Anywhere (BBW Romance) (5 page)

For the first time, Ram’s expression neutralized, and somehow that was worse. He closed his eyes and took a few breaths before refocusing on me. His eyes glistened as he reached for me. He curled his palms around my cheeks. “I am so sorry,
Ari.
” I heard the sincerity, the upset in his voice. He’d never been a cold, heartless man. “Come.” He led me to the sofa and settled me there. He disappeared down the hall for a minute. When he returned, he had a metal first air kit in his hand.

He sat on the edge of the sofa beside me. Gently, patiently, he meticulously cleaned and cared for my injury. He was so careful, doing his best not to hurt me further. His attention flickered between my face and my arm; he was watching for any signs of discomfort from his actions. Once my arm was cleaned
, coated in ointment and wrapped, he closed the case and set it aside. He met my gaze for a brief moment before he adjusted the robe to cover me again. “You are not running, but you are afraid of me now. I see it in your eyes.”

“I know you won’t hurt me, but-” I shook my head negatively, turning my face up to the ceiling. My throat constricted as fresh tears gathered. I swallowed hard, flinching as soreness slapped my bruised flesh. I’d forgotten about the
handprint, as it didn’t compare to a burning graze from a bullet.

Cupping my head, Ram leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I would never hurt you,
aşkım
. Never.”

Without meeting his gaze I knew he told the truth. I never believed he would. “Who were those men, Rahmi?”

“I will tell you everything, but first.” He captured my lips. His caress was passionate, yet tender, as if he were kissing precious glass capable of shattering. He glided his tongue along my lips, pleading for entry.

I could never deny him. My body knew him, still wanted him. I melted into his embrace each time, this one included. I placed my left hand flat on his chest, over his tattered layers, as he leaned into me, deepening our lip lock.

Heat slid through me. My heart beat a fraction faster as emotions welled. I didn’t know if he was saying hello or good-bye. I didn’t know if this was the end or a new beginning, and, for once, I didn’t know which I preferred with him. My mind, the logical part of me said, after this morning, it was time to move on, that no man was worth losing my life for; my heart, the emotional and romantic part of me said, after this morning, after facing death, I needed to pursue my dreams, pursue love and happiness, all of which I had with Ram. I loved him, and that’s what divided me.

He backed away with several soft brushes of his lips to mine. “I love you, Aeren. I love you.” He tightened his grip on me, seemingly in desperation based on the edge of it in his voice. “Know that as I tell you the truth. I never wanted this to happen. I wanted only to protect you, okay?”

I stiffened, a chill chasing down my spine. My heart rejoiced, but my mind overruled my heart’s desire. Sitting back, I waited for the best moment of my life to be ruined. He’d told me he loved me, but followed it by something that overshadowed its beauty: the truth. After five years, I was finally going to learn the truth about the man I loved. The truth didn’t always set you free, though.

Chapter Nine

Rahmi

My truth was certain to contradict my love for her.

Standing, I put several feet between us. She would need space once I told her.

Fuck.
After five years of loving her curves safely, it was time to take away the net. I never thought I would have to tell her under these circumstances. I was a fool for that.

Rage burned its way through my veins. I would exact revenge for what Jorin and his men did to her.
They could not hurt what was mine and not expect retaliation.

I studied her. The water pulled her long hair straight; it did not allow her to hide. Shadows danced in her gaze, a gaze that never faltered from me. There was a frailty to her. She was a big woman with many curves, but they did not make her stronger. They only added to her beauty. She assumed she had a body of flaws, but she would always be perfect to me. Seeing her smile was like seeing a bit of her radiant soul; I could never look away when she was happy.

She was not smiling now. She looked small and broken, because of me. She was hurt because of me, and I would never forgive myself for that.

“For seven years I though
t I was working for the Turkish government. Jorin Asker was the man who recruited me, and he was the man who you met today, the one who hurt you.” I could not keep the scowl from my face as I looked at her neck again. “I killed for him,
Ari.
” I met her stare, waiting for my sin to register.

She tensed.
She frowned, confusion crinkling her brows as she dropped her gape to the floor.

A new anger rushed me.
I was going to kill Jorin. Death would be kindness for the bastard, but salvation and assurance for
Ari
and me.

When she lifted her head, a mask hid her thoughts from me. I knew I did not deserve them, but I still mourned the loss of them. She had always been open and welcoming. It hurt to lose that part of her.

“Jorin sent me to kill an American man named Samuel Baker. He told me Sam was behind the bomb that murdered my parents and brothers. That same bomb killed more than fifty people in my country.”

Her eyes softened. “You never told me. I’m sorry, Ram.” Her voice was a knife to my wounded heart. Even in her fear she reached out and gave me comfort and love, things I did not deserve.

“Jorin lied. Usually I did not ask questions. Usually I did as I was told, thinking that was how the government worked. I did not know I had a choice, but that does not excuse my actions.” I stuffed my hands into my pant pockets. “Sam was different than my other targets. He approached me, and it was he who exposed Jorin’s lies.

“
Jorin is part of a large terrorist network. He never worked for the Turkish government. I had been stupid and blind to the truth for years.” Fury had my hands curling into fists. Still today I kick myself for my idiocy, for my ignorant faith. “Some of the men I had killed for Jorin were bad, but most had been good. I stole good fathers and brothers from innocent people, the way mine were taken from me. I was a horrible person,
Ari.
” I could not speak nicely; my anger was raw, heightening the growl in my voice.

She said nothing. She remained focused on me, on my words, but said nothing.

What was she thinking? I craved her truth, whether good or bad. I needed to know what she thought of me.

