Awakenings - SF1 (65 page)

Ryan had learned this early warning signal and she jumped up to steady her friend. "Are you going to be sick?" she asked soothingly.

A silent bobbing head was her answer. She came up behind Jamie and quickly unzipped her dress. She slid it down her slim body and helped her step out of it. Then guided her over to the toilet and supported her as she fell to her knees and began to retch violently. Ryan knelt down right next to her, with reassuring hands around her heaving waist. When all of the contents of her stomach had been expelled Jamie was stark white and sweating. Ryan dropped the lid and maneuvered her so she was sitting on the seat. She grabbed a washcloth and ran cold water over it for a moment then squatted down in front of Jamie and began to wipe her face and neck with the cool cloth. When she was fairly certain that the nausea had subsided she guided her over to the bed and sat her down.

She dashed over to her dresser and pulled out a long sleeved white t-shirt. Dashing back to the bed she slipped the gathered garment over her head. She reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, slipping the delicate lace off her shoulders and in nearly a single move managed to slide her limp arms into the long sleeves and pulled the hem down.

Jamie looked a bit better now. Her color was returning and Ryan was relieved at the thought that she would probably not pass out. Ryan pulled her up onto the bed and placed a few pillows behind her head. She debated whether to offer her the cocoa at this point. She had slipped a healthy shot of Bailey's into the drink and she was concerned that the alcohol would further irritate her delicate stomach. Nonetheless, she held up the mug in front of Jamie's eyes. "What do you think?" she inquired.

Jamie reached for the still steaming mug and swallowed a mouthful. "I think it'll be okay," she said as she savored the steaming concoction. They sat in companionable silence as they sipped their drinks. Ryan did not want to rush her, so she allowed her friend to go at her own pace. After a good half-hour of reflective silence Jamie was ready.

"You know, I'm mostly sad, but there is a small part of me that is so angry at him that I can hardly see straight. I think that's the part that is making my stomach hurt," she pondered.

"Why are you angry?" Ryan inquired.

"I think he said something just to hurt me," she replied sadly. "I've never known him to do that and it just made me question what kind of a man he is."

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Ryan asked gently.

"Yeah, I guess so," she replied. "He told me that he realized that he didn't love me anymore while we were having sex on Friday night," she blushed deeply at revealing this intimacy. "I asked him at what point did he arrive at this conclusion, before, during or after sex." She sighed deeply, "He said during!" she gasped out as she began to cry again.

Ryan wrapped her arms around her friend and began to rock her gently. After long minutes she was able to continue. "It just made me feel so violated!" she cried. "I thought we were making love while he was planning on breaking up with me." She heaved a few more deep sighs, "Could you continue having sex if you had that realization, Ryan?"

Fuck no!
she wanted to scream.
I would never have sex just to satisfy myself!
But instead she soothed, "I don't know that I can answer that Jamie. Except for Sara I've never had sex with someone I love. It's impossible for me to be able to put myself in his place. But I can empathize with how that made you feel," she said sincerely as she continued to rock her softly. "I'm certainly not on Jack's side here, but there is a chance that he was just lashing out at you for hurting him. You might feel better if you don't try to understand his motivations, and just let yourself feel the hurt," she said tenderly.

Jamie nodded her agreement as she tried to let go of her anger. But she quickly realized that the anger was helping her stay afloat. As she felt it ebb she was overcome with sadness. She rested her head on Ryan's chest and let herself reflect on the 3 years they had together. Images of Jack flooded her mind; his smile, the way he cocked his head when he was interested in something, his quick mind, his long lean body, the way he smiled at her in pleasure after she climaxed. There were so many sweet and loving things he had done for her it became impossible to focus on this one betrayal. But the sorrow was so overpowering that she felt too weak to bear it. Only Ryan's strong arms and powerful body kept her grounded.

It was nearly 2 a.m. when she began to feel a little more in control. For the past 10 minutes or so Ryan had been softly humming into her ear. The melody was gentle and smooth as the vibrations rumbled through her body. Finally she asked, "What are you humming?"

Ryan paused for so long that Jamie was unsure if she was going to answer. "A song that my mother used to sing to me," she finally said, in just above a whisper.

