An Amish Christmas (10 page)

Before long she had all the children out the door. That first minute of blessed silence afterward was always the best part of her day. She finished wiping down the counters and the table and had just started sweeping the floor when her father came in from the sitting room.

“Where is John?” Eli asked.

She didn’t look up from her sweeping. “I don’t know. He left about five minutes before the children.”

“I’m thinking of letting him stay on a little longer.”

Karen looked up in surprise. “You are?”

“Ja.”
Eli stared at her.

She started sweeping again. “If he stays it will make more work for me, but we could use the extra money.”

“He seems to know a lot about horses.” Eli slipped into his coat and pulled it over his sling.

Moving a chair, she swept under the table. She couldn’t believe her father was considering this. “Perhaps he could be some help to you. Until your arm heals.”

“Maybe.”

Karen swept her pile of dirt into the dustpan without looking up. “He may not want to stay.”

“Why do you think that?”

She straightened to meet her father’s gaze. “Plain living is hard for the English. He may want to live where he can have television, a phone or a computer.”

“I’ve not heard him complain about living plain, have you?”

“
Nee,
but he often goes into Hope Springs to use the computer at the library.”

“Well, if he wishes it, he may stay. I will tell him.” Eli opened the door and went out.

Karen backed up until she located a chair, then she sat down abruptly.

Would John stay?

Did she want him to stay?

The simple, frightening answer was yes, she did. With sudden clarity she saw exactly what she must do.

John stuffed the last of his meager possessions into his duffel bag. He started to close the top when he heard Eli call his name. He answered, “I’m in the bedroom.”

Eli appeared in the doorway. “John Doe, I have a proposition for you.”

“What kind of proposition?”

“I’ve been thinking. If you want, you could stay here until you find a job.”

“Stay here?” John wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly.

Eli winced and adjusted his sling. “I could use help getting the horses ready to sell. A horse that is trained to harness will bring more money than one that is not.”

John buckled his bag. “Jacob can help you with that.”

“Jacob must go to school, and he is already doing many more of the chores that I cannot do.”

“What if I can’t actually train a horse? I mean, I only feel like I know how.”

“We can work together. My arm is broken but my voice works. I will tell you what to do and you do it?”

John was so very tempted to say yes. This family had opened their home to him. He was comfortable here. Karen was here.

That was why he should go.

“Think it over,” Eli suggested before John could say anything.

Eli turned to leave but John stopped him with a question. “Have you told Karen about this?”

E
li gave John a sharp look. “
Ja,
I told Karen I would offer to let you stay on.”

“And she was okay with it?”

“She offered no objection. Why?”

Was that because she felt sorry for him or because she liked having him around? He wished he could ask her.

“I don’t want to make more work for your daughter.”

Eli cracked a wide smile. “She did say you would make extra work, but she also said we can use the money.”

John ran a hand through his hair. “Depend on Karen to tell the truth.”

“She speaks her mind. It is a thing she learned from her mother.”

John quickly made up his own mind. He walked toward Eli and held out his hand. “I will stay on one condition. If I’m going to be working for you I expect to pay less for rent.”

Eli’s smile widened. “We had best agree on this before Karen gets wind of it.”

“Before I get wind of what?” Her voice came from down the hall.

John braced himself to face her and pretend he wasn’t
thrilled to be spending more time near her. He had no where to go. He apparently had no one who cared about him. So why shouldn’t he find some measure of happiness in the new life he’d been given?

“Looks like you aren’t getting rid of me just yet,” he called out.

She appeared in the doorway beside her father, her face serene and composed. “Then strip the sheets from the bed while I get clean ones and hurry up. I don’t have all day.”

Spinning on her heels, she took off down the hall and John heard the front door slam. He looked at Eli. “Are you sure she doesn’t object to my staying?”

“I would bundle up the sheets and have them ready for her if I were you.” Chuckling, Eli hooked his thumb under his suspender.

Feeling bemused, John stripped the bed. When Karen returned with the clean sheets neatly folded in a laundry basket John held the wadded ones under his arm.

She bustled in, put the basket on the bed and pulled the sheets out of it. “Put the dirty ones in here.” She indicated the basket with a nod.

Eli said, “Since you are going to stay, John Doe, I will turn on the refrigerator for you. It can be tricky to get started.”

As Eli headed for the kitchen, John stuffed his armload of linens in the basket then lifted it off the mattress so Karen could get to work. With a few flicks of her wrists, she spread the crisp white linen over the mattress and smoothed away the wrinkles.

As she was tucking in the far side, John set the laundry basket on the desk, turned the desk chair around and straddled it. Crossing his arms over the ladder-back, he
rested his chin on his forearms. “Was this your idea? Not that I’m complaining, I’m just curious.”

