Always and Forever (85 page)

We were in the shower together half an hour later and I
knew it was the right time for me to honest with him. I was unable to ignore
the jealousy that I’d felt earlier and knew I had to address the issue before
it was too late.

“Jake, I’m still not happy about you working with Melissa.”
I said softly, averting my gaze so I wouldn’t have to meet his piercing
stare. 

“Bethany…” He sighed wearily.

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I know there’s nothing
going on between you but I still feel really uncomfortable about it. How would
you feel if I still conversing with someone I’d slept with? I just know its going
to cause problems for us if you keep on working with her.”

“What do you want me to do? You want me to quit?”

“I can’t expect you to do that.”

“Yeah, you can. I’ll hand in my resignation if that’s what
you really want and I’ll start looking for another job. However, it might take
me a little while to find one, I’ll probably have to start fighting again. ”

“I don’t want that, Jake. It’s dangerous and wrong.”

 “Sweetheart, you can’t have it both ways. We need the
money and the underground fighting pays really well.”

He tried reasoning with me but I didn’t want to hear it. I
would never be ok with Jake beating people up for money. No doubt it would be
brutal and extreme in its violence. How on earth would I be able to sleep at
night knowing Jake was part of something like that?

“We’ll talk about it in the morning. All I want to do now
is go to sleep.” I told him, faking a yawn.

I switched the shower off and opened the glass door. I
wrapped warm towel around myself and made my way into the bedroom. Jake followed
me but stayed by the door, refusing to enter.

“Bethany, I want to say something to you but it’s not going
to be easy for me.”

He wouldn’t look at me and it made me paranoid. I had no
idea what I was about to hear but by the look of Jake, I could tell it was
something serious.

“What is it?”

“Look, I never again want to witness what I saw earlier on
tonight.” He paused, closing the distance between us. I still had my towel
wrapped around me and he tugged on it, letting it drop to the floor. “I don’t think
you understand what seeing you with another man actually did to me. I was
behind the bar when I first spotted you with him; I thought I was hallucinating
or something else just as crazy. I couldn’t bring myself to believe it was
really you, that you would actually do something like that to me.”

“Jake…” I tried to touch him but he grabbed hold of my
wrist, preventing me from reaching out.

“Let me finish. I need you to promise me that you will never
put me through that again. It honestly felt like you had ripped my heart out of
my chest and trampled all over it. I could feel the excruciating pain of my
heart breaking and I admit that I lost my mind for a minute. There’s no excuse
for my insanity but that’s exactly what it was. I constantly feel like I might
lose control whenever I’m around you, I somehow become this deranged and
psychotic Neanderthal in front of you and I don’t know what to do about it! I
never used to be like this and I just don’t know what’s happening to me!”

“Shh. Its ok, everything will be ok, Jake.” I soothed him,
pressing my body against him as I pulled him into my embrace.

“If I were to lose you… I wouldn’t be able to survive. I
swear I would shrivel up and die without you. It fucking terrifies me and I
live in fear every single fucking day. I’m petrified that something will happen
to you or my baby, I need you both so much and I just don’t know what to do!”

His eyes were glazed over with tears and he looked so lost
and vulnerable. He was gazing down at me as though I had all of the answers, as
though
I
was the one who could save him. I didn’t have the heart to tell
him that I couldn’t even save myself.

“You will never be without me. I promise you.” I reassured
him, standing on my tiptoes so I could place a kiss against his lips.

“Do you really mean that?” His eyes were full of unshed
tears and my heart ached for the damaged I has caused this incredible man.

“Always and forever, Jake. We’re always and forever.” I
whispered, bringing our naked bodies together.

I tried to go to sleep that night but the guilt and endless
torment of my earlier conversations with Callum kept swirling around inside my
head. I knew if Jake ever found out about him and my inappropriate feelings… it
would bring an end to our promised always and forever in a tragic and
cataclysmic way. I realised I had a choice; I could either tell Jake the truth
or pray to God that he would never find out about my plans to rebuild my
friendship with Callum.

Jake pulled me close, tightening his hold on my body. He
was already asleep but my insomnia refused to admit defeat. I was wide awake
and so alert, staring out the bedroom window at the full moon outside. I felt
the excruciating weight of betrayal and I knew it would stay with me for a
very, very long time.

Callum

God, I just can’t get her out of my head. She’s everywhere
and even when I close my eyes, it’s her face I see staring back at me. She’s
the first thing I think about when I wake up and she’s the last thought in my
head before I go to sleep. It’s driving me insane and I don’t know what the
hell I’m supposed to do about it. To know that I can’t have her is what’s going
to pull me under, I’m slowly drowning in my own misery and there’s not a single
thing I can do about it.

I can’t begin to describe how incredible she looked today.
She’s even more beautiful than I remembered and the fact that I can’t have her
is going to be what tips me over the edge. My heart actually aches for her, I
know what that makes me sound like but it’s the truth. She’s all I want and the
fact that I might never be able to have her is the most agonising thing I’ve
ever experienced.

I’ve always thought her to be spectacular. She’s all I’ve
ever wanted, even when we were in college. I quickly became her friend but
there was never a single day that I didn’t want more from her. She was so
cautious and shy, I knew I had to bide my time and be patient, deciding the
best course of action was to try and get to know her first.

There were plenty of girls who caught my eye but the only
one I really wanted was Bethany. None of my other friends got our friendship;
they didn’t understand why I would turn down every single girl to show in an
interest in me for a platonic friendship with someone who didn’t even know how
I felt.

