Back Road Chances (Roughneck #2) (13 page)

Chapter 23

Sam

“Sam?” Kash. Again.

He was constantly knocking on my fucking door. I’m sure he meant well, but I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. Moon hadn’t been back since I first got out of the hospital. He said he wasn’t giving up on us, but he should.  When I told the cab driver to stop at his house on the way home from the hospital, I almost lost it. Taking that ring off my finger was so hard. But I had to do it. I didn’t deserve him. He deserved someone who could give him a happy life and kids. I wasn’t it. I would never go through this again. The doctor told me I could get pregnant in the future, but that would never happen. I would never take the chance of this happening again. I just wanted to lay in this bed and sleep. But sleep didn’t even give me peace. The dreams were horrible. I didn’t know how to deal with this. Sheila told me this would take time. I didn’t want time. I wanted it to go away. The pain was too much.

“Sam?” he repeated.

Fuck. He wasn’t going away. He never went away.

“What, Kash?” I said.

“Can I come in?” he said through the door.

“If I tell you no will you go away?” I shouldn’t be mean to him; he was trying to help. But I didn’t want his help. I wanted him to leave me alone.

“Nope,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Fuck.” I mumbled. “Come in then,” I said, and I turned on my side so I didn’t have to look at him, so he couldn’t look at me.

“Hey, uh, I’ve gotta head out.” I assumed he meant he was heading back to work. I hadn’t really kept up with his schedule. Hell, I didn’t even know what day it was, or how long I’ve been in this room.

“K,” I said.

“Your dad wants you to call him,” he said.

“I know,” I said quietly.

“Call him, Sam,” he said.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do!” I snapped.

“He deserves a fucking phone call!” He snapped back.

“I know,” I said again. Because he was right. My dad had left me tons of messages and texts. I responded to a couple of texts, but never called him back. I didn’t want to talk.

“Look, I gotta get on the road. Are you gonna be ok?” Well that was the million fucking dollar question wasn’t it.

“I’m fine.” I lied.

“Alright, see ya next week.” he said, and shut the door behind him when I didn’t respond.

I grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills the doctor prescribed me and opened it. There were only 2 left. I had taken more than the recommended dosage; just hoping sleep would take away the pain and this horrible feeling in my stomach. My empty stomach. It didn’t work though.  The tears started to fall again, and I threw the bottle across the room.

A little while later, I heard the front door open. Kash must have forgotten something. I prayed that he wouldn’t check on me again. But of course, there was a knock on the door.

“Sam?” It was Lainey this time.

“Please go home, Lainey,” I said, in a much nicer tone than I used with Kash.

Lainey opened the door. That was a first. She usually went away when I asked. Great. I couldn’t deal with this. My body stiffened and I listened for the noises - the little grunts and whimpers that Emma made. God, please. I can’t look at Emma right now. But I didn’t hear anything but Lainey’s footsteps and then the mattress sinking and she lay beside me.

“Lainey, please,” I begged.

“I’m not leaving this time. I’m not letting you push me away anymore,” she said.

Fuck.

“Sam, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But I do know that you were right beside me when I lost my parents. And I’m gonna be here for you, whether you like it or not,” she said.

The tears started falling again. I had missed Lainey. I’ve been in this room, alone, for days, maybe weeks, I wasn’t even sure. My body started shaking again and I felt Lainey against my back and she put her arm around me and squeezed.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” she said, and held me as I cried.

I cried until I couldn’t see because my eyes were swollen and my face was stiff from dried tears. But I finally started to calm down.

“Where’s Emma?” I asked. I knew from Moon’s texts that he was on hitch, and that meant Jase was, too.

“She’s with Helen.” Lainey’s in-laws had bought a house in town when Lainey was pregnant. They wanted to be close to their granddaughter. But I knew Lainey didn’t like leaving Emma with anyone. She was still so tiny. I grabbed my stomach to try and calm the sick feeling that came over me. After a few minutes, I turned over and faced Lainey.

