August 9th (14 page)

PS: As you know well by now I’m somewhat grammatically challenged. I just wanted you to know that I’m aware of this shortcoming. I’m still confused over when to use “I” or “me,” where to use a written number vs. the digit and still have problems deciding whether to capitalize Mother or father. Luckily, at the office my reports can be proofread by others.

Tess,

Utonica.com
went live on January 1
^st
with a big launch featuring billboards in a dozen major cities and a very funny TV commercial with dogs and babies. I called in some favors and we got a special segment on the business channel, CNBC. We also were all over both the financial and lifestyle pages of newspapers throughout the country.

Of course, even with a beta test run there still were some glitches. That’s nothing unusual especially with a website like Utonica that’s so robust. We’ve been very careful to build in total scalability to Utonica, meaning we have the capacity to grow very rapidly. It’s been a wild ride as our registered members skyrocketed from 10,000 at the end of January to more than 750,000 by the end of June. What’s been particularly gratifying is that other than our launch campaign we’ve spent practically nothing on advertising. All our growth has been viral.
People really like to visit Utonica, an average of twice a day, and use our FREE tools to connect and communicate with their family and friends. Then because they enjoy the user experience they tell their friends to join. And, in this new dotcom world that’s the most effective way to grow.

More offers have come and Jeff and I are substantially apart on what it will take to buy Utonica, but that number keeps going up. My number is $400 million and Jeff’s at $600 million. I’d expect Jeff’s number to be higher since Utonica is his baby but either number is a huge amount of money. Maggie, of course, will be happy with whatever we decide. I like to say it’s not all about the money but that would almost be a lie.

In March, I went to what is now my second favorite concert of all time. Part of what made the evening so special was my companion, Caroline. She was home for spring break and I was able to round up a couple of tickets for our favorite, Neil Young. I tried to get three tickets but couldn’t find three together and when Maggie suggested Caroline and I go together I jumped at the opportunity to do something alone with my daughter.

Caroline was super excited when she heard I had tickets and didn’t even appear to be disappointed when I told her she was going to be my date. The concert promised to be very special because it was Neil’s Solo Acoustic Tour and at the grand old Paramount Theater in Oakland, an intimate three thousand seat venue.

I’ve probably seen Neil a dozen times since the late 60’s but this was the first time Caroline had seen
Neil. Because I try to buy a t-shirt from every concert I attend Caroline had her choice of one of my Neil shirts to wear. She chose one of my favorites, a black shirt with white lettering from Rocking in the Free World. What really makes this shirt extra special are the white letters across the top back of the shirt which simply reads “FREEDOM.”

What a fantastic night! Neil was unbelievable! He doesn’t need anyone else! Just Neil, alone with a guitar, a harmonica and a piano are perfect. He sang most of our favorites including Cinnamon Girl, Southern Man, Philadelphia, Tell Me Why and of course, Cowgirl in the Sand. I’ve known the lyrics of those songs forever but Caroline was right with me as we sang along with Neil.

On the drive home I shared with Caroline that she was just a little older than her Mother was at our first concert. When I remarked, again, how much she was like her Mother she responded, “Father, you’ve been telling me that for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I didn’t appreciate the comparison but now I love it! As long as we’re handing out compliments I want to thank you for always letting me be me, and showering me with love and opportunity. I love you Daddy.” And, I just melted.

Speaking of Caroline she’s at Harvard Law School. How can anyone get a better education than following up Yale with Harvard? (Excuse me Stanford and UCLA) She also has her first serious boyfriend. Reed’s also going to Harvard Law and is a star rower which is a big deal back there. Maggie and I met Reed a couple months ago
on one of our trips back to see Caroline. He’s almost too much of a good thing, very bright, very good looking and very much a good guy. But then I’m not sure Caroline has ever made a bad choice.

Maggie and I are facing a very difficult decision regarding Ben’s future. We’re relieved his behavior is stable but constantly question whether we’re being too protective. We just don’t want to put him in a situation he can’t handle. We’re now having conferences with Ben’s teachers, counselors, therapist and doctor trying to make the best decision we can for Ben’s future. If this sounds confusing it’s because it is.

