Are We Live? (17 page)

  There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

  [To the host] You’re glib. You don’t even know what Ritalin is.

Stick to making films, Tom!

In December 1976, the Sex Pistols made a now infamous appearance on Bill Grundy’s magazine show. And what a strange beast it was – as belligerent as the Pistols’ behaviour was, it’s hard not to feel more blame lies with veteran broadcaster Bill Grundy. He wanted them to drop the f-bomb; he seemed to
goad
them.

Grundy:
  Now I want to know, are you serious about what you’re doing?

Glen Matlock
[bassist]
:
  Oh, yeah.

Grundy:
  Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Brahms …

Johnny Rotten
[singer]
:
  They’re all heroes of ours, ain’t they? [sarcastically] They’re
wonderful
people
.
They really turn us on.

Grundy:
  Well suppose they turn other people on?

Rotten
[quietly]
:
  That’s just their tough shit.

Grundy:
  It’s what?

Rotten:
  Nothing. A rude word. Next question.

Grundy:
  No, no, what was the rude word?

Rotten:
  Shit.

Grundy:
  Was it really? Good heavens, you frighten me to death. What about you girls, behind?

Matlock:
  He’s like your dad, ain’t he, this geezer? …Or your grandad.

Grundy
[to Siouxsie Sioux]
:
  Are you worried, or are you just enjoying yourself?

Siouxsie Sioux:
  Enjoying myself …I’ve always wanted to meet you.

Grundy:
  We’ll meet afterwards, shall we?

Steve Jones
[guitarist]
:
  You dirty sod. You dirty old man!

Grundy:
  Well keep going, chief, keep going. Go on, you’ve got another five seconds. Say something outrageous.

Jones:
  You dirty bastard!

Grundy:
  Go on, again.

Jones:
  You dirty fucker!

Grundy:
  What a clever boy!

Jones:
  What a fucking rotter.

Poor Guy Goma. All he did on 8 May 2006 was turn up on time to a job interview at BBC Television Centre. The last thing the IT specialist expected was to be picked up mistakenly from reception by a member of the BBC News 24 production team, who should have in fact collected Guy Kewney, a respected technology journalist who was due to talk on air about online music piracy. Guy Goma duly appeared on screen, and, ever the sport, ably mucked in and tried to answer anchor Karen Bowerman’s questions, even though they’d, quite literally, got the wrong Guy.

Bowerman:
  Well, Guy Kewney is editor of the technology website News Wireless. [Camera flashes to Guy, whose face wears a look of confusion and horror.] Hello, good morning to you.

Goma:
  Uh, good morning?

Bowerman:
  Were you surprised by this verdict today?

Goma:
  I am very surprised to see this verdict because I was not expecting that. When I came, they told me, ‘You’ve got an interview’ and that’s all. So it’s a big surprise.

Bowerman:
  With regards to the costs involved, do you think now more people will be downloading online?

Goma:
  Actually, you’re going to see a lot of people downloading from the Internet. But I think it is much better for the development to inform people what they want.

Bowerman:
  This does really seem to be the way the music industry’s progressing now, that people want to go onto the website and download music.

Goma:
  Exactly. It is going to be an easy way for everyone to get something from the Internet.

Bowerman:
  Guy Kewney, thanks very much indeed.

In 2007, while being interviewed in the player tunnel after a victorious match against West Bromwich Albion, Stephen Bywater – serial-TV-prankster (he once spelled out the c-word on live TV) and former goal-keeper for Derby County – was attacked from all angles by his fellow players.

Heroically maintaining his decorum as he responded to the interviewer’s questions, Stephen was targeted with a series of pranks, including having his shirt pulled over his head, his hair ruffled, a kiss planted on his cheek, hands in his face, and, finally, talcum powder rubbed into his face.

People – presenters and guests included – should of course be on their best behaviour when appearing on live TV. But it seems the bright lights and certain tensions bubbling under the surface can sometimes lead to explosive on-screen encounters …

In 1982, comedian Andy Kaufman and wrestler Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler’s appearance on
Late Night with David Letterman
ended in tears. Specifically Kaufman’s. Kaufman was asked by Letterman if the public feud between the two men was genuine, after they had fought a wrestling bout that appeared to have left Kaufman in a neck brace – which he was still sporting.

Lawler immediately retorted with, ‘No, not at all. I couldn’t warm up to this guy if we were cremated together. No. Matter of fact, he is a wimp.’ After a brief and heated exchange between the two men, Lawler stood up, hoicked up his waistband and backhanded Kaufman right across the head. The house band began to play, the show cut to a quick break, but events didn’t end there …

After the break, Kaufman reappearsed onstage and, from behind the safety of Letterman’s desk, let rip at Lawler:

‘I am sick of this bullSHIT! You are full of bullshit, my friend! I will sue you for everything you have! I will sue your ass! You’re a motherfucking ASSHOLE! You hear me! A fucking asshole! FUCK YOU! I will get you for this! …I am sorry! I am sorry to use those words on television! I apologize. But you, you’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE! [Jumps up and down.] A FUCKING ASSHOLE! You HEAR ME?! A FUCKING ASSHOLE!

He then grabbed Letterman’s coffee from his desk and threw it over Lawler, who leaped out of his chair. Kaufman, quite wisely, made a very quick exit.

Politicians, it seems, fair no better in the on-screen spat stakes.

Verbal clashes on news programmes
have nothing on the fracas that occurred live on Lebanese television in November 2011. During a debate between the leader of the Ba’ath Party, Fayez Shukur, and ex-MP Mustafa Alloush, what began as a heated debate between political rivals quickly turned nasty – with Alloush calling Shukur a ‘tyrant’, ‘criminal’ and ‘liar’.