Be Mine (4 page)

“Wow that was quite a night. Hey, when we saw you; it kind of looked like you had your wing out, as if you were you hitch-hiking, you weren’t were you?”

“What are you crazy lady, of course not, I sprained my wing and I can’t move it.”

“Okay, I’ll call the zookeeper and she can come get you.”

“Connie, are you there?”

“Yes, have you found Harry?”

“I have him, but his wing is damaged and he’ll need medical attention.”

“Did you hurt him? I told you not to touch him.”

“No, he was already hurt. Maybe you should pay more attention to your birds and less attention to Mr. Jones.”

“Sorry, where are you?”

“Were near the old enclosure, next to the fountain, bring food, he looks like he’s hungry.”

“I’m on my way; I’ll bring a whole bucket of his favorite food.”

“Hey, thank you for finding me; I’ll be more careful not to step on used condoms next time.”

“No problem, take care.”

“Brutus, I know you have a sarcastic comment sitting on the tip of your tongue, say it and get it off your hairy chest.”

“For once in my life I’m tongue tied.”

“Let’s go home; I’m going to take a nap before I have to go learn how to cook.”

“Joy.”

“Exactly.”

~~~~~

“Hi Steve, you got home early, which means we can exchange gifts before I leave for Kitty’s. I love you with all my heart, please like your gift.”

“Wow, you went all out and wrapped my gift in several plastic bags from Walmart, our favorite store.”

“Open it Steve; I think this is my best gift to you yet.”

“Let’s see, two six packs of my favorite beer Boulevard Nutcracker Ale, not a bad start honey; two bags of Cool Ranch Doritos, and all of the James Bond movies on Blue-ray DVD’s. Now this is my kind of gift, thank you baby, I love you too. You open yours now.”

“Oh, it’s a little Mini Cooper charm and it’s even red like my car. I love it, but I have to go and meet Kitty; I should be back by 10:00 p.m.”

~~~~~

“Kitty, what’s with the white aprons Chez Panisse is making us put on? You know I’m going to trash it before the nights over?”

“They’re supposed to make us feel more like real chefs, here put on your white chef hat too.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, white hats and aprons aren’t going to help me be a better cook. I need a couple simple, yet good recipes that I can cook over and over again.”

“Corny, we haven’t even started yet, put them on and keep an open mind.”

“Ms. Corny, please put your knife down. If you can’t behave in a professional manner I’ll have to excuse you from my class. Throwing roma tomatoes into the air and trying to slice them before they hit the ground is barbaric. And please clean your mess before you leave.”

“Okay, I’m sorry; can I stay if I behave?”

“I’m afraid not, you’ve disrupted the class enough.”

“Sorry.”

“Corny, the instructor didn’t have to kick me out to, I wasn’t throwing tomatoes around. It was funny though, you looked like Jackie Chang slicing and dicing like that. But seriously, why did you act like that?”

“That skinny blonde-chick thought she was a master chef because she could chop an onion perfectly and I wanted to show that I had skills too. I guess I don’t, and now I don’t know what I’m going to give Steve Friday night.”

“You’ll think of something, you always do. Let’s go have a beer at Jonny’s tavern before we go home.”

“Okay, Johnny’s always cheers me up.”

~~~~~

“Steve, why don’t you take Brutus to work with you today?”

“I’m already committed to using another dog for the rest of this week; I’m afraid Brutus will have to keep you company a couple more days. I’ve got to go, love you and have a good day.”

“I love you too Steve, be careful out there.”

“Enough with that mushy crap; what happened last night, you got home early?”

“You know, cooking isn’t as easy as it looks and there was this skinny blonde-chick flirty with the chef and I thought, I’ll show her and I tossed a roma tomato into the air and proceeded to slice and dice it. I’ve watched the Ginsu videos and it looked really easy—the chef got mad and sent me home.”

“Wow, you lead an exciting life.”

“Come on, let’s go to the park and you can do your business.”

“Hey Brutus, today is my lucky day, no rain and my favorite wood bench is dry.”

“Great, you sit there and relax while I scan the park for drugs; I’ve got to keep my nose sharp. Has Steve mentioned when I can go back to work?”

“I’m not positive, don’t hold me to this, but I think Monday is when he’s planning on bringing you back.”

“Who’s he been using for a drug sniffer, while I’ve been benched?”

“Uhh, I’m not sure.”

“You’re such a bad liar
—
its Gloria isn’t it?”

“I told you in the beginning, I’m not getting involved and I’m not taking sides.”

“Fine. I’ll be back in a little while.”

“Did you find any malfeasants?”

“Any what?”

“Never mind, let’s go to work.”

