As I Am (25 page)

“No
, I didn’t think that at all. I was pissed. I was pissed at Cal … and you. I left feeling like you had defended him and I didn’t know what to do with that. I understand your position that night now, but I was really upset then,” he explains.

“So talking to me about it was out of the question?” I ask, letting sarcasm roll off my tongue.

“Is this what you were going to do when you came to Savannah? You were going to yell at me?” he challenges, taking a step closer.

“Yes! No! A little! I was going to tell you that it wasn’t fair that you left the way you did without talking to me. And that I didn’t appreciate your
note
. It wasn’t even a full letter! It was a sad, short note!” Getting worked up, I shove the sleeves of my sweater up to my elbows. “You, with your back story and fatherly advice and meaningful tattoos about savoring moments in time and not being defined by your past … You abandoned that to go nurse your wounds an
d
‒
‒
”

“Holy crap! Did you get ink?” Miller grab
s my left arm and turns it over to see the letters spelled out across my wrist.

“I’m not done yelling at you,”
I bark at him. I don’t take my arm from him because his touch feels good.

“Yes, you are. I get it. I screwed up. Why do you think I’m here?” He keeps my arm in his grasp as he steps even closer to me. With our hands at one side, Miller reaches up and
cups his other hand behind my neck. “I walked all the way to the front gate of the camp. Do you want to know when I knew it was huge mistake to leave? The moment I stepped off the porch of The Lodge. I knew my letter to you was a joke. I had been telling how you deserved so much better and then I spat all over that with a pathetic excuse that I couldn’t even give you in person.” Miller presses our foreheads together and we both close our eyes, relishing in the moment of being close again after so long. “I have spent the last three months not knowing if I would ever be able to fix this. I’m so sorry. Is this fixable? Are
we
fixable?”

I sigh, letting all the anger and frustration I had built up just melt away.
Miller’s words flow into my heart and soul like a peaceful melody. I pull away from him and lift the arm he’s still holding. “This is the other thing, the main reason why I was going to Savannah.”

“When did you have this done?”
Miller stares at the tattoo on my wrist that reads a word I knew only Margaret would be able to give me.

“Yesterday, so it’s still a little tender,” I say with a breathy laugh.

“What does it mean?” he asks.

“Eudaimonia. It means human flourishing. A contented state of being happy and healthy. I wanted you to know that, regardless of how you left, or if you had moved on
… even though I missed you like crazy and lost count of how many times I dreamt about the first time you kissed me … No matter how things ended up with us, I’m happy. Happy with myself and who I am. Happy with where I’m going in life. Happy to make mistakes … to have victories and defeats. Happy to have known you, because you changed my life.”

“That
… is … I have no words. Maybe I should call Margaret!” Miller laughs. “I’m really happy for you, Kinley and I missed you, too. If it weren’t for Addison, I wouldn’t be here. I thought I had ruined everything but she called me a few days ago and told me if I didn’t come and make this right with you, I’d have her to deal with.”

“She’s been a busy bee,” I chuckle.
“So, yeah … we’re fixable because I’m not as broken as I used to be. And the parts of me that are still cracked … I’m good with them because I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to exist peacefully in my imperfection.”

“That’s just about the most perfect thing I’ve ever heard.”

I smile and look at the sketches hanging across the wall. “So, can I ask now what all this is?” I gesture to the line-up of my likenesses.

“This is my Interpretive Art class,” Miller answers.
“And why I’m here.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Um ... I’d like to read you something. At first I was going to read what I wrote at camp, but this one seemed like it would explain things a little better. Is that okay?”

I nod, biting my lip, unsure of how I’m going to respond. I want to keep it cool. I’m a new person now, filled with strength and bravery. But when the guy you’re crazy about is about to read poetry to you, all of that seems to take a back seat.

Miller picks up his journal from the table next to him and takes a deep breath as he opens it. Looking at me square in the eyes, he begins. “This is called,
She
.”

I think I might faint.

