Be Mine (2 page)

“He’s exhausting, but we’re doing all right. I’m heading over to Safeway to pick-up dinner. I was thinking, do you think we could give each other our presents in the evening instead of the morning?”

“That’s fine; you know you’re the one who decided to give me my present in the morning. Should I expect more unusual gifts from you?”

“Noooo.”

“Oh I see you’re having a hard time figuring out what to buy me aren’t you? You know this was your idea to buy a gift for every day of the week.”

“I know. I Love you and I’ll see you tonight.”

“Love you too.”

“Brutus, Steve said he’ll have someone check out the guys on the corner, good job. Now, give me some ideas on what should I get Steve for the next four days.”

“He likes the circus right? Why don’t you take him back to Victoria to see the Cirque du Soleil again?”

“Been there done that, but I did get a Living Social coupon this morning for Flying Trapeze Lesson’s. The email said, ‘Have you ever wondered what it’s like to soar through the air? Challenge yourself, work hard to build your skills, listen to your body, train your muscles to respond and react when you can leave the platform, create a powerful swing, and then feel your hands meet your catcher. The sense of accomplishment of attaining the strength, precision, and self-confidence cannot be underestimated.’ That sounds like something Steve would love right?”

“If you say so.”

“It’ll be tomorrow night’s present. I’ll print off the gift certificate and put it in a romantic, mushy card. Now all I need is three more days of presents. I’ll sleep on it and maybe inspiration will come to me in my sleep.”

~~~~~

“Okay Brutus, It’s Tuesday morning and inspiration was on vacation last night.”

“How about a John Deere hat?”

“What? Why would Steve want a John Deere hat?”

“Geez, I was only kidding, can’t you take a joke?”

“Remember that when you need to lift your leg.”

“Well, that’s cruel.”

“Let’s head into the office and see if Halo has any ideas.”

~~~~~

“Morning boss, you want the same coffee configuration as yesterday?”

“Yes please, what would I do without you Halo?”

“You’d buy your morning espresso at Starbucks.”

“True.”

“Hey, what are a couple of the things that you’ve given your boyfriends over the years for Valentine’s Day?”

“Red silk boxers with big white hearts were a hit with Bob, Rick liked the cherry flavored edible underwear, and Scott enjoyed the gourmet dinner I served naked. Do I need to go any further?”

“No, I get the theme of all your gifts—thanks anyways. What’s on my schedule for today?”

“Oh sorry, you distracted me. Your friend Kitty called, she seemed really upset. She said to call her back when you got in.”

“Hi Kitty, its Corny what’s up?”

“Oh Corny, I’m really glad you called. Are you available for me to hire you today? Hernando Lamberto’s been taken. After I got half way to work today I remembered I forgot the check I wanted to deposits at lunch and when I came home Hernando was gone. When I left he was on his burgundy cashmere bed. Who could have taken him? Can you find him for me please?”

“Absolutely, I’ll get right on it. Why don’t you go to work? It’ll keep your mind off Bert and I’ll call you the minute I find him.”

“You know I don’t like when you shorten his name to Bert?”

“Sorry.”

“What was that all about?”

“That was my friend Kitty and her dog’s missing. The thing is she has really, really bad luck with men, which leads me to believe that her recently ex-boyfriend—dickhead Dan took him. He lives on Peterson Street in Renton; let’s head over to—dickhead Dan’s house and see if Hernando’s there. Well, his car’s in the drive way and I can hear Hernando and he’s very upset.”

“’Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark’, somebody get me out of here please.”

“Geez, that’s one unhappy dog.”

“I agree, come on let’s go see if Dan will open the door, when he see’s it’s me.”

“Oh, it’s you and a really big dog; whose dog is that?”

“It’s Steve’s; Dan why did you take her dog? She’s not going to think any better of you for it.”

“I want Kitty back in my life and I thought she would come over and we could make up.

“You know what he means by making up don’t you? I’m a dog and I know he was hoping for some whoopee.”

“Yes Brutus, I understand Dan perfectly well.”

“Did you say something Corny?”

“No, I’m mumbling, I do that sometimes.”

“Well, if she didn’t come over by tomorrow I would’ve returned Hernando all on my own. He tends to pee everywhere when he’s nervous and he’s been real nervous all day. Here take him, I’ve got to call a carpet cleaner or every room in my house will smell like pee. Do you have to tell Kitty it was me that took her dog?”

“Yes Dan, and if you don’t stay away from Kitty and her dog I’ll report you to the police.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll stay away from both of them, but will you tell her I’m sorry and I miss her?”

“What did the jerk Dan do to her?”

