Atonement (31 page)

I had contacted an OB/GYN in San Diego. I needed one here after all. I was able to get the birth control pills called into a local Walgreen’s right after our honeymoon, but it was time for my annual as well, and I needed a doctor anyhow. Luckily, they had had a cancellation, and offered me an appointment for this week. I decided to take a home pregnancy test as well. I had a repeat mantra in my head, ‘I’m not pregnant…I’m not pregnant’ and was beginning to convince myself of that, but I didn’t want any surprises at their office.

So, the day I was supposed to go in, I took a test. The instructions said the first morning’s pee was the most accurate and full of ‘pregnancy hormones’ and easier to pick up on if they were in fact there. After Tate left for practice, I did it. For the first time in my life I peed on a stick. I flossed, brushed my teeth, and quickly showered before I looked at the results. My restraint was superhuman really. I never have that much
control and willpower. I think I was trying to make the results be negative, like it was no big deal.

There is no way anyone can prepare themselves for two solid blue lines. No way at all. I nearly fainted. I told myself it couldn’t be true. I would let the doctor determine the validity by doing their own tests. But, the truth was I was in full denial of what I felt was incomprehensible.

My doctor was beautifully Jamaican, and incredibly outspoken. Her accent was very thick, and she spoke almost too fast to be understood, at least for southern girls like me. However, there was no mistaking the impact of her next words, “You are with child dear…congratulations!” She said it with enthusiasm, and I burst out crying. I knew I shouldn’t have, but I was SO dang emotional. Then she said, “oh, you’ll be okay dear. Shake it off and run home to tell your famous husband.” I looked at her, first with contempt, then with pure shock.

“You know of my husband?” I was still crying…taking short quick breaths, but actually forgetting her pregnancy news, if only momentarily.

“Of course dear,” she said nonchalantly. “Everyone here knows of your gorgeous husband. He will be happy…no?” She was surely mistaken. He told me on our wedding night how much he wanted just ‘us’ for a while.

I let out a weird, low laugh. “He wants kids one day, but now? I’m not sure now would be his preference.” What was I saying? I was sure now wouldn’t be. If I had had my choice, I would wait at least four or five years. I wanted time with just
Tate so badly too…just us. But, I had screwed that up. Yep, he would resent me…long term, he would resent me. Our marriage was pretty unconventional as it was. I was so young to be married, and we were living like a prince and princess from the very beginning. We would have been able to travel and overindulge on each other, but not now. Now, we would have one major responsibility…being parents.

Oh God, what had I done? I was an idiot. I had jeopardized my future with my forgetfulness. That’s what he would think anyway. I had forgotten to pack my birth control for our wedding night and our honeymoon. I never even thought about it, not once. Again, I was an idiot. Tate would be furious.

It was time to face him. I was just over eight weeks by now. We had dinner plans with a group of couples from his team, including Elle and Finn. I should be ecstatic. After all, my best friend, and Tate’s best friend were here now with us in California. We had so much to celebrate.

As we were getting ready, Tate came up behind me and grabbed me around the waist, laying sweet kisses on my neck. The smell of Tate and the feel of his soft lips nearly had me panting for more. As always his presence affected me intensely, but lately, I just wanted to tear his clothes off.

“Reese, you look so sexy, so beautiful. You know I’m the luckiest husband around.” Pushing my hair to the side, he started lightly kissing my neck and running his fingers temptingly up and down my arm. “Hmmm, I can’t wait to get back home…unless you want to be late, we can arrange that too.”
Tate was making pretend humping moves up against me. He was rubbing my hips, and planting soft, sweet kisses across my shoulders and jawline.

“Mmmm, we’ll have to wait Tate.” I said struggling to keep my composure. I knew I had been distant over the last few days, mostly trying to avoid Tate, I hated holding this secret from him. While my sex drive was in well…overdrive, my brain was acting completely dumb. I was afraid Tate could tell just by looking at my naked body that I was carrying his baby. Oh God. I closed my eyes and shook from that thought alone. “We’re nearly late as it is. But God I love what you’re doing to me. We better get going.” I said putting in my left earring. I had to stop this now. I was afraid I would break, and I just wasn’t ready to face the music quite yet. When would I tell him was the question?

“Okay, but tonight…I can’t wait until later tonight.” He said literally licking from my chin to the top of my lip. My shaking body was begging for the answer…when was I going to get the nerve to tell him?