Taking a breath that did nothing to calm me, I continued. “Sam works for the American C.I.A.
He brought me in. I obtained a work visa and became a C.I.A. agent on the same day a few weeks later. They had me lie to Jorin and tell him I had killed Sam. For two more years I worked for Jorin, telling the C.I.A. everything he wanted me to do. Together we protected the good targets, but one of Jorin’s men saw a man I was supposed to have killed months ago. The truth came out and Jorin put a price on my head. The C.I.A. put me on a deep cover mission in South America to hide me and keep me working at the same time. For nearly three years I followed one of the leaders of a drug cartel. He was who brought me to Miami that weekend, and to you.”

I shifted, checking her expression, seeking any sort of reaction. Alas, I got nothing from her. It seemed the student had become the master.

“Jorin had stopped looking for me, but he is not my only enemy and I did not want to risk you getting hurt. Sam is my handler; I report to him. I trust him. He is the only one who knows about you, but he would never betray me. We think one of Jorin’s men saw us together on one of our visits.” It suddenly felt like my suit was suffocating me. I tugged at the top buttons, yanking the collar away from me.

Running my fingers through my hair, I looked at her. She was innocent. She was never supposed to be in the crosshairs. “I am the reason you are hurt,
Ari.
” My chest tightened. Each breath ached. The truth hurt. It was my fault.

I wanted her anger, her hatred. I wanted her to yell at me, to throw punches. I deserved it. I had failed her. I was careless. She could have died because I was too enamored, too selfish to walk away from her.

Again, she said nothing. She watched me, but revealed nothing.

Anxiety had my flesh tingling. I nee
ded to do something. I needed her to say something. “Shout at me. Curse me. Banish me,
aşkım!
”

Finally she cracked. Her features twisted in anguish, crushing my heart. Tears wet her eyes. “I can’t.” Her voice was a whisper, a broken admission.

The same tears trickled down her round cheeks, and I could not stay away. Going to her, I pulled her up into my arms. My muscles flexed around her. I could no longer be gentle. I caused this.

She shook in my arms. “I want to be mad, but I can’t be. I love you too much. Dammit, Rahmi!” She buried her face in my chest.

I cradled her tightly. I relished her touch, her sweet curves against me. It had been hell keeping this from her, but it had been a worse hell not loving her the way I longed to. I wanted to show her how much she meant to me every time I saw her. Even now, my cock roused, wanting to know her thoroughly, wanting to love her with all of me.

We stood together for a long while. It took a long while for her to calm down and to stop trembling.

She leaned back, swiping at her cheeks. She smiled a little, easing my burden for one brief moment. Her eyes and nose were red. Even in the midst of despair, she was beautiful. “I love the house.”

“It is yours, no strings. I will leave if you want.”

She studied me. “How long did it take you?” She lightly nibbled her plump bottom lip.

“Four years.” I had known I could not live without her for that long.

“And that’s why I can’t hate you. You worked for four years to give me this. Before today, I knew you cared about me, but this-” Her teeth pressed harder into her lip, like she was working to control some emotion. “That level of love and dedication doesn’t deserve anger.”

“You could have died,
Ari
.” Bitterness sharpened my tone. A fresh wave of hatred washed over me. I would never forgive Jorin.

“I know.” Her
gaze turned thoughtful. “But I didn’t.”

The need to protect her had always been in me, long before I loved her. She could banish me from her life today, but I would always keep her safe from a distance. “My heart is in your hands,
aşkım.
It has been yours for a long time. I will love you no matter what you do with it.”

Dammit. I could not change what was done. I could not erase my mistakes.

The first day I met
Ari
in Miami, I was attracted to her curves. It had been a bit since I had satiated my physical needs, and she appeared to be the perfect candidate: a woman who could be discreet. She dressed in black, covered herself to not stand out. She wanted to be forgotten in the background.

When she declined my drink, I was taken aback. Few women had refused me. When I spoke with her though, I found myself making an offer I never intended to. I never planned to take her to dinner, or to spend the weekend with her instead of tailing my target. I never expected to take a liking to her so quickly that I could not bring myself to disrespect her with a cheap tryst. There was something about her. I could have easily chosen another woman after she turned me down, but I wanted her. I ha
ve always wanted her.

She
watched me for a torturous amount of time before asking, “What if I want to keep it?”

I stifled the hope that surged inside me. “I would be the happiest man alive.” I cupped her face. “I love you, Aeren, but you owe me nothing.” I did not want her decision made out of
a false sense of obligation for the house.

She grabbed my
right wrist with her left hand, content to hold it. “I love you, Rahmi, but you owe me nothing.” There came her sharp tongue, throwing my words back at me.

“You almost lost your life for me, so I owe you everything.” This was a mistake Samuel and I would never forget. I prided myself on my skills of elusiveness, discretion, and obscurity. Jorin never caught me; one of his men caught a past target. My record was solid until now.

She swallowed hard, wincing. She tried so hard to hide her discomfort from me. “I’ve only ever wanted one thing, Ram.”

“Anything.” I waited with baited breath. I would give her everything I could. She was blind to her own worth, to her beauty and all of her wonderful qualities. The size of her clothes was appealing to me, but the size of her heart made her invaluable to me.

“You.”

My heart stopped for several beats. I looked into her depths, certain she had misspoken.

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Ram. I don’t care what you did in the past. The only thing that matters is how you make me feel. You’ve never hurt me. You’ve always treated me with respect. You make me feel special. I don’t feel like a nobody who can’t figure out her life with you. You make me feel like I have purpose. I feel like I can do anything with you by my side. Maybe it’s not healthy, but you’re my security blanket, and I don’t ever want to let you go.”