"And you remember it after so long?" Jamie inquired gently.

"Yeah, it's the only one I really remember," she sadly admitted. "She sang it as a lullaby. I'm sure I heard it hundreds of times." After a very long pause she finally asked, "Would you like me to sing it for you? It always worked to make me feel better."

"I would love it," Jamie replied simply. "I've never had anyone sing me to sleep," she admitted shyly.

"Then we're even because I've never sung this for anyone," she revealed.

Ryan pulled down the covers and got Jamie all snuggled in. She slipped off her own sweats and nestled close. She fluffed the pillows and had her friend adjust them to her taste. When she was in her favorite sleep position lying on her left side Ryan snuggled up against her back as she wrapped an arm around her and began to sing the tune.

"It's a cold old world that we're walking through

they ought to tell you from the start.

But it's warm as toast, walking two by two

lay down the burdens of your heart"

"Lay down the burdens of your heart

I know you'll never miss them

Just show me, Angel, where it hurts

And let your Mama kiss it."

"It's a fine, fine line between love and hate,

it's hard to tell the two apart

But what strength I have, I offer you

Lay down the burdens of your heart"

As Ryan began the refrain again, Jamie was soothed into slumber. Her last conscious thought as she drifted off was of the bone deep connection she felt for this woman.
There is no safer place on earth than in her arms.

She felt Ryan slip out of bed just after the sun came up. Not one molecule in her body wanted to follow her friend so she slipped back into sleep easily. At around 9 her body demanded that she answer its call and she slowly stirred. She heard a soft chuckle from behind and she sleepily turned and saw a smiling Ryan, sitting at her desk, in her underwear, pouring over her books. "I didn't wake you, did I?" she asked.

"No, I didn't hear a thing. How long have you been up?" she asked through a yawn.

"About 3 hours," Ryan replied after checking her watch. "Duffy and I went on a run, then I made breakfast for the boys and I've been studying for about an hour," she said.

"What time is it?" Jamie inquired after shaking the fog from her brain.

"It's just after 9. What can I make you for breakfast? You name it."

"Something bland would be good. I'm still a little queasy," she admitted. "I think I'm going to go to Mass at 10:30." She stretched languidly and asked, "Do you want to go with me?"

"Um...I will if you need me to," Ryan replied after a brief hesitation. "I have plans to have brunch with Tracy, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we shifted it to a late lunch. Actually," she said as she rose and went to the phone. "Let me call her and cancel. I think I need to stay close to you today."

"No, Ryan, really. I'm fine going alone. I'll call my grandfather and see if he can spend some time with me after the service. You go meet your girlfriend," she said as she climbed out of bed and patted Ryan on the shoulder. She walked a step or two before she turned back and wrapped her arms around Ryan's neck and gave her a strong squeeze. "I can't thank you enough for last night. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you."

Ryan leaned her head down to rest on Jamie's entwined arms and gave her a gentle pat. "I'm glad you called, Jamie. Now go get ready while I get your breakfast."

Jamie was amazed at the array of items in front of her place at the table. There was a large bowl of slow cooked oatmeal, a small pitcher of cream, bowls of brown and white sugar, a bowl of raisins, a cut up banana and a tiny bowl of blueberries. "I wasn't sure what you liked on your oatmeal, so I brought out everything," she said logically.

"I usually have what Mr. Quaker gives me," she replied with a gentle shake of her head. "I'm unfamiliar with all of these options. What do you recommend?"

"I am a fan of cream, brown sugar, banana and blueberries," she replied. "May I?" she asked as she picked up the bowl of oatmeal.

Jamie nodded her assent as Ryan got to work mixing the ingredients one by one until the dish had the proper consistency. She presented it with a flourish and was very pleased by Jamie's compliments.

"I don't think I've ever had oatmeal before," she mumbled through a large mouthful of the delicious cereal.

Conor came in just then and sniffed appreciatively. "Oooh, oatmeal. Is there any more?" He walked over to Jamie and kissed the top of her head as he gave her a firm hug. She leaned back against him from her position on the kitchen stool as he maintained the contact. It was obvious that Ryan had told him what happened, but equally obvious that he was more comfortable giving her physical comfort than verbal. She patted his hands as he drew away.