She shook out the second sheet and let it settle over the bed. “It was not my idea.”

Disappointment pricked him but he refused to show it. “You’re okay with it, right?”

“Of course.” She wouldn’t meet his gaze. Instead, she kept her eyes on the task she was performing.

“It won’t be forever. Once I find a job I’ll be able to get a place of my own.” He knew he was being overly optimistic but he didn’t want her caring out of pity.

Stuffing the pillow into the case, she shook it down. “What kind of work will you do?”

“Whatever it takes. I don’t have much choice. I have to make my own way now.”

She paused, clutching the pillow tight to her chest. “I wish you well, John Doe.”

Was that a quiver he heard in her voice? He said, “Someday I will repay all that you have done for me.”

Turning to face him, she shook her head. “
Nee,
you owe me nothing. I will do everything I can to help you find a job.”

Was she hinting that she wanted him to move on? “Any suggestions where I should start?”

“The newspaper.”

“Right. I can see the ad now. Wanted: Man with amnesia for high-paying job.”

Throwing the pillow on the bed, Karen propped her hands on her hips and scowled at him. “With that attitude you will end up begging on street corners.”

Taken aback, he said, “I was joking.”

She kept her voice low as she glanced toward the door to make sure Eli wasn’t outside. “Finding a livelihood is no joking matter. You must be serious, you must work
harder and smarter than anyone else and prove you can do the job.”

John held up both hands in a gesture of surrender. “Okay, I will.”

“If you go around feeling sorry for yourself then your life will be filled with pity and not with the blessings God has bestowed upon you.”

Anger welled up inside him. “Excuse me for not feeling blessed at the moment.”

She took a step toward him. “Well, you should feel blessed. You are alive. You are strong. You have a roof over your head and food to eat. If you whine about the things you do not have then you are ungrateful for all you have.”

Why was she trying to rile him? He said, “I have all these things because of the charity of others. I did not earn it.”

She folded her arms and raised her eyebrow. “And that is not a blessing?”

Rising from the chair, he turned to the window. Bracing his arms on the sill he stared outside. “I don’t want to be grateful to others. I need to be in charge of my own life.”

She moved to stand close behind him. “Then pride is your sin, John Doe. The Amish live humble lives. We accept that we are nothing without God.”

John’s anger drained away. He understood better than most what being
nothing
felt like. Looking over his shoulder at Karen, he asked, “Do you think that’s why God is doing this to me? To humble me? What kind of person was I to deserve this?”

Karen bit her lip, drawing his attention to her mouth. He wanted to kiss her, wanted to hold her and feel her
arms around him. As much as her compassion meant to him that wasn’t what he longed for. He wanted more.

He wanted her to care about him as a man, not as an emotional cripple in need of charity.

She looked down and fixed her gaze on her clenched hands. “We cannot know God’s plan for us. It is beyond human understanding. We can only accept what trials come to us secure in the knowledge that God is with us always. He sent His only son to die for our sins. He does not abandon us. We lean on His mercy and grace so that we may not stumble on the righteous path He sets before us.”

“I wish I had your faith, Karen. I wish I believed in mercy and grace.”

She did look at him then. “You have only to open your heart to God, John. All the rest will follow.”

The soft expression in her eyes gave him hope. She did care for him, he was sure of it.

“How can I doubt God’s goodness when He brought me to you.” He reached for her as he stepped closer.

She took a quick step away. “John, we can’t—I can’t. How do I say this? There must be no closeness between us.”

Her retreat cut him like a blade. Lowering his hand, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips into a thin, painful line. Finally, he drew a deep breath and nodded. “I understand. I’m sorry if I offended you with unwelcome attention.”

“There is nothing to forgive. I am your friend.”

How could such simple words sound so lame?

What had he expected? She was a devout Amish woman. She would never consider stepping outside the boundaries of her faith with someone like him. She
offered her friendship. He would be content with that. It was more than he deserved.

At the sound of Eli’s footsteps coming down the hall, John quickly composed himself. He fashioned a reassuring smile for her. “I couldn’t find a better friend if I searched the world over,” he said, meaning every word.

Karen blinked hard to hold back her tears. They would have to wait until later, when she was alone and no one could hear her sobs. They would be her punishment for wounding John. In spite of his words, she knew she had wounded him.

At every turn she had sought to guard him from harm, to ease his way, to be the one person he could turn to. Her foolish need to be his rescuer had led to this affection for her. How could it be otherwise? Perhaps in her heart she even wanted such affection, but it wasn’t right for either of them.

She had to let John find his own path and his own strength. The only way to do that was to push him out into the world.

“Your refrigerator is working now,” Eli announced from the doorway.

John slipped the chair in place under the desk. The sudden silence seemed to radiate guilt. Karen quickly picked up the laundry basket and walked out the door without looking back. She had never felt so ashamed of her own weakness.

