Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (27 page)

I move around the house, flipping a few lights on. Even though it’s past midnight, I feel too restless to sleep. Surprisingly enough, the past two nights I’ve slept well, with no dreams.

Instead of going to bed like I know I should, I take my bag of stuff to the closet in my room and head back out to the front door. I walk to the barn, grab a can of light gray paint, some rollers, a roller pan, and a few other things I’ll need and bring them back to my bedroom. The need to paint and really start working on the house hits me, and I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight because of it. I don’t know why I have this sudden need, especially when just a few weeks ago the thought of doing anything with the house terrified me, but I know I can’t ignore it.

I strip naked and slip on a pair of old jeans, forgoing a shirt. I start with one wall, moving everything around on that side, taping off the areas that I don’t want paint to touch, and removing any electrical plates. After putting down a piece of old plastic, I use a screwdriver to pry the lid off the paint can and pour some into the roller tray.

It doesn’t take long before that wall is finished, and I move on to another. Three hours later, all four walls have two coats of paint and the trim is done. I turn and look around the room. It looks strange seeing a different color on the walls. They’ve been the white they were before since I could remember. But it looks good.  A pang of sadness washes over me at the thought of Anna not being here to help. I shove the thought aside and put the lid back on the paint can and clean up my mess. I won’t be able to move the furniture back against the walls until the paint dries. With the room filled with paint fumes, I make the decision to sleep out on the sleeper sofa instead of risking waking up with a paint high.

I take a shower and scrub the paint splatters off me, get dressed, pull out the sofa bed, and flop down on it. Exhaustion hits, and I’m out within five minutes of my head hitting the pillow, once more having a dreamless sleep.

The next day, I decide to do something I should have done two years ago. I’ve avoided it because I hate talking about Anna. It’s a hard subject for me, and I’m already in a constant reminder of it, so to openly bring it up myself is something I don’t do. Chris was right though. Bailey already has enough guilt and pain. If I can relieve her of some of it, I need to.

I’m a dick for not doing it sooner. I’ve seen the way Bailey’s eyes glaze over anytime Anna is brought up, like she’s reliving what she and Anna went through. I’ve seen the guilt on her face sometimes when she looks at me. She feels responsible for Anna’s death, and in turn, my grief and pain. She shouldn’t. I’ve never blamed her for what happened. She tried saving Anna the only way she knew how. I saw the pain she was going through when Jaxon and I walked through that door to old man Pepper’s cabin. I saw how she tried comforting Anna. I can’t let her feel guilty anymore.

I’m standing outside Jaxon and Bailey’s house with my palms sweaty and my heart pounding. Coming to the decision to talk to Bailey and actually doing it are two different things. My stomach cramps with the thought of dredging up the one night that has haunted me for so long, the night that changed my life forever by taking the one thing I would give anything to have back.

Before I get a chance to change my mind, Jaxon opens the door. I’m sure he saw me pull up and has been waiting for me to knock. I called earlier and told him I was coming over, but not the reason. I don’t know how he’ll feel about me being here to talk to Bailey about a subject that’s hard on us both. It’s Sunday, so I knew he would be here instead of at the bar. Sundays are his only days off. I wanted him here when I talked to Bailey, to offer comfort to her if needed. Besides, he’d have my ass if I upset his girl, and while I know that’s what’ll happen during this talk, he and I both know this conversation is well overdue. I’m surprised he hasn’t demanded it of me himself. Only reason I can figure why he hasn’t is because he knows it damn near kills me every time Anna is brought up. Even so, I should have grown some balls before now and come to Bailey.

“You ever gonna knock?” Jaxon asks, standing in the doorway watching me.

I don’t say anything at first, just stand there like a damn pussy.
Fuck!
I didn’t realize this would be so hard.

I stuff my hands in my pockets and look to my left. I randomly notice way off in the distance some ducks wading in Jaxon’s pond at the back of his property. I have to squint to see them. Jaxon’s always had ducks in his pond, even during the months they’re supposed to fly south for a warmer climate. It’s a strange thing to notice in light of the importance of me being here.

“What the fuck, man? What’s going on?” Jaxon demands. I bring my eyes back to him and force myself to do what I came here for.

“Hey, Jax. I came to talk to Bailey. She here?”

Several different emotions cross Jaxon’s face before compassion and understanding are the only ones left. He takes a step back and opens the door wide for me to enter.

“Yeah, come on in,” he says quietly, his voice slightly tense.

“Thanks,” I mumble and follow him into the house.

I smell something delicious coming from the kitchen. There’s tinkling coming from that way, so I guess Bailey is cooking dinner.

I stop on the threshold that leads to the living room. Jaxon steps past me.

“Take a seat. I’ll see how much longer Bailey will be with dinner. You want something to drink?”

“No thanks,” I tell him, and watch as he nods and walks away.

I step further into the room. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Not much has changed, except for a few things here and there. Nostalgia hits me. Anna and I used to come here at least once a week. Almost every night, we were either at home with family over, here at Jaxon’s, at her mom’s, at Mia’s, or at Andrew’s. We were constantly around our family and friends. Since Anna died, I’ve pulled away.

I round the couch and see a playpen with a sleeping Amari inside. I walk over and gaze down at the beautiful black-haired little girl. She’s on her stomach with her little butt sticking up in the air. A pink blanket is lying on her from the waist down. Bailey and Jaxon are lucky. With everything Bailey went through and the prognosis from Bailey’s old doctor, they shouldn’t have been able to have a child. Jaxon claims it was a miracle sent down from someone above. When they told me they chose Anna as her middle name, it damn near brought me to tears. I’ve only held her once and that was for only a minute right after she was born. It was just too painful.

