Antagonize Me (21 page)

The door opens and an elderly lady in a white coat walks in. She sits next to me and smiles down at me. “How are you feeling today, Christina?” she asks and I cringe at that name, that’s Kyrone’s name for me. I just nod my head.

“You have given everyone quite a scare. We’ve had to take drastic measures to keep you from hurting yourself,” she says, still with that observing smile on her face. I go to lift my arm and see that there are bandages around it. She looks down at it and releases my hand. I bring my hand up to look at the bandage and it hurts when I touch it.

“As I was saying, you have not been well. Hillary thought it was best that you stay in here for a while. You seem to want to hurt yourself. You took large amounts of pills and you’ve had to have your stomach pumped. That was one week ago. Then this week you drank so much that when you cut your wrist, the blood wouldn’t stop. I’m going to let you out of the braces today. Please come and walk around, we have a lot to discuss,” she says and releases my other arm and legs.

I stand on shaky legs and follow her out of the room. She goes into an office and sits behind the large mahogany desk. I take the seat in front of it. She taps her pen on the paper in front of her and then looks up at me and smiles again. I want to wipe that smile off her face.

“Would you like to discuss what’s been happening?” she asks in a sing-song voice. I shake my head.

“Okay, when you’re ready,” she says and looks back down to the paper and starts writing.

“Can I leave?” I ask, she nods and I rub at my wrist.

“You’re not a prisoner here, Christina. All we want to do is help you with your loss,” she says, looking down at my wrist.

“What do you know of loss?” I snap at her.

“Quite a lot actually. You’d be surprised,” she fires back at me immediately. “How about you go and have lunch, meet some people and have some interaction?” she suggests when I don’t reply.

I leave her office, not saying a word. When I get to the cafeteria area, some people look up and stare at me. I’m in a white gown, my hair is probably a mess and I have bandages covering my wrists. I go to touch my hair and when I run my fingers through it, it hurts. It’s all knots.

“I was wondering when I’d get to see you,” a bubbly little blonde says to me. “I hear you crying at night. You must be in pain,” she says, her smile dropping. “I’m in the room next to you. I tried to kill my boyfriend though he deserved it for cheating on me,” she says, then grabs hold of my hand and drags me to the line for food. I pull back and she smiles and passes me a plate. I take it and look at the food. Nothing looks good at all, so I end up grabbing a bread roll.

“You ain't hungry?” she asks as I sit next to her. I shake my head at her.

“Who do you cry for?” she asks, shoveling pasta into her mouth. I look at her and think she’s bold. Who is she to ask these questions? She’s probably crazy.

“I hear a name sometimes, but I can never make it out. Oh, and who is that pretty brown-haired lady that comes to visit you? I like her.” I shrug my shoulders at her. “Oh look, she’s here now. Can you introduce me?” she asks, sounding hopeful. I squeeze my eyebrows together and turn to see Hillary standing at the entrance looking in at me. I get up and make my way to her. She smiles with sad eyes when she sees me.

“CJ,” she says and leans in to hug me, but I don’t hug her back.

“Why am I here, Hillary?” I ask and she looks like she’s about to cry.

“You were bad, CJ. I didn’t know what to do, so I called in a few favors,” she says referring to the hospital. Her father probably runs it.

“Why was I bad?”

“You didn’t stop drinking. You were hurt. You wouldn’t go and see him anymore and instead you started to hurt yourself,” she says, her gaze on the floor.

“Sometimes people break, Hillary, but that’s no excuse to lock them up. Support would’ve been good!” I basically scream at her.

“How much more could I support you? I cleaned you up every time you went on a bender. I fed you. I even washed you. I didn’t know what else to do. You were going down fast, I needed to do something!” she screams back at me.

“I want to go home, back to the way things were,” I say, crying now. “How long has it been?” I ask her.

“Two months,” she whispers.

“How do I not remember?” I ask her.

“There’s a medical term for it, I think it’s like PTSD or something.” She half-smiles at me.

“I want to come home Hillary, take me home, please,” I plead with her.

“Okay, as long as you agree to take your medication. I can’t do that again, CJ. It hurts too much,” she says, leaning in to hug me. I nod my head and we both start crying.

“How is he?” I ask her, she knows who I’m referring to.

“I think it’s best we just go there, CJ. You need to see for yourself.” I walk to my room and she follows. I grab the clothes that are there for me and place them on. She passes me a brush and I try to get it through my hair though it’s hurting my wrist with each stroke I take. She takes it from me and starts brushing my hair for me.

“How is Tick?” I ask, wanting to listen to her speak.

“He’s good, we broke up though,” she says and I hear the sadness in her voice. I spin around to her. “Why?” I ask.

“I wouldn’t let him meet my parents and he asked why. I told him the truth that they wouldn’t approve of him so you can imagine how well that went down.” I turn back around and she continues to brush.

“Don’t lose him, Hillary. It’s something that could destroy you,” I say to her softly.

“I think a part of it already has, CJ,” she whispers. “I’m glad to have you back though, I’ve missed you so much.” I turn to her and take her into my arms.

