An Honest Love (25 page)

“
Nee
. He never has been. Part of being a bachelor all his life, I guess. He’s used to only thinking of himself.” Anna frowned. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. You know
Onkel
Zeb isn’t a selfish man.”

“I know exactly what you meant.” Lukas gave her a reassuring smile.

But as he sat down to the meal with Anna and her family, he couldn’t focus much on supper. Her reaction had been severe for a small muscle twinge. And yet, what did he know? Not much about medicine and medical stuff. And while he had done well in school, he had forgotten most of what he’d learned other than what directly applied to his job and life. Maybe it was normal for women to have those kinds of spasms.

Later that evening, after Lukas went home and her mother and Uncle Zeb had gone to bed, Anna took one of the pills Dr. Caxson had given her for pain. She was down to just two pills. She read the side of the bottle. No refills. She’d have to visit him again before he would write her another prescription.

She took the pill with a sip of water, then went to the window of her bedroom and looked outside. A full moon illuminated the barn and shed, spreading its silvery light over the large field behind the two buildings. Placing a hand over her abdomen, she thought about Lukas. She had told him she was fine. But that hadn’t been the truth.

Her body was betraying her, and she didn’t know what to do. The pain had returned, and although Dr. Caxson had told her to call him right away, she was afraid he might tell her the one thing she never wanted to hear—that she couldn’t have children. She wasn’t ready to face that diagnosis yet.

She also refused to give up on God. She would continue to pray, continue to be patient while she waited on his healing. Wiping the tear that had dripped down her cheek, she stared into the night and steeled her emotions. Even though she was tired, she wouldn’t let Lukas or her mother see it. She would hide her fatigue, just as she would hide her despair. Her mother would only give her a lecture, tell her to go back to the doctor and apprise Lukas of the diagnosis. Lukas would only worry, or worse, decide he didn’t want to marry her.

“Dear Lord,” she whispered. “Hear my prayer. Please heal me. After Lukas and I marry, I want to have a
boppli
. Just one
boppli
, that’s all I ask.” Perhaps if she didn’t ask for too much, God would honor her request.

A week later, on a Zeb-free day, Anna and Edna were making a St. Patrick’s Day display in the front window of Esh’s Amish Goods. She and Lukas had announced their engagement in church the previous Sunday, which surprised no one.

In all the excitement of preparing for the nuptials, Anna felt more tired than usual. Her pain had also returned, and she was managing on Tylenol and taking early naps. As she set a bright green shamrock in the middle of the display, she couldn’t stifle a yawn.

“Why don’t you go home and rest,” Edna said, coming up behind her.

The snow covered the ground in a thin layer, and the sun had been hidden behind thick, flat clouds for the past two weeks. This was the time of year she liked the least, when the winter days seemed interminably long and stretched out for eternity. She couldn’t wait until spring and the warmer weather when she could start her garden and do some landscaping around the house.
Onkel
Zeb had said she and her mother could do anything they wanted to the house, and that courtesy had extended to Lukas as well, who had already started refurbishing the cabinets in the kitchen.

“Take the buggy. I can run things here by myself.”

“I know,
Mami
.” But Anna didn’t want to go home. Work helped keep her mind off of her pain and fatigue. “I can’t go home, at least not yet. I still need to work on the books. And count the inventory.”

Edna placed two small faceless dolls into an adorable crib Lukas had made a few months ago. It was the last of several cribs he had made. They sold so quickly that Anna and Edna didn’t think this one would make it to the end of the week.

Over the last few months, Anna realized that her mother liked to rearrange things, and she especially was comfortable making new displays, along with visiting with the customers. It gave Anna more time to spend behind the scenes, balancing the accounts and counting and ordering inventory. Managing the business aspect of the shop was something she enjoyed doing.

When her mother had finished with the display, she turned to Anna. “Why don’t you wait to do that paperwork tomorrow? It’s not urgent, is it?”

Anna looked at her mother, wishing she could bring herself to confide in her more. “That’s a
gut
idea. Tomorrow we’ll do the inventory. But I still have to look at the books.”

Edna said, “That can’t wait either? Or maybe you can take them home.”

“
Nee
, I’d rather keep them here. I don’t want to lose anything.”

Edna walked toward her, concern etched on her face. “Anna, I’m worried about you. I know you said everything is okay, but you’ve seemed overly tired lately, and a little pale. Maybe you should go back and see the doctor one more time.”

Anna was about to tell her that another doctor’s visit wasn’t necessary when the cell phone in the back of the store rang. The
Ordnung
permitted telephone use for business purposes only, and neither the Eshes nor the Bylers owned a cell phone or had one at their house. It had taken a while for Anna to get used to having one at the store.

“Excuse me,” she said to her mother, then went to the storeroom to answer the phone sitting on her desk.

“Esh’s Amish Goods.”

“May I speak to Anna Esh, please?”

“Speaking. How can I help you?”

“Ms. Esh, this is Dr. Caxson’s nurse. I was looking over your records and noticed your prescription has run out. I was calling to see how you’ve been doing since the laparoscopy.”

Anna looked at the doorway, then sat down and lowered her voice. “Fine. Everything is going well.”

“You’re not having pain?”

“Um . . .”

“Ms. Esh, if your pain has returned, you need to see Dr. Caxson right away. Would you like to make an appointment now?”

