Bad Girlfriend (13 page)

Kate

Days turned into weeks and within those weeks, I never felt more alive. I packed up my tiny apartment and moved to Boston with Gabe. I made sure to take care of all my after-life arrangements before I left. He took a leave of absence from his job, although I told him not to, but of course, he didn’t listen. However, being with Gabe has given my life a whole new meaning.

I loved him. It happened almost immediately and without warning. I came that week with the intention to live my life as carefree and spontaneous as possible, which lead to the very last thing I thought I’d ever say—I wanted to marry him.

“So, do you think you accomplished everything on your bucket list yet?” he asks one morning as I sit at the breakfast bar with my licorice whip in my can of Dr. Pepper. The first time he saw me do that, he laughed so hard, he nearly peed himself. It was those small moments of finding new things out about each other that’s been the best part of being here with him every day.

“Not quite. Almost though,” I reply as I watch him work in the kitchen.

“What are we missing?” The look on his face is filled with concern, and I know I have to tell him.

“I actually added a new one.”

“Okay, what is it?”

Butterflies invade my stomach as goose bumps covered my skin. We’ve never talked about this before, so I’m not sure how he’s going to react, but the last thing I have time for is being hesitant. It’s now or never.

“To become your wife,” I said with certainty.

His hard stare becomes intense, and I worry I’ve crossed some imaginary line. Finally, he blinks and says, “Right now.”

“What?”

“I want to marry you, Kate.” His eyes are so genuine; I can barely breathe while staring into them.

“You do?” I swallow.

“Of course. I was afraid to mention it. I thought maybe you’d think I was crazy or something.”

“Well…” I tease.

He comes closer, cupping my face in his hands as he looks into my eyes. “Will you marry me, Kate?”

His voice is so sweet and his touch is so tender. I would never deny this man anything, ever.

“Of course I will.” He presses our lips together and forty-eight hours later, we’re on a plane to Vegas.

Some might say we’re rushing it. We’re making quick decisions based off what’s to happen. Will a piece of paper really change our reality? No. But marrying him will at least make all of this worth it. Knowing we made promises to each other, no matter how much time is left, makes every moment with him worth it.

Falling in love with him was the last thing I set out to do, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Fate included him in the plan all along.

Instead of making a new list, I edited the old one.

Bucket List #1:
Don’t fall in love.
Fall hopelessly in love.

And added one more.

Bucket List #25: Give one reason as to how being a bad girlfriend paid off.

Meeting Gabe.

Gabe

Thirteen months ago, the world gained an angel and I lost the only person in my life that I loved. She was eleven and smart as a whip. She’d been battling Leukemia for two years and finally one day, she was done fighting. Her body shut down, and I held her as I whispered in her ear, “It’s okay, Sophia. You can stop smiling now.”

The day after her funeral, I got
Never Stop Smiling
tattooed on my chest underneath a purple lily. It helped me feel closer to her even with her being gone.

However, the days following, I was the worst version of myself that I’d ever felt. I barely remember, everything feels like such a blur, but I remember the pain. That’s something that I can always count on being around.

Three months ago, I met Kate and my life turned upside down. I can’t explain why she was meant to come into my life, but feeling that same pain over again has been worth it. As much as she was fighting for survival, she was giving me a reason to live my life again. Losing her felt like my heart was being ripped out again, but at least this time, I knew what to expect.

Things got worse, as I suspected they would. She’d been getting sicker and her body was too weak to walk anymore. She agreed to a wheelchair, but she wasn’t happy about it. She wanted to use a cane, but just walking from the bedroom to the bathroom had her out of breath. She’d cringe from the pain, but insisted she was fine.

After Natalee found out, she stopped everything she was doing, just like Kate hadn’t wanted her to, and spent as much time as she could with her. She drove up on the weekends and hired around-the-clock care, making sure her fluids were kept up, and that she wasn’t suffering.

Weeks later, Natalee found out she was expecting, and I had the pleasure of winning our non-bet. Although she was happy to say I won, she knew she wouldn’t be around long enough to meet the baby. And I knew that devastated the both of them.

One night as I stood in the hallway outside the bedroom, I heard her talking to Natalee.

“Promise me something?”

“Anything.” I heard Natalee’s eager voice.

“Be happy. Enjoy your pregnancy. Go to birthing classes. Have a baby shower. Decorate the nursery and buy too many baby clothes.” I could hear Natalee choking up and wiping tears off her cheeks. “And promise you’ll sing and read to him or her, even if you’re feeling sad. Record your belly movements and take a lot of pictures. I don’t want you to miss one happy thing, do you hear me?” Kate’s voice was gravelly and weak, but I could hear every word. As much as she was trying to put Natalee at ease, she wouldn’t go without hearing her promise it to her.

“Okay, I promise, Katie Bear.” I could tell her words were surrounded by tears. “I’m going to tell him or her all about you, I swear.”

“Only the good stuff, okay?”

They both laughed.

“Okay.”

The next night as I sit on the side of her bed, she looks up at me for the last time.

