Be Careful What You Wish For (18 page)

Chapter Twenty-eight

THE NEXT DAY around noon, Kage called.  He asked to come by so he could see me, but I could sense in his voice what he was going to say.  I already knew, and my stomach was eating itself with worry.

But I was a big girl.  I had to face it, had to admit what I’d done.

The A/C in our apartment was working well that day, reflecting, I’d thought, the state of affairs.  Kage and I had started out hot, burned bright, and now things had grown cold, and I wondered if we could reignite our feelings for each other.  Because, when I really looked at it, things had been growing cold before, and this was just a sign.  The problem was Kage seemed to be a loyal kind of guy, so he was just sticking around out of that sense of dedication, not for any feelings he had for me.

So I made another pot of coffee.  I didn’t care that it was August.  I didn’t care that it was afternoon.  I wanted coffee and I was going to make it.

After my first cup, Kage arrived.  When he walked in and took me in his arms, I felt a heavy sadness cloaked around him.  There was a sense of regret, of sorrow, and it was palpable.  I wanted to start crying at that moment, and yet I could also feel through it all an impression of love.

You want to know what I really felt
like?  Have you ever had a pet who’d either been injured beyond comprehension or grown old and diseased and you did what any humane, sensitive pet owner would do?  You turned to euthanasia.  You loved this creature and wanted to help it pass on to the next plane, wanted it to be a beautiful and sympathetic act, the last thing of love you did for a creature you had felt deeply about.

That was the feeling I was getting, and it turned my already sour stomach into a cauldron of acid.

Still…I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions.  I’d already done that once (or more), and it had made me look like an idiot.

So we went to the kitchen and I asked him if he wanted some coffee.  He didn’t.  He didn’t want anything right now.

We sat at the table.  God, the air was thick and heavy and I felt like I could barely breathe.  Whatever he was going to do, I needed him to do it quickly, because I couldn’t take much more.

He took my hands in his, a gesture that felt so loving, so kind, and yet it felt like a dagger through my heart, because I already knew what he was going to say.

Well…not quite.  Almost.  “Jess,” he said as he looked in my eyes.  Those green eyes of his—I could get lost in the beauty of them.  Sometimes they were hard, reflecting the life he’d led, but other times, they were soft and warm, and this was one of those times.  “I love you.  I love you to the bottom of my soul.  You are everything I want in a woman and more.”  He took a deep breath.  I could sense that now was the time for the hammer to fall.  I bit my teeth together to hold back the tears that wanted to pour out of my eyes.  He let out a sigh and looked down at our intertwined hands.  “But I need some space and some time.”  I nodded.  I had felt that one coming.  Yep…translated, that meant he wanted out and didn’t have the heart to tell me.

Because I loved this man, the primitive part of me wanted to scream and shout and holler and tie him down, forbidding him to leave.  The biggest part of me, though, the part of me that loved him more than life itself knew it had to let him go.  What’s that saying?  You know, that
bullshit one we tell ourselves to make us feel better about everyone’s free will…that if you love something, set it free?  Well, that’s what I was going to do, but at a price.  I could feel my heart being ripped from my chest, and I wondered how I was going to be able to live without it.  Oh, I would, but I would be a hollow cave, and I would be able to look and act like a person, but I wouldn’t be able to feel again.  Not without him.  He’d shown me so much about hope, about life, about letting go of things that didn’t matter that I didn’t know how I could function again, especially because he
was
my hope.

But I loved him.  It wasn’t like Robb, where—even though his rejection hurt—I put on a tough bitch face and let him know in no uncertain terms that I was better off without him.  Sure, I could pull that same act with
Kage, but it would have been bullshit, and he would have known it.  He
knew
me.  That was the part that hurt the most.  I had opened myself up to him more than I ever had anyone else, and that had left me vulnerable.  Even done with care, what he was doing was going to hurt, and there was no escaping that.

