An Ever Fixéd Mark (34 page)

She liked seeing Oliver. There was a terror
she only admitted to herself when she speculated the fire irons.
But… it was much more familiar than seeing an old high school chum.
Seeing him in that house… she had to admit… made the idea of Lily a
little less uncomfortable. Lily’s thoughts were strange, but the
way they ebbed into her mind so harmlessly…

She turned suddenly as her door opened and
Ben entered. She smiled at him, pushing her contemplation away from
immediacy. She saw the burn of his eyes, but knew she was safe with
three of Andrew’s martinis. He came immediately to her and started
a passionate kiss. She lost all memory of whatever was irritating
her about the evening and fell with Ben against the bed.

Lizzie stared at the green numbers, afraid
to close her eyes and see the green hedges on the other side of the
Harris’ carriage house. She had enough on her mind to keep her wide
awake, thoughts that slowly leaked into her brain after she heard
the last of the guests leave and Meg climb the stairs to enter her
room. She was exhausted. The alcohol was slowly wearing off. She
didn’t want to close her eyes and see…

“Elizabeth?” Ben whispered. Lizzie wasn’t
surprised he was awake. He hadn’t fed and was restless. She stayed
silent, uncertain why he wanted to start a conversation in the hour
before dawn. He stroked down the side of her cheek. “I can tell by
your breathing that you are awake.”

Lizzie turned into him. She was too tired to
show the worry on her face. He looked at her a few more minutes and
kissed her lips gently. She reached a hand down between their hips,
but he caught it and brought it back to rest on her stomach. She
knew that wasn’t what he wanted and felt the fear awaken her. “What
is it?” she tried to think how she was going to explain her
conversation with Oliver. It was a simple, friendly conversation.
There was nothing for which she need feel any shame. They were old
high school friends who caught up… about the Fulton House two
hundred years ago.

Ben looked at her and then suddenly shifted
back onto his pillow. He looked at the ceiling and took in a deep
breath. “Right before I came up here…” he breathed out again.
“Meghan kissed me.”

Lizzie felt the relief of one worry turn
into the bitterness of another. “What?”

He continued to stare at the ceiling. “I
didn’t realize you came upstairs. I went to look for you in the
kitchen. She was there and she said a few things and then…”

“You kissed her back.”

“Lizzie, I’m very sorry.”

“Meg is vulnerable right now.” Lizzie turned
her eyes away from him and followed his gaze towards the
ceiling.

“She was drunk,” Ben argued. “I don’t think
she would have done that…”

“Did she apologize?”

“I apologized to her.”

“Why?”

“Because it was wrong.”

“Because she tempted you.”

“Lizzie,” he irritated her with that
familiar name. Why was he using it? “I love you.”

“You wanted to drink her blood.”

“No.”

“If she wasn’t drunk, you would have.”

“No.”

“Do you kiss any of the others?”

“Others?”

“The women from whom you take blood every
Saturday.”

“No, Elizabeth. I haven’t done that since…
since I’ve had your blood.”

“You did it after you slept with me?”

“You were sleeping with… Elizabeth,” he
turned back to her. Lizzie wouldn’t divert her eyes to meet his. He
propped himself up on his elbow and leaned over to kiss her again.
She didn’t respond. “Those women are… I find other women
attractive. I find Meg attractive. But she isn’t… none of them are…
I love you.”

Lizzie pushed him away and sat herself up.
She knew she had less right to be angry with him with her secret,
but the idea that he found Meg attractive made her ill. Ben sat up
beside her and turned her chin back to face him. “Elizabeth, move
in with me.”

Lizzie pushed his hand away and turned from
him. “Why are you asking me this now?”

“I wanted to ask you many times. I wanted to
wait until the next time we shared blood… but… I…”

“Is this so you won’t be tempted by Meg
again?”

“No,” he said angrily. “Elizabeth, come home
with me. I miss you when you aren’t there. I want to wake up with
you every day.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

“Why? Why do you love me?”

“For a lot of reasons.”

“Because I let you feed from me when I have
an endorphin rush? Or… is it vengeance against Oliver?”

Ben got out of the bed and walked across the
room. He got halfway dressed and then looked up to glare at her
through the darkness. “Why would you say that?”

