Back To You (31 page)

“Nonsense!  I heard you were playing music now.”

“Just a little.  I dabble in writing and playing.  It is a fun way to make extra money for school and stuff.”

“Well, keep it up.  It is good to see a young man like you put himself out there like that.  Now if you just give me a s
econd, I will get the flowers for your mom.”

“Um, Miss Linda...”

She turned back around.  “Yes Jack?”

“I have never seen anything like these roses before, e
xcept in pictures.  They are beautiful.”

“Ah, yes.  Those are Sterling roses.  They have a long scie
ntific name, but I prefer to call them Sterlings, like sterling silver.  They are so light they are almost silver.  No prickly thorns.  They have a unique scent from standard roses.  Beautiful, aren’t they?”

“
The most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.”

“Hard to come by sometimes.”  She continued.  “Only grow in certain regions of the world.  Rare to find unless you order them.”

“Hmmmm.  Stunning, rare, soft to the touch.  Sounds like someone I know very well.”  Jack muttered under his breath.

“What was that?”  Miss Linda asked.

“Oh, I was just wondering how much a single rose might cost.” Jack covered himself, pulling out his wallet to pay her for his mother’s flowers.

“Well, Jack, since you are getting a few arrangements a
lready, I will let you take one for free.  Maybe you have a special girl you can give it to.”

“Thanks, Miss Linda.  I know just the person who would love this.”  Jack knew he would never give the rose away.  I
nstead, he took the rose to his room and stared at it.  She was in his life when he discovered his love for the guitar.  She inspired so many of his songs.  Hell, she inspired him to be a better man.  She had made him laugh, cry, think and love as well as every other emotion imaginable.  She went deeper into his soul than even his music.  It was perfect.

“That’s pretty.”  Jack’s mom startled him out of his thoughts.

“Oh!  Mom!  You scared me!”  He laughed.  “It is pretty isn’t it?”

“M
mhmm.”  She turned from his doorway.

Jack stood up.  “
Mom?  How did you flatten out those flowers from when you were younger?”

“Books.  Really heavy books.”  His mom smiled.  “But I think it would be prett
ier if you just let it dry.”

“How do I do that?”

“Hang it upside down with a tack so it isn’t pressed against anything.  In a couple of weeks it should dry out and still look full.”

“Cool.”  He gave his mom a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks mom.”

That night, he suggested that the band call themselves Sterling.  Perfect for a classy metal band with some blues thrown in.  Thankfully the rest of the band loved it.  Once again, he silently thanked Suzy for giving him inspiration.

C
hapter 27

May 1995

Dale and I dated for two years, but it was something that happened outside of our relationship that drove the wedge between us.  A little over a year after we started going out, I got a phone call from Mom.  Richard was in the hospital.

The details are pretty bad, but basically the lining of his esophagus burst and he coded.  They were able to keep him alive long enough for me to fly in and see him.  For the first time that I could remember, I watched my mother fall apart completely.  She had always been so strong on the surface, even if she drank too much as a coping skill.  But that night, she sobbed in my arms.

I was with her to make funeral arrangements.  We laughed and we cried just thinking about what a funny and kind man he was.  I saw him at the funeral home before they sent him off for cremation.  Richard wasn’t in a casket.  He didn’t have on makeup to make him look like his skin was still pink.  He was draped with a sheet.  His skin was grey.  Death had finally become a reality and it was right in front of me.  Everything was so jumbled up inside of me.  But my natural instinct kicked into high gear and I went in to protection mode for my mom.  I needed to be the rock for her.  I needed to make sure that things were being taken care of, people were being fed, and life went on.

I guess most people considered my
ability to be strong in times of crisis, but it was also my greatest weakness.  In the process of all of the details, I never truly grieved.  Something just stopped working.  Dale was at the funeral and flew back to Georgia with me.  After that horrible week, nothing was the same.  It was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Dale.

It was a gradual process, I didn’t notice too much at first. 
By the time I realized I was having anxiety attacks, I had already begun isolating myself from people and places.  Dale didn’t understand.  I didn’t either, but I finally dragged myself to a doctor when my weight went down to about 90 pounds.  I was starving myself to death and had no idea why.

After everything I had been through in my life, I wo
ndered why the death of my stepfather would bring me to that level of depression.  I had always been strong, hadn’t I?  I had always picked myself up and dusted off the past and moved forward, right?  Then why now?

My parents were wrong.  Never showing weakness was a
death sentence.  All of the years I had thought I was just “moving on” was actually me hiding from reality.  With each tragedy that I refused to deal with, I became more fragile.  Keeping myself from feeling emotion was chipping away at my life one day at a time.  The tendency to hide from my emotions was something that I would have to find the strength to battle, with the help of therapy of course.  And medication.

And what did it all boil down to?  My need to feel needed, my fear of being hurt and vulnerable, and my stubborn n
ature.  Mommy issues because of my need to take care of her, subconsciously knowing that all of those years she had been hiding behind the alcohol.  Daddy issues because of my desire to feel like I was worth something to him after he left.  I felt alone and abandoned.  Strong yet weak.  Innocent and yet so very old.

Dale
just couldn’t get it.  No one could get it.  I cried a lot in my therapy sessions.  I forgave my parents and so many others for the things that made me feel unworthy.  I would always want to help others in need like I wanted others to do for me.  And I would always be stubborn.  But most importantly, I would always fight to survive.  I had faith in God and in myself that ran deeper than any other emotion.