“Sam? When is the last time you ate something?” She asked with a look of concern. I figured I had lost weight; I felt so weak.

“I don’t know,” I said with a shrug.

“It’s a good thing I brought food,” she said with a smile, as she sat up.

“I’m not hungry.” I said.

“You’re eating,” she said, as she stood.

“Have you been out of this room, other than to your bathroom?” she asked.

I just shook my head no.

“Come on,” she said, as she walked to my side and held out her hand.

I just stared at her.

“Up,” she said and wiggled her fingers at me.

Finally I grabbed her hand and got off the bed. She pulled me slowly into the kitchen and then pulled out a chair at the table, motioning for me to sit. I did as I was told, mainly because I didn’t have the energy to argue with her. Besides, she was just trying to help. I remembered the weeks after her parents died and she just stared into space all the time. I had to force her to eat and shower. She was returning the favor. She brought the styrofoam containers to the table, along with silverware and a drink. She opened the box and the smell of chicken and mashed potatoes hit my nose. My stomach growled out of desperation, and Lainey gave me a sad smile when she heard it.

“You need to eat,” she said, as she put the fork in my hand. My stomach agreed.

“I really wish you would talk to Moon,” she said, as she opened her own food.

“I can’t,” I said, as I picked at my food, moving it around so it looked like I was eating.

“Why not?” she asked with her eyebrows crinkled together.

“Because I don’t deserve him.” I said quietly without looking at her.

“What the hell are you talking about?” she asked.

I didn’t answer her. I didn’t want to say it out loud.

“Sam?” she said in a stern voice. She wasn’t letting this go.

“I don’t deserve him, Lainey,” I said as I looked at her, but I couldn’t really see her clearly, the tears were clouding my vision.

“He wanted the baby, Lainey. Even more than I did, in the beginning. He never hesitated about it. He wasn’t even scared. I was fucking petrified! What if that’s why I lost it, because I was selfish and scared that I couldn’t do it?” I cried.

“Sam,” she said quietly. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes it is, Lainey!” I yelled through my tears “It’s all my fault, don’t you see?”

“No, I don’t see that,” she said, as she grabbed my hand. “That’s your pain making you feel this way. It’s not the truth. None of this was your fault Sam, no matter how scared you were.”

“He deserves someone else; someone who isn’t a fucking head case and will give him babies Lainey, because it’s not me.”

“Why don’t you let him decide who he deserves? You’re the one he loves, Sam. You’re the only one he wants.” Lainey said.

“It’s just a matter of time though, Lainey, before he resents me for this. Before he wants more than I can give him,” I said, my voice shaking.

“I don’t think you’re giving yourself, or Moon, enough credit. You are strong Sam, whether you believe it or not, you are. You’re not a head case, you’re hurting. You have every right to hurt. But you might change your mind later in life about having kids.”

“I won’t!” I interrupted.

“Ok then. But you need to give Moon the opportunity to decide what he wants. You are the love of his life, Sam, those were his words and I can guarantee you that if you decide to never have kids, you are enough for him. He just wants you, Sam. And he needs you, just as much as you need him.”

“Look,” Lainey said, but then hesitated. “I’ve been through enough therapy to know that there are stages of grief, and you have to work through this.”

I just stared down at my uneaten food, trying to fight the nausea.

“Have you maybe thought about talking to someone?” Lainey asked, as she squeezed my hand.

“No.” I said. There was no way I was going to listen to some stranger tell me I would be ok one of these days. No one was going to convince me that I could just get over losing my baby, especially not some shrink. Fuck that.

“Will you at least think about it?” she asked.

“I’ll think about it.” I lied.  No way.

