And Then You Fall (Crested Butte Series) (18 page)

She didn’t have an answer. Because she wouldn’t be able to bear it when he realized she was right? If she left first it would hurt, but nowhere as bad as it would if she gave herself over to him in life, in the way he asked tonight, and then he realized she had been right along.

“Liv?”

“I guess I don’t. I can only decide what’s enough for me.”

“Am I enough for you?”

“You’re too much Ben.”

He felt it again, her pulling away from him. He reached over and turned on the light in the now dark room. He needed to see her eyes, he needed to look at her and watch her tell him they were through, if that was what she was telling him. He didn’t ask, he waited.

“You need so much,” she finally answered. “I can’t give you all you need. You said it yourself.
You need.
What will happen to me if I become what you need?”

“What are you saying?”

Liv sat up and pulled the sheet over her. “Are you going to force this Ben? Because this is exactly what I’m talking about. It’s all in, right now, or not at all.”

She got up and started to put her clothes on.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting dressed.”

“Why?”

She turned and glared at him, dropping her clothes back on the floor. “Because that is how I feel when I’m with you. That’s what you do to me. You look too closely. You push too hard. You want everything, but you want it right this minute. You make me want to put my clothes back on.”

She ran her hand through her hair, trying to decide what she should do. She reached out and grabbed the sheet, yanking it for all she was worth. It came off the bed and she wrapped it around her.

“You decided you wanted to know more about me, so you followed me around, asking me questions, endlessly. You wouldn’t stop Ben. You forced it. Let’s go back further. You came to my house. You just showed up there. You didn’t even call me. You just came. And you didn’t even really ask if you could stay. You just stayed.

“You insisted I tell you about my life, whether I was ready to or not. Then, worse, you made me, forced me, to listen to yours. I wasn’t ready for that. Do you understand? I’m not ready for any of this.”

Liv was pacing back and forth next to the bed, trying to hold the sheet up as she did, but it would slip, and she would trip on it. And every time she did, she’d glare at him, as though it was his fault.

And he, asshole that he was, thought it was the cutest, sweetest, craziest thing he’d ever seen. She was trying to be mad at him, but she sucked at it. It was harder than hell for him to fight the smile he could almost not hold in. She was adorable when she tried to be mad.

Then she growled at him. He couldn’t help it . . . he laughed. And she stopped moving. She stood next to the bed, holding the sheet up with one hand, and stared at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, but he couldn’t stop laughing.

“No you’re not. You’re not sorry at all. You think this is funny.”

“Liv. Olivia. Olivia Fairchild. I don’t think this is funny.”

“Then why are you still laughing? You can’t stop, can you?”

He couldn’t. He tried to, but he couldn’t. Maybe if he didn’t look at her. But where else was he going to look? He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her on top of him.

He pulled her as close as he could get her. She was smiling, she wasn’t mad anymore. He hoped what he was about to do wouldn’t make her mad all over again.

“Liv.”

“Ben.” Her eyes were soft, her lips still smiling. She was being silly now. He had to do it anyway.

“I love you.”

Chapter 16

Ben held his breath. She didn’t say anything. Her expression didn’t change. Nothing. He wasn’t sure she heard him.

Finally she moved. Her hand came up and her fingers stroked his cheek. Then she licked her lips. Twice. Her hand went to the back of his neck and she pulled herself up so her lips were closer to his.

And she kissed him. Softly at first. Lips brushing lips. Then she went deeper, her hand pulled at him, her fingers dug into his skin.

“Liv—”

“Shh.” She unwrapped herself from the sheet and threw it to the side. Her hands pushed at his shoulders, forcing him to lay on his back.

“Skin on skin,” she murmured as she climbed on top of him and rested her body against his.

In the night they turned, still holding each other, face to face. Ben opened his eyes. She looked peaceful, and absolutely breathtaking. He traced the curve of her jaw, once again moved by how deeply she affected him.

He glanced over at the clock. A little after seven. If he woke her up now, they’d have time to have breakfast together before she had to be at the barn. It would be a normal, everyday kind of thing. It would be about her. He heard her last night. He was too anxious, pushed too hard. She even said it to him that day in Vegas. When he asked if it was too much, she answered it was too soon.

“Hey cowgirl, time to wake up.” He kissed her eyelids, then moved down to the tip of her nose, then each soft cheek. “Wake up baby.”

“Hmm, what time is it?”

“Still early enough for you to have breakfast and still be on time.”

“Good,” she groaned, and stretched, the sheet fell away from her body. “I’m starving.”