Draw, he said

Draw the day, draw the moon

Draw your heart when it swoons

Draw your worst, your best

Your first, your last

Draw what drives you crazy

Draw what makes you lazy

Draw the things that make you dark

Draw the deepest parts of your heart

But when he said to draw the sunrise

My world stop
ped ‘cause all I saw was your face,

Your lips

Your eyes

And when he asked who this
beauty was, I told him

She is my day, my moon

What makes my heart swoon

She is my worst, my best

My first, my last

She drives me crazy and oh

How all I want to do is be lazy

With her

All day

Forever

She has made me dark

And reached the deepest parts of my heart

But more than anything

She is my sunrise and all I want is to see her face

Kiss her lips

And dive into her eyes

I cover my mouth with my hand, doing my best to hold back the tears from spilling out of my eyes. No one has ever said these things about me. And even though I had an understanding of how Miller felt about me, I sorely underestimated him.

“I didn’t move on, Kinley. I couldn’t. For three months all I’ve thought about is how I ruined an amazing opportunity with you. I got back to my therapist and it was over a month before I even told him what I found out about Kara. I spent
six weeks
talking about how I had let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers because I acted hastily.” Miller takes my hand and puts it over his heart where I know his kairos tattoo is. “I used to say that Kara was the only person who ever looked at me and truly saw me. Then you looked at me and gave a whole new meaning to being seen.

“My heart hurts when I’m not with you. I don’t know what’s going to happen or even how to make a long
-distance relationship work, but … just say you’ll be with me. You’ll be with me and I’ll be with you and together we’ll take advantage of kairos moments and have eternal edamame, or however you pronounce it. Either way, we’ll be happy.”

My heart pounds with excitement inside my chest
and I giggle. A smile so big I just know my face can’t contain it, erupts without control. “Yeah. You’ll be with me, and I’ll be with you.” Miller kisses me and three months’ worth of emotions come roaring through me like a flash flood. The joy and sorrow, the excitement and disappointment, the feeling that only comes when you begin to see yourself for the very first time. I’m thrilled by Miller’s ability to see me as I am, but I’m even more overwhelmed by my
own
ability to see myself.

“So, uh
… you owe me a plane ticket,” I say, fixing Miller’s shirt after I balled it in my hand while he kissed me.

“I don’t owe you a plane ticket. You did that all on your own,” he
laughs.

“If you hadn’t left me alone, I wouldn’t have had to buy the ticket to come down there!”

“Alright, alright! Can I pay you in art and poetry?” he asks.

“Can I
sell the art and poetry for cash?” I joke.

“Whoa!” Miller grabs me around my waist and I don’t flinch for a second as he pulls me to him.

“Okay! Okay!” I laugh as I kiss Miller quickly. “You’re lucky we got everything straightened out. Pete said he would take your place if you didn’t come back, and both Pete and Cal said they would kick your ass for breaking my heart.”

“Well then I’m glad I’m back. The idea of you being with someone else really sucks.” Miller caresses my cheek with his thumb as he holds my face in his hand. “Wait. They said they were going to kick my ass?”

“Yep. But don’t worry. I’m strong and brave enough to fight them off for you,” I tell him.

“I know you are, Kinley. I know you are.”

Thank you to the incredible team of people who consistently work hard to make me look good. Rick Miles and the team at Red Coat PR, I’m the luckiest girl in the world to get to work with you. Thank you for your vision and all you do to help my dreams come true. I’m so happy to be a member of the RCPR family, but even happier to call you and Amy my dear friends.

Kristina, thank you for the editing expertise you bring to my work through Red
Road Editing. You fix my ramblings and make sure I dictate the voices I hear in my head clearly.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Kari with Cover to Cover designs
for making the cover of
As I Am
come alive exactly as I hoped it would. And to Kelsey with K Keeton Designs for working the photographic magic you’re so known for and creating a shot where Nathan Weller and Katie Bowen were able to become Miller and Kinley. You both made my dream for this cover become a reality!

To my ever faithful Lisa B. who reads every word I write and challenges me to be better. Thank you for pretending to be dense and asking the hard questions! You are invaluable.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shout of thanks to the amazing writing community I’m fortunate to be a part of. You are mentors and friends and partners in this adventure. Thanks for getting past my fangirling over you and become some of the greatest friends I’ve ever had.

Finally, and as always, to my personal Miller: my husband, Donavan. Thank you for seeing my heart and soul and taking me as I am for the past sixteen years. My heart swells knowing that you really and truly see me.

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