Chapter 24

Moon

29 days, I thought as I slammed my fist into the punching bag in the barn. It had been 29 days since my whole world turn upside down. 29 days since the excitement of being a dad was ripped away from me. 29 days since I felt her arms around me, since I saw those beautiful blue eyes shine as she smiled at me. I don’t know how much longer I could keep this up. I had texted her at least twice a day since she got home from the hospital. Not one response. I had driven right to her house when I got back in town, I didn’t stop; I just drove by hoping to catch a glimpse of her. But I didn’t. She just stayed in her room, according to Kash. But he would be gone more from now on; he was going phantom and would be working whenever and wherever they needed him, so that was really fucking with my head, knowing he couldn’t be around to keep an eye on her. She had taken a leave of absence from her job. Lainey said her boss was understanding and promised her job would be waiting when she was ready to come back. She had agreed to see Lainey once, but that was all. Lainey said she looked frail, and that broke my already shattered fucking heart. I hated this.

I bent over and put my hand on my knees to catch my breath. I had been beating the hell out of this punching bag for an hour. It’s the only way I had been relieving my stress for the past month. I had spent almost every second that I wasn’t working, at the rig gym or in this barn. But it wasn’t even helping anymore. It wasn’t keeping my thoughts occupied anymore. Fuck it. I grabbed my phone and sent her another text.

Me: When can I see you? I need to see you darlin

Me: I love you

I stared at the screen, waiting for a response. Nothing.

I hit the shower, hoping to calm my nerves, but it didn’t help. I walked out of the bathroom and did the only other thing I thought might help. I grabbed the jar of shine out of the freezer and took a gulp. Mother Fucker, that was some nasty shit, I thought as it burned my chest. No wonder I didn’t drink this shit anymore. I looked around and realized I didn’t want to sit in this house alone and drink myself into oblivion. I grabbed my keys off the bar and headed out the door.

I sat at the bar at The Canteen, surrounded by old men telling stories, but I was still alone.

“Can I get another tequila, Jimmy?” I asked the bartender, who just happened to be Sam’s uncle, as he wiped down the bar top next to me for at least the tenth time. I had expected him to ask me about Sam, but he didn’t. Joe had probably filled him in, but who knew.

“Depends on whether you’re driving or not, Moon,” he said, as he cleared the other shot glasses off the bar.

“Fuck dude, come on.” I said a little louder than I meant to. But damn, I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. I didn’t need anyone telling me one more fucking thing that I couldn’t have. I needed another shot.

“I’ll trade you a shot, for your keys,” he said with a smile.

“Fuck that,” I said, as I shook my head.

“Alright then,” he said, and handed me a glass of water.

“Mother fucker!” I said, as I pulled my keys out of my pocket and flung them across the bar where they landed on the floor.

“Don’t get pissy, son,” Jimmy said with a laugh, as he picked up the keys and stuck them under the bar.

“Sorry dude, it’s been kind of a shitty life lately.” I said. I wasn’t trying to be a dick to the guy. I was just in a bad mood.

“Well in that case, this one’s on the house,” he said, as he poured me another shot of tequila. I downed it and slid the glass over for him to give me a refill. He shook his head with a smile, and filled it up.

I had been drinking for hours, listening to two old men trading stories about how shitty their ex-wives were. I had had about enough. I needed out of here.

“Jimmy, can I have my keys, man?” I said, trying to control my slur. It didn’t work.

“Hell no,” he said with a laugh, as he wiped the fucking bar off again.

“Fuck dude, c’mon!” I said.

One of the old men stood up and Jimmy looked in his direction.

“Hey Harry, can you give Moon here a ride home?” he asked the man.

“Fuck that, I’m not riding with some drunk old fucker,” I said. Yeah, I was being a dick now.

“This old fucker’s been drinking water. Come on, son,” he said, as he grabbed my elbow and helped me to my feet. My feet that decided they were made of fucking Jello. I walked beside the old man. Partly because he was holding my elbow, partly because I needed to lean on him. I couldn’t walk a straight line, but she was still in my thoughts. No matter what, she was everywhere.

“Which way, son?” the old man asked, as he started his engine.

“Left at the light.” I said, knowing damn good and well that wasn’t the way to my house. I needed to see her now. And there wasn’t a damn thing that was going to stop me.