Beautiful Confusion (New Adult Romance) Room 105 (17 page)

Once again, I wished that Seven would butt out of my affairs. But how could I be mad at Seven when the things he knew were coming from my own troubled mind?

“No, I haven’t told Duncan,” I said. “And I’m not going to, either.” I wasn’t ready to go down that road.

Abby released a choppy breath. “I have a secret to tell you.”

A secret? Like the one Lori had told me? I had no idea what my sister was going to say, but her tone of voice worried me.

“It’s about Seven.” She glanced around, making sure that he wasn’t lurking in the shadows, eavesdropping on our conversation.

“Is he here?” I asked. I wouldn’t know the difference. I still couldn’t see any of Abby’s people.

She shook her head.

“Then tell me what it is.”

“The way you feel about Duncan is how I feel about Seven.”

I stared at her. Was she trying to tell me that she was in love with Seven? “Are you sure you know what you’re saying?”

She nodded. “I know exactly what I’m saying.”

I was still staring at her in a dumbfounded way. “I suspected that you had a crush on him. But love?”

“I’ve always cared about him. He’s always made me feel kind of fluttery inside. But my feelings for him have gotten deeper.”

“He’s not good for you. He’s too wild.” I considered the way she’d described the man he’d become: Seven with his potent smile, messy brown hair, and body ink. He was the last thing she needed.

“He’s not as wild as you think he is.”

“He has women who chase him in 105, doesn’t he? Groupies and whatnot?”

“Yes. But that happens to musicians. It isn’t his fault.”

“I’ll bet he messes around with them.”

“He says he hasn’t for a while.”

“Because of you?”

She nodded. “He’s been coming to my room at night…”

Her words drifted. She was drifting in other ways, too, looking dreamier than I’d ever seen her. Now I was even more concerned.

“Are you having sex with him?” I asked, feeling far too protective. I’d slept with Duncan, but somehow that seemed different.

“No. But we kiss and cuddle, and sometimes we press against each other and do sexy things. But he won’t be with me all the way because he’s worried that if he gets stuck in Room 105, and we’re separated for good, losing each other will hurt even more.” She paused. “Seven has been writing some really beautiful songs for me. He says that he loves, me, too.” Her voice cracked. “What am I going to do without him?”

I thought about how Abby and Seven interacted with each other. I’d never met Seven or any of her other people, but was it possible that I’d seen them in my subconscious? That I’d had hallucinations about Abby and Seven that I couldn’t remember, giving the two of them private moments together? If that was the case, then I’d created the bond they shared. I was responsible for their feelings.

Heaven help me. How was I supposed to deal with this? “If Seven gets stranded in 105, what exactly will happen to you? You keep saying you’ll go away, too. But where will you go?”

“I’ll disappear into a big black hole, with no one else around.”

 I couldn’t bear for her to go away like that, alone and afraid, missing the man she loved. Then there was me and the man I loved, along with the possibility of him dying. “Oh, Abby. Everything is so messed up.”

“I know. But Duncan can fix it.”

Then I had no choice but to talk to him and try to make him understand, even if I struggled to understand it myself.

***

Later that day, I returned to Duncan’s loft, and we sat on his rooftop patio, with dusk falling in the sky and a view of the city spanning out before us.

He’d been listening to me recite Abby’s tale, and he’d been frowning the entire time.

“I’m not the warrior,” he said, even though he was dressed like an urban version of one, with his Native-themed T-shirt, holey jeans, and scuffed boots. “And I can’t try to become him.”

“But Abby’s people will get attacked by monsters, she’ll disappear into a black hole, and you’ll die.” I knew how absurd it sounded, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from saying it. If there was the slightest chance it could be true, then I needed to do what I could to convince him to help.

“There’s no Room 105. No Abby, no monsters, no people. And I’m not going to die. It’s all in your head.” He scrubbed a hand across his face. “Let it go, baby. Let it go.”

He’d never called me baby before. The endearment sounded sexy. But it troubled me, too. I loved a man who was shaking his head, telling me to let my sister go.

“I can’t abandon Abby. And I can’t worry until next year that you’re going to die. Just help me find the door to Room 105 and make it better.”