Ryan came back with two more bowls filled with the warm dish. She placed one in front of Conor and the other in front of an empty stool. Moments later Rory poked his head in inquiring, "Oatmeal?" as all three laughed.

As Jamie was leaving Ryan inquired, "What are you doing after you speak with your grandfather?"

"I guess I'll just go home," was the sad little reply. "I've got some reading to do for school."

Ryan moved around so that she was facing her friend. She squatted down a tiny bit so that she could look directly into her sad green eyes. "I'd feel better if you came back here," she said somberly. "You've got your books with you, don't you?"

When Jamie admitted that she did indeed, Ryan persisted. "I want to see you again today. My date will be over by 3 at the latest. Why don't you come back here and study?"

"I don't know, Ryan. I might feel a little uncomfortable with you not here," she replied with a tiny bit of hesitation.

"Let me ask Conor if he'll be home. If you're lonely he can keep you company or you can go to my room and read." When Jamie hesitated Ryan played her trump card, "Will you do it as a favor to me? If you won't come over I'll have to come to your house to check on you. It will save me a lot of driving."

"Like I could refuse to do you a favor, huh? Very sneaky Ms. O'Flaherty, very sneaky indeed," Jamie teased her as she easily saw through the ruse.

As they had arranged, Rev. Evans waited for Jamie in the Sacristy after Mass. He was in very good spirits and was happy to see his only granddaughter. But one look at her forlorn face immediately alerted him that something major was amiss. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong now, or over lunch?" he asked as he gave her a hug.

"Over lunch I think," she replied. "It's gonna take a while." They walked next door to the small house that the church provided. The housekeeper had made them a nice lunch before she left for the day and as they sat down at the kitchen table Rev. Evans placed his hand on Jamie's and said, "Tell me what's wrong, Sweetheart."

Before she could even attempt to stop them the tears started to flow. Jamie could not remember crying like this in front of her grandfather but he patiently waited until she was able to speak. Finally, she was able to say, "Jack broke off our engagement, Poppa."

"Oh, Jamie, I'm so sorry. What a sad thing for both of you," he said with sympathy. "Tell me what happened."

"Well, we haven't been getting along great since the school year started. We just fight about little things, and we had never done that before," she related.

"I must admit that surprises me, Jamie. I honestly never saw any tension between you two."

"Maybe that's part of the problem," she ventured. "Neither one of us is very good at showing how we feel," she reflected. "Anyway, it's been getting worse lately. He's gotten very jealous and he really doesn't like one of my friends."

When Rev. Evans looked confused Jamie explained, "Remember Ryan who is training me for the ride?" At his nod, she continued, "Jack doesn't like me to see her, and it had become a big issue. I don't think the issue is really Ryan though. I just don't think he liked the fact that I did something against his wishes."

"Do you really think he called off your marriage just because he didn't like your friend? That just doesn't seem like Jack."

"Part of it is that, but another part is that I was spending lots of time with Ryan, even though it didn't interfere with our time together. He didn't like the fact that I was doing this ride, and he didn't like the changes in my body," she blushed a bit as she said this.

"Still, Jamie, that is a drastic action over some minor issues. Is this really everything? What specifically doesn't he like about Ryan?"

"I think it's mostly that she's a lesbian," she admitted. "He thinks that hanging out with a lesbian is exactly like hanging out with another man. I've got to admit, I've been disappointed in his attitudes about gay people, Poppa."

"As you know, that's not a uncommon reaction, Jamie." He paused to look at her carefully. "Do your parents know your friend?"

"Um
…
no, I've never taken her home."

"But you've been at her home," he said with a tiny frown. "Quite often if I recall."

"Yes," she said as she smiled. "Her family has just about adopted me."

"Why haven't you introduced her to your family, Honey?"

"Mainly because Daddy agrees that I should stop seeing Ryan because Jack doesn't like her. He doesn't understand why I would make Jack unhappy over a friend," she replied.

He leaned back in his chair and nodded briefly. "Do your friends like Ryan?" he persisted.

"Well, Cassie hates her. She is part of the reason this got so bad with Jack. She's been trying to get him upset about Ryan and she's been very successful," she admitted disgustedly. "But Mia likes her a lot. She's even hired her to train with."