“It seems to be the way of you vampires,”
Lizzie said cruelly. “Charlotte turned Oliver into a vampire to get
back at him for stealing Lily. You obviously don’t like Oliver. Is
that because you are still loyal to Charlotte? You found out I was
Lily and kept him away from me. Was that to avenge Charlotte’s
murder? Or because two hundred years ago Charlotte chose Oliver and
cast you aside?”

“Don’t you think I kept Oliver away from you
because I was afraid he would hurt you?” he looked at her, the
anger still fueling his eyes. Lizzie felt a chill shudder her body.
She left the bed, searching amongst the pile on the floor for a
shirt to cover her. Ben was still waiting for her answer when she
was dressed. “What do you think, Elizabeth? Do you think I’m not
capable of loving someone just for the sake of loving them? Don’t
you think that because I love you I want you to be safe? That I
think of someone other than myself and my petty anger?”

Lizzie swallowed and walked towards her
dresser, not ready to answer him. He grabbed her arm and forced her
to look in his hungry eyes. “Or is it that you don’t know what it
is to love someone that much? Maybe, Lizzie, you expect me to be
unfaithful because cheating comes so easily to you.”

Lizzie shoved him away from her. “Get
out.”

Ben took the rest of his clothes and headed
towards the door. He paused before opening it. Lizzie wanted him to
say something more. She was hurt by what he said, but she wanted
him to say something… something to prove that Oliver was wrong.
That Ben wasn’t keeping things from her. That he… really loved her.
She knew she hurt him… but hurting him was a way of proving that.
He looked down after his pause and then walked out the door.

Lizzie collapsed onto the floor and stared
out the window, watching the sun rise slowly into the day.

She didn’t sleep. She gave up hope of
finding its escape and comfort by 7 o’clock. She went downstairs
and finished cleaning the remnants of the party Meg felt were
acceptable to leave behind. She wondered if Meg was still awake
when she and Ben fought. She wondered if Meg felt any guilt for
kissing her boyfriend. Or if Meg thought Lizzie wasn’t good enough
for someone like Ben.

She was angry. She knew most of it was at
herself. She knew she was a hypocrite for hating Ben and Meg for a
moment. A moment he walked away from. A moment he would not conceal
from her. Lizzie wouldn’t tell Ben about Oliver, but she let
herself make accusations based on what Oliver said. But the very
fact that Ben … he didn’t deny kissing Meg back. If he could do
that knowing it would hurt Lizzie, what else could he do that would
hurt her?

She didn’t want to face Meg… whenever she
decided to get herself out of bed. Lizzie took a quick shower and
called Nora, who offered to get Lizzie and excuse Mark from helping
to register for baby products.

Nora stared at the wall of baby strollers
and clutched her scanner expectantly. She darted her eyes over the
inventory and glanced down at her piece of paper before scanning a
blue stroller. “Mark’s sister-in-law uses that one. She loves
it.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t ask her to come
with you instead,” Lizzie glanced at the baby swings as they turned
down another aisle. “She probably has a better idea what to suggest
than I do.”

“She’s less fun,” Nora smiled. “Besides,
you’ve been a nanny. You know a lot about kids.”

“That was years ago.”

“You needed to get out of that house,” Nora
looked down the aisle, but was satisfied with that section of the
store. “I’m not surprised she did it.”

“Ben did it, too.”

“She was drunk and… Ben wouldn’t do that to
you.”

“Meg has been my friend for fourteen
years.”

“And since when has that given pause to her
libido?” Nora charged down the next aisle, hosting a display of
feeding products. “Do you really think Ben would want someone like
Meg?”

“Are you going to breast feed?” Lizzie
distracted herself by pulling a breast pump off the display
hook.

“Yes,” Nora scanned it after a look at
Lizzie. “It’s weird to think about, isn’t it?”

“Not really,” Lizzie picked up some bottles
to suggest to Nora.

“
I suppose it’s natural.
Babies feed off their mothers while they’re in the womb. It’s just
strange to think there is a little being who will be dependent on
my bodily fluid for survival.”

“There are alternatives if you don’t want to
do it, Nora.”

“No,” she looked at a set of breast pads.
“It’s a bonding experience.”

“It is,” Lizzie faded. She thought of her
blood speeding up the rhythm of Ben’s heart. Did Ben feel that bond
with his other sources?

