Always and Forever (69 page)

My immense and paralysing fear suddenly transforms into
anger. How dare he do this to me? How can he treat me so abominably? I’m his
daughter and the abuse he’s inflicting upon me right now is unforgivable. He’s
hit me and vandalised my bedroom, he’s taken great delight in telling me about
gran and he’s branded me the most despicable type whore on the planet.
He’s
the disgrace; he’s the one who should be ashamed, not me.

I feel an intense fury start to build up inside of me, replacing
the heavy weight of terror. I’m ending this now; once and for all I’m going to
put a stop to this. He can’t control me anymore. He’s done everything that he
can to me and I’m still here, I’m still standing and I won’t let him think that
he’s won because the truth is… he hasn’t. I’m free, I’m leaving this house
tonight to be with Jake and there’s nothing he can do about it.

I look up at him, making sure I remain calm and assertive.
There’s only one thing I want to say to him now. Something I’ve been waiting
twenty years to tell him. I take a step closer wanting him to know that I’m not
afraid.

“Fuck you.” I whisper the two words and savour how
delicious they sound, they drip with the same poison he uses to speak to me and
the satisfaction I feel when I see the way his mouth falls open in shock and
disbelief is indescribable.

My victory is brief. I’m instantly knocked to the floor
with a backhanded blow to my cheek. The agonising pain spreads to my jaw and I
move it with caution, praying that he hasn’t broken any of my bones.

“Get up!” He demands viciously.

 When I fail to comply, he grabs a hold of my hair and
forces me to stand. Once I’m on my feet, he slaps me again and I fall to the
floor once more. He tries to pull me to my feet for another blow but I crawl
away from him on my hands and knees. If I let him touch me again I’m afraid he
really might kill me. My whole body is shaking with terror but I can’t allow
myself to admit defeat. I refuse to be his punching bag. I’ll fight him until
my last breath.

“How could you do this to me? You were my perfect daughter,
my beautiful little girl and now… I can’t even bear to look at you. You’re
disgusting; you belong in the gutter with the rest of them.”

 His words stab me in the heart, they wound me beyond belief
but they don’t change the fact that I need to get out of here. I can’t just
stay here and take this; I have my baby to think about. I still don’t know if
I’m strong enough to go ahead with this pregnancy but there’s no way in hell
I’m going to allow my father to hurt it. I watch his foot swing back and I know
exactly what he’s aiming for. I scream, quickly turning over onto my side so
that his deliberate kick lands in the centre of my back instead of my stomach.
The pain is indescribable but I know there will be more of it if I stay here.

 I picture Jake’s face and it somehow gives me the
strength to scramble to my feet. He’s still blocking my exit and I’m fully
aware that the little physical strength I have is no match against his. I have
no idea how I can beat him, all I can try to do is distract him. I move closer
towards him and spit in his face. He automatically closes his eyes and this
gives me enough time to race towards the door. I’m almost there, my hand
reaches towards the handle but I fall when he grabs hold of my ankle, my entire
body tumbling to the floor. He’s on his hands and knees just like I am and I
squirm away from him in desperation. This is my last chance; I have to break
away from this animal once and for all. Lord knows what he will do to me if I
stay.

I bend my knee, using all of my might to kick him right in
the face. He falls back, his nose bloody and messed up from the blow I
inflicted. I pull myself up and dart towards the door, grabbing the handle and
flinging it open. I hurtle down the stairs; I can hear him shouting after me,
screaming at me to come back. I tumble down the few final steps and yank the
front door to the house open. The cold night air hits me like a speeding
vehicle. I gasp for air, breathing heavily whilst my heart pounds violently
against my chest. My legs are trembling and my whole body feels hurt and
injured.

 I don’t even turn back towards the house, I just keep
going. I have no idea which direction I’m heading in, all I can do is run. I
don’t know how long I keep moving; I finally come to a stop when my exhaustion
demands that I do so. I’m gasping for air and the stitch in my side is
excruciating, as much as I want to rest and recuperate, I know I can’t afford
to stay in one place for too long. I have no clue as to where I am. I just ran
with no thought for where I was heading. I look around me for any street signs,
knowing it will make it easier for Jake to find me when I call.

Once my breathing is under control and I’m pretty sure my
father isn’t following me, I reach for my phone in the pocket of my jeans. I
start to panic when I can’t feel anything; I search all my other pockets,
including the ones in my jacket but still can’t find it. A feeling of dread and
dismay descends upon me when I realise I must have dropped it when I was trying
to escape. No doubt it will be at home with him and there’s no way I’m going to
risk retracing my steps in the hope that I’ll find it. I don’t know what time
it is but I can tell it’s late. There’s no one in sight, no one who can help
me.

I remember what happened the last time I was on my own in
the dark. I can’t bring myself to think about that night, the memory of it
still gives me nightmares. I barely survived that night and if it weren’t for
Jake I don’t thin I would have. I dig my fingernails into the palms of my
hands, internally scolding myself for being so weak. Now is not the time for me
to break down, I have to keep it together and figure out what I’m going to do
next. All I have to do is find a phone; surely someone in one of the nearby
houses will let me use their landline?

I notice a few lights are still on behind closed curtains
and make my way over to the house which is closest to me. I’m about to make my
way up the driveway when I realise I don’t even know Jake’s mobile number. I
never thought to memorise it and without my own phone I have no way of
contacting him. Whimpering pathetically, I fall to my knees. I’m even more lost
and confused than I was five minutes ago, if that’s even possible.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? I don’t know where I
am, I have nowhere to go and no one to call. I can’t even begin to remember
where Jake lives. It never even crossed my mind to memorise the name of his
street or the journey we made to his house when he took me there. I’m such an
idiot, a stupid and thoughtless idiot who didn’t even think to note down Jake’s
phone number. Why didn’t I learn it? Why didn’t Jake suggest that I learn it
off by heart? God, I’m so angry, angry with myself, with Jake, with everyone.

