August 9th (10 page)

Tess, it’s been a wild and rewarding twenty years. I continue to wish you good health, happiness and limitless opportunity.

Dear Tess,

It was a wonderful year highlighted by two family trips.

In December we drove to Squaw Valley for our first family winter vacation. Neither Maggie nor I had skied since college and it showed. Caroline had never been on skis yet was skiing circles around us by the time we left. Ben seemed to enjoy it, too.

A friend from our parental autism group referred us to Carol, a special ski instructor who works with autistic children in the Bay area during the off-season. Finding Carol was a big help and she’s married to Steve, another ski instructor. We hired them both for two hours each morning. We’d all go up the mountain together and then either Maggie or I would ski with Ben or Caroline and one of the instructors. Finally, Maggie and I are past our trepidation of going places and doing things with Ben. It’s been our issue, not his and he deserves the opportunity to experience life.

In June we took a very different trip to Washington DC. Caroline had done so much research on her Apple before we left she had our itinerary all worked out. It was the perfect time for her to have the ultimate US history lesson. We stayed at a hotel near the White House and Capitol and loved being able to walk everywhere. It’s always difficult trying to figure out what’s going on in Ben’s head but I think he enjoyed the trip.

Caroline continues to amaze us. She recited most of the Gettysburg Address as we stood looking up at the marvelous Lincoln Memorial. She also named all the Supreme Court Justices while Maggie and I combined could only name six.

For me, the highlight of the trip was around the corner from the Lincoln Memorial. It was the Vietnam Veterans Memorial and specifically the Memorial Wall inscribed with all our servicemen who lost their lives in that war. Since I opposed that war so aggressively I initially had a very difficult time looking at the wall. Then, for the first time in my life I came to terms with the reality that those 58,000 troops who gave their lives were the forgotten victims of our corrupt leaders. Teary eyed I also searched, found and touched my high school friend’s name on the wall.

We’ve decided to move again and have put our house up for sale. There are four new homes being built on a cul-de-sac a couple of miles from us and we’re looking into buying one of these five bedroom six bath two story houses. Rogers Schmidt continues to be more and more successful
and the partner’s yearly bonus is well into seven figures. It sure makes those 80 hour work weeks seem worthwhile.

Caroline seems to excel in almost everything she does. The exception would be her singing. Luckily she realized this early on and while her guitar sits in her closet she’s out riding her horse, Ernie, or in a gymnastics class. I don’t know how she finds the time to help her dad on the computer.

Can you believe Ben will turn nine in December? It seems like Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) is the preferred method of treatment today even though it was originally developed in the 60’s. The focus is on teaching motor, social and reasoning skills with positive reinforcement when the child shows the correct behavior. Ben receives one-on-one treatment from a teacher at his school who has tailored a program specifically for him. She also tries to discover what triggers his unwanted behavior.

Maggie continues to be very active in fund raising for the autism charity and has become somewhat an expert on the disorder. I don’t know how she finds time but she does. Luckily Sarah is still with us and she’s been a fantastic help. The kids just adore her and Ben has really bonded with her over time. I’m not sure if I mentioned that Sarah has grandchildren, but she’s got six. She was thrown into being a single mom in Oakland at the age of twenty-five when her husband just left one day never to return. She worked six days a week cleaning houses to support her family but still found time to
raise a beautiful son and daughter who both graduated from college.

Sarah really has become part of our family and makes our lives so much easier. We’ve had a minivan for a couple of years and for last Christmas we surprised Sarah and her family with their own brand new Dodge minivan. We invited her two children, their spouses and all her grandchildren out for dinner and gave her keys to the minivan which was in the parking lot adjacent to the restaurant. She certainly deserves it.

Actually, the idea to buy Sarah a minivan was not mine. I suggested we send her on a trip to Hawaii (My usual gift suggestion) but was overruled by the coalition of Maggie and Caroline. When I told them I thought the van idea was a little extravagant Maggie quickly replied, “What’s extravagant is the amount of money you make.” This was the first time I felt the collective weight of girl power in my family and I’m afraid it’s a force I can’t overcome.

