Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of Too Nice (6 page)

Of course, there will be instances where you're acting as an Earth Angel and bringing forth God's help through your efforts. But those instances are clearly guided by love, not by guilt.

If you're giving because of guilt, it's not true or pure giving, as was discussed in the previous chapter. Your gift out of guilt is tainted with toxic energies.

Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a form of self-care. When you uphold your boundaries, meaning that you don't allow others to manipulate, guilt, or control you, your inner self applauds and thanks you.

Your self-esteem and confidence increase whenever you successfully stand up for yourself.

Now, by “stand up for yourself,” I don't mean that you're aggressively pronouncing judgments over others. Remember that assertiveness upholds
everyone's
rights: yours and those of the other person involved. When you maintain your boundaries and say no with grace, love, and firmness, you teach people how to handle boundaries.

You're not their Source; God is!
If you make yourself their Source, then how will they ever learn to support themselves and grow?

When I was first teaching angel courses, I made time to sit down personally one-on-one with each student. During these individual sessions, I'd tune in to the student's angels and answer all of the questions that he or she had. And then I'd go home and be ill and tired for two to three days after the workshop; I had allowed myself to become drained, under the misguided notion that
I
was the one to help and serve all these students.

After that, I realized that I wasn't doing myself or them any favors by being so accessible. I realized that it was important for me to model good healthy boundaries to my students, many of whom were in training to become spiritual teachers themselves. I needed to teach each student how to access Divine guidance and answers for him- or herself, instead of needing to go through me or another person.

So, in my teaching I began emphasizing how to receive clear angel messages for yourself. I also created defined breaks in the schedule for the course, during which I wouldn't allow anyone to ask me questions. When questioned during my break, I'd say: “Other people may want to hear the answer to this question, so let's save it for when we're all back together.” I'd also tell students that I was in a human body that needed rest and recharging.

I knew that by taking a break, I'd be a more effective and higher-energy teacher. I'd also be happier, which is a very important quality in a teacher. I've always told my students that it's beneficial to take lots of different classes, as long as the teacher is a happy person. A happy teacher teaches other people how to be happy, both directly and by role-modeling happiness. And happiness is the most important thing anyone can teach!

In addition, when you exercise strong and healthy boundaries as a parent, you teach your children how to do the same. Don't you want your children to grow up learning to respect themselves, their time, and their energy levels? Of course you do! Well, so too does God want this for you and everyone else!

Affirm often: “I think I can; therefore I can!”

Plenty of people come to me and argue in favor of their limitations. They forcefully tell me why they can't enact the positive steps that their angels are guiding them to take. They imply that they're somehow exceptional and are being blocked or thwarted from their dreams. Everyone else gets cut a break, but they're very special victims in their own minds.

If they would put half the energy they expend arguing for what they
can't
do toward arguing in favor of what they
can
do, then they would be well on their way to living their dream lives!

Benefits of Boundaries

When you exercise your boundaries and learn to say no, you have more free time to devote to your passions and priorities, instead of feeling like you have to steal away moments to write that article, take that class, read that book, learn to play that musical instrument, start that new business, practice your healing skills . . . and so forth.

Boundaries give you a healthier and happier mind and a higher energy level, because you're no longer fixated on the thought that people have taken advantage of you. When you feel resentful, you obsessively think about the other person's inconsiderate behavior toward you. This type of thought pattern, if left unchecked, can lead to depression, anxiety, addictions, relationship issues, loneliness, fearfulness, and other toxic results.

___________

*
If you break every watch, computer, and radio you come near, then your life purpose is to thwart destructive electronics, such as weapons or anything that harms people, animals, or the environment.

CHAPTER THREE

NO MORE RESCUING: BOUNDARIES
WITHOUT
GUILT
OR
FEAR

E
arth Angels think that rescuing is a normal part of all relationships. They see themselves as strong and able to manifest endless resources—which is an accurate description, because they've learned how to tap into Source for energy and supply.

Earth Angels are so empathetic that they can feel everyone's emotions, especially the painful ones. In fact, many Earth Angels have difficulty distinguishing their own feelings from other people's.

The combination of Earth Angels being able to feel other people's pain plus their desire for everyone to be happy makes them natural rescuers.

Rescuing is a beautiful thing to do if you're a firefighter or medical first responder, or in any situation where the person is unable to help him- or herself. But rescuing people who could dig themselves out of their own jams is where Earth Angels get into trouble.

When an Earth Angel steps in and rescues someone who's capable of rescuing him- or herself, this is called
enabling
. It means that you're taking away someone's opportunity to grow and learn.

An example would be a mother who still does her teenage son's laundry and cleans up his room and makes his bed when he's quite capable of doing all this himself. He would also
benefit
by learning how to take care of his environment.

Or think of the parents who complete their child's science project, even though the child would learn new skills by working on it alone with minimal adult supervision.

Some Earth Angels rescue strangers. They meet a new person whom they pity, and they offer outrageous help, including opening their house to a recent acquaintance to live in rent-free, loaning or giving money to an individual whom they barely know, spending hours on the phone offering advice, or driving a virtual stranger to appointments.