And there went that little AWOL tear that had
no
permission from me to fall.  It did, though, and then others went chasing after it.  Oh, God, no.  That was the last thing I’d wanted to happen.  I’d known it was over before he’d even sat at my table, and I should have been prepared.  But I wasn’t.  It was too new, too raw, and I couldn’t handle it.

“Oh, Jess,” he said and moved his chair to my side of the table, pulling me close to him.  He felt just like he always had—firm and strong—and his scent was as intoxicating as ever.  But he had just told me he wasn’t mine, so I couldn’t get lost in him.  He wasn’t mine to hold, not mine to hang onto.  So, even though I wasn’t ready to bring my head up to face him, I allowed my head to rest on his chest, my hands on either side of my face,
as I tried to gain my composure.  I had to be adult about this.  I had smothered him and he needed to run.  It was my fault.  I’d grown insecure and had wrapped him in rope, trying to keep him close.  He was feeling the rope clench, though, and he was done.  I’d seen it happen over and over and over again with my mother, but—unlike her—I was not going to start screaming and yelling at him, calling him a worthless bastard and throwing whatever items I could find at him.  No, I was going to be tough and take it.

So, when I stopped crying, I wiped my face with my hands and said,
“Uh, you do what you have to do.”

His eyes bored into mine.  “I just need a little time, Jess.  That’s all.”

Yeah…but, unfortunately, I didn’t believe him.  I knew when he walked out the door that he would be gone forever, and I just prayed I’d be stronger for it.

* * *

Luckily for me, the fall semester started shortly thereafter, and I was busy.  I had earned a fellowship to teach freshman composition classes, so I had lots on my plate.  Even though I’d cut back my hours at the bar, I still had classes of my own and my thesis needed attention.  Now I had the added pressure of preparing for the class I taught as well as grading and giving feedback on all their assigned work.  I was busier than ever.

I was grateful for that, because, even though I tho
ught about Kage all the time, his memory managed to get buried underneath all the obligations.  It was easy to drown my emotions in academia.  More than ever, I was grateful for school for saving me from myself.

As the weeks passed with no word from
Kage, the reality sunk in.  I had been right.  He didn’t need his space—he’d wanted his life back.  I didn’t fit in his life nor he in mine, and he’d made the call to break it off early.

Even though
I submerged myself in academia and my shitty part-time job, it wasn’t like I could forget Kage.  He still felt like a big part of me, like my soulmate, and he’d ripped himself out of my life.  In the quiet moments usually before dawn, I often wondered how I would fill that hole, and I realized I never would.  There was no way I ever could.  Kage’s absence would be like a missing limb, and I’d just have to find a way to survive without him.

It was evident to me that, even though he might have loved me at first, he didn’t feel it anymore.  He’d just disappeared out of my life, and I had to go on.

Honestly, if I didn’t only have two semesters left to get my master’s degree, I would have applied elsewhere to finish out my education.  Instead, I hung onto the hope that I would get accepted at a dream university when I applied in the spring.  Might as well go for my doctorate, because I was going to be married to my career.

But then…something happened, something unexpected.  I was coming home one Wednesday night mid September, and I saw
Kage’s truck parked in front of my apartment.  He was leaning against it, waiting for me, I supposed.  I wondered why he hadn’t texted me or called.  Instead, he was there, and I wondered what he wanted.

I was on the verge of tears when I saw him, and I realized that my wounds were still fresh and raw.
  I forced them back and considered if I wanted to just keep walking…but I knew I couldn’t.  For the first time in weeks, I felt whole again.  It made no sense, because—for all I knew—Kage had just come to collect his extra toothbrush.  Or maybe he had a confession to make.  I didn’t know why he was there or what he wanted and yet my heart felt light and my soul felt alive again.