“Kitty walked in on—dickhead Dan and a waitress doing the dirty-deed in the women’s restroom at Chez Panisse—her favorite restaurant I might add. Understandably, she was upset; she whipped out her stun gun, named Bertha. She zapped him in the balls and then the waitress tossed a glass of water on her. It brought her back to her senses before the police were called. The waitress apologized for screwing Dan and admitted the zapping was the best show she’d seen in years and she gave Kitty her meal for free. Kitty went out with him one more time but his eye twitched everyone once in the while; she said it was very distracting. She can’t forget what he did, and she’s not too sure all his man parts are back in working order.”

“Wow, do I want to know why her stun gun is named Bertha?”

“She bought the stun gun for personal protection and she thought watching Cops, the show, would teach her how to use it properly. You know, to get the hang of the whole stun gun experience. There was this—very robust, black woman named Bertha beating the crap out of her boyfriend on the show. He‘d been beating Bertha for months and she finally lost it and fought back. She had waited until he was really drunk and started hitting him with a frying pan and ended her tirade with a floor lamp. The two cops that showed up didn’t know the situation; only that a woman was beating a man and they needed to stop the fight before she killed him. When Bertha continued to hit her loser boyfriend with the lamp, the first cop took out his taser and sent two darts into her belly. That dropped her to her chubby knees; surprising everyone, she got up and swayed a little; both cops told her to stay down. When it looked like she was going to swing the lamp again the second cop sent two more darts into her belly. Finally her chubby knees couldn’t hold her anymore—she gave up and collapsed. Kitty admired Bertha’s tenacity or stupidity, depending on how you look at it. Kitty is a sweet person; she sent magazines to the county jail with a note wishing Bertha well.”

“I’m going to need to lift my leg before we get Hernando back to Kitty’s.”

“Okay, I’ll pull over into the Subway parking lot. There’s a decent size patch of grass and a rhododendron bush. Take Hernando with you; I’m going to call her and tell her to meet us at her apartment.”

“Thank you for coming to get me Corny; that guy’s a loser
—
I can’t believe Kitty liked him.”

“Come on you guys, hurry up, I’ve got to get Hernando back and go grocery shopping for dinner tonight.”

~

“Oh Corny, you found my precious Hernando, ‘kiss, kiss, kiss’; where did you find him?”

“Dan’s and your right, the eye twitching thing is annoying.”

“I knew it; he’s such a dick-head, why did he take him?”

“He wanted back in your pants and he thought if you showed up looking for Hernando he could persuade you to give his man-parts another chance. But don’t worry; he won’t be coming anywhere near you or Hernando ever again. I threatened him with a zap from Bertha.”

“To funny… thank you again Corny. I owe you big time.”

“I’ve got to go; I need to pick-up steaks and potatoes for dinner tonight.”

“Granted you do a good job with both those items, but have you ever thought of expanding your culinary repertoire?”

“Geez, that’s what Steve asked me. I can cook a tasty Papa Murphy’s pizza too.”

“Papa Murphy’s pizza doesn’t count. You know my favorite restaurant, Chez Panisse? They give cooking classes once a month; it’s a hands-on, six course meal, and you get to eat what you make. If you’re interested I’ll sign us up and you can surprise Steve with a gourmet meal.”

“I knew there was a reason why you’re my best friend; you anyways have the best ideas. Do you know when the next class is?

“I will in a minute, let me make a phone call.”

“Chez Panisse, how may I help you?”

“Hello, I was wondering when the next cooking class is being held?”

“Oh, let me see; it’s being held tomorrow night at 6:00 p.m.; are you interested in signing up?”

“Yes, is there room for two?”

“Actually you’re lucky there are only two spots left. The class will feature foods from Italy—it’s going to be extraordinary as always. Can I please get your names?”

“Kitty Skinner and Corny Myers; can we pay when we arrive or do you need payment now?”

“The class is seventy-five dollars a person and you can pay when you arrive. Wear comfortable clothes and shoes, you’ll be standing and working side-by-side with the chef the whole two hours and then finish the lovely evening eating your creation.”

“Thank you and we’ll be there with bells on.”

“Kitty, this is a perfect gift for Steve. Friday night I’ll re-create what I learn tomorrow night—Steve will be completely surprised.”

“I’m glad I could help and I’m paying for your class, as payment for finding my precious little boy.”

“I’ll right, I’ll meet you there Kitty.”

“Come on Brutus, let’s go shopping and then go home and start on dinner. I can’t wait to see what Steve is giving me tonight. I really hope he likes his gift certificate for flying trapeze lessons.”

“I want a front row seat when he opens it, I can’t wait to see his face.”

“Do I sense sarcasm in your comment?”

“Nope, never.”

~~~~~

“Okay, the potatoes are in the oven, the steaks are seasoned and ready for the grill. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. What if Steve doesn’t like his gift?”

“I keep telling you he loves you, get over yourself.”

“Steve’s pulled into the driveway go greet him; I’m going to go get a beer to relax.”

“Hi there sweetie; I’m going to go take shower, it’s been a long day. Can I have a beer too?”