Awakenings - SF1 (37 page)

"Sure. We'll head over to 24
^th
St."

They did just that and stopped at The Gap where Jamie purchased yet another pair of jeans and a bright blue chamois shirt along with a pale yellow T-shirt. Another stop at a cute little lingerie store added panties, a pair of cotton boxers, another bra and a pair of socks to her pile of purchases.

Luckily a used bookstore had a copy of her Barnes novel, and she was set.

They pulled up in front of the neat home in the Noe Valley just after 6. It was fully dark and she could see that the house was dark also. "Where is everyone?" Jamie inquired.

"Conor is helping my cousin Niall work on his new house over in the Sunset district. I assume they'll go out for a drink afterward, so he won't be home tonight. Da had to fill in for someone at work, so he's gone all night. Rory left on his tour today, so we have the place to ourselves for a change."

As they hopped of the bike Jamie regarded her thoughtfully, "You didn't have plans tonight did you?" she asked a little suspiciously.

"No, not really," Ryan prevaricated.

"I just thought that this could be a good opportunity to see your little friend," she replied. When Ryan's face showed no recognition, she continued, "You know; the one who lives at home."

"Oh, no, no. I'm not seeing her anymore," Ryan laughed. "I've sworn off all women who live at home," she replied seriously, "Unless they have a really big car," she added with a laugh. "I was thinking about calling my friend Ally," she said with a waggling eyebrow. "But it's never in my best interests to see her on a school night."

"How come?"

"Remember the day you had to let me sleep in your house?"

"Yeah."

"That was all due to Ally. Moderation is not her middle name," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. "You have no idea how much my body will thank you for saving me from going over there."

She felt herself shiver at the thought of what that really meant but just gave her a playful little poke in the ribs as they climbed the stairs. They were greeted enthusiastically by Duffy who acted as though Jamie was his long lost best friend.

"Boy, I've forgotten how much better a friendly greeting can make you feel," she said wistfully.

"Hey, Duffy isn't the only one who's friendly," Ryan said as she approached her and offered her arms for a hug.

Jamie gratefully accepted. As the warm, strong arms circled her she felt herself sucking up the comfort like a dry sponge. As she relaxed in the embrace she felt herself begin to let go again. She began to sob as Ryan rubbed her back in a calming, reassuring gesture. After a few minutes Ryan pulled away a bit and said, "You feel really warm. Why don't you take your jacket off."

Jamie numbly complied as Ryan did likewise. Next she removed her warm up pants and folded both of them neatly. Ryan placed an arm across her shoulders and guided her to the sofa. She gently pushed her down and leaned over to look at her face closely. "Do you drink alcohol?"

"Um, yeah," she replied, unsure of where this was headed.

"I'm going to make you a warm drink to relax you a bit," she replied.

Ryan ambled into the kitchen. Duffy looked from Ryan's retreating form to Jamie and back again. Making up his doggie mind he scrambled onto the sofa and lay his big black head on Jamie's lap, uttering a heavy sigh as he did so.

When Ryan returned Jamie was stroking Duffy's head and murmuring sweet nothings. "I can tell who his favorite is," Ryan stated as she gave him a mock glare. "C'mon Duff, I saw her first," she said as she snapped her fingers as he immediately leapt from the couch and onto the floor. "He steals all of my friends if I let him," she whispered conspiratorially as she handed Jamie a steaming mug.

Jamie took a bit sip and purred with contentment, "What is in this?" she asked with a big smile.

"Hot cocoa and Bailey's Irish cream," she replied as she sipped her own mug. "The Bailey's counteracts the caffeine in the cocoa, so it really relaxes you."

Ryan turned a little as she put her mug on the floor. She leaned over and grasped Jamie's legs, pulling them onto her lap. She began to unlace her boots and tossed them to the floor as she finished. "I want to know everything that happened since I last saw you," she said soothingly, as she began to massage her feet.