"I want you to think about the next question carefully Jamie. You tell me that your
fiancée
has broken up with you over her, your father agrees with him and one of your closest friends hates this woman. Is there something about her to create this emotion or are they all just narrow minded?"

Jamie did as he suggested. She was deep in thought for several minutes. Finally she replied, "I think Ryan is the sweetest, most thoughtful, most kind person I've ever met. I swear there is nothing about Ryan that isn't a positive force on my life. I really think they've just jumped to conclusions because she's gay, Poppa."

He let out a breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose in a frustrated gesture. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time that people had an irrational reaction to a lesbian." He shook his head a little and turned to gaze thoughtfully at his granddaughter. "How do you feel about her Jamie?" he asked carefully.

Jamie began to turn red as she realized that she had to tell everything. "I feel safe with her. She's my best friend and I treasure every moment we share. She is just the most extraordinary person I've ever met."

Rev. Evans leaned over and gently grasped Jamie's hand. He gave her a small smile as he said, "Seeing how your face lights up when you talk about her could be part of the issue, Jamie. Perhaps Jack felt that he had to compete against her. And maybe he thought that he would lose."

"What do you mean, Poppa?" she nearly gasped.

"Describing her as the most extraordinary person you've ever met doesn't leave much room at the top for Jack, does it Honey?" he asked gently.

A deep sigh preceded her answer. "No, I suppose not," she replied glumly. "But she really is remarkable, Poppa. She's helped me change and grow in so many ways. And I just couldn't give her up. Not for Jack...
not for anyone!"

After a moment spent gazing at her face he asked, "Do you have romantic feelings for her, Sweetheart?"

The blush that flew to every exposed inch of her skin was a dead giveaway. "Um, I...
I...
I guess the thought has crossed my mind," she admitted rather weakly. "She is incredibly attractive and I have had a...
romantic dream about her. But that is really recent. I haven't had any thought about leaving Jack for her, I swear! I love her, Poppa, but just because I love her doesn't mean I'm
in
love with her
,
does it?"

"Of course not. It's entirely possible to form a very close and loving attachment to a friend. But you say that you have recently been thinking about her in a different manner," he reminded her. "Tell me more about that."

"I guess it's just snuck up on me," she said slowly. "I...
I actually kissed her on my birthday," she admitted with a furious blush. "But it was just one kiss and we didn't even talk about it afterwards. We've slept in the same bed twice since then and nothing has happened so I think it was just kind of a fluke."

"Do you think it is within the realm of possibility that Jack could have picked up on your changing feelings?" he asked.

"What? That I kissed her?"

"No, Honey," he said. "Could he have picked up on the fact that your feelings are beginning to deepen?"

"I'm not sure that they have deepened, Poppa. I'm just so confused," she moaned. "I suppose it's possible that Jack noticed something. But he disliked her from the very beginning, Poppa, long before I knew her well at all."

"Besides this thing with Ryan, how are you getting along with your parents?" he asked.

"Not great. Mother is very unhappy about my involvement with the AIDS ride. Daddy actually defended me last night that really made me feel better, but I just don't think the issue is dead. And I'm worried about their reaction to Jack's breaking up with me. I'm sure they'll blame me."

"Anything else?" he persisted.

"I just feel like I'm growing up all at once, Poppa. I'm making decisions for myself and no one is supporting me. They still think of me as a child, and I think Jack did too," she added.

"How have you been feeling, honey? Is this all bothering you a lot?"

"Yeah, it really has. My sleep has been way off and I can't seem to keep my weight up. You know how I get my nervous stomach? It's been a lot more nervous than normal and that contributes to the weight loss," she admitted. "I'm down to less than I weighed when I entered high school."

"Have you ever considered seeing a counselor, Jamie? I think this would be a great time to get some professional help with these issues," he opined.

"Can't you help me? You always have before," she asked with a look that reflected both fear and surprise.

"No, Honey, I'm too involved. I don't think you have any terrible secrets just waiting to jump out at you, Jamie. But I do think you're going through a tough time dealing with some very adult matters, and I think you could use some help. What do you think?"