“Gabe?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Remember the night you begged me to stay?” I nod. “I need you to promise me those things again,” she forces out, her eyelids weighing heavy over her eyes. “Promise me that you’ll move on after me. Grieve for a year and move forward. I need to know you’ll allow yourself to be happy again.”

“Do we have to talk about this?”

I hate when she talked about this stuff. It’s so morbid.

“Gabe,” she says sternly. “Promise me.”

I inhale audibly, letting her know that this wasn’t going to be an easy promise to keep.

“One year, Gabe. Say it.”

“Fine,” I finally give in. “One year.”

“And you’ll move on.”

“And I’ll
attempt
to move on. I can’t guarantee anyone’s going to want me considering the hot mess I’ll be in. Fifty pounds heavier with a beer gut, Santa Claus beard, a unibrow.”

“No joking,” she says on a choke of laughter.

I bend down and kiss her forehead, letting my lips linger against her cold skin for a moment. Then, I whisper, “Okay, Kate. I promise.”

“One more thing,” she adds.

“What’s that, sweetheart?”

“When you’re ready, whether it be a week later or year later, I want you to read my letter.” Her tone is persistent, but I shake my head ‘no’ anyway. She’d been writing during the days she felt well enough to, but I didn’t like thinking about it, thinking about how she was writing a letter about the inevitable.

“Please,” she begs. “For me?”

I swallow, my throat burning. “Okay,” I finally agree, nodding my head to reassure her I will.

“I love you.” I cover my hand with hers as I watch her fight to even get those last words out.

I press my forehead to hers and whisper, “I’ll never stop loving you, Kate. For as long as I live. I promise.”

She sighs with a pleased smile.

For the rest of the night, I stayed with her in bed, warming her up with my body heat, and whispering all the memories we were able to share together. She laughed lightly, but soon sleep took over, and she was too weak to fight it.

Twenty-four hours later, she took her last breath.

She was surrounded by love and tears. I held her body against mine as Natalee gripped her hand, whispering the Lord’s Prayer. Trace stood behind Nat, consoling her the best he could.

Once her kidneys began to fail, we knew her time was coming to an end. We knew because she told us she could feel it. I knew Kate well enough to know she was going to go on her own terms, when she’d said everything she wanted to say, and when she had, she closed her eyes, and exhaled one last time, breathing the last part of her into the air around us.

She was gone, but she’d always be here with us. That much I knew for certain.

Gabe

A year and a half later…

It’s one of those perfect, bright, sunny days where the sky is cloudless and the birds are singing above. The waves slam against the rocks, shooting water up onto the wooden dock as seagulls fly low for a chance to catch some fish.

South Carolina is drastically different from the Boston lifestyle I was living. Staying at a beach house just along the Edisto shore is just what I needed. After spending months living in the clouds again, Trace nearly forced me to take a vacation.
Go somewhere to make new memories,
he’d said.
Allow yourself to feel happy
, Natalee encouraged. Deep down, I knew they were right. I knew they wanted me to move on, but the desire to meet someone new just wasn’t there. Her memories still held so close inside me.

I walk up to the lighthouse, interested to see what’s inside, if anything at all. It was just outside my rental house and my interest was piqued enough to finally walk out here and find out for myself.

The wooden door isn’t locked so I push it open, slowly and cautiously. It creaks, but once inside, it’s completely silent. A wooden staircase curls all the way up to the top, not looking particularly sturdy, but I chance it anyway and begin climbing.

I’m relieved when I finally make it to the top, getting a full view of the shore and land. It looks so peaceful, and I can’t help thinking of Kate, every second of every day wishing she was here to experience this all with me. Even though she’s not here physically with me, I sometimes feel her presence.

Before losing Sophia, I never believed in any kind of afterlife or spirits. It wasn’t until Sophia passed that I became highly aware of the feelings that would wash over me when I’d be in a certain room of the house or driving by her favorite park. I always assumed it was the memories and pain that kept her alive in my heart, but it was always something more.

Now with Kate, I feel it even stronger. She lives within my heart, but the grief never lessens. If anything, it feels heavier and heavier each day. My chest tightens, the room spins, and my throat goes dry. Whether it’s an anxiety attack or just my inability to let go, I don’t know.

But I can say without a doubt, in the depths of my heart and soul, that meeting Kate was fate. It was more than fate. I can’t explain it, but we were meant to meet one another. The universe brought us together and although her life ended much too soon, and I was left here once again, I know deep down there was a reason.

Whether it was that I needed her or she needed me, it was inevitable. Our souls were destined and the moment she said “I Do,” I felt it. I knew she was it for me, even if it didn’t end happily for me. I’ll always have our memories and that’s something I can hold onto.

I took a month off after her funeral. I needed time. It never feels like enough, but eventually, I had to get back to my life, my job, my friends. I’m on autopilot most days, but keeping my promise to Kate, I gave myself permission to grieve for one year. One year and then I was to move on, stop being sad, let go.

