Awakenings - SF1 (39 page)

"I'll keep that in mind," she said with a grin. "Boy, would that ever be an unfair fight. I wasn't sure he could beat up Ryan," she admitted. "He wouldn't last a second with you."

"That's where you're wrong, Jamie. Ryan's the one you need to be careful of in this family." Jamie was just about to ask what he meant by that when the door to the bathroom opened and Ryan called out, "Quit harassing the half naked women, Conor."

"Now you tell me she's half naked," he whined. "I never have any luck," he said as he gave Jamie a little wave and left the room.

"He's the sweetest man," Jamie said in wonder as she walked over to the bathroom.

"No, Brendan is the sweetest man. Conor is the most charming man," she said with a knowing smile.

"Well, I think he's sweet and charming," she said as she folded her arms in a defiant stance.

"No, that's me," Ryan said with a twinkle as she stepped out of the steamy room. Her hair was very damp and combed straight back off her face. Every strong plane of that face was emphasized by the style and Jamie realized again how incredibly beautiful her friend was.

"I can't argue with that," she said fondly as she surprised Ryan with a very fierce hug. "I'm feeling a lot better today," she supplied. "I think a marvelous massage had a lot to do with it though."

"I'm only too happy to oblige. I don't give a lot of massages anymore, and I kind of miss it," she admitted.

"I will gratefully accept any time you feel the need. Remember, I am a certified pleasure hound," she grinned as she stepped into the warm room.

The trip to Berkeley was quick even in the heavy traffic. Jamie loved the freedom of being able to sail along between the slow moving lanes on the big bike. They were even allowed to use the express lane on the bridge which saved 15 minutes. As they approached Jamie's house Ryan slowed down and pulled to the curb. "Do you want me to let you off here in case your roommates are home?"

Jamie thought for a minute and finally nodded her head. "No sense in making matters worse than they already are," she said sadly. She hopped off and handed Ryan the helmet. Then she leaned over and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. "This meant an awful lot to me Ryan. I just want you to know how thankful I am that you're my friend."

Ryan blushed just a little and returned the hug. "It's my pleasure," she said sincerely.

There were 10 messages from Jack, 2 from her father and 1 from Mia when she checked the answering machine in the empty house. She had turned off her cell phone the day before to avoid being harassed, and this was the obvious result. She dialed her father's office and left a message on his private line. "Hi, Daddy. Don't worry about me. I'm sure this will all blow over. Sorry about yesterday. I'll call later."

Next came the harder call to make. She dialed the number and closed her eyes, wishing that he wasn't home. No such luck. He answered on the first ring, clearly agitated. "Jamie! Where have you been!" he shouted. "I've looked for you all night!" Jamie was shocked. He really sounded like he was going to cry.

"I told you I wanted to be alone, Jack. I'm sorry you were worried about me, but I really did not think it was a good idea to speak with you given how I was feeling."

"Jamie, I feel like you're slipping away from me. I don't know how to hold on to you!" he really was crying now, she thought with alarm.

"Jack, the only way to hold on to me is to let me live my life," she said gently. "I can't stand to have you or anyone else try to control me."

"Are you still in love with me, Jamie? Do you still want to marry me?" he pleaded.

"I still love you Jack. But I don't like you when you treat me like your property. We've got a lot to talk about, but I've got to get to class. When will you be home tonight?"

"About 8 p.m. I've got a meeting for law review at 5, but I'll make sure I'm home by 8 if you'll come down."

"I'll be there. Now don't worry, honey. We can work this out, but it's going to take some effort," she reassured him.

Ryan agreed to drive her down to Palo Alto after rush hour. Jamie got through her day in a bit of a contemplative fog and was sitting in her living room when Ryan and Mia came in just after 4 p.m.

"Hi, guys," she said as she looked up from her book. "I forgot you were going to start working together today," she said as her memory clicked in. "How did it go?"

"She killed me!" Mia moaned. "I thought I was in pretty good shape from going to my gym, but I've obviously been wasting my time."

"You're the one
who kept saying, 'More weight!'
" Ryan laughed.

"Let Ryan massage your legs if they're sore, she has great hands," she said as she blushed a little when she heard the words come out.

"Either massage them or cut them off!" Mia moaned as she dropped to the floor and offered her legs to Ryan.

With a smirk, Ryan gamely worked on the stressed appendages while Jamie continued to read. The front door opened just as Ryan was finishing up the right leg. Cassie strode into the room and observed, "Am I the only one in this house that hasn't fallen prey to your charms, Ryan?"

Jamie heard the muttered, "You're the only one they haven't been offered to," but she was fairly sure that Cassie did not hear the reply. "Does anyone want a cold drink?" Jamie asked as she rose to go to the kitchen. Both Ryan and Mia answered in the affirmative.

Cassie entered the kitchen right behind Jamie who did her best to ignore her former friend. She grabbed 3 bottles of water and brushed past her on the way out. As she handed the bottles to Mia and Ryan she said, "Come on up to my room when you're done." Cassie exited the kitchen and stared at Jamie's retreating form, finally placing her hands on her hips and asking no one in particular, "What in the hell has gotten into her?"

Neither Mia nor Ryan responded to this rhetorical question. Ryan had loosened up Mia's legs and she instructed her to take a long hot shower to keep them flexible. "I'll see you on Wednesday," Ryan grinned as she began to climb the stairs.

Mia turned to a still fuming Cassie and shrugged her shoulders, "What can I say, she's got great hands?"

