As I Am (23 page)

Cal holds my face with his hand and caresses my cheek with his thumb. “Then he’d be an idiot and I’d have to kick his ass.” Cal gives me a crooked smile and I fall into his embrace. I appreciate his belief in me, but I don’t know if I’m
that
brave. Am I ready to take that kind of risk? It’s one thing to be strong and set boundaries with my sister, or to be flirtatious with a guy in a coffee shop; it’s another to hop on a plane and show up at my summer boyfriend’s college.

I could, though
… couldn’t I? I mean, Miller told me to stay brave and strong like he knew I was. At the very least, he’d be proud of me for being brave and taking a chance, right? I don’t know. There’s so much at stake. So much to lose. I just found my real self and I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet to handle it if he rejects me.

Sleep on it, Kinley
, I tell myself.
Everything always looks brighter in the morning.

So, I fell into an old habit and dove into editing pictures
all day so I didn’t have to think about Cal’s challenge to go to Georgia and find Miller. My plan was working really well until about three when my hand flinched, causing me to click on an album I didn’t intend to open. Before I knew it was staring at a screen of large thumbnail pictures from Lake Hollis. I wish it had been the file of edited picture I sent to Mr. Fellows. He verbally threw himself all over me when he saw them. It was a matter of days before I was holding a glowing letter of recommendation from him in my hot little hand.

No, this was the file of pictures I took of my fellow counselors at The Lodge and around the camp. I feel a warm rush of happiness clicking through pictures of the night Amy, Matthew, Carrie, and Bridget came to my rescue. Bridget is kneeling on the bed dancing like a crazy woman, Carrie is posing like a girl from that Robert Palmer video, and Matthew has one of Amy’s
black shirts on his head and is tossing it over his shoulder like he’s Cher. There’s a picture of just me and each of the girls, and one of just me with Matthew. Despite the heartbreaking event that was the catalyst, this was a wonderful night and truly the beginning of my evolution.

There are a few pictures of me and Cal that prior to yesterday may or may not have caused my stress level to rise. Right now, though, all they do is bring a smile to my face and I couldn’t be happier that he popped back into my life when he did.

I could skip over the thumbnails of Addy, but I don’t. I click and watch the photo fill most of the screen, staring at her face as I search for the girl she was when we were little. She was always bossy, but she never did anything that made me feel like I wasn’t enough. There was even a time when she wouldn’t pursue things if I couldn’t, too. Things changed when we got to middle school and all of a sudden people had a loud opinion of these mismatched twins. At first I thought Addy didn’t care, like me. But before the end of sixth grade, popularity lines were drawn and Addy knew which side she wanted to be on. She wanted me to be there, too, so I guess in her own way everything she’s done has been because she wanted us to be together. It just got so twisted somewhere along the way.

There are
small, square pictures of Miller in the middle of my screen. My mouse hovers over them, not sure if I’m ready to look at him. I’m afraid if I pull one up it will scream a thousand words I don’t want to hear. I’m more afraid it will whisper the ones I do want to hear and I’ll be packing a bag and checking on flights to Savannah.

A knock at my door provides a welcomed distraction. I minimize the file box on the screen and
walk the seven steps to the door. I open it to find Addison is standing in my doorway like a lost puppy.

“Hi,” she says quietly. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” I step to the side and let Addy walk past me before I close the door behind her. “What’s up?”

“
I left you a couple of messages but I haven’t heard back from you.” Addy looks at me and there’s something different in her eyes. The confident charge she filled the air with is gone and has been replaced with something else. Meekness, maybe?

“Oh, yeah, sorry. To be honest, I haven’t listened to the messages
, not for any reason except that I just haven’t. Was there something in particular you wanted?” When she says she’s left a couple of messages, what she means is that she’s called me twice a week for the last three weeks. Every time I see her number come up I immediately decline the call. I’m not trying to be malicious. I just haven’t known what to say to her, and I didn’t think it would be right to have our first real conversation in months be over the phone.

