Awakenings - SF1 (77 page)

Obviously Jack had improved in his psychic abilities also because moments before she was going to halt the embrace he gently guided her back to an upright position. "I'm about to lose control," he whispered as he leaned his forehead against hers. "And I'm sure that you don't want to move this fast."

She nodded demurely, now feeling that maybe she did want to go farther just to show she could change too. But he placed another soft kiss on her lips and stood with some difficulty. "I'll call you tomorrow," he promised as he stole one more kiss and quickly walked to the door, leaving her throbbing and frustrated.

"Wow," was all that she could get out.

The next morning she lay in bed for a very long while, just trying to be open to her feelings. She thought she was doing a pretty good job of it, but she found that she was really only able to concentrate on how she felt being with Jack again. Every time she tried to force herself to think of Ryan she felt her brain shut down and immediately turn to Jack again. But that didn't seem that odd to her at this point.
It's been nearly a month since I've let myself think about him much
, she reasoned.
I have an awful lot of feelings to process about him
.

After a leisurely breakfast she spent some time in the living room casually looking through the plethora of neatly labeled photo albums that chronicled her childhood.
Mother sure wasn't very good at being involved in my life but she was great at memorializing it,
she thought wryly as she perused the books.

The first book was labeled ë1978' and showed several photos of her mother and father looking very happy together as they anticipated the birth of their child. Catherine was a very small woman and she obviously did not gain much weight during her pregnancy. Her belly was very protuberant but she actually looked like she was wearing a balloon under her clothing since the rest of her body looked exactly like it had before she was pregnant.

There were a number of shots of the shower that her mother's sorority sisters had thrown for her, the happy looking young women joining in the traditional rite of passage into motherhood. Jamie thought ahead to the future, picturing herself in a few years, surrounded by friends from high school and college, preparing to welcome her child into the world.
It would be a far different experience if I was with Ryan
, she thought wryly.
For one thing, I'd have to get a whole new set of friends. Different parents wouldn't hurt either
, she added with a grimace.

Jesus!
she thought grumpily
. It's easy for her with that fabulous family! They would probably think it was great that she was going to have a baby with a woman! No matter how society treats her she always has her family to remind her of how special she is. But most of us don't get that. And I don't want to have to lose my family if I don't have to!
she thought defiantly.
And if Jack is serious about the changes he has made, I don't have to!

Jack called a little after 10, obviously trying to be considerate if she wanted to sleep in. "Hi," he said happily. "What would you like to do today?"

"Do?" she asked slowly, trying to understand his exact meaning.

"Yeah...do," he said with a chuckle. "You know, like normal people. I've actually heard that some people venture outside during daylight hours."

"You don't have to study?" she asked slowly.

"Whether or not I have to isn't the issue," he declared. "I'm not going to so it's a moot point. Now where would you like to go? The Giants are in town, we could drive down to Santa Cruz and hang out on the beach; we could even drive over to Napa for the day. We could have an early dinner and still get home at a decent hour."

She was silent for a minute, letting his words sink in. "You really have changed," she finally got out.

His voice deepened as he replied, "I've changed a lot, Jamie. Our breakup made me look at my life in a very critical way. And I did not like what I had become."

Her heart picked up a beat as she considered what this all meant. "Let's go to Napa," she said decisively. "Come on over and we'll take one of my parents cars."

"I'll be there in 30 minutes," he promised. "Wear something that you'll be comfortable in at a nice restaurant."

She hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment before she placed it on the table.
Is it possible to do a brain transplant? That sure as hell did not sound like Jack!

She decided on a casual print dress, short enough to show off her muscular legs but long enough to allow them to go to a nice place for dinner. The day was warm and she knew it would be warmer in Napa but she also brought a white knit wrap to keep her warm against the usually chilly evening.

Jack was right on time and he happily accepted the keys to Catherine's new Mercedes. They left the top up while they were on the freeway but as soon as they crossed over into Marin Jack pulled over and lowered it. They had been chatting about his law review duties on the way over and even though he seemed interested in his topic he didn't seem as obsessed by it as he had before. As they neared Napa he gazed at her briefly and said, "I've been thinking a lot about my decision to clerk for a federal judge next year. It would be good for my career but if we're back together I don't think I can tolerate being too far from home. I'm going to do my best to secure a spot in Northern California but if I can't I think I may just go directly to Morris & Foster."

Jamie nearly swallowed her tongue at this pronouncement. From the day she met him Jack had stated clear plans for his future, and clerking had been the keystone of those plans. To hear him casually dismiss this important step was absolutely stunning to her. "But why would you do that?" she finally got out.

He glanced at her briefly, and then pulled over onto a little used access road. He turned in his seat and reached over and grasped her hand as he gazed into her eyes. "I explained to you last night that my priorities have changed, Jamie. Being away from you for a year is just not acceptable to me." He chuckled as he admitted, "I've been away from you for 7 weeks and it almost drove me crazy."

She sniffed back her tears as she leaned against him, relishing the feel of his muscular torso, the spicy scent of his after shave and the rough starch in his crisp sky blue oxford cloth shirt. "That means a lot to me, Jack," she murmured softly.

He lifted her chin and leaned over to place a gentle kiss on her lips. "You mean a lot to me, Jamie. Much more than I knew."

She had been to Napa many times, but never with Jack. This was only his second trip, his first being when he was a young boy. He was very interested in the wine making process so they went on a tour of the Christian Brothers winery since that the was largest big production winery in the valley.