Ben needed to get out of bed now, right now, while they still had time to have breakfast. They hadn’t had dinner last night, he had to make sure she ate this morning. If he got lost in her body, again, they wouldn’t have time.

“Come on,” he said, pulling her arm. “I’ll start the shower for you.”

“No, come back, we have time,” she pulled him toward her.

It would be so easy to climb back in bed and take what he needed from her, but she needed nourishment more than she needed him.

He let go of her arm, bent down and put her over his shoulder. “Shower, baby, let’s go.”

“Nooo. What are you doing? Ben, stop!”
Her fists pounded at his back.

Ben reached in and turned the shower on, the water was ice cold, perfect. He climbed in and set her on her feet. Liv screamed when the frigid water hit her back and started pummeling him. And laughing.

It was going to be a good day.

“Pancakes. Wait. And sausage. Or bacon. I don’t know, both. And some eggs, scrambled. Oh, and toast. Don’t forget toast.”

The waitress stood with one hand on her hip, waiting for Liv to finish. “Anything else? Hash browns maybe?”

“Oh yes, hash browns, that sounds good. Thanks.” Liv looked over at Ben. “What are you going to have?”

Before he could answer she started talking to the waitress again. “Oh, and coffee. And juice. Um, do you have tomato juice?”

“Yep, got it. Coffee and tomato juice.” She continued to look at Liv, expectantly.

“That’s it for me.” Liv looked at Ben impatiently. “What are you going to have, come on, hurry up. We need to order here so I’m not late.”

“I’ll have what she’s having,” he smirked.

That got a laugh out of the waitress who seemed as amused by Liv as he was.

Liv was looking at the program for the rodeo that she picked on on their way into the diner.

“Whatcha’ lookin’ for?”

“Nothin’,” she answered absentmindedly as she hurriedly flipped through pages. She found what she was looking for and started reading. Suddenly she stopped, set the booklet down and folded her hands on top of it.

“I’m sorry. That was rude.”

“It’s okay, you can read if you want to.”

“It’s not very polite,” she murmured.

“I don’t mind.” Ben took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. “Relax. I can be with you without having your undivided attention.”

She raised her eyebrow. “Can you?”

“I can do whatever it takes baby.”

“Whatever.” She grinned and rolled her eyes at him. Then went back to reading her program.

“There you are.” Renie plopped down on the bench seat beside her mother. “Check your phone much?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Where is your phone Mom?”

Liv reached into her back pocket and pulled out her phone. “Sorry, I must’ve turned it off accidentally.”

“No kidding. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since last night.”

Liv looked over at Ben, squinting in accusation.

“What?”

“Did you turn my phone off last night?”

“No idea what you’re talking about baby.”

“What if something had happened to Micah?” Her tone turned serious.

“Everyone knows where you’re staying Liv. They would’ve come and knocked on the door and we would’ve heard them.”

“My daughter was trying to reach me. What about that?”

Renie answered. “If it had been an emergency I would have done what Ben just said Mom. It’s nothing to get upset about.”

The waitress, plus a helper from the kitchen, started setting plates of food down on the table.

“Who else is having breakfast with you two? Look at all this food.”

“You are.” Liv answered without looking up. Her mouth terse as she spoke.

And Ben knew he had screwed up.

***

Liv was distracted the rest of the morning. She knew it and so did Jolene.

“Get him out of here. Send him home.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ben. Send him home.”

“I can’t do that Jolene. It’s one more race.”

“I don’t like having him here. You aren’t focused.”

“That isn’t fair.”

“It’s a simple rule Liv, and one that’ll make you win more often.”

What was Jolene talking about? Was she suggesting that Liv not allow Ben to come to the rodeos she was competing in? That was ludicrous.

“Mark my words.”

“Jolene, come on. What would Larry have said if you told him he couldn’t come and watch you.”

“He never did.”

“He never came and watched you? Seriously?”

“I wanted to win more than you do.”

Liv still thought Jolene was being completely unreasonable, but that night when she knocked over not one, but two barrels and rode herself out of the money, she started to think that maybe Jolene was right.

“I don’t care if you didn’t place, we’re going out and celebrating tonight.”

“Dottie, I appreciate it, but I really don’t feel up to it tonight.”

“Buck up buttercup. Never been a day since I’ve known you that I haven’t been proud of you. Don’t make the first time it happens be tonight.”

Liv felt like she was about five years old. Between Ben turning her phone off last night, and Jolene telling her that she shouldn’t let Ben watch her ride, and now Dottie talking to her as though she was behaving badly, Liv really just wanted to load Micah into her trailer and drive home. And she wasn’t thinking the other side of Oklahoma, she was thinking Colorado.