“That’s ok
ay. I just wanted to make sure you were going to be at my mid-semester show. I’m really excited about this project and would love for you to be there … and not just because it’ll make me look good to have more people there. Will you come?” she asks hopefully.

“I don’t know, Addy,” I tell her hesitantly.

“Please. It’s really important to me that you come.”

“When is it?” I ask, even though I’ve had it on the calendar on my phone for two months. Old habits of scheduling things around Addy die hard.

“Tomorrow at four. I know you get out of class at three. Will you be there?” Addy’s face is full of hope and anticipation. I’ve never seen her look at me this way. Even in all the times she pretended she had to beg me to be her wingman she never looked like this. This is real pleading. She
really
wants me to be there. A part of my heart fills just a little as I look at my sister and see that she is changing.

I give Addy a small smile and say, “Okay. I’ll be there.”

“Oh, Kinley! Thank you! It’s going to be so great! I can’t wait for you to see it all!” Addy jumps up and down like a schoolgirl and I have to admit that it makes my heart swell to know that it has a least a little to do with me. “It’s in the arts building on the fourth floor. There will be signs pointing you in the right direction. And it won’t take too long because there are only two of us presenting. We all have to participate in each other’s presentations, so …”

“I’m sure it’s going to be great, Addy. You’re really talented,” I tell her.

“That means a lot to me, Kin.” Addy smiles and drops her head, a little embarrassed by my compliment. She really
is
changing. “So, have you talked to anyone from camp?” she asks making small talk.

“Yeah, actually. I’ve had a conversation going with Carrie and Bridget for four days now on Facebook. Bridget thinks Cooper is going to propose any day now,” I tell her. “Matthew just got the final word that he’s going to decorate a wi
ndow and Barney’s at Christmas. He’s totally freaking out. And Pete is repelling down the side of a building for charity? I don’t know. He’s crazy.”

“That is crazy, but it sounds just like something he would do,” she laughs.

“Oh, and I had dinner with Cal last night.”

“What? Cal is in town?” she asks, surprised.

“Yeah, he happened to pop into the coffee shop where I was yesterday. We talked and he asked me to dinner,” I tell her.

Addy looks nervous. She bites her lip and shuffles her feet. “And everything was okay with you two?”

“If it wasn’t I wouldn’t have gone to dinner with him,” I say with a hint of aggravation in my voice, although she’s probably just trying to gauge when things will be okay between her and me. If she would make the kind of move that Cal did, then I think I could find a way to trust her again. To give her some credit, she does seem to be headed in the right direction.

“Right, well
… I’m glad you two had a great time,” she smiles. “What about Miller? Have you heard from him?”

Damn! Why does he keep coming up? I’ve been spending the day happily avoiding
any thought of him and now Addy just
had
to ask about him.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Do … you …
want
to hear from him?” she asks cautiously.

“I would love to hear from him,” I tell her. “
Cal actually suggested I hop on the next plane to Savannah to find Miller and tell him how I feel.” I give a small laugh at how absurd that sounds now.

“You can’t do that,” Addy says adamantly.

“Why not?” I narrow my eyes at her and feel the wall I had begun taking down go right back up.

“You just can’t. What if you go down there and you can’t even find him? Does he live on campus? At home? Does he work? What’s his class schedule? Are you just going to wander around his campus until you find him?” she says rapidly.

I think for a second before I respond to Addison’s objections, and smile knowing that for the first time I know I have options of what I can say.

“You know what, Addy?
” I say directly. “Six months ago I would have said, ‘You’re so right. There’s no way I can go down there.’ Three months ago I would have said, ‘Screw you. I’m going anyway,’ just to spite you. Today I’m telling you that I haven’t decided what I’m going to do. But regardless, it will be
my
choice. The beauty of that is that I get to live with the choices I make. I can mess up or have complete victory. Either way, I don’t have to wait on you or anyone else to tell me what to do.

