Arizona Allspice (50 page)

“Okay. I have to be serious now. I gotta go in and see my dad.”

Joey looks behind me at the window to the patient recreation room. He returns his stunning blue eyes to mine and he gives me a small smile. I can tell he’s apprehensive, but he wants me to be strong.

“I’ll be right here if you need me,” he says.   

Fear begins to rise inside of me. I give Joey a warm hug to calm myself before I leave. As I walk into the recreation room, I wonder about how natural it was for me to be close to Joey. Past silent patients frozen in their own minds, others making a chorus of pained moans, and others who seem like today is one of their good days, I see my Dad sitting at a table by himself. He doesn’t look like he is having one of his good days. He’s slouched over and his knee is bouncing nervously. The doctor said Dad had been asking for me all day. He wants to see me. I smile.
“Hi, Daddy.
I’m here,” my voice trembles. He stands up from the table and hugs me. I hug him back for a long time, so relieved that he welcomes my visit, but when we pull away from each other his brows are furrowed with concern.

 “What are you doing, sweetheart?”

“I heard from the doctor that you were asking for me. I thought maybe you wanted to see me.”

He shakes his head. “What are you doing with that boy?”

The nurse arrives to escort us to the visiting room. “I’ll explain in a minute, Daddy,” I answer meekly.

“Joey and I are just friends,” I explain once we are seated on the loveseat.

“I saw you in the hall, all over each other. Are you calling me stupid?”

I’m suddenly ashamed of myself for being so inappropriate with Joey right in front of my father. “We were joking around out there. I’m sorry. That was disrespectful of me.”

“I’ve never liked that kid. The way he always looks at you like you’re his possession. I thought you had more dignity than that. Your mother and I are very disappointed.”

I guess he’s been “talking” to Mom again. Though I know it’s not really Mom that he’s talking to, it still hurts to hear those words.

“This was all part of his plan to get you alone. I always knew he was up to no good. Now he has you cornered. No parents, no siblings.
Just you and him.
You and him.
You’re not wearing your glasses, but don’t be blind. Don’t be ignorant, Elaine,” he urges passionately.  He turns his head and stares wide-eyed at the vacant spot beside him. “She is not a whore!” he screams at nothing. “She’s my baby. She’s just making a big mistake.
Big mistake.
A big mistake.”

I dig my fingernails into my palms. I am completely tense with anxiety. This is the worst I’ve ever seen him hallucinate. He asked to be in this hospital, but it doesn’t seem like he’s improving. All the disturbing Hollywood portrayals of mental hospitals spilled into my mind.

“Has anybody hurt you?” I whisper to Dad.

Silence.
He peers past me, mute. The couch shakes as his nervous motions quicken. His knee shimmies from side to side. He taps the top of the couch methodically with his fingers.

“Dad?”
I struggle to keep my voice from breaking into a thousand inaudible pieces. “Have they ever put their hands on you?”

My will to be composed collapses as I watch tears trickle down my father’s tired face. “They didn’t put their hands on me. Demons don’t have to touch you to hurt you. They just make pawns of your loved ones and make you sit back and watch.”

“Manny and I are fine, Daddy,” I sputter. “I miss you, but you asked me to let you stay here.”

“Take me out of here, Elaine. That Dr.
Agneau
is up to something. The way he smiles at me with his golden eyes. He has the eyes of a snake.
The Serpent.
Always watching and listening.” He stands up from the couch and snatches the potted silk flowers off of the end table. He strangles the bouquet and shreds the pink rose petals away from the stems. The soft petals flutter to the ground, and one of Joey’s poems plays in my mind like background music.  

 “I can’t have a moment of peace with my family because of constant surveillance! Damn you!” Dad screams. He plucks the block of gray floral foam from the plastic pot and pulverizes the foam in his hands, searching for cameras, wires, recording devices. Then two large hospital workers march into the visiting rooms. I want to scream, but I can only tremble in my seat as I watch my father being strong armed by the male hospital workers in white uniforms. I try to stay sane in the insanity. If I scream and kick at the workers like I want to, they might have to take me away, too. 

“Laney!” he hollers as they restrain him and drag him away from me. Furious, Daddy tries to sink his teeth into the arm of the nurse. The hospital worker reacts swiftly. He grasps Dad’s chin roughly and pushes his head up and away from his arm. After struggling as much as he could, Dad gives up and goes completely limp in the sturdy arms of the two guards and melts to the floor.

One man takes his legs and the other his arms and carries my father who begins moaning, “
Noooo
! I want to go
hooome
!”

******

“Whoa, Elaine.
Calm down. What happened?”

“I have to get him out of here right now!”

“
Shhh
. Laney, talk to me,” Joey rubs my shoulders.

