As I Am (16 page)

“Ok
ay, okay, okay! How about I pay for your silence with some choice pictures of the Fellows on a romantic getaway to Lake Tahoe?” I click open the file and the first picture of Rick and Mary Fellows and Amy shoves a cookie in my mouth as she scoots me over on the bed and takes my laptop from me.

“Oh. My. God! Is
he wearing gold chains? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Matthew says with a pained look across his face.

“Boy, he rocks that Uncle Creepy look a little too well! But Mrs. Fellows is actually looking pretty hot in that strapless number!” Amy says as we exami
ne a picture of the Fellows at what appears to be a pretty ritzy restaurant. Mrs. Fellows is wearing a red, strapless dress with a full, tea-length skirt and red heels. Mr. Fellows has his arm around her waist and is wearing a suit, no tie, and the top three buttons undone. His chest hair is showing with two gold chains nestled among the wild forest.

We click through the album and the pictures just get worse and worse. There are suspenders, overalls, and, yes, socks with sandals.
“Oh wow! They really are an odd couple, aren’t they?” Matthew declares.

“That’s an understatement!” Amy laughs.

“Yeah, but they’re so perfect together.” I swoon just a little.

“And they’re seriously two of the nicest people ever,” Amy agrees.

“Oh, hey! We gotta go, Amy,” Matthew says, checking his watch. “We told Pete we were just going to bring you a cookie and check up on you. You’re … okay, aren’t you, Kin?” Matthew fixes a wild lock of my hair behind my ear and smiles sweetly at me.

“Yeah. I’m ok
ay. I don’t know if Addy and I are going to get passed all this, but I know that I’m going to be fine,” I tell him, mirroring his smile. “Thanks for coming to check on me, guys. I appreciate it! But now, alas, I have to get back to work. My eyes aren’t totally crossed anymore, so I guess that means break is over!”

We chuckle and say our goodbyes. Amy and Matthew make me promise to come to dinner in the dining hall. I don’t tell them about my argument with Miller, although Amy was there that night and would surely side with him
… and unknowingly already has for the most part. But, despite my fear of seeing him, I promise my friends that I’ll be there.

The door clicks closed behind them and I position myself on my bed with the laptop again, ready to dive into more Camp at Lake Hollis pictures. I’ve really only gotten through a quarter of them. I need to go back to my photo editing program, but I convince myself that checking out a few more pictures of the Fellows won’t hurt. I may even find a great shot of the Grand Canyon!

I finish their vacation photos pretty quickly. I didn’t realize Matthew, Amy and I had gone through so many of them. I
should
close this out completely, but sitting there to the left is the list of album titles. And there it is: Mary’s album full of trips to see her mother. If Mr. Fellows won’t even look in it, I figure that it must be awesome, so I immediately open it. A few photos in and I’m not disappointed. Mrs. Fellows’ family looks as crazy as they do wonderful! There are big hats and big boobs, of which Mrs. Fellows did not inherit. There’s a beer can tower in one corner of the room in one picture, and tea with cucumber sandwiches in another picture. They all look so happy being odd and out of place together.

I envy them. They look like a family that has figured out how to navigate through their differences and love each other for who they are anyway. It’s beautiful, and I would trade my relationship with Addy for this motley crew any day.

I really need to get back to work, but looking through Mrs. Fellows’ pictures stirs something in me. I pull up the album of pictures I’ve taken of the other counselors and find one of Addison. Why can’t we be wonderfully different and be perfectly happy together in that? She’s spent her life trying to change me and I’ve let her. Now that I don’t want that anymore she doesn’t know what to do with me; she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with me if I’m not asking “how high?” every time she tells me to jump. I want to be more than that. I’m not sure how I’ll achieve it, but I’ll get there now that I’m finally starting to see myself.

My friends,
my
friends, from camp are a good place to start. Amy and Matthew, Bridget and Carrie, Dave and Pete … I’ve never felt like I had to be someone else around them. And then there’s Miller. I click through the pictures until I find him. Everything about him is honest, and he’s not afraid of anything. I want to be like that. I want to look at life and not be scared. Miller inspires that in me. He inspires me to look at life in a way I never have before. It’s scary as hell and I know now that’s okay.

I have to tell him, and I have to tell him right now. But I have to do something I should have done weeks ago. I have to break things off with Cal.
After I end things with Cal I have to talk to Miller. I have to apologize, again. I can’t stand the thought of him being angry with me. I want him to look at me with the same eyes he did the morning he took me to watch the sunrise. I want him to forgive me for being so oblivious. I want … him … and I have to tell him that.

I close out the albums and shut down my computer before I pack it up and shove the case under my bed. It’s stopped raining but it’s still muddy out so I throw my rain boots on and make a beeline for the dining hall. I know most of the kids will be there doing indoor activities
with Amy and Tiffany. I’m sure one of them will know where Cal is.

I charge through the camp, not caring how many puddles I stomp into or the mud it flings up at me. I wipe my face more than once of the brown, slimy goo. When I reach the dining
hall I see Amy organizing something on a side table.

“Hey!” I shout to Amy above the pre-pubescent noise. “You’re not here by yourself are you?”

“No, Mrs. Rogers is in the back getting some extra supplies. These kids are going through crafts like it’s the end of the world and a popsicle stick creation is their ticket to Heaven!” Amy laughs.

“Where’s Tiffany? I thought she was scheduled with you,” I ask.

“She went to the admin office to get some printer paper. Some of the kids want to do cut-out snowflakes and Mrs. Rogers says we don’t have enough paper for that here. What’s up? You look like you’re on a mission.”

“Actually
… I was wondering if you knew where Cal was.” Amy’s eyes widen with glee and she hugs me.

