Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (28 page)

Still, I give her what she needs to hear. “I’ll try.”

“Okay,” she says, smiling slightly.

I lean down and kiss her on top of her head before Jaxon helps her up. He engulfs her in his arms. They murmur words to each other, then pull back for a brief kiss.

We all turn toward the playpen when we hear a shuffling sound. Amari lifts her tiny head and looks around.

“You.” Bailey points to me. “Are staying for dinner and are holding Amari while I finish.” She turns toward Jaxon. “And you can come help me.”

“Yes ma’am,” Jaxon says, saluting her. She laughs and rolls her eyes as she walks over to pick Amari up. She brings her over to me. The need to hold her is so strong that I barely hold back from snatching her from Bailey’s arms.

I gaze down at her and fall head over heels. She’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. Her curious eyes watch me. She has her dad’s odd multicolored eyes and black hair, but has Bailey’s small pert nose and rosy lips. I see some Anna in her as well. It clogs my throat knowing that a small part of Anna will go on. Amari is part of her aunt.

I take a seat and cradle Amari in my arms. Taking one hand, I run my finger down her small nose. She graces me with a big smile and starts wiggling her tiny legs. Something catches my attention, and I look down at Amari’s legs. She’s still wiggling and I can’t get a good view, so I lay her down on my legs. Her arms flail around as she tries to garner my attention, but my focus is on her right leg. With my heart in my throat, I lift that leg up and look at the back of her knee.

My breath freezes in my lungs when I see the red half heart birthmark. Anna had the same birthmark, except hers was on the back of her left knee. I let Amari’s leg go when she starts whimpering. I gather her back in my arms and hug her to my chest. Her head bobs back and forth, so I put my hand on it to hold it steady.

Seeing that birthmark solidifies my belief that Anna sent Amari down here for Jaxon and Bailey and that maybe she sent a little part of herself as well. Tears prick the back of my eyes.

Amari and I sit on the couch until Jaxon comes back a few minutes later. He takes a seat beside me.

“Want me to take her?” he asks.

I don’t answer him. Instead I ask my own question.

“Why didn’t you tell me about her birthmark?”

He looks from me to Amari, his eyes going soft when they land on his daughter, before coming back to me.

“Because you already have a hard enough time. I didn’t want to add more to it, and I know you knowing would have. You have enough reminding you of what you lost. I know a lot of people think it’s crazy, and maybe it is, but I truly believe Anna sent down a miracle to help us all heal. That’s what Amari has done, except for you. And you need it the most.”

I don’t say anything in return. There’s nothing I can say. Up until a few weeks ago, Jaxon would have been right. Knowing Amari carries Anna’s mark would have torn me up. Now though, it doesn’t hurt as bad. Yes, there’s still an ache in my chest, but it doesn’t feel as deep as it would have been. Actually, knowing that Amari is here and she carries part of Anna brings on an unfamiliar emotion. Happiness. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.

The same little voice in my head that I want to ignore, but can’t, says it’s because of Chris that it doesn’t hurt as much. Chris makes things seem not so harsh. She doesn’t take away the grief, just dampens it and makes me feel other things.

Bailey leans her head around the corner of the kitchen to let us know dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Jaxon gets up and takes Amari from me. I want to protest and demand he give her back, but I stop myself. I get up and we both make our way to the table. There’s a small reclining bouncy chair sitting on the table, along with several serving dishes filled with delicious-looking food. Jaxon lays Amari in the seat and sits down in the chair closest to it. Bailey comes back out with a basket holding rolls. She takes her seat after putting them on the table.

“Bailey’s birthday is next weekend,” Jaxon says, scooping some carrots onto his plate. “I’m closing down the bar on Sunday to throw a party here at the house. I’d like all our friends to be there. Including you.”

I nod. “I’ll be there.”

We load up our plates and make small talk, but nothing heavy is brought up again. I’m glad I came here tonight. A heaviness I didn’t realize was there is lifted from my chest.