~~~~~

“Hi Halo, what’s on my plate today?”

“You know, your sounding more and more down as the week goes on; what’s up?”

“I went to a cooking class last night; to learn how to make a few interesting dishes, and it didn’t work out; that’s all.”

“Bummer, you got a call from a guy named Mr. Smith, who’s having a problem with raccoons. He wants you come over to his house and remove them from his backyard.”

“Did you tell him I retrieve missing pets, not remove unwanted critters?”

“Yes, I explained all that, but he insisted you could help him. He mentioned that Mr. Charleston referred him and then he said, ‘hint, hint’. Whatever that means… ”

“Mr. Charleston is eccentric and probably guessed I can communicate with animals and mentioned it to his friend. I’ll go over and see if I can help.”

“Come on Brutus; are you up for another fun-filled day?”

“Wow, you’re in a funk.”

“The cooking class didn’t work out; which means I don’t have anything to give Steve for Valentine’s Day.”

“I did well with last night’s gift; give me another shot. Come on I’ll think while you get rid of the raccoons.”

“Hey, I do retrievals, not removals buddy.”

“It could be a different division of Green Hornet Investigation and you could charge double for removals.”

“No.”

“Okay, where does this guy live?”

“His address is on Beacon Hill; he must live near Mr. Charleston.”

“
Well, I’m good for now; but if the guys a jerk I’ll do my business in his yard.”

“The house is as big as Mr. Charleston’s.”

“I don’t see any raccoons, do you?”

“I don’t see them, but I can hear animals speaking with a Mexican accent; they’re in the backyard. I’m going to go talk to this guy and see what he has to say; you go see what’s going on in the backyard.”

“I don’t do raccoons. I’ll wait in the car for this one.”

“’Bcuuk, bcuuk’, in case you’re not familiar what a chicken sounds like, that’s it.”