It was so nice to walk along the tour, holding his large warm hand. As usual, he was focused on the details of the operation, something which didn't interest Jamie much. But she got a lot of enjoyment out of watching him try to digest the vast array of information that was fed to them. He asked several perceptive questions of their guide and she found herself smiling up at him as he spoke, admiring the clean, sharp planes of his face, and the bright, perceptive look in his eyes.

Their tour group was a mix of ages but she noticed that the older couples continually gave them appreciative glances. One elderly woman in particular stole a glance repeatedly and Jamie mused that her interest would not be so benign if she were here with Ryan, holding hands and whispering into each other's ears.
This is just so easy
, she thought to herself.
I won't have to endure the sharp glances and whispered taunts that have followed Ryan her whole life. She's so confident, and self assured that those things don't seem to bother her. But I'm not like that! I want people to like me and smile at me when I go places. I really like that people look at Jack and me with appreciative glances rather than hostility. Is that so wrong?!

Their next stop was to the Schramsberg Winery for a nice little tour of their champagne caves. The winery was very cute and quaint and the tour they were part of was very small, only two other couples. The storage area for the filled bottles was quite cool since it was deep in the ground. Jack wrapped his long arm around Jamie's shoulders and she snuggled up against his body for the rest of the tour. She felt so warm and safe when he touched her like this, and she breathed in his scent with a lazy, contented feeling permeating her bones.

By 5 o'clock they were both famished and she was a bit tipsy from the wine samples being consumed on an empty stomach. They decided to go to Tra Vigne in St. Helena for dinner, and since it was so early they had no trouble getting a table.

They were shown to a nice table and presented with the extensive wine list. Jack handed the list to her, always content to have her exercise the skills that he lacked. The server presented the bottle of Merlot that she had picked out and Jack indicated that Jamie would be the one to taste the wine. After pronouncing it acceptable they relaxed and waited for their appetizers to be delivered.

"Can we talk about Ryan a little bit, Jack?" she asked with just a touch of hesitation.

To her relief he did not tense up or look uncomfortable at the topic. He just tilted his head a bit to encourage her to continue. "I know that you said last night that you accepted full responsibility for our breakup but that's not really accurate." He furrowed his brow a bit as he stared at her intently, but still did not speak. "You were right about Ryan," she said firmly.

His eyes widened perceptibly and she realized how that must have sounded. "No, no, not like that!" she hastened to add. "You were right that she was part of the problem."

"How?" he finally asked.

"She was part of the problem because I turned to her for the emotional support that I didn't feel from you," she admitted. "Ryan is very available emotionally and she was always there for me when something was bothering me. Like when I had that pregnancy scare," she reminded him. "It wasn't that I didn't want you involved. I just thought you would be upset with me for not making sure we used a condom. I felt like she would be there for me without judging me. And I didn't feel that from you," she added softly.

"But that sounds like a good thing, Jamie. It's nice to have friends that you can count on like that."

"Yes
,
it is," she agreed quickly. "And I want Ryan in my life permanently. The problem isn't with her. It's with me. Rather than trying to work out my issues with you I took the easy way out and just got the support that I needed from her. That was unfair to all of us, Jack. It didn't let you know what I needed from you; it got her involved in things that were really not appropriate for a friend to be involved in and it let me take the easy way out. In a way I used her, and I feel really badly about that."

He nodded briefly and gazed at the wine in his glass as he lifted it and swirled the deep red liquid around. "I'm glad that you admit that I wasn't imagining that she was interfering with our relationship," he said quietly. "And I'm sorry that I assumed it was sexual and that she was actively trying to interfere. I guess I owe her an apology."

"No, you don't," she said quickly. "I never told her any of the comments you made about her. I'm sure she doesn't know how you really feel."

He smiled gently and said, "Thank you. It makes me feel good to know you don't talk about me behind my back."

She rubbed the bridge of her nose nervously as she conceded, "I wouldn't exactly say that." A small chuckle bubbled up from her chest and she added, "I talked about how I felt about you and how hurt I was by you. I'm not sure she thinks you're a fabulous guy. I just never spoke about what you said about her. And I've never told my parents anything bad about you. I only said that we had some issues we couldn't get over."

"That's still pretty good," he admitted. "If I only have to repair my reputation with Ryan I think I'm in good shape."

She looked at him and asked directly, "So you won't mind if I stay close to Ryan? She really means a lot to me Jack."

"Jamie," he said confidently as he grasped her hand. "She can be your maid of honor at our wedding; she can be the godmother to our children; she can be your biking partner; heck, she can even be your personal trainer. I just want you back!"

It was late when they finally arrived back in the South Bay. He walked her in and they spent several minutes sitting on the couch and kissing rather innocently. But she could tell he was terribly tired so she suggested, "Why don't you stay over...in the guest room?" she added with a grin.

He sighed deeply and stretched before he nodded his head. "That's a good idea. I'm really beat."

"Come on, Sweetie," she urged as she got to her feet and tugged his hand. "Time for bed."

She got him settled in the guest room right next to hers. After a few tame kisses she walked to her room and got ready for bed. Just before she slid into the sheets she glanced at her cell phone that she had inadvertently left at home. There were 3 messages from Ryan on voice mail, each one sounding a little more concerned.
God Ryan
, she thought,
don't be so possessive! Can't I have a day without my cell phone?