I was so fucking grateful that Bethany didn’t like anyone
in college; I wouldn’t have been able to take her dating other guys whilst she
placed me in the damn friend zone. I suppose that’s where I am right now. She’s
made it perfectly clear that a friend is all I’ll ever be to her and as much as
it kills me to hear her say that, I have to respect her decision. However, that
doesn’t mean I have to accept it.

Fuck
! I really need to
stop doing this to myself. Lucy’s going to be here any second and I’m nowhere
near ready. We’re supposed to be going out tonight after I totally spaced out
on her during our date this afternoon. She sensed that something was bothering
me when I could barely focus on our conversation; I ended up suggesting that we
reschedule our date until later on, hoping that I’d be able to sort my head out
before then.

Lucy and I met at University, she’s a gorgeous girl and I
know I should consider myself lucky that she’s interested in going out with at
all. She’s sexy, funny, intelligent and sweet. She’s everything a man could
want and that’s why I’m going to find this so difficult. I have to break things
off with her tonight; it’s just not right for me to date her when I’m so
blatantly in love with someone else. I know my news is going to devastate her
but there’s nothing I can do about it now. I should never have agreed to start
seeing her in the first place. Lucy had been asking me out for a while and in
the end I thought why the hell not? There was no sign of Bethany getting in
touch with me after I gave her my number all those weeks ago and I desperately
needed to find myself a distraction. Lucy understood that I was hung up on
another girl but we both agreed to take it slow and see how things would turn.

I’ve just got off the phone with Bethany and walk into the
bathroom so I can switch on the shower. The last thing I want to do is go out
on a date tonight but the least I can do is explain things to Lucy in person.
She deserves to know that none of this is her fault and I really need to
apologise to her face to face. I realise that having sex with her last weekend
wasn’t the most admirable thing I’ve ever done and I’m pretty sure she’s going
to give me a hard time for it. What can I say? I’m a guy and sometimes I choose
to behave like one, I’ve had one night stands, sexual relationships and drunken
mistakes but I’ve never intentionally lead a girl on before. I didn’t mean to
do so with Lucy and that’s why I want to try and explain things to her as
sensitively as I can.

Standing underneath the shower’s steady stream of water, I
start to reflect on the phone call I’ve just had with Bethany. I swear to God,
hearing her voice and listening to her consider ending things between us before
they’ve even started tore me apart. I need that girl and nothing in this world
is going to stop me from having her. I didn’t  think for one moment that
she’d call me so soon, I didn’t actually think she’d contact me at all and
that’s why I was so thrilled when she called.

All of that changed when she told me she was feeling
guilty. I came close to a full on meltdown when she told me that,
panic-stricken by the idea that she had actually considered ending things
between us before they’ve even started. I knew I had to come up with something
to change her mind or she would walk out of my life forever. Bethany knows that
my feelings for her run so much deeper than she would like but she also knows
that I would never force her into anything she’s not ready for. If she needs me
to put my own feelings aside for her right now and concentrate on being her
friend, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I know she’s pregnant with someone else’s baby and I really
shouldn’t be pursuing her like this but I just can’t help it. It’s out of my
control. She’s all I seem to think about now and I almost feel like I did when
we were in college. She’s still unattainable and I still don’t give a shit. I
want her, I have to have her and I’m determined to make her mine.

 The extraordinary thing is…  I was actually
starting to accept the fact that I would probably never see her again. I was
finally coming to terms with it and then I had to go and bump into her. I want
her so much, I can scarcely breathe when I’m around her, I’ve never felt
anything like this before and I’m certain I never will again. I’ve met hundreds
of girls since I started Uni and none of them could make me feel like this.
They don’t torment me and invade my dreams; they don’t capture my breath and
make me forget my own name. They don’t affect me and I don’t crave their
presence, they’re ordinary and Bethany is so much more than that.

I was ecstatic when she first agreed to take my number,
especially when she promised me she would call. It broke my fucking heart when that
didn’t happen. For several weeks I waited for her to get in touch with me. I
cursed myself for not getting her number and despised that bastard boyfriend of
hers for interrupting such a private moment between us. It was obvious he
wouldn’t be supportive of any sort of friendship between us and I knew he was
the reason behind her silence.

I’ve dreamt about her so many times since that night, I lie
awake and imagine what it would feel like to actually be with her. She’s always
been beautiful but I can’t help but notice that she’s really blossomed since we
were at college. She still has this astonishing and indescribable innocence
about her which I find really fucking sexy. It’s what attracted me to her in
the first place and it turns me on to think of all the ways I could defile it.

The sound of my front door bell interrupts my thoughts and
I sigh, reaching for a towel to dry myself. The time has come for me to explain
myself to Lucy, it’s inevitable and I’ve just got to be honest and get it over
with. I’ll be able to focus on my main goal as soon as I break things off with
her. I’ll make her understand that it was never my intention to hurt her but it
really is my time to chase after my greatest desire.

 Bethany.

She’s all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ll ever need. I will
not lose her again. I don’t care about her boyfriend; I don’t even mind the
fact that she’s pregnant. I’ll do whatever it takes to make her mine, she
belongs with me and that’s exactly where she’s going to stay. She belongs to me
and I won’t rest until I have her. I know it will take some time and my
patience will be tested but the end result will be worth every moment.

Bethany, I love you and you’re going to love me back. You
might take some persuading and the process might hurt you but it will all be
worth it in the end. There’s only room for one man in your life and that’s
certainly not Jake.

It’s me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me…