Beautiful Rose (17 page)

“Can I come in, Rose?” he asked, avoiding the question. I nodded, stepping back against the wall. The ice cream container slipped out of my hands and rolled across the floor.

Laughing, Alex bent over to retrieve it.

“Things that good?” he joked, handing it to me. I took it, my face red.

“Do you want some?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Why not?” He watched me as I walked into the kitchen to grab another spoon. “So, you were sitting here, in the dark, eating ice cream?”

“So what?” I replied defensively. “You can relax, Alex. I'm not about to throw myself off the balcony because your brother is an ass.”

“You're right. He is an ass. He has this amazing, beautiful woman right in front of him, and he's too scared to move on,” he said, lightly. I glanced at him, surprised at the underlying emotion I could hear in his voice. He almost sounded angry.

 “Move on? What do you mean?” I asked, his words finally hitting me.

Alex paused, his face tensing. His dark eyes flickered as he dipped his spoon into the ice cream.

“Alex? Come on. Darcy said something similar, but then she wouldn't elaborate.” I tried to hide my frustration.

Why did I feel as though I was running in circles?

“Back in London, Jack was a bit of a playboy. He was cocky as hell, had a new woman every night . . . his longest relationship was like a week, and that was back in high school. Then he met this girl.” He turned to me, his eyes catching my own. “She completely changed him. I'd never seen my brother so smitten with a woman. Even from across the world I could see it. He fell hard for her, then he lost her.”

“She left him?” I asked, my heart pounding.

Alex shook his head. “She died,” he explained. “Jack blamed himself. He still does. That's why he is the way he is. Anyone can see how he feels about you, but he’s terrified of taking that step.”

Wow
.

This was nothing like I had imagined. There was so much I didn't know about him, and as much as the chemistry was there, maybe our backgrounds were too similar for us to have ever worked anyway.

“I—I don't know what to say,” I stammered softly. I ran my hands through my hair, untangling the knots that had formed. That’s what I got for not brushing it properly this morning. “I don't know why you’re even telling me this. I get that you love your brother, but you know me. You know all about my problems. How can you think that's what Jack needs?”

I was angry. It had been much easier to deal with when Jack was just another asshole who couldn't commit. I didn't need to know all this because all I felt now was the realization that I was the epitome of everything that was bad for him.

 “Why am I telling you this? Because I see the way you look at him. It’s the same way he looks at you.” Confusion clouded his face. “What's wrong, Rose? I thought hearing this might help you. I thought knowing Jack's past might help you see you can’t give up on him just yet.”

“Don't you get it?” I cried, jumping up. “All you've done is make me realize that I'm not what he needs. He needs stability, not some suicidal head case of a chick. You think he's going to want to be with me when he hears about my issues? His last girlfriend
died
, Alex! Why the fuck would he risk going through all that again for someone like me?”

“For someone like you?” Alex repeated, his voice harsh. “You are amazing, Rose. Quit acting like you have nothing to live for and find something that makes you feel alive!”

His voice came out as a soft growl. He was standing now, his eyes level with mine, staring so deeply into them that I felt as though he could see and feel every one of my emotions.

“Is Jack that guy? Does being with him make you feel like time could stand still and you wouldn't notice? When he kisses you, do you feel it through every part of your being, from the tips of your fingers to the little hairs on the back of your neck? When you’re not with him, are you thinking about him? Dammit Rose! Don't you see how
special
that is?”

I stumbled back, almost losing my balance.

Alex shot up and took hold of my arm, balancing me, as I fell back down onto the sofa with his arms still around me. He was so close I could feel his breath on my cheek, but I didn't dare look at him. In spite of all my efforts not to cry I could feel the tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

“I . . . I don't know. Yes, I'm falling in love with him, but that's just not enough.” I turned to Alex. “I don't know if Jack is enough,” I repeated. By now I was sobbing—big loud sobs that would rival those from a baby.

“Isn't it worth trying?” he asked gently.

“Not if it breaks Jack a second time. Alex, you know better than I do that my problems aren't going to be fixed with a relationship. What if . . . I don't know, what if six months down the road I attempt suicide again? Hell, what if I'm successful? Do you really think your brother could handle another dead girlfriend?” I asked, my voice breaking.

