Arrhythmia (28 page)

I didn’t answer. I simply couldn’t figure out why Desiderio looked so bad. After all, he had cheated on me, not the other way around. So why was he so unhappy? All the pieces didn’t fit together.

Maybe he really did have genuine feelings for me?

Or was I trying to convince myself just so I could fall asleep next to him again?

All these questions weighed heavily on me and confused me. I just didn’t know anymore what was right and what was wrong.

Chapter 33

I arrived for the late shift on Monday completely exhausted. I was lucky that I was scheduled to work with Lisa because, looking the way I did, I would not have been able to withstand Sandra’s psychoanalytical looks.

Lisa was different. She had undoubtedly been informed about the latest events in my life, be it the attack or the fling with Desiderio, but she was of the opinion that if I wanted to talk about my problems, I would bring them up.

I was also lucky that Desiderio was very busy in the ward, a fact I was able to discern from a conversation between Heimer and Reinmann. So there seemed to be little chance of my running into him in the ER today.

Although I was really trying my best to do good work, Heimer kept giving me his skeptical frown because I was constantly forgetting some minor detail or staring vacantly out the window. This was unusual for me, so the attending physician spared me any reprimands. He was probably aware that they wouldn’t do any good anyway.

The clock already showed four fifteen, meaning that I could probably relax. Desiderio had surely gone home, and I no longer had to fret about running into him.

Yet I was still plagued by an internal disquiet.

I was preparing a procedure in treatment room one when Lisa shyly tapped me on the shoulder. “Uh, Lena?”

“Hm?”

She handed me a white envelope. “Desiderio just left this for you.”

I stared at the envelope. “Excuse me?”

“A letter for you. From Desiderio,” she repeated slowly as though I were slow on the uptake.

I hesitantly extended my hand and accepted the envelope while still staring at it.

Lisa cleared her throat audibly. “Well, go on. Get out of here. I’ll finish prepping this for you.”

I gave her a questioning look.

“I want you to read the letter,” she demanded quite a bit louder than usual.

I left the room a little startled and locked myself in the restroom.

The white envelope seemed ominous. I knew that the words it contained would completely throw me off course. I just didn’t know in which direction.

It would probably be better not to open it in the first place. I should throw it in the shredder unopened. That was precisely what I should do.

Open the envelope already, you damn coward!

OK.

I reluctantly followed my inner voice and tore open the envelope with clammy fingers. Simple, white stationery emerged. I recognized Desiderio’s curved, even handwriting.

I closed the toilet lid, sat down, and took a deep breath.

Then I began to read.

For Lena.

As you do not wish to speak to me, I am going to try to reach you in this way. Although I still do not know what has happened between us, I am devastated. When you told me that I had lost you, my world came crashing down around me. In the days when we were together, I was the happiest person on earth. You touched me in a way that no other woman has ever been able to. You are the one. The one who makes me complete. I know that for certain.

Since you left, everything around me is gray. Life is passing by without any regard for me.

Whatever I have done or said, I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, and I especially never wanted to abuse your trust.

My little warrioress, I cannot live without you. I can no longer sleep or eat or even breathe properly. I miss you.

When I saw you with Frank yesterday, it broke my heart in two. Will you give up what was between us so readily? Because it was something real—a real connection, and I am sure that you sensed it as well.

I have known it since the first moment I saw you. That time in front of the ticket shop. Unfortunately, I was much too flustered at the time to ask what your name was.

Then our encounter at Go. When you fell against me, I never wanted to let you go again. Your rejection hurt me deeply then. Do you even know that?

And finally, my first day at work. I am convinced that it was fate that brought us together. I will never forget how you looked at me with a chocolate smudge on your lips. It was clear to me at that moment that I would fight for you.

Yes, during our brief time together, I was the happiest person on earth.

Well, I want you to know this: no matter what you decide, whether you want to be with Frank or with someone totally different—I will accept it. Nothing could be further from my mind than standing in the way of your future.

I love you, Lena. I have always loved you and will always love you.