“How we can find a door that isn’t there?”

“What if it is there, waiting for us to step through it?”

“If you find it, Vanessa, it’ll be a hallucination. It won’t be a real door. And if you go through it, God knows where it will lead or what it will do to your mind. I can’t participate in that.”

“So you’ll just leave me to my own devices?” I glared at him the same way Abby had glared at me earlier. I wasn’t trying to behave like my sister. Yet I could feel myself becoming more like her, taking on her mannerisms.

“I think you should talk to your doctor, Vanessa. Or maybe check back into The Manor for a while.”

“I can’t go there!” I all but shouted at him. “That’s where Abby is. That’s her home, not mine.”

“You were a patient there,” he reminded me.

“I was, but I’m not now,” I argued.

“Maybe you should be again.”

“Because I’m trying to figure this out? Don’t you see, Duncan? This could be my closure. My healing. If we find the door to 105 and you come there with me, I might get better after it’s all over. The 105 delusions might end.”

“And what if it makes you worse? What if you go there and don’t come back? Please, just drop this, okay?”

“Drop it? And let all of that horrible stuff happen? I promise if I go to 105, I’ll come back. Besides, you’ll be with me when I’m there. You’ll be the warrior.”

“I’ll be there in your head. It’s not the same as me actually being there.”

“You should have heard Abby talking about the way she loves Seven. How can I live with myself if they lose each other?” And how would I survive if I lost Duncan? He was becoming my world, my heart. “Do this for me.”

“I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”

He tried to reach for my hand, but I wouldn’t let him touch me. I didn’t know what hurt worse…that he wouldn’t help, or that I loved him so damned much.

“I’m going to find the door with or without you.” The threat of tears stung my eyes. I’d yet to cry in front of him, but I was always on the verge, it seemed, fighting the feeling. “I’ll go there either way.”

“That’s emotional blackmail.” He stood up and nearly knocked over his chair. Behind him was the wall of his building, splattered with his riotous art: images, words, knife-like streaks of red, bleeding all over the bricks.

I watched him pace the patio, dragging both hands through his hair. He looked like a crazy man. I stifled a painful laugh. Now both of us were nuts.

He finally stopped and turned in my direction. “How about if I go home with you tonight and we talk to Carol about this?”

A dash of paranoia sprinkled over me. “I don’t want to get Carol involved.”

“I’m not going to help you unless you agree to discuss it with her.”

Now who was using emotional blackmail? “You’re not being fair.”

“That’s the best I can do.” He knelt beside my chair, like a knight receiving an honor from the queen or a man proposing to the lady he loved. “Take my offer. Let me go home with you.”

I rested my palm against his cheek. I wasn’t a queen, and I wished I was the lady he loved. But I hadn’t forgotten what Lori said about how he might not be capable of that kind of love.

“Will you stay the whole night?” I asked, wondering what kind of scars his unknown childhood had left behind. My scars were evident. I wasn’t a mystery, the way he was.

“Yes,” he replied. “I’ll stay.”

“In my room. In my bed?” I wanted him to lie naked with me tonight, warm and deep under my covers.

“Yes,” he said again.

I put my arms around him, and he kissed me. He tasted like everything I wanted, everything I needed: my heart, my soul, my salvation. All I could do now was pray that my aunt didn’t spoil it.

***

Repeating Abby’s story to Carol was like déjà vu. She had the same disturbed look on her face that Duncan had had when I’d told him.

The three of us were gathered in our backyard. We didn’t have a cityscape or graffiti-marked walls, like on Duncan’s patio. What we had were trees, plants, and lawn furniture. And by now, a quarter-moon appeared in the sky, playing peekaboo behind a cluster of lavender-tinged clouds.

Carol said to me, “Do you really think that searching for a nonexistent door and going to a nonexistent realm is going to help you?”

“I think it’s worth a try.” I tried to sound confident instead of crazy. “I want to get well.” By mostly I wanted Abby and Seven to be able to be together and for Duncan not to die. But I didn’t want to keep pushing those points in front of Carol because they sounded crazy.