I watch Jaxon and Bailey interact with each other. They both coo over Amari and we all laugh when she makes funny faces or noises. I always thought I would have this one day. Anna and I were supposed to have our own family. Hell, we could have already started one by now. I used to picture us having nights like this, gathering around the table as a family. Those dreams are gone now. My stomach plummets, thinking about never having a family of my own.

My mind wanders to the possibility of still having a family, but with someone else. A little girl with red hair pops in my mind, almost knocking me out of my chair.

I must have made a noise because Jaxon and Bailey look at me strangely. I take a swallow of my water, trying to push the images away. That won’t ever happen. My chance at a family died two years ago. It would be one thing moving on with another woman, but a totally different thing having a family with her. There’s no way I would allow that to happen. That was mine and Anna’s. The role of mother of my child was Anna’s. No one, including Chris, could ever take that place.
 

Chris

I’m standing at the island in Jaxon and Bailey’s kitchen putting candles on Bailey’s red velvet and vanilla crème birthday cake with trembling hands. I’m a nervous wreck. Nick arrived about five minutes ago. I haven’t seen him yet, but I heard Andrew call his name. My eyes keep wandering to the glass door that leads to the back porch, but so far I haven’t seen him.

He’s been gone for a little over three weeks but it’s been only two hours since I’ve thought about him. It’s seems like all I do is think about him. I try to push him from my mind, but he keeps slipping back in. I know he got back a week ago, but I haven’t seen him since the night I’ve dubbed the Beautiful Tragedy. Beautiful, because although I know he was trying to push me away with his words, it still made my body feel beautiful. And tragedy, well I’m sure you can guess. It would be a tragedy for any woman having the man they are with call out another woman’s name.

Pain almost cripples me from the memory. It’s stupid of me to even think about him, let alone secretly wish to see him again. What kind of person does that make me? The type that still has feelings for someone who broke my heart and left me in tatters. I hate myself for it. I should never want to see him, but I can’t help the deep ache I have for just a glimpse.

I finally get the candles on the cake and pull out some matches from the junk drawer. Everybody is outside. It’s sunny, but it’s November so there’s a chill in the air. I’m sure everyone will be moving inside soon.

After lighting the candles, I carefully pick up the cake dish and walk to the door. I tap my foot against the bottom to get someone’s attention so they’ll open it. It’s hard, but I manage to keep my eyes forward and not look for Nick. The last thing I want to do is ruin Bailey’s cake by tripping because my eyes couldn’t stay focused in front of me.

Bailey’s standing by the railing with a table next to her. Jaxon has his arm casually thrown over her shoulder, with Mac and Mia standing by them talking. There are a bunch of other people milling about on the deck and yard. Kids are running around screaming and the grill is going.

I walk toward the small group and a big grin creeps up on my face when Bailey sees me coming their way. When others start to notice me, I start singing “Happy Birthday” and they join me. By the time we’re done singing, I’ve set the cake down on the table. Bailey has a beautiful smile on her face with tears in her eyes.

“Make a wish, Angel,” Jaxon says, looking down lovingly at Bailey.

She smiles back and gets on her toes to kiss him softly. After she pulls back, she says, “There’s nothing I could wish for that I don’t already have.”

“Why don’t you try.” Jaxon leans down and kisses the tip of her nose.

Although I love watching these two, a pang of jealousy hits me square in the chest. I am so happy Bailey has found her happily ever after. Lord knows she deserves it after everything she’s gone through, but I wish I could have even half of what she and Jaxon share.

After Bailey blows out her candles, I walk around the table and pull her from Jaxon’s arms to give her a hug. She’s the sister I never had, and I love her just as if she were my sister.

I pull back and place both my hands on her cheeks. “Love you, Bailey. Happy Birthday.”

“Love you, too, Chris. And thank you. For everything.”