My gait slowed as I got closer.  It wasn’t completely dark out yet, and I could see his face. 
Oh, he was beautiful, and I hadn’t known just how much I’d missed him until I saw him, and that hole in the middle of me gaped wide.  Each breath was difficult.  The pain was fresh again and I blinked, hoping to hold it at bay until I was alone.  I stopped but didn’t say anything.  Not talking wasn’t intentional; I simply couldn’t think of what to say.  “Can we talk?”

I shrugged.  I hadn’t realized I’d been biting my lip until I had to respond.  “Sure.”

He took a deep breath.  “Want to get a cup of coffee with me somewhere?”

I considered it.  I had a lot of studying to do, and the spring and summer semesters, while my grades had been mostly Bs, had been pretty lackluster.  I wouldn’t get into a grad school to earn my PhD if I wasn’t getting top grades.  Besides, I
had freshman essays to grade as well.  My heart, though…it overruled everything logical in my head.  “Okay.  But I have a lot of work to do.  I can’t be gone long.”

Wow.  I was proud of myself.  My words were cold and clipped, not weepy, desperate, and emotional as I’d expected.
  He nodded and then walked around to the passenger side, holding the door open for me.  I took another deep breath, feeling almost light headed, and followed him.  I prayed he wouldn’t help me up on the seat like he had in the past, because I didn’t know that I could stand having him touch me.  I couldn’t do it.

I was glad I was wearing slacks instead of a skirt,
so I was able to climb in myself, and I did it before Kage could even try to help.  I sensed rather than saw…frustration maybe.

I sensed a change of heart.

But I wasn’t going to make it easy.

He’d broken my heart and made me believe we were through.  Whether he’d done it intentionally or not didn’t matter.  I was hurting and I needed some time to adjust.

He didn’t say a word, and I was glad the radio was on low.  It was playing some stupid commercial until the DJ came back on and started playing an Avatar song.  I focused on it instead of my feelings and tried not to let myself get out of control emotionally with Kage sitting right there.  In a few minutes, though, he was pulling into a café, one sure to have coffee.  I had no doubt that the coffee would be old, though, and it would probably smell thick and burned and have a layer of oil swirling around on top.  The truth was I didn’t want coffee anyway.  I took it to mean conversation with Kage, though, and that was what I wanted more than something to drink.

We sat in a booth near the back. 
Kage ordered coffee but I asked for water with lemon and he asked if I wanted something to eat.  I shook my head.  I hadn’t been eating much lately, because my appetite had disappeared.  I knew it was all part of the larger symptom, but I wasn’t going to tell him that either.  The longer I was around him, the more convinced I was that he was getting ready to say goodbye forever.  He was going to do it properly instead of like an uncivilized dick.

Well, I could appreciate the effort.

When the waitress left to get our drinks, Kage said, “How have you been?”

My heart started beating faster again and I felt my eyes get watery
once more.  I wanted to ask him if he really gave a shit.  I wanted to lie and tell him I’d never been better, just to see what his reaction would be.  But this was Kage…and I’d never lied to him.  I couldn’t start now, no matter how this evening played out.  I shrugged, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible, but I suspect I looked pathetic.  “Okay.  It’s been a tough semester so far.”

He blinked twice before looking down at the table in front of me.  “Jess…sorry I was gone for so long.  I just…needed some time to sort my shit out.”

It took all I had not to let out a chuckle.  Man, if I’d gotten a dollar every time I’d heard a guy tell that to my mom, I could have a night out on the town.  I clenched my teeth together again, trying to appear outwardly calm, but I was afraid my eyes would give me away.  Was he really sorry or was this just the introduction to his long farewell?  I forced my breaths to stay even and I nodded, unwilling to say a word.  The waitress brought our drinks and set them on the table.  I was glad, because I was able to focus on the glass rather than look at Kage.  I just couldn’t.  I knew I’d start crying or laughing hysterically if I did.  So I nodded again, hoping it would encourage him to finish plunging the knife in me so I could go on with the rest of my soulless life.

“You don’t believe me.”

For some reason, that set me off.  “Why do you need me to believe you, Kage?”