Jamie was lying on her bed with her hands knit behind her head when Ryan knocked lightly on the door prior to entering. "I'm glad you're here," she said as she looked at her strong friend. "You're the only person who might be able to pull me off her if I try to strangle her."

"I feel a little out of the loop," Ryan admitted. "I don't know how Cassie's involved in all of this."

"I found out yesterday that she has been fanning the flames with Jack again. He basically said that she had told him that I spent every free minute of my time with you."

"I should be so lucky," Ryan grinned a quirky smile. She had curled up on the loveseat under the window, looking very relaxed.

"You sure do know how to make a girl feel good," Jamie replied.

"That comes in handy in my line of work," Ryan waggled an eyebrow, just as she ducked a forcefully thrown pillow.

After a few minutes spent chatting about their respective days, Jamie grew pensive. "Would you mind if I wanted to talk about Jack for a bit?"

"Not at all, Jamie. I'd be happy to listen to anything you have to say."

"Do you think I'm crazy to be getting married so soon?" Jamie surprised herself with this question.
Where did that come from?

"Thanks for starting with the simple question first," Ryan smiled sardonically. After a moment she answered, "I wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment when I was your age. But you are a lot more mature than I was then. Actually, you're more mature than I am now," she grinned.

"But you know me, Ryan. Do you think I'm ready to be married?"

"Before I can render my expert opinion," here she grinned fully, "I have to ask you some questions."

"Ask away," Jamie replied.

"What does marriage mean to you?" she inquired seriously.

She considered this for a long time. "I think of it as a lifetime commitment to share all of the joys and sorrows of life with one special person. I pledge to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with him. I promise to share my body with him alone. And I promise to do everything I can to make his life more complete."

"I would say that is the best description of marriage that I have ever heard," Ryan finally responded. "Do you feel able to honor all of those pledges to him?"

"I do," Jamie started to reply, but she caught herself. "I did," she corrected. "But now I'm less sure. It obviously isn't a marriage if he doesn't feel the same way about me. And I'm no longer sure that he wants me to be myself." Jamie got up from the bed and came over to sit next to Ryan. "I used to be quite sure that he felt the same way. But this whole argument about you has caused me to question a lot of things I once believed."

"How so?" Ryan inquired.

"He seems to feel entitled to tell me how to spend my time. I could see his point if it interfered with our time together, but it doesn't." Ryan nodded her understanding. "I'm really into the AIDS ride. And it disappoints me that he doesn't seem to support me at all. He doesn't ask about my training or anything." After a moment she added, "Although he has been complimenting me on my body," she said with a blush.

"Well at least he's not blind," Ryan teased as she felt an involuntary flush creep up her face. Getting back to the topic she asked, "Did he used to be interested in your life?"

"I think so, but I'm not really sure. I mean; I have changed since I've known you
,
Ryan. I do want more from him than I used to want."

"Why is that, Jamie? What have I done?" she asked, a bit confused.

"You are interested in me. You make me feel like I'm important. You ask me about what I do and what I like. It's made me wish for that from him. I shouldn't have to get that from my girlfriends. My lover should care more about me than my friends," she explained logically.

"You might be right, Jamie, but I'm not sure. It's a rare man that can make you feel connected like a woman can. And believe me, I'm not knocking men. I just think there are things you can get from women that are hard for men to give."

"I suppose you are right. Like when we fight he doesn't want to talk about it or work it out. He just wants to um...be intimate. But that doesn't settle things for me. I don't get over my emotional pains through sex," she said pensively.

"I know that a lot of men express their feelings through sex. Maybe you just need to spend more time explaining what your needs are. There is a good chance he'll try to meet your needs once he know what they are."

"I suppose that's true. I haven't been very forceful in making him realize what my needs are. I've just been hoping that he would know what they are and try to meet them."

"That doesn't seem fair to him," Ryan agreed. "I know from dealing with my brothers that they are often clueless about emotional issues. They really need to be guided."

"You seem to know a lot about men. I guess being raised with all those brothers really gave you an advantage," Jamie said.

"All I know is that it's really different being in a relationship with a man versus a woman. With a woman I feel like I can use shorthand and she'll be able to understand. You need to be much clearer with men. "

"It sounds like it's so much easier being with a woman," Jamie lamented.

Ryan looked at her thoughtfully for a long time. "In a way it is, but there is a tendency for women to identify with each other too much and become too interdependent. In an opposite sex couple there is a push-pull, yin-yang kind of thing that creates a lot of tension. And tension can make for really hot sex," she said with a smile.

"Oh great!" she moaned. "I get all the tension and none of the hot sex!"

"Um...you don't want to talk about that too do you?" Ryan asked warily.

"No, I'll spare you those gruesome details," Jamie replied.

"Whew," was all that Ryan could utter.

Ryan dropped Jamie off in front of Jack's apartment just before 8 p.m. As Jamie got off the bike she leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. "You're the best," she said with a smile as she made her way up to the staircase.

Jack was sitting on the couch waiting for her. He got up when she entered but he didn't make a move to come to her. She felt very awkward around him and she knew that her body language betrayed this.

"Do you mind if I kiss you hello?" he asked shyly.

"Of course not, Jack," she replied easily as she opened her arms to him. He was upon her in less than a second. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and nuzzled his head into her neck.

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry," he mumbled, over and over.

Jamie really felt empathy for him at that moment. She forgot about the fight and just gave herself over to his embrace. But as soon as he felt her begin to relax he leaned his head down and began to kiss her, slowly and tentatively at first, but then increasing in intensity and confidence. She felt him begin to get aroused and she pushed him away gently. "We need to talk, Jack," she said as she locked onto his passion filled eyes.