“I may decide not to go. But if I do, I have no idea what will happen.
I could go down there and find Miller only to discover that he’s moved on. I could walk through his door and him be so happy to see me. I can live with whatever happens because
I
would have made the decision to find out.”

“What would say to him if you saw him?” she asks, seemingly taken down a notch or two by my assertion.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’d yell at him for leaving the way he did. Maybe I’d throw my arms around him and tell him exactly how much I missed him. Maybe both.”

Addy ponders this with tight lips and fidgeting fingers. “Can you at least wait until after my show tomorrow night? It’s really important to me that you’re there.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do about Miller, Addy. But I said I would be there tomorrow night, and I will,” I answer.

“
Thank you,” she says with a sigh. “Um … I’ve gotta go. I have some final things to finish for the show and then I’m meeting some people for dinner. You can meet up with us, if you want to.”

“I’ve got some editing to do. I’ll be ordering in tonight, but thanks for the invitation.”

Addy opens her arms to hug me. I hug her back tentatively and remember what it felt like to be close to her. I miss my sister. I really do. Every second of our life together wasn’t treacherous. It’s those times that I miss, and wonder if Addy misses them, too.

I close the door behind her and sit back at my desk. Talking about Miller broke my resolve and I immediately click on one of his pictures. As so
on as it fills the screen, the excitement I felt around him erupts inside me.

“What’s going on with you, Miller?” I think aloud.

Tapping my nails on the desk I let go and really consider my options. I pull out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. I write “PRO” on one side and “CON” on the other.

P
RO: I will have made a decision based on what
I
wanted to do.

CON: I’d be headed to a city I’ve never been to before and have no clue where to begin to look for Miller.

PRO: Miller could be relieved that I took the first step to getting us back together.

CON: Things could turn awkward because I didn’t take the hint that Miller has moved on.

PRO: At least I’d have closure.

CON: Closure would mean things are really over with Miller.

“Gahhh! Why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t I just chalk it up to a summer romance with Miller and move on?” I wonder exasperatedly out loud. “Because it wasn’t just a summer romance. It was so much more. It was a life-changing experience for me and Miller needs to know that. He needs to know that being with him gave me courage and strength. He spawned that in me, and no matter where he is on the spectrum of his feelings for me, I can’t let any more time pass without letting him know.”

I open up my browser and look for the next flight out. Oh, crap. I can’t. I told Addison I’d be at her show tomorrow. Okay
… what are my flight options for tomorrow night? I narrow my search and find two possibilities: 7:35 pm and 10:55 pm. Better take the later one so I have time to go to Addy’s show and get to the airport without having to tell the cabbie to hurry. Telling a cabbie to rush is a death wish. They live for the chance to weave in and out of city traffic. I grab my wallet and a few clicks later I’m printing out my flight confirmation.

I just printed my flight confirmation. Holy crap! What have I done?

I stand and pace the room, filled with a mixture of buyer’s remorse and jilted-girlfriend-turned-stalker shame.

“Am I really going to do this? I’m really going to do this,” I begin chanting to myself quietly. “There’s no turning back now. The non-refundable ticket has been bought.
” With my heart racing I circle the room and land in front the mirror. My eyes are wide and my mouth is gaping open.

“Stop,” I command myself. I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I let it out. I don’t open them again until I’m sure I’ve calmed down. My heartbeat begins to regulate and my mind is clearing
. “It’s okay. You’ve got this. No matter what happens, at the end of the day you were brave and confident, visible and valuable … happy.”

I smile and then twist my mouth as an idea pops into my head. In order to execute it, though, I’ll need some help from my little wordsmith. I’ve been keeping in touch with Margaret these past few months, mostly in part because I wanted to make sure she was doing as great after camp as she was when we left. It’s only been a few months, but she and her cabin mates are still emailing and texting at least a couple times a week. I’m so happy that what could have turned into a tragic experience for her became something that probably saved her life.

I type out an email to Margaret explaining my idea to her. Within minutes she has replied with exactly what I need, and the ball of my plan is officially rolling.