Back To You (28 page)

Jack laughed out loud. “A touch of cream, a hint of fresh dill and a pinch of Cajun seasoning.”

It was wonderful.  The whole thing was wonderful.  The sex, the breakfast, his smile.

“If I had known this was a package deal, I would have
brought my toothbrush,” I teased.  Then I saw myself in the mirror over his dresser.  “And certainly a brush!”  My hair was a rat’s nest.

Jack caressed my cheek with his thumb like he used to do.  “You look perfect.”

The next thing I knew, he was kissing me, breakfast forgotten.  After making love, we lay side by side on his bed catching our breath.  Jack rolled to his side and looked down at me.  I tried to cover myself with the sheet again, but he stopped my hand.

“Let me look at you in the sunlight.”

It felt a little strange just laying there while he took in each curve.  When I couldn’t take it anymore, I laughed.  “Trying to memorize it all?”

“As a matter of fact, I am.” He was tracing my colla
rbone.  I touched his chest, feeling the hair running between my fingers.  I knew it was a moment I would remember forever.  He had so much love in his eyes.

“Jack?”

“Shhh.  Don’t speak.  I already know what needs to be said.”

“But we can figure this out.”

“We can.  And we will.  Just not right this moment.  You have so much ahead of you, Suzy.  I just wanted to have a few perfect moments with you before you leave.”

“You make it sound like we won’t see each other again.”

“Oh we will.  I promise.”

“Would you be willing to come to Georgia with me?”

“And do what?  It isn’t like they take guys at Wesleyan.”

“You could go to the other college in town, Mercer.”

“I don’t think college is right for me.”

“You could work.”

“I could, but...”

“But what?  Don’t you want us to be together?”

“I do, I do.  I just want it to be right.”

“What do you mean, right?”

“I mean that you have three more years, and I have no clue what I want to do with my life.  We can’t start out like this.”

“We have each other.”

“We will always have each other.  I will come see you and you will come back home.  We don’t have to rush things now.  We have time.  Time to think and grow and learn and find out how we will do this.”

“And we will do this.  I want to be with you Jack.”

“I want to be with you too Suzy.  I love you.”

Hearing him say that m
eant the world to me.  He really did love me.

We spent as much of the rest of my time in Hammond as we could together.  We saw his parents and hung out with Mom and Richard.  We were a “we” again.

The day I left to head back to Macon, Jack helped me pack up my car. 

He handed me a cassette.  “A little something for you to li
sten to on the road.”  He held on to me like it was going to be years before we saw each other again. 

On the way back to Wesleyan I played the tape over and over.  It had a lot of his favorite songs on there.  It also had songs that said way more to me than words could have expressed.  He had put “Lady In Red” on there.  And a couple of Van Halen songs.  But it was Billy Joel’s “She’s Got A Way” that made me cry more than once.  I missed him already.

C
hapter 24

I got swept up in college life as soon as I pulled into the parking lot.  Carrie and I got the room we wanted, so we began moving in right away.  We had a little over a week before classes started.  The first few days we were preparing to be peer counselors for the freshmen.  It was a little eerie to be such a small group on campus.  It was also awesome!  There were about twenty of us and we had the run of the school before everyone else got to campus.

This was way different than last year’s tearful goodbyes and fearful beginnings.  Training classes took up a lot of time, trying to unpack and getting
things like our phone set up took up more time.  One night we invaded the big screen TV in the Rec room and watched Grease.  All of us sang along with the songs. It was classic.

Later that night I was forced to my bed with period cramps. 
My period was late but that didn’t surprise me.  If anything was constant about my periods, it was that they were never constant.  I had a hard time with cramps, but those were the worst I could remember and my back was killing me.  It was a bit of a letdown from such a fun day, but I toughed it out like I did every month.  The phones wouldn’t be set up until the next day, so I couldn’t even call Mom or Jack to make me feel better.  Carrie took a break from unpacking and sat with me for a while.  I told her all about my summer jobs, the oppressive heat and my time with Jack until I fell into a fitful sleep filled with dark dreams.  I woke up the next morning to a bloody mess. I had bled through my clothes all over my bed, and even though I was used to heavy bleeding and clots, that was the worst I could remember.  At least the cramps had eased a little.  I really hated that part of being a woman.

Being a peer counselor took up more time than I thought it would.  I remembered how awesome it was having a peer counselor last year, so I tried to be the best one
I could for the freshmen.  Orientation, meals, activities, and preparing for my own classes took up so much time that I rarely had time to call Jack, or for him to call me.  Before I knew it, a month had passed since I had left Hammond.

