Assholes Finish First (37 page)

What the fuck was going on? Is this really my life?

As I was trying to work through this emotional minefield, she came up and tugged on my arm.

YoungGirl “Oh look, there’s a Pinkberry across the street. I love Pinkberry! Can we get some?”

She looked at me with those googly eyes that presexualized girls use to manipulate their parents and sexualized girls use to manipulate their boyfriends. Hers were both.

I knew this wasn’t my fault. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. I knew I hadn’t touched her. I knew that she sought me out, emailed me first, sent me very misleading pictures, and lied to me multiples times, but still… I’d never felt dirtier in my life than that exact moment.

I looked at her in complete disbelief, weighed my options, and did the only thing that made any sense considering the events of the previous two hours.

I ordered a large green tea frozen yogurt with Cap’n Crunch and strawberries, because that shit is delicious.

Then I went home, took the longest shower I’d ever taken, in the hottest water I could bear, scrubbed myself raw, and drank beer until I passed out.

T
HE
T
UCKER MAX
S
EX-RAY

Occurred—August 2009

When the movie based on my first book came out, Nils, a crew of assorted miscreants, and I rode around the country in a huge tour bus, attending premieres in various cities and causing all sorts of havoc. There were many, many hilarious incidents, but one incident stood above the rest, an incident that was so awesome that it shocked even Dr. Drew.

It all started the night of the premiere in Raleigh, North Carolina. I was sitting on the tour bus, exhausted from a long day, sipping a beer and talking to Jeff and Nils. These two girls I had talked to earlier came on the bus, and they were pretty, but to be honest, I was fairly unenthusiastic about them. Still, they were girls, and they were there, and they wanted to fuck, so I tried to find something compelling about them.

Tucker “So what do you do?”

Girl “I’m an x-ray tech.”

OK, that’s interesting. Jeff had hurt his shoulder the day before—in a fit of rage, he tried to use it to dent an elevator door—and now he thought he might have a serious problem with it.

Tucker “Really? Jeff has a bad shoulder. Can you get it x-rayed for him?”

X-rayTech “Of course. I can x-ray anything.”

Tucker “When can we go? Tomorrow morning, maybe?”

X-rayTech “Right now, if you want.”

X-rayFriend “She has the keys to the place.”

Jeff and I perk up like meerkats and share a conspiratorial glance.

Tucker “You have keys? To an x-ray clinic? How?”

X-rayTech “I’m the head tech there, and the boss wants to fuck me, so he lets me do anything I want.”

Tucker “So we can go and get an x-ray right now?”

X-rayTech “Yep.”

Tucker “What else can you x-ray?”

X-rayTech “I can x-ray anything you want.”

Tucker “So… can you get an x-ray of you and me fucking?”

X-rayTech and her friend flash their best 3am Cinemax grins.

X-rayTech “I can do you one better. I can get an x-ray video of us fucking.”

Tucker “You shut up! There is no such thing as x-ray video! That’s only in
Total Recall
!”

X-rayFriend “There is. We can go now.”

Jeff and I leap to our feet, I take X-rayTech by her hand, Jeff grabs the other one, and we sprint from the tour bus out to the van and race to the clinic.

X-rayTech unlocks the door and disarms the alarm, and we get situated in front of the x-ray machine. We quickly figure out that an x-ray video of us having sex is pretty much impossible, because it’s just a mass of bones. I have another idea: I put X-rayTech on her knees and have her fellate me in front of the x-ray machine. Jeff and the other girl immediately crack up laughing.

Jeff “That’s awesome! Holy shit!”

He is laughing so much I almost think he has to be playing it up.

Jeff “OK, that’s good, you got plenty of video, I want to go now!!”

We switch places, they get in front of the x-ray machine and start going, and X-rayTech turns it on.

I literally fall on the floor laughing. The hardest I’d ever laughed in my life. The video is the best. Google “Tucker Max Sex-ray” and it’ll come up, but here are some screen shots:

I S
HOCK
D
R.
D
REW

That’s not all there is to this story. I went on
Loveline
a few weeks later, and I was really excited about it because I am a huge Dr. Drew fan. During a commercial, we were talking about things that shock him, and he said that after being a doctor for like 25 years, and doing
Loveline
for over 20, nothing shocked him anymore. So I showed him the SeX-ray video.

I will try to not overstate this, but there is no doubt Dr. Drew was shocked. He kinda stammered for a second, and then we came back on the air. This is the exact transcript from that point forward:

Dr. Drew “We’re back… I was just exposed to a video of, I guess oral sex…”

Tucker “I knew that was gonna throw you for a curveball man.”

Dr. Drew “It’s oral sex on a Cinescope.”

Tucker “No no, on x-ray video.”

Dr. Drew “Yeah but a fluoroscope it’s called. That’s a ton of x-ray exposure buddy, right to your nuts.”

Tucker “She had metal hoop earrings on too Dr. Drew! It was an x-ray tech who I hooked up with who put me in front of that thing…”

Dr. Drew “Is she out of her mind?”

Nils “Yes.”