As I look down at Amari, I realize she very well could be a miracle. A miracle Anna made sure Jaxon and Bailey could have. It would be just like her to make sure the people she left behind ended up blissfully happy. I know she would be devastated that I wasn’t. But there’s no way for that to happen. She left and took that away with her.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way
, my mind whispers. I force the stupid thought away. It’s ridiculous to even think it.

“You can hold her if you want,” Bailey says, coming to stand beside me, a smile playing on her beautiful face.

Although the jagged scar that runs from her eye to her ear is pronounced, it only makes her look more stunning. She didn’t let what happened to her define her. Instead it made her stronger. She’s one of the strongest people I know and it’s because she fought with everything she had to get where she is today. She’s an amazing woman and Jaxon is very lucky to have her.

I look back down at Amari, and I’m suddenly hit with a fierce need to hold her in my arms, to cuddle her against my big chest, to breath in her sweet baby scent. But I can’t do it yet. I need to talk to Bailey first.

When I face her again, Jaxon is behind her with his hands on her shoulders. I look at him and silently ask for help. I don’t know if I can do this on my own.

He understands my silent plea and steers Bailey to one of the two couches.

“He can hold her later, Angel. There’s something he wants to talk to you about first.”

He pulls her down to sit beside him. I walk over and sit on her other side and face her.

She looks at me with a fearful but confused face. I glance down at her lap and see her twisting her hands. I grab one and look back at Jaxon to make sure this is okay. He nods, so I start.

“Bailey.” My voice is hoarse, so I stop for a moment to clear my suddenly dry throat. I should have asked for some water when Jaxon offered.

I gather my courage and continue.

“I should have done this a long time ago. I’ve known how you felt, but it hurts too much to talk about Anna.” Her hand jerks in mine when I say Anna’s name, and a hurt so deep it’s a wonder Jaxon and I don’t both feel the pain from it crosses her face.

I squeeze her hand and push forward, needing to do this for both of us.

“I need you to know that I don’t blame you for what happened. I’ve never blamed you. There is nothing you did that caused it. And there was nothing you could have done that would have prevented it. I want you to let the guilt go.”

I stop when she throws her hand up to cover her mouth as a sob escapes her lips. Tears start pooling in her eyes and it breaks my heart. One of the worst things a man can witness is a woman falling apart. Especially a woman who’s as special as Bailey. She should never feel anything but joy in her life.

Watching her break down because I made it so, makes a heavy weight settle in my stomach. I never should have let it go this long.

Jaxon wraps one arm around the top of her chest and pulls her back against him as she weeps. I sit helpless because there’s not a damn thing I can do.

After several seconds, she drops her hand. She closes her eyes a second before she opens them again, water still glistening in their depths. Her lips tremble when she says tearfully, “I’m so sorry, Nick.” When I move to say something, she stops me by squeezing my hand. “No, please, just listen. I know none of you blame me, but what happened to Anna wouldn’t have happened had I not left and come here. She was taken because he wanted me. She was beaten and raped to punish me. I came here and led him straight to Anna’s doorstep. No, I didn’t do it on purpose, but it’s still because of me that she’s no longer here. It should have been me that went through what she did. It should have been me that died,” she finishes on a sob.

“Bailey,” Jaxon chokes out, tightening his arm around her chest.

Her words pierce my chest, and I can’t take them anymore. I drop to my knees in front of her. I look at Jaxon and see torment and devastation in his eyes. If I know Jaxon, I know he’s had this conversation with Bailey many times. I’m sure everyone who was close to Anna has. And I’m sure it tears him apart every time Bailey refuses to believe she had no part in Anna’s death. I’m the loose end. It’s up to me to make her believe.

I grip Bailey’s hand and bring it to my unshaven cheek. Her eyes are clenched tightly shut, but when I touch her hand, she opens them. My throat closes at the anguish I see there.

“Listen to me very carefully, Bailey. Okay?” She pulls in a deep breath and nods. “You are in no way responsible for what happened. That’s solely on that sick bastard’s shoulders. You left him because you were trying to survive. He would have killed you otherwise. You didn’t tell him to follow you. You didn’t ask him to take Anna and do what he did. You bravely, but stupidly, went out and tried to save her yourself. You sacrificed yourself for her. It hurts knowing you would have knowingly taken her place and endured the torture she did. And you
were
tortured yourself. Maybe not as extensively as Anna, but it was no less important what happened to you. Do you think Anna blamed you in the end?” I wait for her answer. She shakes her head, tears still leaking down her cheeks. “No, she wouldn’t have. Would you have blamed her if the situation was reversed?” Again she shakes her head. “That’s right. You wouldn’t have. You’ve got to stop torturing yourself with this. There is nothing that you or anyone else could have done to stop him.”

“I don’t—” Bailey starts, but it’s Jaxon’s turn to step in.

“No, Angel. You listen to Nick’s words and you believe them,” he says in her ear. “This has got to stop, baby.
You did nothing wrong
,”
he says vehemently
. “
It was only Steven. Please, Bailey. Stop doing this to yourself. It’s killing me.”

More pain flashes in her eyes with Jaxon’s words. She sits quietly in his arms, her hand still on my cheek. Her sad eyes flicker back and forth between mine. After several seconds, she nods slowly. She pulls her hand from my cheek and launches herself into my arms. I look over her head at Jaxon. There’s still pain on his face, but it’s not as deep as before. He mouths “Thank you” and I jerk my chin up slightly in acknowledgement. I pray my words help and Bailey learns to let go.

I hold her in my arms until she’s ready to pull back. When she does, she doesn’t go far. She brings her mouth to my ear and whispers, “You need to let go too, Nick. You need to release yourself from her ghost and learn to be happy again. She would want that for you.”

She finishes pulling back from me and looks up. I drop my eyes to hers and see compassion. I know she’s trying to help. Just like I was doing for her. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do what she says, but not yet.