Alex didn't answer. His fingers gently stroked my shoulder. I buried my face in his neck as he wrapped his arms around me. For the first time in years, I let someone comfort me as I cried.

“I'm sorry Rose. I didn't think about it from your point of view. I'm sorry if I came across as aggressive. The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry. Do you want me to go?” he asked. I shook my head. Strangely enough, I didn't want to be alone right now. Who knows, maybe that was progress?

#

I opened my eyes and took a moment to adjust to my surroundings. I was lying on the couch. Arms covered my shoulders. Strong arms. Smooth olive skin.

I ran my finger down the length of the mystery arm, right to the tip of the finger. Slowly, I turned. Alex lay behind me, sprawled out. He was still asleep. His lips were slightly open and a tiny patch of drool stained the edge of his mouth. I smiled at how cute he looked.

He must have stayed all night. I didn't remember much, past our conversation about Jack. In fact, I was pretty sure I fell asleep shortly after that. The thought of Alex comforting me, holding me as I slept, sent a thrill down my spine. It was a feeling I didn't expect, and one that confused me. Because that's what I needed right now—more confusion.

I wormed my way out of his grasp, careful not to wake him. He stirred, but remained sleeping. Tiptoeing over to the kitchen, I opened the fridge to survey the breakfast options. Bacon and eggs it was, then. Quietly, I got to work. I put on the frying pan and lined the slices of bacon around the edge of it. I listened to the sound of it sizzling, and popped some bread in the toaster, and put on a pot of coffee. The aroma of crisping bacon filled the air. My stomach began to rumble, punishing me for missing dinner last night.

When I cracked the eggs into the center of the pan, they sizzled as they hit the heat. I glanced over to see Alex was awake and sitting up.

“Hey, you.” I smiled. “Hungry?”

He stood up and yawned, nodding his head as he stretched out his arms. “Starving,” he admitted. “Mugs?” he asked as he walked into the kitchen. I pointed to the top cupboard.

“Smells delicious.”

“Thanks.” I began piling two plates with bacon and eggs, and placed the toast on another plate.

 We carried everything over to the dining table and sat down. The room was silent as we began to eat. Not an awkward silence, where you feel like you need to fill it—almost like a contented silence.

“Thanks for staying over. You didn't have to do that,” I said, covering my mouth.

He shrugged. “It was nothing. Besides,” he added, chuckling, “you looked so sweet, asleep and snoring away, that I couldn't possibly have woken you.”

“I do not snore,” I retorted, blushing. Honestly, I had no idea whether I did or not.

He laughed, and piled another forkful of eggs into his mouth.

“Well, maybe I do, but at least I don't drool,” I grumbled.

His eyebrows shot up. “Hey, that was low!” he complained, wiping the corners of his mouth.

“What?” I shrugged. “It was cute. Reminded me of a little puppy.” I laughed.

He rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed. I was glad the tension that had been there between us the previous night had all but vanished. Things were back to the way they were before.

“So, what are your plans for today?” he asked me. I shrugged, pretending not to notice the way his tongue ran over his lip after he'd eaten. He reminded me so much of Jack that it wasn't funny. They may not have thought they were alike, but they sure as hell were.

“I don't know. I might go for a walk. And I guess I better call Jack and see if I still have a job.”

“Why wouldn't you?” he asked, confused.

“Well, because I just walked out last night. And he seemed pretty pissed.” I hesitated. “And I'm not even sure I want the damn job anymore,” I added softly.

“Rose!” he exploded.

I winced. Just the reaction I'd been expecting.

“You still have a job, and you’re going, okay?” I nodded, my eyes wide.

Damn, Alex was intimidating when he went all authoritative on my ass.

“Just go in as you normally would. I'll handle my brother.” I nodded again, wondering what “handling his brother” would entail.

Now, my version of handling Jack . . . I blushed. Why had I gone there?