Tucker “Well… she said it was a lower level of exposure than…”

Dr. Drew “It is, but it’s still a… we doctors are a very cautious…”

Tucker “And a doctor emailed me after I posted this. He’s like, ‘You cannot say who did that because they’ll lose their license.’ Like it’s a big deal or something.”

Dr. Drew “Yeah it’s a big deal! And especially shooting across your testes. I mean, that’s f-ed up. I’m sorry, but that’s not a cool thing.”

Nils “She might actually get an award from the National Organization for Women.”

Dr. Drew “I guarantee that she was as narcissistic as you, or a drug addict, to be able to want to take that kind of risk.”

Tucker “She’s a nice lady!”

Dr. Drew “I’m just saying.”

Tucker “It’s really that bad?”

Dr. Drew “Is it bad? You know, when we use fluoroscopes, you put them on for just a second and then turn them off, because it’s such a high level of radiation. It’s continuous radiation exposure. It’s not just a single picture.”

Tucker “So I can go without a condom for a couple months?”

[
Dr. Drew glares at me
.]

Tucker “I’m just kidding. No but it’s not permanent, is it really?”

Nils [
laughs
] “It’s not permanent.”

Dr. Drew “Well, risk of testicular cancers, risk of all kinds of stuff. That’s why they wear those
big lead shields
when they’re working there!”

Tucker “So you’re saying that skeleton porn’s not going to catch on.”

Dr. Drew “I don’t think so. What they’ve done is MRIs and CT scans and things like that.”

Tucker “But have you ever seen x-ray porn like that?”

Dr. Drew “No.”

Tucker “The best part is that she had hoop earrings on, did you see that?”

Dr. Drew “Yeah, so the x-ray was also firing into those and going all over the place.”

Nils “That’s the best part. Not the infertility.”

Dr. Drew “Oh Tucker. This is not good. Not good at all.”

I’ll just say it: When you can shock Dr. Drew, you’ve really accomplished something. Whether it’s good or bad—or causes testicular cancer—is a different issue. But it’s definitely something.

H
OT
, S
ANE
, S
INGLE

I have been dating, fucking, and otherwise dealing with women as an adult for 16+ plus years now, and for the most part, I’ve found one rule about them to be depressingly true:

1. hot

2. sane

3. single

Pick two.

Of course there are exceptions—all those amazing married women obviously had to be single at some point. Unfortunately, hot, sane women stay on the shelf for about as long as the new iPhone on release day.

Of all the various permutations from that list, I seem to attract the hot, single, and not sane ones the most. Actually, I shouldn’t say I attract them more; it’s just they’re the type I’m most enthusiastic about fucking, because, you know—they’re hot. Yes, it would probably be better to go with sane, single, and not hot, but I’m a guy—we’re visual creatures. Like all guys, I want to fuck the hottest girls I can (unless of course, it’s a one-off thing and no one is going to see me with her, then, whatever feels best in the dark works too).

Plus, I used to think the hot, single, crazy girl was awesome; her unpredictability, her spontaneity, and her promiscuity all appealed to me. Who doesn’t want to be with that hot girl who’s totally into you, always wants to get drunk and party, and loves blowing you in the bar bathroom? She can be really fun because in the beginning, the ride on that crazy train is a blast.

But what you DON’T see at the beginning is what becomes unbearable in the end: the codependency, the intense emotional traumas that
replay themselves over and over in her life, the irrational mood swings, the dangerous self-destructiveness, the wanton whorishness. It all eventually catches up to you, and when you have to pay the price for it, the fun stuff doesn’t seem that fun anymore. For me, the trips to Hot Crazy Land got to be too expensive.

What follows are a few of the funnier stories from some of the nuttier girls I have dealt with recently. Now, mind you, these are NOT the stories of the absolute craziest. I have several in my past that are really, seriously fucked in the head; the girl who tried to move into my apartment when I was at the gym, the Canadian sisters who killed their mother, etc. I am not writing about those types for three reasons:

1. Some of them are legit crazy; I’m talking about schizophrenia or other brain disorders. If someone has a genuine, biological disability, it’s not cool to shit on her for it. If you’re a bitch, or fat, or a lazy shithead, that’s your fault. Your decisions have led to that result, and you can change that if you want to. But if you have a genuine issue with your brain chemistry that makes you crazy—that’s not a choice. I have no desire to hurt or humiliate people for things they didn’t choose and can’t change.

2. They might stab me. Crazy people do crazy things. I have zero desire to spend my life looking over my shoulder wondering when the girl who flew me to Barcelona is going to come out of the shadows and stick a Ka-Bar knife into my liver (that girl was so nuts, even SlingBlade was afraid to make fun of her—seriously). If you’ve ever dealt with a truly crazy person, you know what I mean. If not, just look at a picture of Gary Busey and ask yourself, “Is that a person I want to have a dispute with?”

3. Perhaps most important, if I delve too deeply into the issues of the authentic crazies, I will inevitably run headlong into my own issues. I don’t really feel like doing that. No matter how much I may tease or mock some of the girls I sleep with, I can’t escape the fact that I am CHOOSING to fuck them. If you stick your dick in someone and then turn around and claim you are better than she is and don’t share anything in common with her, well… you’re probably just fooling yourself.