Tess, thirty years ago we witnessed rock history and for a few brief seconds our eyes met leaving an enduring memory in my mind I haven’t been to escape. For thirty years I’ve written you a letter on each August 9
^th
, never sure if you received or read any of the letters. I know it’s not logical and maybe even delusional but I truly believe you received and read each letter.

You probably wonder how I kept finding your current address. First, I must thank the Post Office and their designation for “Return Address Requested.” That’s helped but unfortunately its only good for a limited period of time, normally a year. Realizing this, after the first letter, I relied on your Delta Gamma connection and my friends who were also DG’s. Luckily your sorority, like most, wants to keep current on their sorority sisters, primarily for funding reasons although they also like to inform you ladies of reunions and acknowledge achievements. I did have to create all sorts of
creative stories for why I needed your current address. Hopefully you’ve only had five address changes because that’s all I’ve seen.

Tess, I hope to write you another thirty letters.

Oh Tess,

I am broken.

My beautiful precious Maggie, the only woman I have ever loved, was killed by a drunk driver in a horrific auto accident on a stormy night in February.

The accident never should have happened. My Maggie should still be with us. I’m to blame and overwhelmed by the guilt that consumes me. I was supposed to go to dinner that night with Maggie for the autism non-profit she helps support. Then at the last minute I called and told her to go ahead without me because my business meeting was running late. Maggie had to drive alone because I chose fucking business over her.

Maggie and I had a custom over many years where we’d always end our phone conversations with, “I love you.” On that tragic night, intent on trying to get a few million more for Utonica, even those words “I love you” escaped me. My last words ever to Maggie were
a cold, self-centered, “I’ve got to go.” My selfishness beats down on me with relentless sadness since Maggie always believed there was so much more to life than money and business and would always gently remind me that there is no end to the word “more.”

Seeking help from the horrific pain, I’ve been in grief counseling and therapy, both alone and with Caroline and Ben. It didn’t help me at first and during my darkest hour I reached for the devil, my unwanted friend—alcohol. After a month in a drunken stupor, Caroline and my parents, God bless them, intervened. After pleading with me for two hours they luckily talked some sense into me and got me to start going back to meetings and into therapy. It’s a battle everyday but I haven’t had a drink since their intervention.

It has been terribly difficult for both Caroline and Ben; Caroline because she understands the senseless nature of what happened and Ben because he can’t grasp what happened. Caroline has lost her Mother and her best friend. Ben lost his Mother and the person closest to him who he could always count on. I can’t forgive myself for leaving my children without their Mother. That will never change.

I have many weaknesses, one of which is the inability to forgive myself. Maggie offered me forgiveness when I couldn’t forgive myself. Her faith in me was greater than my faith in myself. She was so pure, so wise and so full of unconditional love. She was my moral compass. When I would want to spend outrageous amounts of money on things we didn’t need she would always suggest, “Don’t
you think we can do better things with the money?” She lived for others and I will do my best to make sure her legacy is carried forward.

I now face many decisions. The first, of course, is Ben. He’s ready to move on with the next stage of his life but what that means still has to be decided. I so miss Maggie’s input and am lucky to have Caroline’s help in exploring all possible options. Caroline’s uncertainty is of a very different nature. She’ll be finishing law school shortly and can write her own ticket job wise. I’d love to see her move back to the west coast for selfish reasons and be closer to Ben and me. As always, she’ll make the best decision possible.

I’m not sure if I even want to stay in this area? We’ll probably sell Utonica soon for an obscene amount of money but I’ve lost my passion to start another company or find the next big technology. Ironically, I face the same personal decision that I am trying to decide for Ben. What are we going to do for the rest of our lives?

No matter whom I’m with, or what I do, I feel alone. Today, all I know for sure is that whatever I do will not be money driven and I will never end a conversation with either of my children with any words other than, “I love you.”