“I’ve missed you, too. Thanks for looking after me.”

“Anytime,” she says and we both leave, with a little weight lifted from each of our shoulders.

My heart is racing. I try to contain it, I really do, though it’s impossible. Since the hospital is voluntary stay, and Hillary’s dad checked me in, I can leave with the promise to take my medication. I will be fine, I will beat this.

I remember pieces of my black out. I remember drinking to hide the pain, to make it go away. I didn’t want to feel. Then, when that stopped working, I tried to kill myself to destroy the pain that was there. I felt like I had too much loss, too much for me to handle. I stopped dreaming, stopped focusing on any of the good in my life and tried to end it. It didn’t work though, now I can see Kyrone and see what has happened to him. I feel selfish. Selfish that I left him and selfish that I doubted him. I feel terrible that so many years were spent apart when it was years that could have made us both happy.

Hillary tells me before we leave the hospital that when he woke up, his first words were my name. He wanted me, needed me, and I was nowhere to be found. It breaks my heart all over again that I wasn’t there to support him and be there for him in his time of need. I don’t know if I would have been able to handle it though because my life was broken, I was broken. Sometimes it takes a while to stand back on your own two feet. It’s just sad that I put Hillary in a position to deal with that.

“How did I get there, Hillary?” I ask, not having much memory of it.

“I found you, CJ, in the shower, naked and bleeding. It was worse than any of the benders you went on. This time there was so much blood, it was everywhere. Tick was there and he scooped you up and wrapped your hands up with towels. I just stood there immobile. He was great,” she says sobbing, tears streaming down her face.

“You had a razor blade and your face was wet, either with tears or the water. I think it was tears, you cried a lot. I would hear you at night, screaming from your bedroom. I would run in to hold you and you were always in the same position, clutching your belly, holding it so tight you started to bruise yourself.” She wipes away her last tear and looks up at me.

“I had no choice, I had to do what was best for you. Dad runs that hospital. He said since you had no next of kin and I lived with you, I could check you in, though you could leave when you wanted. I just hoped you would be there longer, you needed to heal.” I nod my head and start to cry, understanding now what I put her through and how hard it would have been for her.

“I’m not better, Hillary. I’m not going to lie and say I am,” I wheeze out, trying to calm myself. “I want to try, I really want to try. This isn’t me, I don’t break. I always thought I was stronger. I guess everyone has a breaking point though, and the last loss for me was that point,” I say.

“Kyrone’s mother rang me every week, wanting to see how you were, where you were. Sometimes I lied to her, sometimes I spoke the truth. She cares for you.”

I don’t respond. I didn’t speak much to Michelle. I know she cared, she saw how I broke, she saw how much I loved her son. I remember her hand across her mouth when they said I was pregnant.

“CJ, I know it’s not something you want to talk about, but maybe it might be good to talk about the baby,” she says ever so softly, choosing her words carefully.

“I will, I think I will. When I am ready, but I think it needs to be with him first.”

“Yes, that’s good CJ,” she says as we walk to her car.

“Is he… is he still in the hospital?” I ask.

“I’m not sure. He wanted to leave as soon as he was awake, but he wasn’t allowed. He called your phone and left so many messages. I didn’t listen to them, I think you should in your own time. I think it broke him that you weren’t there. He knew though that it was hard for you. I never went into detail, that’s not my place to. He just asked me to keep him updated, since he couldn’t leave the hospital.” She opens the door for me and I climb in, looking up at her.

“You’re an incredible friend, Hillary,” I tell her truthfully. She smiles at me. “That was a lot to handle. Me, I mean,” I say softly to her.

“I would handle you any day. You’re worth it, CJ,” she says and leans down to kiss my cheek. I pull her in and hug her tight. She walks to her side and climbs in. I change the subject, too much heavy information for the day so far.

“How is Katrina?” I ask.

“She’s good, she just had the baby. You should have seen her when she had to change the diaper! That girl is not cut out for that. Her husband realized and hired a nanny. It’s so funny, she insists she can do it, but she just gags every time,” she tells me with a smile on her face. I try to smile for her. I do, I really do, though I can’t. Baby thoughts are not what I need right now.

“Fuck, sorry!” she says, and I smile at the naughty words leaving her mouth.

“You need to work it out with Tick, Hillary. He loves you,” I tell her.

“And I love him. I’m coming to realize that, no matter how much I love my family. I need to do what’s best for me and
he
is what’s best for me,” she says, smiling at the thought of him.

“You do and if he is it? Fight for it, keep it.”

I wake up with pain, pain everywhere. I can’t move, my body feels like it’s weighted to the bed. I look to my left and see my mother sitting in the chair asleep, I look to my right and see my father doing the same. I move and make a noise, my father opens his eyes and comes to my side with a cup of water. I try to speak again, and my mouth and throat hurts. “Christina?” I manage to say, my mother comes to stand beside me. She grabs hold of my hand and gives a light squeeze, but she looks sad.
I wonder if she has met her yet?
I bet she loves her, she is impossible not to love. Her smile stops heartbeats, her crazy hair matches her personality when you get her riled up.