No matter what direction our lives take in the future.

Desiderio

A single tear dropped heavily onto the sheet of paper. My hands were shaking. My heart was fluttering.

His words had spoken directly to my soul. Desiderio felt the same way I did. He, too, had felt complete only when he was with me.

He loved me.

Could that be?

Did soul mates really exist?

I was finished.

The words seemed so honest, so desperate that I could not help but believe them.

He was worried that I was getting involved with Frank? Is that how it had looked in the café?

I love you, Lena.

But what about the blonde at his house? How did she fit in here?

I sat on the toilet, utterly dumbfounded, and tried to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

He didn’t want to abuse my trust and yet he had, by inviting another woman to his house.

How did all this make sense?

And what was I supposed to do?

I had to speak with him. I needed to clarify things.

Immediately.

I put the letter in my pocket and hurried over to my locker to get my cell phone. I turned it on for the first time in five days. Once the network had reconnected, my phone was overwhelmed with messages and missed calls. Most of them were from Desiderio. I ignored the messages because, at that moment, they were of no importance.

I was determined to confront him immediately.

I feverishly dialed his number. An automated female voice announced, “The person you are trying to reach is currently unavailable.”

Blah, blah, blah.

I hung up. Desiderio didn’t have network access. Or his cell phone was turned off.

Shit.

What now?

Damn it, I didn’t want to wait any longer. I needed to know what he had to say about my accusations. Only then would the words in his letter mean anything.

I dialed his number three more times before giving up in frustration and going to have Hans make more coffee while I strategized.

I didn’t have much of a choice except to wait for my shift to end and drive straight over to Desiderio’s.

That was exactly what I was going to do. I would drive over to him, ring his doorbell, and confront him face-to-face.

It felt really good to have a plan. It offered a look into the future—an uncertain one, to be sure, but all of a sudden, the present didn’t look so bleak anymore.

I eagerly got down to work in order to use the remainder of my shift in a useful way. And also, of course, to earn the salary I was being paid.

The later it got, the more unsettled I became. For the life of me, I couldn’t say why. Somehow, I didn’t get the feeling that it was only related to my plans to drive over to Desiderio’s later that evening.

It was muggy like a summer day just before a violent thunderstorm. The air seemed to flicker around me.

I had a creeping feeling of queasiness.

“Nurse Lena, get the trauma room ready. We have a traffic accident coming in ten minutes,” ordered Heimer as he walked by.

I started the task without further question. I called over to request the anesthesiologist and his nurse assistant, had the CT scanner readied, and informed the lab.

No sooner had I finished my phone calls than the anesthesiologist hurried in. At the same time, the ambulance pulled up. Lisa and Dr. Heimer were standing next to the gurney in focused anticipation. I trotted down the hallway next to the resident physician to meet the EMTs.

They tore into the ER with the typical urgency of a serious accident. From a distance, I could already hear the racing pulse of the injured patient, who was attached to a monitor. The heart rate was far above that of normal excitement; this patient’s circulation was about to fail.

One of the paramedics called out the initial information.

“Traffic accident. Patient was trapped in the vehicle for almost an hour. Stabilized, open fracture of the lower leg with massive loss of blood. Other injuries not clear. When we arrived, he was still responsive and his circulation stable. Just now, he’s starting to lose consciousness and his pressure is sinking.”

That explained the high pulse rate. The heart was trying to compensate for the volume depletion by pumping faster. The patient urgently needed a transfusion.

I held open the door to the trauma room for the group and looked at the patient for the first time. My eyes got wide and the rest of my body froze.

The dark-haired man looked painfully familiar.

“My God,” I heard Heimer call. “Is that DiCastello?”

I reeled and had to steady myself on the doorframe.

Was it possible? Was that really Desiderio or just somebody who looked like him?

The EMT destroyed my hopes. “Yes, he told us he worked here.”

Oh my God.

Completely incapable of forming a clear thought and as if in a trance, I watched the frantic bustle in front of me.

Seven people helped heave Desiderio from the stretcher to our emergency gurney. As the EMTs stepped aside, I was able to see the extent of the injuries.