I could tell that Jack was uncomfortable listening to my st
ories of all of the things I did to occupy my time.  He had no idea why I would want to read so many books and do things like color rush. 

With the additional responsibilities, increased difficulty of classes and continuation of Washboard Band, English Society and Comm
unication Club, I had more and more stories to tell and less time to hear Jack’s stories.  I was on cloud nine.  I didn’t notice until almost Halloween that our conversations were shorter and further apart.

*****

Jack’s greatest fears were coming true.  Suzy was in her element.  She was a shooting star.  And what was he?  A black hole?  He grew more anxious as time passed.  Finally, he wrote his fears in a letter.  He told her to follow her dreams.  But he would not be following the same path.  The timing was just not right.  And just like that, he severed the tie that bound her to him, the tie that would set her free.  He would never forget the way she looked as the sun reflected off of her naked body.  It was an image he would treasure forever.  He looked over at the picture of the two of them they had taken when they were sixteen.  It was a picture he kept in a frame next to his bed.  He didn’t want her to see that he held onto something so sentimental so he hid it when she was at his apartment.  He picked up the frame, held it to his heart and put it in a box.

“Goodbye my sweet Suzy Q.  I love you
so much that I am willing to let you go.”  For the second time in his life, he let the woman of his dreams be free of the heavy chains his love brought.

*****

“No!  No no no no no!  It can’t be happening!”  I was sobbing.  Carrie put her arm around me and led me outside.  When Carrie pried the letter Jack sent from my clenched hands, I dropped to the steps and put my head in my hands crying my heart out.

“How could I have done this?  I try to do too much and
neglected him.  I am not a shooting star, I am a loser.  I finally had him back Carrie!  I finally had him back.”

I don’t remember much about the next couple of days.  When I wasn’t walking around like a zombie, I was frantically cal
ling him, trying to get him to answer the phone.  He wouldn’t.  I wrote him back, begging him to reconsider.  I prayed like I had never prayed before, asking God to give me another chance.  And crying even harder when I realized that God had indeed given me the chance I had begged for over the years.  And I blew it.

Thanksgiving break was just around the corner.  I w
as going home to be with Mom.  Thankfully, Carrie was coming too.  It was a relief to have someone in the car with me to break up my thoughts of Jack.  She did everything she could to cheer me up. 

When we got to my house, I was surprised to find my grandmother and uncle had flown in for a visit. 
Mom had moved to a different house after I graduated, and our house was not very big.  Having that many people sleeping there presented a challenge.  Grandma slept with my mom.  Uncle Butch slept in my room and Richard took the couch.  Carrie and I were stuck on an air mattress on the floor in the living room.  Poops took great pleasure in curling up around my feet, just like the old days.  Of course with all of the sleeping bodies also came plenty of snoring.  It was so bad that Carrie and I stayed up most of the night giggling and whispering, waiting for my uncle to get up so we could steal a few hours of sleep in my bed.

I showed Carrie around town, taking her to Augustine’s to meet Megan and a few more friends.  I knew that Jack had disco
nnected his phone and moved from his apartment.  I didn’t know where he had gone, but he wasn’t anywhere in Hammond.  Some people said he had moved closer to New Orleans and never came back to Hammond.  That didn’t stop me from looking up and wishing it was Jack walking in every time I heard the door open to Augustine’s.  But he never showed.  I was devastated. 

Back at school I survived finals and papers, throwing myself into my work and avoiding every single person I could.  Except Ca
rrie.  She wasn’t going anywhere.  Besides she lived in the same room with me.  I had no choice.

After finals it was time to go home again.  I braved the drive alone, losing myself in thoughts and worries.  Christmas just wasn’t the same.  I still sat in the dark listening to Christmas music and watching the lights blink away on the tree.  There was
very little for me to be happy about though.  I was lost in thought.  I realized that I had to go on with my life.  Jack had left me.  He had disappeared from my life.  I couldn’t even write about it.  The wounds were too raw.

College life continued.  By the end of my sophomore year, they held elections for class president for junior year.  I ran.  I won.  I still sang with Washboard Band.  I was still an overachiever and co
ntinued my path to get two BA degrees in four years.  I was consumed.  I had also been working two jobs that semester.  One in the admissions office and the other at the Mexican place.  When I went home, my job as a hostess would be waiting for me.

During the s
ummer I was busy working at the restaurant and also at the college for truck drivers where my mom worked.  I was around the instructors and students a lot.  Some of them were kind of creepy, but most of them were just really nice “good ole boys” with some rough edges.