Rescuers believe it's their job to fix others, and they believe that they're uniquely qualified to do so. If
they
don't help, no one else can! This gives them a sense of meaning and purpose, and also can feed into egocentric feelings of specialness.

In addition, rescuing allows you to focus more on other people's problems than on your own (deflecting your energy away from fixing your own life).

Professional Victims Beware of “professional victims.” Earth Angels have a compulsion to save people and so are a lock-and-key with those who exploit them, and who insist upon constantly being rescued. Although you know that everyone is a child of God, you must also acknowledge that some people choose to live disconnected from God's guidance. They take advantage of others, including nice people like you.

Professional victims will make you feel flattered and special, as they explain that you're their only hope. They've singled you out especially because God “told” them that you'd fix everything for them. So you take a deep breath, agree to help them, and think,
I'll figure out
how
I can help as I go along
, since you have no idea what to do at the time. You also wonder how you'll keep your own life in balance while taking on the Herculean task of rescuing yet another person.

So you do your best to lend a hand, but the professional victim lets you know that your help doesn't come quickly enough or isn't good enough. Surely there's
more
you can give to this poor victim? Somewhere along the line, you reach a breaking point or a loved one points out that your rescuing behavior is unhealthy.

When you stop rescuing professional victims, they get angry. Very angry. And they then begin attacking you with verbal threats, rude posts on your social-media page, or harassing phone messages. In fact,
while
you're rescuing them, they attack you for not doing a good enough job of it. You're never doing enough for them. If they're unhappy, professional victims will say that it's your fault.

So the next time you get the compulsion to rescue someone, pray for guidance first. Professional victims have endless drama and bottomless-pit needs that can never be filled. They're
ungrateful
for the help they get, and in fact they criticize it.

You'll never feel satisfaction while rescuing a professional victim, because they intend to suck and drain you dry. (We'll talk more about how to identify and handle these toxic relationships in Part II.)

Rescuing Addiction

Addictions are always an attempt to fill an inner emotional emptiness with something outside of ourselves. The addiction momentarily makes us experience those delicious feelings of safety, love, and peace—just as we did prior to the original trauma (see
Chapter 1
).

You feel like a hero when you rescue someone, which is a sensation that temporarily boosts your self-esteem. This feeling is very strong if you believe,
Only I can help him. He's counting on me!

Now is it really true that you're the only one who can rescue the person? What are some alternatives for him if you
weren't
available to rescue him? Please be honest with yourself about the answers to these questions.

You become addicted to rescuing when there's a pattern across several relationships where you're the clear rescuer and the other person is a victim in need of rescuing.
Rescue addiction
has the classic hallmarks shared with other addictions: You start to depend upon the behavior in order to feel whole, happy, or important. You conduct rescuing impulsively by immediately saying “I'll do it!” without first considering alternatives or the aftermath.

The rescue addiction, like any addiction, leads to messy consequences. Soon after enlisting yourself to rescue someone, you start to experience familiar feelings creeping in: being overwhelmed with too much to do; resenting that no one else is helping; feeling unappreciated by those you're helping; wishing you were instead spending time on a personally meaningful project; and feeling guilty because you're conflicted about rescuing the person. These feelings are intensified even more if the person you're rescuing begins to make additional demands on your time or other resources.

So, what's wrong with rescuing?
A lot!
If you rescue others, you rob them of the chance to develop problem-solving skills. You also give people a safety net to get entangled in another crisis, because they know that they can depend upon you to bail them out. In addition, the addiction is caustic to your self-esteem because you don't have a healthy, real relationship with those whom you rescue. Instead, the relationship makes you feel that you're only loved for what you can do for others, instead of being loved for who you are. That's a lonely feeling that leads to the downward spiral of low self-worth.

Volunteering for Committees

Volunteer service is God's work, in that volunteers fulfill much-needed roles in communities. But there's a balance some Earth Angels need help achieving!

It's one thing to volunteer to assist part-time with a project that's dear to your heart. But it's another thing to feel railroaded and pressured to join multiple committees in which you have no interest.

Unless you're sure that the volunteer work brings you joy, skip it. You're not truly giving unless you're giving from a place of love. There are plenty of volunteer positions available that are aligned with your personal passions and natural interests.

Similar to this are committees at your job that are unpaid and which you're pressured to join. Remember that it's okay to say no to activities for which you don't have the extra time. As long as you're doing your regular job well, you'll be appreciated. And if you're not appreciated at work, it's time to dust off your résumé and look for a position where you will be!

Discernment, Not Judgment

Earth Angels pride themselves on being nonjudgmental. That's why it's important for them to develop a sense of
discernment
instead.

Discernment operates off of the Law of Attraction. It says:
I am attracted to this; I am not attracted to that
. For example, discernment might say that you're not drawn to something. Judgment, on the other hand, labels everything as either being good or bad. So it's more intellectual in its scope. With judgment, you'd say:
This person is bad. That person is good
. With discernment, the Law of Attraction would say:
I am attracted to this person. I am not attracted to that person
.