Hell, it’s been longer than that, but it was her dying wish, so at least I’m trying. Once I told Trace and he told Natalee, they helped me pick the perfect getaway destination. Somewhere not too ‘couple-y’ or flooded with families with children. I wanted quiet, quaint, and with a view.

So here I am in Edisto Island, South Carolina, in a rental beach house on the shore of Edisto Beach with the letter she wrote burning inside my pocket. It’s still sealed to this day, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to open it.

The only noises are the birds and water. It’s just what I asked for and yet, it’s somehow
too
quiet.

Perhaps I need to find a bar. Get a drink and meet some of the locals. Or even a gym. I could use a good workout.

Deciding to go into town for a bit, I begin to head back down the stairs. Faint sounds of children’s laughter echo in the air, and I wonder where it’s coming from.

I don’t have to wonder for long because as soon as I open the door of the lighthouse, I see two small children running toward me, laughing as they flail their arms in the air. A young woman is following behind them, yelling at them to slow down and be careful, and I can’t help the small smile that forms on my face at their carefree spirits.

I stay frozen in place in the doorway until the kids are in front of me, staring up at me.

“Do you live in there?” the little girl asks, her voice high-pitched and sweet.

“Are you the sea monster’s hostage?”

I furrow my brows as I continue smiling down at them.

“No and no. What are your names?” I lean up against the doorframe, waiting for the woman behind them to catch up.

“Brandon. I’m seven. And this is my little sister, Aubrey. She’s six, but she’s a brat, so it’s okay if you want to eat her or push her into the water.” He says it with such certainty, I can’t stop the chuckle that releases from my throat. Aubrey is quick to slap him across the arm, her face forming into a disapproving scowl.

“I am not! You are!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Brandon and Aubrey, that’s enough!” the woman’s voice is louder now and once I look up from the kids, I can see why. She’s much closer now and she’s stunning. Although the wind is blowing her long hair wildly across her face, I can see her delicate features. She’s in a simple blue sundress and white sandals.

“But mom, he started it!”

“Nuh-uh! She did!”

The kids continue arguing, but I’m barely listening as I stare up at her, a visible light behind her as she comes to a stop directly behind her children.

“I’m so sorry,” she begins, looking burnt out. “They’ve been cooped up in the car for much too long and are beyond getting on each other’s nerves.” She sighs. “And mine.”

She looks up at me, brushing her hair away from her face, which showcases her features even more, which isn’t good—not good at all, because it makes me stare longer than the appropriate amount of time. So now I just look like a creep.

“We’ll come back another time,” she rushes out, pulling her children back.

I finally come to my senses and speak up. “No, don’t,” I say with a bit too much urgency. “Sorry, I hadn’t meant to ignore you.” She turns around and looks back up at me again. “Stay,” I plead.

“Yay!” the kids scream in unison. They rush past me and begin running toward the stairs.

She shakes her head with a small smile. “I wish I had that kind of energy, even just a small percentage would be good.”

I laugh, knowing exactly how she’s feeling. Work, hospital visits, traveling—it was draining.

“Well at least they’ll crash out hard tonight,” I say, hoping I’m not making her uncomfortable, but I want any excuse to keep her talking. I don’t know why exactly, but she has this presence about her that’s intoxicating.

“God, I hope so. They sang and played games the entire ride here. I barely got five minutes of sleep in.”

I smile at that. “Car sleeping is probably right there next to sleeping in a hospital.”

“You have kids?” she asks with an eager tone.

“No, I don’t.” I notice there’s no ring on her finger and wonder if she’s here alone. “But I have a one-year-old niece, Lauren Kate.” I smile as I think about her little strawberry-blonde curls and bright green eyes.

Her face drops. “Oh, well, then I guess you don’t really know what an interrupted night’s sleep feels like.” She purses her lips as if she’s suddenly remembered that I’m a stranger.

“Mom! Come up here!”

“It’s so high!”

“Well, I better catch up to them before one of them tries diving off the ledge or something.” I nod as she takes a step around me, brushing her shoulder against my arm as she walks around me.

I hear her footsteps on the wooden stairs and suddenly realize I never got her name. I spin around just in time to see her feet stepping on the next highest level of stairs.

“What’s your name?” I call out, hoping she hears me over the waves. I watch as her feet still and she bends down until we’re eye to eye.

She smiles and finally responds, “Clarity.”
Clarity.
The way she says it with such grace and elegance makes me want to say it aloud. “What’s yours?” she asks.

I smirk, tilting my head at her. “Meet me in town tomorrow night at Jack’s Pub and I’ll tell you. Say, seven?”

Her eyes widen a bit, but then her shoulders drop, and I remain hopeful.

“I only asked your name because you asked for mine.” She winks and takes another step up.

“Is that a yes?” I call out, but she doesn’t answer. “It’s a small town. I’ll find you…” I call out again, sure that she can’t hear me anymore.

“Just because you can chase me, doesn’t me you can catch me, Prince Charming,” I hear her yell back in an amused tone. I know she’s messing with me, and I could wait until she comes back down to ask for her number, but what fun would that be?

Chasing Clarity might just be the distraction I need…