Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (26 page)

“I’m here if you need an ear, okay?”

“Thanks, Mia,” I tell her sincerely.

We separate and go about our night. Thoughts of Nick plague me. Of what he’s doing. If he feels even a little bit guilty. If he truly feels nothing for me. Of what could have been between us if he would only let it. At the last thought, I shake my head, knowing it’s crazy to even think about things like that.

Andrew comes in a little while later to replace Mia, who is picked up by Mac. Neither Mac nor Andrew brings up Nick, although I catch Andrew watching me several times. I’m sure Jase told him he stopped by my place this morning and what was said. He also seems to know I won’t talk about it.

The later the night gets, the more people show up, and the busier I get. Andrew is more than his jovial self, and I know he’s trying to cheer me up. I smile and laugh at his silly antics with the customers, but I know it’s forced, and so does he. Even so, he doesn’t push.

By the time my shift is over at eleven, I’m exhausted. I want to crawl up to my apartment, eat, shower, and drop into bed. I do my end-of-shift duties, grab my purse, and walk to Andrew, who’s handing over a bottle of beer to a regular.

His eyes twinkle when I walk up to him. Before I get a chance to let him know I’m leaving, he puts one arm around my waist, the other around my shoulder, dips me backwards with his head shoved into my neck, and blows a loud raspberry on my neck. It tickles and the scruff on his face scratches. I immediately start laughing and clutch his back.

When he pulls me upright, he has a big smile on his face.

“That’s the real laugh I’ve been looking for all night,” he says, his finger stroking my cheek.

“Thanks, Andrew. I needed that.”

He smiles his megawatt smile, and says, “That’s what I’m here for, sister-from-another-mister.”

I scrunch my nose up at him. “Uh… that would be sister from another mister
and
mother, because anything different would be gross.”

He tilts his head back, like he’s contemplating whether my words are true. A moment later, he lowers his head and scrunches his own nose. “Yeah, guess it would.”

We both laugh, then I lean up and kiss his cheek.

“I’m dead on my feet. I’m heading out. You got things here?”

“Yep, I’m good.” He throws his arm around my shoulders and walks me to the bar partition. Once there, he stops. When I look up at him, his face is serious.

“Things will get easier, you know. Life sucks when we don’t get the things we want, but we get over it and move on. Nick is a dick for the hurt he’s caused you. You push that shit aside and don’t let it eat at you. Nick may come around and he may not, but don’t let him keep you from being happy. If that happiness is with Nick, then you and he both deserve each other. If it doesn’t, then he doesn’t deserve you. He’s still a good guy, he’s just may not be one capable of giving himself anymore. The closest anyone has a clue as to what he’s going through is Jaxon because Anna was his sister, but even so, Jaxon doesn’t know the extent of it. He loved his sister to pieces, but the love you have for the person you were meant to spend your life with is more than that. Nick has to let go of his grief and guilt before he can move on. It’s up to him whether or not he can do that. Either way, you stay strong and believe that no matter what happens, you’ll get your happiness.”

It’s no wonder Jase fell in love with this man. Andrew is one of the smartest men I know. He always knows just what to say. Yes, he jokes around and doesn’t take stuff seriously half the time, but when it counts, he does. He’s always there when you need him, even if it’s just a simple laugh.

“Thanks, Andrew,” I choke out past the tears clogging my throat. “And I love you, too.” He didn’t say he loved me, but what he said, what he just gave me, tells me he does.

After another hug, I leave him and head down the hall to the back door. I’m glad I live right above Jaxon’s. I don’t think I’d have the energy to get in my car and drive tonight.

Once I’m tucked inside my small apartment, I do just what I wanted to do a few minutes earlier: I grab a bowl of food, scarf it down with some water, take a nice warm shower, and drop into bed. It doesn’t take me long before I drift off into dreamland. A dreamland filled with unrealistic dreams and hopes of Nick.

Nick

I get out of my truck and head toward the small trailer off to the side of the construction site. I just left the sheriff’s office with his permission to go forward with the job. As soon as I got in my truck, I called the client and let him know we were a go. To say he was happy is an understatement.

I walk up the two steps and open the door. My foreman Kevin looks up from his paperwork. He gets up from his seat behind his desk, rounds it, and perches his ass on the corner.

“How did it go? Are we good?” he asks. He’s just as anxious to get the job started as the client. But there’s a difference between the client and him. The client wants it done because he’s greedy and doesn’t like not having his way. Fucking rich people. Kevin gets stir-crazy just standing around. I told him I wanted him to stay on site, just in case something came up I needed him for. He’s been here for a little over three weeks. I’m sure he’s jumping out of his skin for something to do.

I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the flimsy wall of the trailer.

“We’re good. I’ll call the crew and have them back here tomorrow.”

Relief hits his face immediately. “Thank fuck for that,” he mumbles, and then says more loudly, “I gotta tell you, man, I was going to give it another couple of days and then request to be put somewhere else. Close by so I could be back here if you needed me, but somewhere where I wasn’t sitting on my ass doing paperwork.”

Kevin’s been with me for six years. He’s a hard worker, loyal, and dependable. I trust his judgment and his skill for getting the job done. That’s something you don’t find every day. I feel bad for leaving him here, but he’s the one I depend on the most out of all my foremen.

“I hear you. If I hadn’t heard from the detective running the case soon, I would have moved you myself. I appreciate you staying behind.”