“I don’t have my calendar handy.” She shoved her small planning calendar to the side. “And I’m not really having much pain. Just a twinge every once and while.” Guilt over the lie assaulted her.
Lord, forgive me
.

“Ms. Esh, normally I wouldn’t press you to make an appointment. But if you’re having any complications, you need to be seen. Your endometriosis could have worsened, which could cause significant health problems.”

Alarm replaced Anna’s upset at the nurse’s words. Was her situation that dire? The nurse seemed to think so, but Anna couldn’t accept that. Still, to get the woman off the phone, she said, “Like I told you, I’m fine.”

The nurse paused. “If anything changes, don’t hesitate to call the office. We’ll get you in as soon as possible.”

“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”

After the call, Anna dropped her head into her hands. Fatigue washed over her, making her want to crawl in a hole and close her eyes for the next two days. She should be thinking about her wedding, about becoming Anna Byler, not worrying about hiding her pain.

“Who was that?”

Anna lifted her head and sat up straight at the sound of her mother’s voice. “No one,” she said, rearranging the already neat piles of paperwork on her desk.

“You sure spent a lot of time talking to ‘No one.’” Edna came further into the room. “I overheard part of the conversation. What’s going on, Anna?”

Anna didn’t say anything. Her mind suddenly came up blank; she couldn’t think of any excuses.

Edna reached for a nearby chair and sat down. “Was that the doctor’s office?”

“What made you think that?”

“I might be advancing in years,
dochder
, but I’m not addled yet. And by the grace of God, I’ll be a sharp as
Onkel
Zeb by the time I’m his age. I didn’t think you were telling me everything about your last visit with Dr. Caxson, and I can see by the look on your face that I’m right.” She softened her tone. “Please. Tell me what’s going on?”

Anna took a deep breath. “Dr. Caxson’s office was just calling to follow up on my procedure.”

“That sounded like more than a follow-up call.”

Tired of lying, she said, “I’m having a little bit of pain. The nurse said I should
geh
back and see the doctor.”

“Then why didn’t you make the appointment?”

“I don’t know.” She rose from her chair. “What if something’s really wrong?”

“All the more reason to see the doctor.”

Anna turned around and faced her mother. “
Mami
, I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. I don’t have time.”

“You’ll have to make the time.” Edna went to her. “Tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it.”

“It’s not that simple.” She threaded her fingers through her hands. “Lukas wants a large family.”

“I know you do too. Your
daed
and I also wanted lots of children, but God’s ideas were different. I’m grateful he blessed me with one.”

“But what if I can’t give him even one? The doctor said there was a possibility I might not be able to get pregnant.”

Edna brought her hand to her face. “Oh, no.”

“He said I might need to have surgery again.”

“Oh, Anna,” Edna said, her voice cracking. She leaned forward and took Anna’s hand. “This is serious. Why haven’t you made that appointment?”

“Because what if he’s wrong? Doctors can be wrong,
Mami
.”

“Then if you think he’s wrong, get a second opinion. There are plenty of doctors around here. You can go to Cleveland if you need to.” Edna paused, looking up at Anna. “But you won’t, will you? You won’t because you know deep down that Dr. Caxson isn’t wrong.”

“
Nee
. I don’t. And even if he’s right, that doesn’t mean that God won’t work a miracle.” She swallowed the lump clogging her throat. “Sarah prayed for years for a child. She was in her nineties when she had Isaac. And Hannah, she prayed and had Samuel. Why can’t the Lord do the same for me?”

“You want to have a child when you’re ninety?”

“
Mami
, you know what I mean!”

“Does Lukas know?”

Anna shook her head. “I can’t tell him.”

“You have to. He’s going to be your husband. He needs to know this.”

“If he finds out, he might leave me. And he’d be within his rights, too, if I can’t guarantee him a child.”

“You’re not giving him enough credit.”

“Daniel left me without a reason. Lukas would have every reason to cancel our engagement.” A tear escaped, and she wiped it away. “I love him so much. I don’t want to be without him.”

“But you’re not being fair to him. You’re lying to him, you’re endangering your health—”

“I’m trusting God!” Anna took her mother’s hands in hers. “Are you telling me not to trust him? Not to put every ounce of faith I have in his power?”

“
Nee
. I would never tell you that. But Anna, what about Lukas? Wouldn’t it make sense for both of you to pray? Together?”

Anna released Edna’s hands, then turned her back to her. “I can’t tell Lukas. Not yet.”

“Then when?”

“After the wedding.”

“Anna, look at me.”

She hesitated, then turned, her heart rending at the pain she saw in her mother’s eyes. “I remember how distraught I was when I found out I couldn’t have any more children after you were born. But as difficult as that was, I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through right now. But please, for your sake, and for Lukas’, you have to tell him about the diagnosis.”

“And dash his dreams of a big family? Look at his sister, Moriah. She’s expecting her third child. Tobias and Rachel have Josiah. You should see how Lukas is with his nieces and nephew,
Mami
. He adores them. All he can talk about is when he has children of his own. How can I tell him that he won’t, because of me?”

“God will give you the strength to do so. If you believe he has the power to perform a miracle, then trust he will help you and Lukas make the right decision about this.”

Anna pressed her lips together until she couldn’t feel them anymore. Her mother’s words were logical, but they rang hollow in Anna’s heart. Her
mami
didn’t know how many sleepless nights Anna had spent thinking about how she could tell Lukas, imagining the look on his face when she did, fearing his reaction when he found out that she had kept this from him for so long.