His cervical spine was being stabilized with a collar that covered most of his face. The visible part was covered in stripes of dried blood that had trickled out of several small wounds presumably caused by a shattered windshield.

Small cuts covered his entire upper body. His shirt had been cut away to allow access to his chest. Distinct bruises caused by the seat belt were already visible.

His left pant leg had been cut open up to the hip. Despite the temporary splint and the thick bandage, an unnatural bulge on his shin showed where part of the bone had broken through the skin.

The frantic beeping of the EKG machine screamed in my ears.

I became ill.

While all the others performed their tasks in a routine manner, all I could do was stand there and try not to faint.

“Dr. DiCastello? Can you hear me?” Graml, the anesthesiologist, said loudly while the resident skillfully found a vein and drew blood.

Desiderio tried several times to open his eyes, but he kept losing consciousness.

“You’re at the hospital,” the anesthesiologist continued, regardless of whether he was being heard or not. “You’ve had an accident. Everything will be all right now. We’re going to take care of you.” He turned to the male nurse. “We need a volume replacement. Give him a liter right away. Then he urgently needs several units of blood.”

Heimer did an ultrasound on Desiderio’s abdomen to check for internal hemorrhages. Meanwhile, he barked terse instructions. “Two units at once, and have another four ready. No indication of a ruptured spleen or the like for the time being. Lisa, let the OR know that as soon as we’re done with the CT, we’ll be over there. Dr. Graml, please go ahead and intubate.”

Lisa pressed the blood samples into my hand while she called the OR team.

I did not react.

She snapped her fingers in front of my face and shouted, “Lena! Pull yourself together and get this to the lab!”

I awoke from my coma only when she gave me a little shove. I ran off at once.

The hallway to the lab seemed twice as long as usual. I flew across the ugly green linoleum floor with long steps and listened to the rhythmic clacking of my soles. There was something soothing about that. Breathless, I reached the lab. The lab technician had been expecting the samples and immediately placed the little plastic tubes into her mysterious machines.

“I need two units in the OR right now,” I said. “And four more at call.”

The technician nodded. “I’ll call with the Hb level as soon as the centrifuge is finished.”

With that, she disappeared to do her work. The way I should have been doing mine. After all, it wasn’t my first time dealing with a seriously injured patient.

But it was the first time that this patient was someone I loved.

Fear and panic welled up in me.

Desiderio could die just from the massive amount of blood he’d lost. That wasn’t even accounting for the fact that he might have suffered a severe head injury that could lead to a brain hemorrhage.

I was completely beside myself as I headed back to the ER.

As I turned the corner, I caught a glimpse of the team wheeling Desiderio into the CT room. By now, he had been anesthetized, and a thick plastic tube attached to a mobile breathing apparatus protruded out of his mouth.

I quickened my pace in order to go into the exam room, but Lisa blocked my path. “No. Not a good idea.”

She slammed the door in my face. I stood rooted to the spot, looking at the wood with its light green lacquer until Dr. Heimer came out.

He gently took my forearm and led me to the outpatient department. Once there, he carefully pressed me into a chair in the kitchen.

“Have a cup of coffee, Lena. I’ll be back as soon as I know something,” he said in a calm tone. He left the room with a compassionate look.

I sat there and looked out the window.

The whole time, I felt like I was trapped in a bad dream. I hoped that I could finally wake up.

That I would wake up, turn over, and find Desiderio lying next to me.

Oh God. He can’t die. No, he just can’t.

After a while, Heimer returned as promised.

“The CT is complete,” he explained in a matter-of-fact tone. “The skull is intact. The fracture of the lower leg is clear. In addition, there is a small crack in the pelvic ring—which is stable, however—and multiple rib fractures on the right. The lungs are well ventilated and intact. He’s being brought into the OR so we can reduce the fracture of the tibia. Don’t worry; he’s young and physically fit. We’ll soon compensate for the loss of blood, and then it will only be a question of time until he is completely recovered.”