“You know I’d do anything for you.” I kiss her cheek and let her go. As soon as I do, Jaxon’s arm goes around her waist. He looks at me with a tender expression. He’s thanked me multiple times in the past for helping Bailey. They don’t realize that Bailey’s helped me too. She was the best friend I needed when I was younger. She was there for me when I didn’t get the attention a child should get from their parents. I didn’t go to her house and it wasn’t often she was allowed at mine, but I cherished beyond anything seeing her during school and the times she was allowed over.

People gather around us, wishing Bailey a happy birthday and kissing her cheek. I step back to give them room.

My eyes drift past Bailey and my breath catches. Nick is leaning against a big tree with a red Solo cup in his hand. I’m not worried it’s alcohol. Jaxon made sure everyone knew there was to be no alcohol today because of the kids.

Ethan and Hunter, Jaxon’s uncle, are talking to him, but he seems to be not paying attention to them. His eyes are on me and the expression on his face is unreadable, but it’s fierce. He lifts his cup to his lips and takes a sip, his eyes never leaving mine. I want to look away, I don’t want him to affect me so much, but I’m helpless. I want to know what his expression means. I want to know if he thought about me as much as I thought about him while he was gone. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until just now, which is completely wrong because of how he treated me the last time we were together.

“He came by last week to talk to me,” Bailey says quietly, breaking my stare at Nick and bringing it back to her.

“Yeah?” My voice sounds casual, but I’m anything but. My body is buzzing with my first sight of Nick in almost a month.

“Yeah. He wanted to talk to me about Anna.”

My eyes go wide with her words. Even though I told Nick he needed to speak with Bailey, I figured it would be a while before he did. I think it’s wonderful he came forward. Bailey needed that last bit of reassurance that Nick didn’t blame her. Hopefully with that, she’ll be able to let it go. I can’t imagine the pain he went through, though. He never brings Anna up, and for him to openly do it is a big step. I also can’t imagine it was easy for Bailey either.

“Oh, sweetie. How did it go?” I ask with understanding lacing my voice.

She tilts her head to the side, contemplating.

“I broke down into a slobbering mess, but I felt good afterward. I still feel guilt, I probably always will, but I’m learning to let some of it go.”

Jaxon squeezes her waist and kisses the top of her head in comfort. I reach over and grab her hand.

“That’s great. You don’t need that on your shoulders.”

We’re interrupted when a small whimpering sound comes from the baby monitor on the table. Bailey leans up to kiss Jaxon, but I stop her before she leaves.

“You stay and eat some of your cake. I’ll go get Amari.”

She nods and says thank you. I take one last glance at Nick, whose attention is now on something Hunter is saying, turn, and make my way to the little bundle of joy currently starting to fuss.

When I walk up to the crib, Amari spots me immediately and graces me with a big beautiful smile and an excited kick.

“Hey, precious,” I coo down at her. “Come see your aunt Chris.”

When I pick her up she latches on to my hair with her tiny fists and a dribble of slobber falls from her mouth. I laugh at her and gently pull my hair from her tight grip.

“You poor baby. Your hair will grow out soon enough,” I tell her in a baby voice and run my fingers over her short black hair.

I hold her against my chest and pat her bottom. Noticing she has a full diaper, I take her to the change table to take care of it. Once I’m finished, I decide to take a few minutes before bringing her outside to her mom and dad. I sit in the rocking chair in the corner and bring her back to my chest. She looks up at me with fascination, and I do the same.

This little girl has brought joy to so many people’s lives. Bailey had told me previously that she couldn’t have kids. When she told me she was pregnant, I swear I almost cried more than her. Jaxon and Bailey are the best parents I’ve known. There’re no two people who deserved a miracle such as Amari more than them.

I’ve always known I wanted kids. Playing with my dolls and being their momma was a big thing for me when I was little. I would feed them, bath them, tuck them in bed, and read them stories. I never went through the phase of being scared to have babies because I heard having them would be painful. I always knew it would be worth it. I would love and cherish them and always be there when they needed me, no matter what.