“So, what’s the news?”

Standing up from the wall, I walk to one of the two chairs in the room and fold my body into one.

“Guy was a cop. He got whacked ten years ago by some gang member whose brother he put away for rape. The cop went missing and they had no clue what happened to him. Until now. Unfortunately, the gang member that killed him was killed a couple years ago. He should still be here to get punished for that shit. The cop left behind a two-year-old little girl and wife.”

“Damn,” he mutters.

“Yeah. That’s fucked-up shit right there. But they released the site. Said they got all they could.”

“Doesn’t feel right working here now. Not that I’m saying we should pull out, just saying it a shame we’ll be working on top of a place where someone was killed.”

“I hear you there, too.”

I lean an elbow on the arm of the chair and run my hand down my face, suddenly exhausted. Now that this shit is over, my body is shutting down. I haven’t gotten more than a couple hours of sleep a night for the past three weeks. If it’s not the same recurring dream of Chris dying in my arms, then it’s Anna. The dream doesn’t happen every night, but damn near. I’ve stayed away from alcohol because I know if I don’t it will eventually become a problem, and that’s the last thing I need in my life. So I haven’t had the numbness to help with the dreams. Just as before, when I have them of Chris staring up at me with lifeless eyes, I wake up screaming her name.

And as much as it scares me to admit, I miss Chris. The first thing I want to do when I wake from those dreams is to rush to make sure she’s alive and well. To look into her beautiful green eyes and see life in them. I know that would be a mistake. The minute I would see her, I know I would take her in my arms and never let her leave them again. She’s the reason why I left in the first place. The need to go to her was becoming too strong. I’ve been here in Kentucky for twenty days. I wasn’t needed here yet, but I knew if I didn’t leave town I would have gone to her. And the last thing she needs is me in her life. I would only destroy it and make her world just as dark as mine.

Being away from her has been torture, but I think I’ve managed to put my walls back up. At least enough for me to be around her without hauling her away and handcuffing her to my wrist. I called Jaxon before I left and told him I was leaving and wasn’t sure when I would be back. I’ve avoided his calls since then, worried I’ll give myself away and ask about Chris. Mia on the other hand has been hounding me since the day I left. She hasn’t brought up Chris, but I know she wants to. I stay on the line just long enough for her to not think I’m dismissing her and then get off. The temptation is too great when I know she sees Chris on a daily basis.

With all this, I know it’s time I go home. I just have to keep my willpower and not go looking for her. It’ll only hurt both her and me.

“You look like shit, man,” Kevin says, bringing me back to the room.

He’s still sitting on the corner of his desk, his hands resting on the edge with his ankles crossed, watching me.

“Yeah, not sleeping good.” I wipe my hand down my face and sit up with my elbows on my knees. “Look, I’m gonna stay a couple more days just to make sure everything is smooth sailing, and then I’ll head home. You call if something else comes up. Work quick to make up time, but do it efficiently. Obviously we’re behind schedule and if we can, I’d like to make that time up, but I don’t want corners cut. I may call a couple other sites and get you a couple extra guys if they can spare them.”

“Got it,” Kevin says, standing. I stand as well and clasp his hand in a shake. “Now go get some shut-eye. I’ve got it here for the rest of the day.”

“Headed back to the hotel now. Holler if you need me.”

I walk out the trailer and to my truck. I look over at the mound of dirt and construction equipment about a hundred yards away. It’s a shame what happened to the cop that was murdered. Out of curiosity, I asked the detective overseeing the case how the wife and daughter were doing. I was going to open up a charity fund for them if they needed help. He told me they were happy and being taken care of. Apparently the widow remarried a year ago to a friend of her dead husband. Another cop. I wondered briefly how she could do it. How she could take another chance on someone else who could possibly end up like her dead husband.

I climb in my truck and pull out of the gravel drive to head to the hotel I’m staying at. This one isn’t like the dingy one I stayed at the last time I was out of town. I passed by a couple different gun shops on my way to Kentucky. The thought to stop and pick up another revolver crossed my mind only seconds before I pushed it away. My dreams may still plague me, my pain may still be very real, my guilt may still be strong, and I may still want all of that to go away, but ending it myself is no longer an option. I realize that now. It’s the coward’s way out.

I pull up to a spot in the hotel garage and get out of my truck. Pocketing my keys, I walk to the bank of elevators that will take me to my room on the sixth floor. There, I’ll have a flat-screen TV, fluffy pillows and a soft comforter, nice stain-free carpets, and a shower with a hot tub. Yes, this place is a lot different than the roach-ridden motel I was at before.

I slide my key card into the slot and when the light turns green, I push open the door. I drop the key card and my wallet on the desk across from the bed. It’s only five after five, but I’m drained from lack of sleep. I decide on a shower before I attempt to sleep, hoping I’ll do it without the horrors that wait for me as soon as I close my eyes.

A couple days later, I’m unlocking the door to my house. It’s late, so the place is dark. I find the light switch just past the small table by the door. When I flip it and the room comes into view, I’m immediately swept with a feeling of being home. I
am
home but it hasn’t
felt
like home in a long time. The place doesn’t feel the same anymore. The feeling of dread I usually get when I step through the door is unexpectedly absent. I have a feeling it’s because Chris invaded my space and new memories are present. Not all good, but not all bad either.