“This whole experience is fascinating… and
weird,” Nora scanned the breast pads and a package of membranes.
“The fact that we can nourish another being… that sounds
gross.”

“No.” Lizzie couldn’t mask her dejection.
Lizzie turned into the next aisle and found a diaper bag for Nora’s
approval.

Nora smiled broadly at the classic green
appearance. “Mark won’t hesitate to carry this around.”

“Do you want to know the sex?”

“
I’m scheduled for another
ultrasound in two weeks,” Nora let the grin escape her. “Mark and I
are still debating if we want to know before delivery.”

“Either way it’s good news.” Lizzie’s eyes
blurred the colors of the diaper bags together.

“Oh Lizzie,” Nora touched her shoulder as
Lizzie’s phone rang.

“It’s Ben,” Lizzie didn’t take the phone out
to look.

“I can talk to him if you don’t want
to.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Lizzie let the tears
surface in her eyes. “I’ll be right back.”

Lizzie rushed towards the store entrance and
answered before it went to voice mail. “Ben.”

She heard the long exhale before he spoke.
“Hi Elizabeth.”

“I can’t talk long. I’m shopping with
Nora.”

“Good,” he paused. “I have an appointment at
the clinic… but maybe you … will you come over after?”

“I don’t know,” Lizzie leaned against the
exterior of the store and watched a young couple go in with two
infants. “I didn’t sleep very much last night.”

“I was hoping we could talk.”

“We’re talking now,” she blinked her eyes so
the exiting customers wouldn’t see her tears.

“
I …” he cleared his
throat. “I regret what I said before I left last night. I want you
to know that. I don’t want another day to pass with you thinking
that I really think you are… Elizabeth, I don’t want to be with you
so I can hurt Oliver.”

Lizzie breathed out. She couldn’t form any
words to respond to him. She knew this was the opportunity for
honesty… but it was even less ideal to mention that she saw Oliver
at the Fulton House, as neutral and amicable as their conversation
was. She didn’t want to say it on the phone, without him in front
of her. Did that not make some of his harsh words ring true? She
hadn’t kissed Oliver as he kissed Meg, but wasn’t she the one being
deceitful?

“Ben,” she stared at the sidewalk beneath
her. “We both said hurtful things last night. I had no right to…
say such an awful thing.”

“You were hurt,” Ben said with
understanding, but not forgiveness.

“I was…”

“I shouldn’t have told you that in the
middle of the night…and followed it up with a plea to come live
with me,” Ben didn’t allow her to finish her thought. “I want you
to live here, Elizabeth. I meant what I said.”

Lizzie dared to lift her eyes, catching the
sun and making her head spin. “Ben, I’m very confused right
now.”

“You know I love you.”

“I know,” Lizzie took in a deep breath. “I
don’t want this to be a choice I make to avoid Meg.”

“That’s fair.”

“I am thinking about it,” her eyes softened
as a cloud muted the glare of the sun. “I’ve got to make things
right with Meg before… before I make any decisions.”

“
Okay.”

“I… I think maybe we should attempt some
sort of human relationship. Will you come to Thanksgiving and meet
my crazy relatives?”

“
Of course,” his tone
lightened. “My trips to Chicago will be over by then.”

“Right,” Lizzie sighed. She let herself
forget he was spending much of his November screening blood donors
in Chicago. How many would he sample personally? “You’re leaving
Tuesday?”

“In the morning. I’ll be back on
Friday.”

“I want to see you before you go,” Lizzie
forgot all her anger with a pang of longing.

“I’ll be home from the clinic around
three.”

“I’ll have lunch with Nora and go home to
get my car and some clothes. Although I might fall asleep when I
get there,” she yawned.

“That’s okay. As long as you are here.”

Lizzie said goodbye to Ben and went back to
Nora, finished with her registry. Lizzie explained the apologies of
her phone call over a leisurely lunch, but still managed to dodge
every significant element of what was troubling her. She wanted to
tell Nora… but how could she even begin to describe Lily and Oliver
and all that?

Nora dropped Lizzie off without going
inside. She was still angry with Meg. And much though Lizzie hoped
to avoid an encounter, she knew she was just going to have to face
it, especially when Meg was standing at the top of the stairs
waiting for her.