Unfortunately I’ve had to stop running because of an injury, plantar fasciitis, which is caused by straining the ligament that supports your arch. It’s my left foot and the only way for it to heal is to stop running. Interestingly, I’m still up by 5:00.

All-in-all it’s been a very good year. I hope yours has been the same.

Tess,

It finally happened. I turned forty in February.

I remember when that seemed so old and so far away. Today, I don’t feel very different than I did at twenty-five although Maggie takes joy in pulling out what she claims are grey hairs from the back of my head. One of the guys at the office insists forty is the new thirty and I’ll buy that.

We sold our house in about two weeks for 50% more than we paid for it and bought our new dream home to replace our last dream home. This 8,000 sq. ft. brand new two story has 5 bedrooms, 6 baths, 3 fireplaces and my favorite, a pizza oven. I think furnishing the house cost almost as much as our first house. I’ve given up trying to understand why most of the perfectly good furniture from our old house doesn’t work in our new house. The good news is that we’re in the same neighborhood and that makes everything easier for all of us.

It’s been a challenging year. Poor Ben had a couple of incidents. The first was a meltdown while we were out to dinner. We don’t know what set him off but I had to carry him to the safety of our car and just hold him for twenty minutes until he settled down. The second problem came at school when he took a swing at another boy. This was particularly significant because, with rare exception, he hasn’t displayed aggressive behavior.

Because of these two incidents Maggie and I now keep a diary of Ben’s daily behavior trying to find reasons for how he acts. We include what he eats, how he sleeps, who he interacts with and anything out of the ordinary. We’re also trying to be hyperaware of cues he may be giving us that are reflective of something he’s trying to tell us believing there is a reason for everything. He’ll be ten in December and keeps getting bigger and stronger. His safety, and the safety of those around him, is always our number one concern. It’s beyond frustrating to love someone so much and not be able to help him, but Maggie and I will never stop trying.

On the other end of the spectrum, Caroline continues to be a wonder child. Now twelve, she wears me out intellectually and I struggle with some of the problems and assignments she brings home from school. Without her knowing it, Maggie and I got duplicate copies of her text books so we could review what she’s going to be studying before we get her barrage of questions. Her favorite question continues to always start with “why.” Her mind is like a sponge and she never seems to forget anything.

Ben and Caroline challenge us constantly and Maggie and I are mentally exhausted by the end of the day. This has put a strain on our sex life and we’ve tried to set up date nights at least once every couple of weeks but most of the time something always seems to come up and we have to cancel on ourselves.

Rogers Schmidt continues to gain momentum as one of the top venture capital firms in the Valley. The innovative technology that comes through our office is never ending and the individuals behind the ideas keep getting younger and younger. At one time being a graduate from Harvard or Stanford or MIT seemed to be the recipe for success. Now it seems being a dropout from one of those institutions can be even more significant, the best examples being co-founders Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak of Apple and Bill Gates and Paul Allen of Microsoft.

We had my parents up here last month and I’m concerned about my dad. He worked his whole life to be able to retire and now that he has he’s bored to death. I can’t figure out what the hell he does all day long but he says he stays busy. Meanwhile he’s put on more weight and his idea of exercise is walking to the mailbox to pick up his social security and retirement checks. I’m trying to get him involved in something he enjoys rather than just watching sports on television. The lesson I’ve learned is retirement is overrated and probably outdated.

Maggie and I did see a great concert recently. Our family flew down to LA and after we left Caroline and Ben in the welcome arms of Maggie’s parents, we saw
Guns N’ Roses at the Forum. Haven’t seen this much energy from a band in a long time and they played more than thirty songs including their anthems Welcome to the Jungle, Sweet Child of Mine and Paradise City. Axl Rose always reminds me of Jim Morrison.

Tess, I had the craziest dream a couple of months ago that found you in my all time favorite Neil Young song, Cowgirl in the Sand. I saw you from behind while you were horseback riding on the beach in Maui. I kept trying to catch up to you and called out, “Tess, Tess!” Just when you started to turn around I woke up. Is that our fate or is it all just a dream?