Jamie felt herself immediately begin to relax. "I went down to Palo Alto after I left here. The evening went okay," she decided to gloss over the sexual aspects of her evening. But something about the day was bothering her too much to ignore. "Can I ask you a really, really personal question?"

"Sure," she said immediately.

Jamie pursed her lips as she thought about how to frame her question. "Have you ever tried to..." she struggled a little as she tried to adjust the question for Ryan's sexual orientation. "Have you ever tried to get your partner to do something that was painful for her?"

Ryan looked at her with a slightly cocked head as she tried to think of how to answer. "That's a tough one," she admitted. "I'm not sure what you're getting at, but there have been lots of times where I've pushed just a little farther than was probably wise. Sometimes it's hard to tell if a sound means 'Do that harder' or 'OUCH!' Is that what you mean?"

Now Jamie shot her a confused look. "I don't know what you mean," she admitted.

"Do you want me to be graphic? I don't mind giving you a blunt answer but I don't want to tell you more than you want to know about my sexual habits," she said with an embarrassed look.

A myriad of images flew through Jamie's fertile imagination. She shook her head to clear it and realized that she had to be the one to be more graphic. "Okay, here's the issue. Jack was insatiable last night. He really seemed needy and sometimes he seems to express himself only through sex. I think it's his way of feeling close again after a fight."

Ryan nodded in complete understanding. "That's a common reaction to a fight," she agreed.

"Right. And even though his insecurities don't appeal to me
,
I didn't complain. But he tried to make love to me three separate times this morning. I clearly told him that I was too sore but he would not stop. I finally gave in just to get him off my back, but I was really resentful. It really upset me that he wanted to have sex even when he knew it was causing me pain. And it pissed me off that he could enjoy himself when I was just lying there like a dead fish!"

Ryan was unsure of how to comment on this. She had never in her life tried to talk any woman into having sex when she did not want to. And she could no more enjoy sex with an unwilling partner than she could fly. But she did not want to reveal how mean she thought Jack was being. Jamie was engaged to this guy and even if he was sometimes a jerk she didn't think it was wise to be the one to point that out.

"I don't think it's fair to compare how people react to things that are really emotionally loaded," she said judiciously. "What's really important is how that made you feel. Tell me about that."

"I don't think there's any lonelier feeling than lying in bed with someone who's just using your body for their own pleasure," she murmured as she began to cry softly.

Ryan quickly got up and went to the other end of the loveseat. She lifted Jamie's torso and sat down, lowering her back down until her head was in her lap. She started to run her fingers through her hair in a soft, calming fashion. After a few minutes she said softly, "I'm so sorry, Jamie. I can't stand to see you hurt so badly. I wish I could do something to help."

"You are, Ryan. You're doing more than you know," she reassured her as she patted her hand. "But I've got lots more to bitch about so I may as well get it over with."

As she took a deep slow breath and furrowed her brow in concentration Ryan's soft voice wafted over her. "Is this okay?" She lifted a good portion of Jamie's shiny blonde hair and gave her scalp a little scratch to indicate the nature of her request.

Sea green eyes lifted and gazed at her, deep gratitude reflected back. "This is the best I've felt all day," she replied with a sad smile as she covered Ryan's warm hand with her own. "Actually," she amended, "It's the best I've felt in weeks." She patted Ryan's hand softly as she stressed, "It's more than all right. It's keeping me sane."

Ryan gave her a gentle, sweet smile as her hand drifted lower and she began to trace the smooth planes of Jamie's face with her fingertips. It was difficult for the prone woman to keep her train of thought but she struggled to get through her story. "We played golf with my father this afternoon." Here she paused to concentrate. "I was playing well and it seemed to piss Jack off...which is odd for him. He's not normally competitive with me." Ryan nodded to encourage her, but did not speak.

"My father made a comment about bringing you to play on Monday and Jack flipped out," she replied. "He gets angry so rarely, and never, ever, in front of my parents," she said as her face clouded again.