That night she prayed for strength and the courage to harden her heart against the attraction she felt for John. Confused and frightened, she knew only God’s help could save her from her own foolishness.

If John recovered his memory she could let him go
knowing he had people and a home waiting for him. But while he was still lost and alone, she couldn’t turn her back on him. She couldn’t.

On Sunday morning she accompanied her family to church services and prayed earnestly for strength and guidance. The saving grace of the weekend was having the children underfoot to minimize the risk of finding herself alone with John.

On Sunday afternoon, Sarah Wyse arrived with Sally Yoder to sketch a picture of John. Sally seemed oddly ill at ease. As John posed for his portrait, he tried to engage her in conversation, but he received only the briefest of replies in return.

When Sally was done, John thanked her, then left the room saying he had work to do. Sally began to put away her materials.

Karen picked up the sketch. “This is
goot
work, Sally. God has given you a wondrous talent. I know John is grateful for your help.”

“I must do all I can to aid him.” When Sally looked up Karen was surprised to see her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“Sally, do you know who John is?”

Glancing from Sarah to Karen, Sally shook her head.

“I don’t. I wish I did, but I don’t.” Before Karen could question her further, Sally grabbed her sketchbook and hurried outside.

Karen and Sarah exchanged puzzled looks. Sarah said, “She is young and she has a tender heart. This outsider’s injury and burdens touch us all.”

Nodding, Karen let the subject drop unwilling to discuss her own feelings for John.

Sarah gathered her cloak and gloves. “I promise to have copies of this made and post them around town.
Perhaps it will bring someone forward, but I hope John isn’t holding his breath.”

Karen knew she would be holding hers. She no longer prayed that someone would recognize him. These days, she prayed only to keep her heart and her faith intact.

During the next week the first heavy snowfall of winter arrived, coating the fields and farms in a flawless, glittering white blanket. Winter was tightening its grip on the Ohio countryside as Christmas loomed only weeks away.

In spite of her determination to stifle her affection for John, her eyes were drawn constantly to wherever he was. When she was in the kitchen, she kept watch on the corrals beside the barn where John, under the direction of her father, began training the little bay mare named Jenny and One-Way, her father’s great hope for their financial recovery.

To Karen’s surprise, her father appeared to enjoy working with John. She often heard them deep in conversations about horse care and training methods and occasionally saw them laughing together. If John had been Amish she would have been thrilled to see the relationship growing between the two. But he wasn’t Amish and no matter how much Eli liked him, he would never accept him as a suitor for Karen.

Anna and Noah had been delighted when they learned John would be staying. Jacob kept his opinion to himself, but it was easy for Karen to see he was upset. Especially after he learned Eli was letting John train the horses. Karen would have been happier if Jacob had expressed his unhappiness in words. Instead, he became withdrawn and secretive.

On Monday morning, Karen came down early to start breakfast and caught Jacob sneaking into the house just
before dawn. Staring at his disheveled clothes, she asked, “Jacob, what have you been doing?”

“Nothing.” He avoided looking at her and hurried up to his room.

Amish teenagers, especially boys, were expected to rebel against the strict rules they were raised with. She held her tongue, but decided to keep a closer watch on her brother. He was growing up too fast for her liking.

As the days passed, Karen began to relax. There had been no repeat of her closeness with John. Perhaps his initial attraction to her had worn off. She could only hope so. In spite of her prayers her feelings had only grown stronger.

John went out daily to visit other farms and to look for work. She knew he stopped frequently in Hope Springs to check the missing-persons website he’d told her about. In a way, it was hard to watch him go out into the world without her help, but she knew it was what he needed to do.

In the evenings, the family gathered in the sitting room after supper. Tonight, as had become the norm, Noah and John were engaged in a board game. Eli and Jacob were reading while Anna played with her doll on the windowsill.

Karen worked on her seemingly endless pile of mending as she covertly watched John. He seemed so at home among them. He was good with the little ones, especially Noah. John would make a fine father someday.

At that thought, she turned her mind elsewhere. Down that path lay only heartache. Glancing at Anna, Karen frowned. The child had both hands pressed against the frosty windowpane. As Karen watched, Anna glanced over her shoulder, then crept up behind Noah and put her hands on the back of his neck.

“Ach!” He jerked away, and she broke into loud giggles.

“’Sis kald heit.”
Anna extended her hands toward John.

He pulled away in mock terror. “What does that mean?”

Noah shivered as he rubbed the back of his neck. “She said, ‘It is cold today,’ but what she means is she’s a sneaky jerk.”

“Noah,” Eli chided. “Do not call your sister names. Anna, do not trouble your brother.”

The siblings made sour faces at each other when Eli returned to his reading.