 “He wasn’t this bad when he was home. He’s never looked so tormented, Joey. Instead of letting him cool off, the guards came in and wrestled him until he gave up fighting.” I close my eyes to control my crying. Joey’s warm hands glide up and down the length of my
bare
arms. It soothes me. I roughly wipe the tears from my face with my hands and wipe them dry on my jeans. I take Joey’s hand. “Come on. Let’s go talk to someone and get him released.”

“Wait. I think we should discuss this. “

“We?
He’s my father, not yours.”

“He’s better off here where trained professionals can handle him. You’re not as strong as two men, Elaine.”

“You don’t physically abuse someone for being sick!”

“They didn’t abuse him. They restrained him. You want to live with the threat of your dad’s behavior looming over you, day in and day out?”

“My mother didn’t throw him away when she was scared. That’s what you want me to do?”

His gaze is serious. “Elaine, I am begging you not to bring him home.”

“He’s coming home.”

 “If he comes back,” his voice is stern with anger, “then I’ll stop coming around.”

“What?” I can’t believe he’s giving me an ultimatum. I’m supposed to choose him over my own father? As muddled as my father’s mind can be, his warnings were clear and true: Being so close to Joey was a big mistake. I allowed myself to become too trustworthy of him. I let go of Joey’s hand and step away from him. He shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets. His disappointed blue eyes burn into me in anticipation of what I’ll say next.

 “My dad needs to come home. Are you going to help me or not?” I give him one more chance to support me.

He stands his ground. “I’ll be outside,” he says. He walks away from me down the long hallway.

However beautiful the rose may be,

The severed petals scattered on the floor,

They cannot reattach like once before.

******

 She was never more beautiful. Watching her
charm
everyone and dance with
Niko
and Cesar was mesmerizing. She danced with me. She opened up, her warmth came through, and I was so happy that she was happy. The night of Cesar’s party and the few days that followed it held so many moments in which I had to talk myself down from flat out kissing her. I didn’t know that I could feel any stronger about her, but I did in that short weekend. She was so close. She was so close to taking one more step in my direction. Then it all blew up in my face.

The hospital refused to release Mr. Roberts to her because he was in the midst of a psychotic episode, but firstly because he and Elaine had previously signed an agreement that he remain there for at least 4 weeks. “You win,” she said to me when she walked out of the mental hospital. Elaine wouldn’t let me come near her. I couldn’t touch her. She didn’t meet my gaze. I tried to explain myself on the way home. She cut me off and said, “I want to be alone right now,” even though we had a half hour more of driving to go. She cried the entire ride home. I sat helplessly in the passenger seat, my heart tortured by the sound of every sniffle she made.  

I gave her time to be alone and called her later that night. I called hoping our friendship could get back on track, not expecting her to agree. I was surprised she picked up the phone. I was elated when she listened to my explanation and accepted my apology. The only reason I’d given her an ultimatum was because I was afraid. I didn’t know what could happen to her if her dad was living with her again. I just wanted her to be safe. She consented to spending time with me the next day and I thanked God. But when I went over to her house the next afternoon, she wasn’t who I had been praying for.

The old Elaine met me at the door. She was wearing those stupid glasses. I never realized how much I hated those glasses until now. She steps away from me when I near her. She stifles her smiles. She’s sarcastic and pessimistic. Our conversations are superficial. I’m her acquaintance now, not her best friend. When I spend time with her it’s like a doctor’s visit. I step into her office, not her home. It’s cold. There’s a barrier to protect her from…from me. She’s protecting herself from me. It hurts to know that. 

When I’m away from her, I miss her. I’m restless. I go back to her time and time again only to find that the Elaine I am yearning for is not there. I’m so pissed off I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m mad at both of us. I still love her. That will never change, but I’ve gotten a taste of the true Elaine I’ve always known was inside. I can’t just return to having a brick wall that I have to chip and chisel at it for hours just to get a glimpse of the sweet girl that she really is.

She’s punishing me. She goes with me to all the places we used to go, with all the friends we usually hang out with, but treats me like she did in high school; like I’m stupid, immature, annoying and intrusive. She does it so slyly that everyone thinks she’s joking. Then I seem like I’m overreacting if I get mad. She is punishing me for wanting to protect her from her father. Is this how it’s going to be from now on? She can’t do this to me. She’s pushing me to my limit. She’s pushing me to my dark, angry side. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be the me who
is
totally at peace with the world when she’s by my side. So, if this is my punishment, I want to know if and when my punishment will be over. And I have to know that the relationship that’s waiting for me afterwards will be worth this pain.

******

I didn’t read the first letter until two days after it came. I was afraid it was a letter begging me to get him out of the hospital; something I couldn’t do and didn’t want to be reminded of. Two more letters arrived from the Palo Verde Mental Hospital before I could open the first one. The three letters piled up on the kitchen counter until my nerves couldn’t handle the guilt any longer. I tore them open and found each letter to be relatively the same: A father’s concerns for his daughter’s heart and mind.