“Kiss my hairy butt.”

~~~~~

“Hello, can I help you?”

“Yes, I’m here to see Mr. Smith about a raccoon problem?”

“Oh, you must be Ms. Corny Myers; thank you for coming to our rescue on such short notice. I’m Mrs. Smith; my husband’s a very busy man, but he said to call you and you’d take care of our raccoon infestation problem, before our annual backyard picnic. Last week we hired this group of, highly recommended, Mexican yard maintenance workers. They did a wonderful job cleaning all the Oak leaves and debris from our backyard, but I believe they left behind their pets. The last couple of nights the motion detector lights have come on in the backyard and last night I stayed up and when the lights came on I spotted three raccoons eating out of our bird feeders. The biggest of the three tore the bottom off my feeder when it wouldn’t hold his weight. I didn’t have the feeders made to support their large girth. I don’t understand why these Mexican’s left their pets behind.”

“Mrs. Smith, raccoons aren’t pets, their wild animals and they live where there’s an abundance of food; like bird seed. If you take down the feeders for a couple days they’ll go away.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you should trap them and take them away anyway. We have this important party next weekend and I’d hate for one of my guests to run into a raccoon.”

“I promise; if you take away their food source they’ll go away.”

“Okay I’ll take care of the feeders immediately. Thank you again for taking the time to come to our rescue; I’ll have a check in the mail to you today for your consultation.”

“Please call me if your problems continue with the raccoons.”

“Thank you again Corny.”

“How’d it go and what’s the deal with the extreme Botox user?”

“Brutus, why do you always point out the worst in people? Besides, what’s wrong with never being able to frown, smile, or look constipated? Did I say that out loud? You know what; you’re a very bad influence on me?”

“Come on, you love me as much as you love Steve, that’s why you let me watch you guys do the dirty dead.”

“I’m speechless, you’re kidding me right?”

“’Ewww’, in your words; and yes I’m kidding. Come on, I’ve got a great idea for Steve. The last two mornings he’s been bitcbing about nicking himself with a dull razor, get him a nice, new shaver; brilliant right?”

“Brutus, this has been the longest week ever—but keep up the great ideas. Do you need to lift your leg before we head to Walmart for Steve’s new shaver?”

“No, I’m good. When you were in with Mrs. Botox I did my business in three different places in her front yard. That enchilada Steve put in the garbage last night didn’t agree with me.”

“Do you know what (TMI) means? Too much information; remember that, okay.”

“That was quite a shopping trip; I’m going to take a shower before Steve gets home; stay out of the bathroom Brutus.”

“Okay, I’m going to go spy on the new dog next door.”

“Hi baby, how was Brutus today? Do you still think he’s ready to go back to work on Monday?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Honey, if he’s stressing you out I can board him until Monday.”

“No, he’s fine, let’s eat dinner, open our presents, and then go to bed okay? I picked up chicken chow mien, deep fried prawns, garlic beef with noodles, and fried rice from Zen’s restaurant. Do you think that’s enough?”

“I call that stress eating; come here honey, this has been a tough week for you, hasn’t it?”

“Steve, when I suggested this whole Valentine thing I thought it would be fun, but it’s been harder than I thought it would be. Oh well, let’s eat and then you go first tonight.”

“Honey, I’m stuffed, that was definitely plenty of food.”

“Good, here’s your present, open, open… ”

“Ohh Corny, this is great. I’ve needed a new electric shaver forever and it’s the new Panasonic Arc 5 Shaver; it has 5 Ultra-sharp Nanotech blades. I’m going to be the envy of all my buddies. Thank you honey, you’re the best. Here you open yours while I read the directions.”

“A silver cupcake charm, I love it Steve. If my metabolism could sustain it, I’d eat a cupcake a day for the rest of my life. I’ll add it to my key ring, thank you baby. If you don’t mind I’m going to bed?”

“What? Oh yah, go ahead baby. I’m going to stay up and play with my razor for a little while.”

~~~~~

“Wake up sleeping beauty. We have people to see and pets to rescue. Get up or I’ll pee on your bed.”

“What, what, don’t you dare do that. I’m awake… snort… “

“Corny, I’m lifting my leg… ”

“Okay, okay, I’m getting up. You’re a mean dog, you know that?”

“Hey, I’m motivated, I only have one more day of being benched and I’m back to work on Monday. Let’s get to work and I’ve got some great ideas for tonight.”

“They better be good ideas or I’m telling Steve you need to be benched for another week.”

“Now, that wasn’t called for; I’ve helped you with several great gifts.”

“Your right, I’m being cranky, I’m sorry. One of Halo’s double espressos will cure me, I promise.”

“Halo, please tell me nobody needs me today? I’m exhausted and cranky; ask Brutus, he’ll confirm that.”

“No thanks, I’ll leave the critter communication to you. You got a call from a guy named Sam about his brother’s missing pet iguana.”

“I’ll give him a call and see what’s up.”

“Hello, this is Sam.”

“Hi, this is Corny Myers, returning your phone call about a missing iguana.”

“Thank you for calling me back, I feel silly calling you about this, but my brother Guy has a pet iguana named—Buddy the Butt Head; that he loves dearly and he’s gone. He makes mega bucks from his computer cyber work, but he has an online addiction that costs him most of his income each month, that’s why I’m calling you. I love my strange brother and I’ll do everything in my power to keep him happy and his pet iguana makes him happy, can you help find it please?”

“Sam, I’m curiosity by nature, do I dare ask what this addiction of his is?”

“You probably shouldn’t, you might not want to help him.”

“Your right, I have to think of the iguana’s welfare. Where does he live?”

“He has an apartment, 12625 Kent Heights, on the East Hill of Kent, when can you get there?”

“I’ll leave now and it’ll take me about twenty minutes, do you want to call him and let him know I’m coming. I’d hate to walk-in on something I shouldn’t and don’t want to see. Better yet, why don’t you meet me out front of his apartment, I’ll find his pet and give it to you. Then you can be the hero… ”