She sipped her tea. Earlier, she’d made jasmine tea and we each had a cup in front of us, the highly scented brew wafting in the air. I drank some of mine, too, hoping it would soothe me.

“Do you remember how Room 105 got started?” she asked me.

“Abby came up with it.”

“Yes, but do you know why?”

I shook my head. Obviously there was a backstory I’d forgotten. I glanced at Duncan. He was watching Carol.

He said to her, “There’s something specific behind that number?”

“Very specific.” She looked at me, then at him. “It’s the number of Vanessa’s parents’ burial plot. They were cremated and their remains were placed in the same plot.”

I gulped my next breath. Even if this information was something my subconscious already knew, as far as my conscious mind was concerned I was hearing it for the very first time.

I reached for the sweater that was draped across the back of my chair and put it on. I was getting a terrible chill.

Duncan asked Carol, “How did Vanessa become aware of what number it was? She was just a kid when they died.”

“She was with me when I bought the plot. I tried to leave her with a neighbor, but she cried and screamed and clung to me. I didn’t have a choice but to bring her everywhere I went. She wasn’t paranoid of me then.”

I clutched my sweater closed. I didn’t like that they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there.

“Room 105 symbolizes death,” Duncan said.

“Yes,” Carol replied.

“No,” I interjected, grappling for an explanation that didn’t make me feel sick inside. “Room 105 is world created by human imaginings. It symbolizes life, not death.” If it were death, then it would make Duncan dying and Abby and her people disappearing that much worse.

Duncan said, “That’s good, Vanessa. Creating new lives from the ones you lost is good.”

Was that what I’d done? Replaced my parents with a whole other dimension? “Are you going to help me find Room 105?”

“Yes, I think I should.” He reached for my hand and threaded his fingers through mine. Then he said to Carol, “Is that all right with you?”

She nodded, supporting his decision. “But if it goes too far and you don’t think you can handle it, call her doctor. Or 9-1-1, if that seems necessary.”

“I will. Absolutely, I will.”

Again, they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there, and making me sound like a major basket case. Of all things, they were discussing my doctor and a possible trip to the emergency room. But I didn’t protest. I was willing to take whatever chance was being presented to me.

Because at least the search for Room 105 was going to happen.

Duncan went for a walk by himself, purposely leaving me alone with Carol. He wanted to give me the opportunity to speak privately with her about my relationship with him.

“Duncan is going to stay the night,” I said, as she and I cleared the teacups and set them in the sink.

“That’s fine. I’ll make up the guest room for him.”

“He’s going to stay with me.”

She went wide-eyed. “In your room?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know about that, honey. You’re going through enough as it is and you don’t need to start something like that, especially now.”

“It’s already been started. I already slept with him. I lied to you on Friday when I told you that I was spending the night at Lori’s house. I went to Duncan’s loft instead.”

She crossed her arms, looking none too pleased. “Was he in on it? Did he help you plan the lie?”

I shook my head. “He had no idea I was going to his place. Lori helped me plan it.” I didn’t delve into the specifics, but my aunt seemed to get the gist of it.

She raised her eyebrows. “You shouldn’t have made yourself vulnerable to him like that.”

“I did it so I wouldn’t be vulnerable to him. I did it to feel strong and free.”

She sighed. “Then I suppose there isn’t anything I can do to change it. What’s done is done. But be careful with your feelings. Girls tend to get attached and boys don’t. Not that Duncan isn’t attached to you. I’m sure that he is. Or else he wouldn’t be helping you the way he is. But sex is a whole other animal.”

“I know it’s different for them.” I wasn’t about to tell her that I’d already fallen in love with him. Or how many other girls he’d been with. “But I’ll be fine, Carol.”

“Oh, honey. That’s all I want for you. To be fine. To be well. To be happy.”

“Being with Duncan makes me happy.”

“I can see that it does. And I’m glad he’s there for you. I couldn’t have a picked a better boyfriend for you, but I still want you to be careful.”

Being careful wasn’t possible, not when I was already in love with him. But I said, “Okay.”

After a stream of silence, she said, “I’m going to get ready for bed now. I’m exhausted.”

“I’m tired, too. We’ve all been through a lot today.”