Ryan's fingers grew more determined in their efforts to remove the stress from her friend's face. She worked at the tense lines with both of her thumbs, smiling to herself as she could see Jamie begin to relax a bit. "Then what?" Ryan softly inquired.

Jamie decided not to reveal the slur that Jack had made toward Ryan since it was not vital to the story. "After the round we went to have a drink and my father really wanted us to talk about it," she shook her head sadly. "Jack said that he didn't want me to see you anymore," she said as she began to cry in earnest. She nudged Jamie upright and sat down behind her as she put her arms around her shaking body. "That's not the worst part, though," she sobbed.

Ryan continued to smooth her hair and stroke her back. "It's okay, Jamie. It will all be okay," she soothed.

"The really bad part was when my father agreed with him," she finally got out through the raking sobs.

Ryan could hardly believe how much this revelation hurt her. She felt as though she had been kicked in the chest, but she did not want to make matters worse for her friend. She just held her tighter as she murmured reassuring words to her. After a long while the sobs turned to whimpers. Ryan said very softly right into her ear, "I don't want to cause problems with your boyfriend and your family
,
Jamie. I understand if you need to stop seeing me so much."

Jamie sat bolt upright and got to her knees as she turned to face Ryan with a look of abject panic on her face. "Not you too!" she nearly shouted as she grabbed Ryan roughly by the shoulders. "Don't you understand?" she cried as she gave her a forceful shake.

"Jamie, Jamie, it's okay," Ryan said calmly as she removed Jamie's fingers from their death grip. "I just want you to know that I support you in whatever you choose to do," she said softly. "It would hurt me terribly to stop being your friend, but if you need to see me less I want you to know that I will understand. I'd do anything to make this easier for you Jamie," she said with a tear in her eyes. "Anything!"

"Oh Ryan," she cried as she slumped against her friend's strong chest, sobbing once again, "you scared me," she finally said.

"How did I scare you?" she murmured as she wrapped Jamie in her arms and began to slowly rock her.

"I thought you were treating me like they were. Like I'm too stupid to make up my own mind about what I do and who I see," she said as she continued to cry softly.

"I will never do that to you
,
Jamie," she replied solemnly as she stroked her hair. "Never! I see you as a mature woman who is very competent to make her own life decisions."

"I know one thing for sure, Ryan," she said with determination through her tears. "If Jack Townsend thinks he can control me, he's in for a very nasty surprise."

After Jamie had composed herself Ryan went into the kitchen to make dinner. "We've got turkey and some mashed potatoes left over from yesterday," she called into the living room. "Is that okay?"

"That sounds great," Jamie agreed. She sat on the loveseat with Duffy and when Ryan came back a while later, Duffy immediately jumped off and took his place on the floor.

Ryan ate in her normal hearty manner, but Jamie just picked at her plate. "I know I'm not a great cook, but it's not that bad is it?" she asked as Jamie moved the same piece of turkey around on her plate.

"No, it's delicious, really," Jamie said as she popped the piece in her mouth. "I just get an upset stomach when I'm tense. I'm always afraid I'll throw up so I don't like to eat much."

"You don't feel like you did at the help line do you?" Ryan asked cautiously.

"No, I don't feel faint. I'm just a little nauseous."

"I guarantee that you won't throw up," she said confidently. "Would you humor me and eat just a little? I bet you haven't had much today, have you?"

"No, not really."

"And you didn't eat much yesterday either, did you?" she said knowingly.

"No," she admitted as she looked down at the floor.

"Come on then," Ryan said as she took her fork and loaded it up. "Here comes the airplane into the hangar," she teased as she did a few loop-the-loops with the turkey laden fork.

Jamie gave her a shy grin as she opened up and accepted the turkey. It really did taste a lot better now that Ryan was urging her on. They continued their little game until the plate was clean. "Good girl!" Ryan enthused as she rubbed her head, messing her blonde locks haphazardly. "Now you can have some cake for dessert!"