Once the therapy and the meds began to work their ma
gic, I felt a freedom I had not felt in many years.  Dale was weighing me down.  I wanted to make something of myself.  I was high on life.  I knew it was time for me to see Jack again.

*****

Jack felt like he was in a holding pattern, going nowhere and wasting gas.  He had gotten his associates degree, but he bounced around, trying different jobs to see if anything was interesting enough to pursue.  He dated, thought he found someone he could eventually marry, but he just couldn’t bring himself to ask.  He didn’t love her like he should have.  She didn’t fit in his embrace like she should have.  His parents never took to her like they did Suzy.  They didn’t like anyone he dated.  So much was missing from his life.  He felt empty.  But he had his music.  He had Sterling.  That would have to be enough for a while.

He had heard about Richard passing away.  He knew how much Suzy loved him.  He even went to the memorial se
rvice.  Suzy was leaning on a man, relying on him to stand behind her while she struggled to stay strong.  For one moment, he wished he had been that man.  But he wasn’t.  Jack just hoped that the man standing beside her treated her well, gave her what she needed the most, a place where she could be the real Suzy with all of her hopes and dreams and even with all of her insecurities.

He wasn’t sure if she even saw him.  Jack hugged Suzy’s mom tight while Suzy was talking with other people.  Then he slipped out and walked away.

*****

Memorial weekend.
  I had broken things off with Dale.  It wasn’t easy.  He was a good man.  But he lacked something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  I was on the road to recovery, feeling pretty good about myself, putting some healthy weight back on.  In April I decided that I missed my family.  I still lived in Georgia, but I missed my friends.  I missed Jack.  One phone call to his parent’s house, and I heard his deep voice on the other end.  It was all I needed to make my heart pound and my stomach magically get butterflies.  Yes, I missed Jack a lot.  Two very long phone calls with him later, I had made plans to drive to Andrea’s for the long weekend and he would meet me at a local hotel.  Then we would both drive to Holden, a little town outside of Hammond, to help mom move into her new home.  We would see old friends, he would introduce me to his band mates in Sterling, and I would be back in the arms that felt so right wrapped around me.

I had traded my boring car in for a used Mustang co
nvertible.  It was just as perfect as I hoped it would be.  I was fighting against the box I had built around myself for so many years, and that car was the perfect way to feel free with the wind whipping my hair.  As I drove down to Andrea’s, I had the top down, singing at the top of my lungs and anticipating Jack’s sweet kisses.

*****

Was it possible?  Was it reality?  Jack prayed it wasn’t some dream he was having.  Suzy would be there soon.  He had to make plans.  He had to get everything ready, perfect.  So much to do...

“Hey Romeo, you gonna stare out the window for the rest of the session or are we actually going to play music?”  Alexis tossed one of his guitar picks at him.

Jack beamed.  “Uh, well, I guess I am not much good today.  Let’s finish this song up and then break early.  Cool with you guys?”

“Whatever boss.”  Alexis wasn’t excited to meet Suzy.  Jack made her seem like this wonderfully amazing woman who could do no wrong.  No one
was THAT wonderful.

Alexis wasn’t stupid.  One night a few weeks after the band got together, they got drunk after a gig and talked for hours.  She knew the story.  At least the story he told her.  And she fi
gured out the rest.  It didn’t take a genius to pick up that most of the songs were written with her on his mind.  It was like he was stuck.  They had the chance to make it much bigger by going to New Orleans to play in some bars there, but he couldn’t let go of Hammond.  Alexis had not been in Hammond long.  She was a student at SLU, but quickly realized that she wanted more than frat house parties.  She wasn’t some talent show “wanna be”.  When she saw the ad for a serious band, she showed them what she had. 

She wasn’t expecting Jack. 
Most rocker chicks get all goofy about good looking guitarists, but Jack was different.  He was quiet most of the time.  Serious about everything, especially music.  She also knew that Jack drowned his emotions in a bottle of whiskey and a few beers occasionally.  But those few moments that she could get him to laugh out loud were her very favorite.  His hazel eyes showed very deep pools of emotion.  And passion.  It was that passion that Alexis wanted to see when he looked at her.  After a couple of years, he had begun to look at her differently.  He was beginning to smile a little more, open up a little more, his wall slipping just a little.  Then SHE called. 

No, Alexis was not excited to meet Suzy at all.  Suzy was going to take the one bit of happiness that Alexis had fought to get for a couple of years.  Jack gave her purpose.  Jack gave her su
pport.  Jack appreciated her, maybe even could love her.  But not if Suzy walked back into his life.

*****

Jack knew it would take him about three hours to get to the hotel.  His duffle bag tossed into the back of the Fiat, he headed over to the florist.

“Hey Jack.  I bet I know what you are looking for.”

Jack looked anxious, “Are they ready?”

“Just let me go get them from the cooler.
”

Jack
practically floated out of the shop holding a dozen of the most perfect sterling roses Miss Linda could find.

*****

“Will it be just one adult?”  The front desk clerk asked me as I checked into the hotel.

“Um, well, I hope not.”  I flash
ed a smile bright enough to light up the entire room.

I got the key and grabbed my bag from the car.  It was hot as hell already.

Turn on A/C.  Check.

Unpack toiletries.  Check.

Look at myself for the hundredth time in the mirror to make sure make-up and hair were perfect.  Check.

Pull out the sexy lingerie I packed for easy access.  Check.  Double Check.

Put the room key in my pocket so I didn’t lock myself out in my excitement.  Check.

Pace and fret until I heard his Fiat.  Check.