One night a few of the guys were going out to a local bar.  The bar
was new and had a little dance floor, a few pool tables and lots of people.  At the school, we had gotten in a new group of students, one of which was the typical bad boy who was really nice underneath.  He was out with us that night.  By “us”, I mean the mechanic (unhappily married with a crush on me), the youngest of the instructors (happily UN-married and no interest in me whatsoever), Billy (the student) and a couple of women who went to the vocational part of the school to learn to be physician assistants.

Of course I saw
a lot of people I had known forever.  I was laughing at a joke Billy had made and got up to get another drink.  That was when I saw him.  Jack was standing at the bar watching me approach with anger in his eyes.  It was hard to keep walking with my head held high, but I did.  I just wanted to talk to him.  See if we could work things out again.  By the look on his face, I wasn’t so sure I would be able to speak at all.

*****

He couldn’t believe his eyes.  His first night back in Hammond since November and there she was.  It felt like a knife sliced through his abdomen.  She was sitting with a guy, laughing as if life was just one happy day after another.  He felt the anger and frustration and sadness from the last few months come bubbling to the top.

When she got up to go to the bar, he froze, not sure what
to do next.  Confront her?  Act as if nothing happened?  Walk away?  Scream?  Cry?

He saw the look on her face as she got closer to him.  She held her head high as she made her way toward him.  In just enough time, he got up the courage to move. 
He slammed back his drink and left her standing at the bar looking after him.  He walked out without speaking a word to her.  She had moved on, just like he told her to.  He had not been so fortunate.  He wanted Suzy to think that he was fine.  Talking to her was not an option because his emotions would give him away.  Then he did something in his drunken fit of emotions he would regret.

*****

I was confused.  I saw him there.  He was upset.  I wanted to talk to him, ask him to take me back, to forgive me for not being there for him.  But he walked away without saying a word.  I was crushed. 

I
’m not sure how long I stood there before Billy came up behind me and led me back to the table.  He went back to the bar and got me a strong drink and some water, not knowing which I would prefer at the moment.  It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the guy he saw leave in a huff was someone important to me.

“The way I see it, you have two options.  One, you can drink until you are shitfaced, possibly embarrassing yourself and
definitely waking up with a major headache.”

I rolled my eyes his direction.

“Or two, you can drink some water, be completely sober, and wake up exactly the same as you are now.”

This time I put my head on my
folded arms on the table.

“Of course there is also the exclusive option number three for a limited time only.”  He grinned.

“Yeah?”  I mumbled into my arm and then sat up.  “What’s that?”

With a teasing grin and wiggle of his eyebrows, he said, “You can come with me and let me cheer you up.  Then you could wake up in some warm arms...”

“Ugh.”  I said as I dropped my head back into my arms.  His smile slipped a little.  I felt bad for hurting his feelings.  “Sorry, it’s not you.  I am sure your arms are very nice to wake up in, but I just...I just...can’t.”

“That bad huh?”

“The worst.  He was supposed to be my ‘forever’.  I screwed it up.  I got too busy.  I don’t know.”

“How about a fourth option?”

“Dare I ask?”

“A shoulder to cry on.”

“That sounds great, but I think I am just going to go home.  Rain check?”

“Absolutely.  Should I walk you to your car?”

“Nah.  I am right in front tonight.”

“See you tomorrow then?”

“Yep.  Bright and early.” 

I gave him a half hearted hug and went to my car.  Under the handle of the driver’s side door was a folded up napkin.  I stopped, feeling cold chills throughout my body.  I dared not hope that it was an apology from Jack.  A note that said he loved me and wanted me back.  Something held me back from grabbing it and reading it i
nstantly.  Damn intuition.  I waited until I got in the car to open it.  It just had one word. 
Whore.

It was Jack’s handwriting.

*****

Jack lay on his back in the grass by the lake.  His favo
rite place to think.  And drink.  He regretted leaving the note already.  He knew it wasn’t true.  And yet he wondered if maybe he didn’t write it to make himself believe that about her.  Not that he ever would.  Severing the ties with Suzy was harder than he thought it would be, if that was possible.  With a bottle of Jack Daniels and a six pack of Budweiser, Jack drank himself into oblivion.  He had no recollection of how he got home.  He didn’t care.  In fact he welcomed the misery he felt as the whiskey wore off to a splitting headache and a rolling stomach.

*****

By the time I got to work the next day I had passed through every emotion I could think of, and even a few that didn’t even have names.  Shock.  Hurt.  Sadness. Fury.  I held onto fury for my own sake, otherwise I would have imploded.  The guys left me alone most of the day when they heard me muttering expletives under my breath and snapping at anyone who came within ten feet of me.