The dinner was fun, but worrisome. They were serving my new favorite drink, dirty martinis. I had discovered how much I liked them at my bachelorette party. Elle was beaming and pointing to her glass suggesting I drink up. Now what? Crap! I smiled, picking up my glass, and taking a tiny sip. This was all new to me, but I knew drinking hard liquor was out of the question being pregnant. Double Crap! How was I going to get out of this? I knew if I wasn’t careful that Elle would pick up on what was going on with me. I also hadn’t touched the ahi tuna
for an appetizer. That was my favorite, but I had read raw fish was out during pregnancy. The nervousness was creeping back in again. Sitting my drink back down I accidently knocked my full glass of water over spilling it all over the table. Really? How clumsy can I be!

“Oh God, I’m so sorry.” I was scrambling up on my feet trying to keep it from running under everyone’s plates. Tate jumped up beside of me helping me grab other napkins. He was chuckling and I was mortified. I was so tense and upset that my stomach churned, causing me to feel like I was going to hurl. Oh crap, I was going to…I took off running to the bathroom. I was leaving all of the commotion behind, but throwing up on the table was ten times worse than spilling water all over it.

I barely made it to the toilet. I was spent. My face had to be white as a sheet. I hated getting sick; hated it with a passion!

The door opened and Elle came to the stall I was in. “Reese, are you okay? What’s happening to you?” I let out a long sigh, but I didn’t answer her.

I could hear the paper-towels tearing, and the water running. She handed me the cool, wet cloth from under the stall door. “Reese, are you…are you pregnant?” I whipped my head up with a snap trying to see through the metal door of the stall. How could she already know? Why did she have to be so dang observant? I didn’t answer her. I wouldn’t lie to her, so I couldn’t believe she straight out asked me. I just couldn’t answer her.

“Reese! How far along are you? Oh my God. I can’t believe this.” Then there was an unexpected excitement in her voice.
“Oh Reese, I can’t believe this!” she said again with a hidden cry. I knew it was a cry of happiness. I stepped out of the stall with my head lowered toward the floor. When my eyes rose up to meet hers, she flung herself at me, hugging me and crying. “I know this is quick, but Reese this is so exciting. You’ll make the best mother, and Tate a wonderful father.” Tate.

I wasn’t so sure he would think of himself as a wonderful father right now. In fact I was sure he would
not
want to BE a father right now. I simply nodded at Elle, tears were on the verge of descending down my cheeks, but I was too choked up to say anything else.

“Hey, don’t cry. It’ll be okay.” But I couldn’t help crying. Then there was a knock at the door.

“Reese? Baby, are you okay?” It was Tate, and he was worried. I tried quickly to straighten myself out, fanning my face to halt the tears.

“Yes. I’m sorry. I’ll be out in a minute.” My voice was shaky; Elle was staring at me, her mouth wide open.

“He doesn’t know yet does he? How long have you known?” Elle was probing now. I had to fill her in. I would expect the same from her.

“Um, I just found out. I’m not ready to tell him yet. He won’t be happy Elle. He doesn’t want kids right now. I…I wasn’t expecting any either. Ahhh! Why did this have to happen now?” I was hysterical.

Elle wrapped her arms around me again. “Reese, you’re overreacting. He’ll be okay with this. He’ll be shocked, sure. But once it sinks in, he’ll be happy. Y’all always said you wanted kids, and a bunch of them. I think you need to tell him.”

I leaned back and stared at her, pleading with her, “no Elle, please, I can’t yet. I…I don’t want things to change just yet. Please. Don’t tell Finn.”

She looked at me for a long moment. “I don’t agree with this, but I won’t tell if you don’t want me to. You know I’m good for secrets Reese; although, this one is a happy secret. It really is. You’ll see.” I knew she was talking about the secret of the date rape she had kept for so long. She’s right, of course this is a happier secret to have, but I still didn’t want it told. Why couldn’t this happen a few years from now? Here we go again. Where would this all lead to? What was God’s plan in this? I had waited until I was married, and immediately gotten pregnant. I had to believe though…I had to believe this was meant to be. This baby was created out of love, even if it wasn’t knowingly created on our behalf. The little voice rang in my ears, the voice that was always trying to center my thoughts.
This is a good thing…you’ll see…it’s meant to be.
Only time would tell. That was the truth of the matter.

was still sick, nauseous daily even four weeks later. It was the end of May and I was nearly eleven weeks pregnant now. Everything I’ve read says I might start feeling better soon…at least once my first trimester is over. Luckily, Tate was at a stretch of away games, and I couldn’t miss the end of year exams, so I was at home alone, driving myself crazy! I still hadn’t told him…I had still not told my husband we were expecting a baby, and that he would be a daddy, A DADDY! I hadn’t told my parents…no one knew but Elle. What the heck was wrong with me? My first ultrasound was scheduled for next week. I had to tell Tate before then. He would just be getting back home the day before my appointment. My heart sped up at the thought of crashing his world. As I was staring into outer space, deliberating my future, my phone pinged. It was Tate.