I sit down at the side of the road, chastising and scolding
myself for my idiocy. I will myself not to give into my increasing panic,
trying to focus and think rationally. I can’t just stay here all night, it’s
not safe and it’s absolutely freezing. My teeth are already chattering,
although I think that’s partly down to the shock I’ve experienced over
anything.

I think back, searching my mind for anything significant
from the night I went to Jake’s house. Trying to remember a road sign I might
have noticed or a particular landmark that stood out for me. I come up with
nothing and tug on my hair in frustration, forcing down the scream that’s
rising up in my throat.

We set off from gran’s house the night Jake and I left so
he could put an end to the house party going on at his place. If I go back to
gran’s house it might manage to jog some of my memory. I might even be able to
find my mum there. Of course there’s also the chance my father might be there
as well. Quenching that thought, I decide it’s the only thing I can do right
now. I have no other option but to go to gran’s house.

During the journey over there, I start to think about gran
and can’t help wondering if my father really told me the truth. For some reason
I just know he did. He was so smug and sure of himself when he told me about
her death, which in itself is enough to convince me that he was telling the
truth.

My body is weak, I’m bruised and I’m weary but there’s no
other option for me than to keep on going. As I get draw closer to gran’s house,
I start to feel my fear encroaching in on me again. I can’t imagine what I’ll
find when I get there, is it really naive of me to imagine my father won’t be
there waiting for me?

A few minutes later I make it onto gran’s road. I don’t
want to go any further in case he really is here. I stop and look around me,
begging my distorted memory to repair itself.  I remember the direction
Jake and I first set off in and decide to head that way in hopes that it will
refresh the detail of my memory. I know this plan might not be the best I’ve
ever had but it’s all I’ve got at the moment. It’s the thought of Jake that
keeps me going, all of my instincts are screaming at me to give up, to just sit
down and cry but I refuse to give into them. That’s what the old Bethany would
do, what the victim would end up doing and I’m determined not to be that girl
anymore.

I’ve only been walking a few minutes when I’m struck by a
bizarre sense of déjà vu. I recognise that if I turn left here it will be the
same route as the one Jake and I took that night. Exhilaration surges through
me, this is the right way! I’m heading in the right direction! Everything’s
going to be ok. I continue to reassure myself, desperately needing to believe
this horrific night is almost over. I keep telling myself I’ll soon be in
Jake’s arms.

The next turn is right and I carry on walking straight
ahead. I almost fall to my knees with gratitude when I recognise I’m standing
on the exact same road that Jake lives. I even notice the spot where Sarah
first confronted me and I have to force myself to keep on going as I walk right
past it. I sigh with relief when I see Jake’s house in the distance, it takes
all of my strength to stop myself from racing up to it and pummelling my tiny
fists against his front door.

All I want is to see his face, I just wish he lived alone
and I wouldn’t have to worry about who will greet me when I finally decide to
knock on his front door. I don’t even know if he’s told them about me, what if
they turn me away? Where will I go then?

 What
will I do? God, all of this is such a mess, a complete and utter mess.

I remain still, standing in the same spot like a spineless
coward. I clear my throat and square my shoulders. I can do this, I have no other
choice. All I have to do is knock on the front door and ask for Jake. At least
there’s no house party going on tonight, it would be impossible for me to walk
in there if there were crowds of people swarming about. I place a cautious hand
on my stomach, still unable to believe that there’s a tiny little life growing
inside of me.

“Mummy’s just being silly. Don’t worry, we’ll go in there
any second now and daddy will make everything ok again.” I murmur, astonished
by the words coming out of my mouth. I’ve never spoken to the baby before, I
suppose it’s the first time I’m acknowledging it at all. 

I force myself to move forward, boldly knocking on the
front door. There’s a light on in the living room and I can hear the sound of
the TV so I definitely know someone’s in. My stomach is churning like a washing
machine and I feel like I could throw up any second.

The door opens and I come face to face with a young girl.
She has the same dark hair and brown eyes as Jake so I know she must be one of
his sisters. She looks at with curiosity, waiting for me to say something.

“Can I help you?” She asks me politely. Her kind voice
instantly puts me at ease, giving me the strength to speak up.

“I’m really sorry to just turn up like this but is Jake
here?” I ask her timidly.

“You’re Bethany?” She has a look of recognition on her face
as she smiles at me with so much warmth.

“Yes, I’m Bethany. I’m sorry but I need to know if Jake is
here?”  

“Why don’t you come on inside, you don’t need to stay on the
doorstep.” She urges me, opening the door open for me.

“I really just need to speak to Jake.” I avert my gaze,
feeling awkward and incredibly shy. I’m trying to ignore the overwhelming
unease and trepidation that’s creeping up inside of me but it’s getting more
and more difficult as the seconds go by and there’s still no sign of Jake.

“He’s not here right now, he’s at work. I can call him for
you if you want to come on inside?”

The despair I feel is staggering. I completely forgot that
Jake was going into work tonight. I remember the phone call he got earlier from
his boss asking him if he could work, he even asked me if it would be ok. How
on earth could I forget a conversation that we had just over an hour ago?

“If Jake’s not here then I really should go.” I turn away
from her, trying to hide the tears that have started to fall from my eyes. My
exhaustion and fear have won the battle against me. I’m no longer capable of
controlling my emotions, they’ve beaten me.