“You’re going to do it aren’t you? You’re going to drop his ass!” she cheers a little too loud
ly, causing some young ears around us to perk up. “Oh please! Like you’ve never heard the word ass before! Get back to your crafting!” she laughs.

“Yeah
, I’m going to break things off with him. I just got thinking after you left that if I’m going to … think clearly about anyone else … I had to get rid of anything fogging up my brain. Right?”

“Hell yes! I’m so proud of you! I wish I knew where he was so I could go and watch, but I don’t. Everything is kind of off today
, you know. Maybe try the pavilion?” she offers.

“That sounds good. I’ll go there first. I guess if I had to I could wait until dinner, but I’d rather get it over with now,” I tell her.
I don’t tell her about my encounter with Miller and him telling me he wanted me to choose him over Cal. I don’t know what he’s going to say when I see him. He may be so mad at me that he’s changed his mind.

“I agree! And you should do it fast
, like ripping off a Band-Aid. No! Make it long and drawn out so he stews!”

“You’re getting way too into this, you know that, right?” Amy nods with a huge smile and all I can do is give her a
big hug before I leave the dining hall and walk the path that goes past the lake and leads to the pavilion. There’s a shortcut that would take me past the boys’ cabins and then Mr. and Mrs. Fellows’ cabin: a known, but unmarked path. But with the rain today, I think the safer path is better. Besides, it’ll give me more time to think about what I’m going to say.

What
am
I going to say? I hadn’t gotten that far. All I know is that I have to end this lie with Cal that I’ve been trying to make a truth. I liked things the way they were with us. I hope we can go back to that, but even if they can’t, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be with Cal and there’s no reason to pretend I do.

I’ve just passed the dock and the lake and
I’m about to take the fork in the path that will lead to the pavilion when I see Miller walking toward me. He keeps walking, barely making eye contact as he passes me.

“Hey!” I turn and yell to him. He stops and turns to me
, his expression cold and hard. “I mean … hey.” I lower my voice, not wanting to sound aggressive.

“Shouldn’t you be holed up in your room editing pictures, or sneaking around with your boyfriend?” His tone is dripping with sarcasm and pain. He still won’t look directly at me, which is more painful than anything else for me since Miller is the first person who’s ever really seen me.

“I’ve been editing all day, and I’m actually looking for Cal,” I tell him.

“Well
, I don’t know where he is, so …” Miller begins to turn to walk away from me.

“
You should ask me why I’m looking for him,” I call.

“Why
should I do that?”

“
Because … you just should,” I tell him, unable to explain myself.

Miller shakes his head. “
Kinley, I don’t want to know about anything that has to do with you and Cal.”

“Even if I told you I was breaking things off with him?” I
hold my breath, waiting for some kind of response from Miller. He’s not saying anything and I’m beginning to wonder if I only said what I said in my head.

He takes several steps toward me, stopping an arm’s length away. “
Why? Why are you breaking up with him?” Miller asks me, looking confused and hopeful at the same time.

“I’m not even sure I’m
with
him, but, whatever it is that Cal and I are doing … it’s not what I want … not
who
I want.”

“Kinley
… don’t do this because we had some dramatic conversation in the rain and now you feel sorry for me,” Miller begins.

“Feel sorry for you? Why would I
…”

“I stood there like sad puppy and poured my heart out to you, practically begging you to choose me over him. I put you in a terrible position and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.
But don’t say anything else unless you really mean it.” He looks at me and I see a glimmer of the connection we’ve shared begin to resurface. My heart flips over inside my chest and I breathe a small sigh of relief.

“I’m sorry I was oblivious to what was going on. It never occurred to me that you wanted more
than a friendship.” My efforts at explaining myself have increased slightly and I think I might actually get through this without fumbling again.

“
I should have been honest with you. I knew you had this thing with Cal going on, but I knew he was so wrong for you. I thought if we spent enough time together that you’d see that, too.”

“Cal and I were friends from last summer. We kept in touch all year and, if I’m honest, I had big crush on him. I would never have imagined Cal would be interested in me, but Addy said he was and then he didn’t waste any time when we got here. But
… nothing has ever felt right. We don’t have a lot in common and there’s clearly a division on moral issues. I went along with it because I promised Addison I would be open to him.” I pause, knowing I have to be totally honest with Miller, but mostly with myself. “That’s not completely true. I went along with it because … when is a guy like Cal Harper going to be into a girl like me? The wild thing is that I’ve always seen how Cal and I were all wrong for each other. I was just afraid to be the first one to say it because, I don’t know … it was like looking a gift horse in the mouth or something.

“You and
I are started hanging out and I began feeling something with you I’ve never felt before: comfortable. Comfortable with you, with myself. I’m with you and I don’t worry if I’m wearing or saying the right thing. I don’t think about what Addy would do because she’s not my benchmark when I’m with you. When I’m with you I think about wanting to know more about you, wanting you to tell me every single detail about your life. I want to know the stories behind every tattoo you have, every piece of art in your sketch pad, and every word you’ve written in your notebook. I want to show you every picture I’ve ever taken and tell you about every country I want to photograph one day. I want to get up before dawn and watch the sunrise with you again and again. I … am rambling and you’re just standing there looking at me and now I can’t help but be freaked out by what I just said so please say or do something … anything.”

Miller steps even closer to me
, so close that I immediately put both of my hands on his chest, over his heart, as he rests his hands on my hips. His hands are on my hips and I don’t even care. I smile at him, feeling so at ease and exhilarated at the same time. A strong breeze whips through the trees and a loose lock of my hair falls in my face. Miller takes it between his fingers and tucks it behind my ear and the softest smile spreads across his face.