She wanted to be alone. That was what she was craving.

“Don’t do it.” Paige said.

“Oh, you scared me. I didn’t see you standing there.” Liv ran her hand through her hair and bit her lower lip. “Don’t do what?”

“Leave.”

“What the heck Paige?”

“Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking about it. I know that look.”

“Just because I was thinking about it doesn’t mean I’d actually do it. Hey, do you know where Ben is?” She just realized she hadn’t seen him. What did that say about her?

“I think he’s with Mark. Thought he’d give you some space.”

Liv told Paige what Jolene had said, about Ben not being there when she rode.

“Sounds like a load of crap to me.”

Liv laughed. “Yeah, well, there’s that. But also, I was distracted today. And admittedly it was because I was mad at him.”

“So learn how to be mad at him and still stay focused. Practice that instead of keeping him away.”

Liv had to admit, what Paige suggested made sense.

***

Ben was nursing his second coke when he saw Liv walk into the bar with her entourage in tow. Jolene walked by and glared at him.

“She doesn’t like the balls,” Mark snickered. “If she liked ’em better she might not be such a bitch.”

“I heard that,” said Dottie, tweaking Mark’s cheek. “We’re gettin’ a table. You fellas gonna join us?”

Mark stood to follow, but Ben stayed seated. “What are you doin’? Come on, we’re gonna get something to eat.”

“Just give me a minute. I’ll be in.”

He watched as everyone else went to sit at the table. Everyone but Liv who was walking toward him.

“You hidin’ from me cowboy?”

“I feel like I’m in trouble.”

“Nah, you’re not. But here’s the thing, is this about you Ben? Or is it about me? I don’t think you’re used to things bein’ about somebody other than you. You might wanna think about that.”

She turned on the heel of her fancy cowboy boots and walked off in the direction of the table. When she got about two feet away from him, she turned and looked back over her shoulder to see if he was coming. It was the first time he’d ever seen her look back. He got off the bar stool and followed her.

Before they got to the table, Ben put his hand on Liv’s waist and she stopped walking.

“This is what I’m talking about, you know. This is my time Ben, I’ve never had that, never let myself. Before I can give myself over to anyone I have to fill myself up first. Do you understand?”

He was beginning to. And surprisingly, he felt okay about it.

***

Liv almost wished she had left yesterday. She wouldn’t have to say goodbye to Ben now if she had.

She had the trailer hooked up to the truck and needed to get on the road. She decided to go home for a couple days, regroup, and then get herself back out there. It was a seven hour drive and all she wanted to do was sleep. Thank goodness she’d have Renie with her to keep her awake.

Ben was loading the last of her stuff into the back of her truck, he’d insisted that she just let him do it while she said goodbye to everybody else.

“Ready?”

That wasn’t what she expected. She’d expected at least a little bit of drama from him.
Baby, I love you.
That kind of stuff. If she was learning anything, it was that she never knew what to expect from him.

He walked over to her passenger door and held it open, as if he expected something from her.

“What?”

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, I guess I am. Does Renie want to drive?”

“I’m gonna drive the first leg so you can get some rest.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We’re both going to Walsenburg. I’ll drive for a couple hours, or I can just drive the whole way if you want me to.”

“Who’s driving your truck?”

“Bill.”

“Ben—” she sighed heavily and closed her eyes. “Oh hell with it. Never mind. Let’s go. Where’s Renie anyway? I guess I should at least know where my daughter is before I leave.”

“She’s riding with Billy. We’re caravaning baby. This’ll be fun.”

It occurred to Liv that perhaps she had as many control issues as Ben. After all she was furious that all of this had been decided with
out a single one of them asking her opinion. She also wasn’t crazy about her daughter being alone with Billy, but she supposed, or hoped, he was like an uncle to her.

“Hard, isn’t it?”

“What?” she barked at him.

“Lettin’ go.”

“Shut up.”

Ben put his arm around Liv’s waist and swung her up into the truck. “You could use the time to figure out which events you’re gonna enter between now and Las Vegas.”

“As if I had a prayer of making it this year. Get real.”

“Gotta dream baby.”

Liv hadn’t gotten a penny of the purse in Woodward, not that she expected to. She’d be lucky if she’d earned enough to get her membership card before December, let alone dream about being in the top fifteen in the standings.

“What do you want to listen to on our ride baby?”

“You know who my favorite band is.”

“CB Rice?”

“Um. No. Isn’t that weird, to listen to your own music? What do you do, sing along?”

Ben laughed. “Kidding Liv. So, who?”

“Let’s listen to a country station for a bit.” Ben hoped she didn’t see him roll his eyes.