done.