After we finished breakfast and cleaned up, an act Alex had insisted on helping me with, he left, and I went upstairs to visit Darcy. Eventually she opened the door wearing her underwear and a tank top still looking half-asleep.

“Rose? What the hell? It's like . . .” Her voice trailed off as she glanced around, trying to find the time.

“Eleven in the morning?” I supplied.

She frowned at me.

“Yeah, well that might as well be six in the morning to me.” She waved me inside. “Coffee. I need coffee,” she muttered, heading for the kitchen.

I followed her, my eyes on her ass. If I looked as good as her half-naked, I'd walk around in my underwear too.

“Everything all right?” she asked, suddenly.

“Yeah. No. I'm not sure,” I admitted. I sat down on the barstool as she made the coffee. “Alex came over last night and we talked.” Darcy raised her eyebrows.

“What?” I groaned. “Talked. That's it. And mostly about Jack.”

“Uh-huh. And?” she pressed.

“He told me about his ex-girlfriend, and how she died.”

Darcy nodded sympathetically. “So sad, right? And so young. I feel so bad every time I look at him. All I think about is how hard that would have been to go through. I couldn't imagine losing Benj.”

“It is sad,” I agreed. I reached over and took the mug she had pushed across my way. “I can't do it, Darcy.”

“Do what? Jack? Honey, you've already done him.” She winked.

I laughed at her joke. “Darcy, I'm not well.” Her eyes widened. “I mean, I'm fine physically, but I have some pretty serious issues, well, mentally.”

Darcy sighed, her hand flying to her chest. “Shit, Rose. I thought you were going to tell me you have incurable cancer or something,” she said. “Honey, we all have issues. Nobody is perfect.”

“No, it's more serious than that.” I tried to get the words right in my head. “I've tried to kill myself eight times. The first time was when I was seven. The last time was about two weeks before I started at the bar.”

Darcy's eyes went even wider. She rushed around the counter and threw her arms around me.

“Oh Rose, I don't even know what to say. I mean, I knew you had issues with your parents, but I never thought this . . .”

“My parents basically disowned me when I checked myself out of the rehab facility. The same one Alex works at,” I added, laying out the dots to be connected. She led me over to the sofa.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked after we sat down. “I’ve never been suicidal, but I do know what it is like to be depressed. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.”

“I don’t even know how to explain it. Most of the time I guess I feel okay. At least, okay enough not to off myself. I’ve never been properly diagnosed with anything other than major depression and generalized anxiety, but when I do start to feel…like that, it comes on suddenly. Without any warning.”

I was surprised at how easily the words were coming out. Darcy felt safe. I didn’t feel judged talking to her about this. It was almost a relief getting it all out.

“Is there medication? Or treatment you can try?” She blushed, looking down. “Gosh, I can be so rude sometimes Rose. Tell me to shut up. I’ll understand.”

I laughed. “Talking to you is actually helping. I never had many friends growing up. I pushed people away so they wouldn’t get close to me. You’re the first non-therapist I’ve ever spoken to about this.” I was telling her more than my own parents knew.

“Anytime you want to talk to someone, I’m here, okay?” She smiled at me and reached for my hand. “I can’t get over how strong you are.” She shook her head slowly.

Strong? That’s something I’d never attributed to myself.

I shrugged. “I don’t know about that, but I guess I’m still here. That says something.”

Darcy eyed me, her tongue running over her lips. She looked like a girl with something on her mind.

“What?” I asked.

“I’m trying not to let the morbid side of me show,” she hesitated. “How did you do it? When I hear about suicides, that’s the first thing I think of.” She threw her hands over her face. “God, don’t answer that,” her muffled voice cried.

“It’s fine Darcy. I don’t have trouble talking about it. The first time? It was pills. That was when I was seven. Then when I was eight I found some sleeping tablets and took them. When I was eleven, I discovered that cutting myself made some of the pain go away. Only I cut too deep one day and severed an artery.” That day was the closest I’d come to death. The only thing that had saved me was our extremely quick thinking Maid. “Age twelve, fifteen and sixteen were all overdoes. Mostly sleeping tablets, and some anti-anxiety meds I was on. The last attempt? Well, that’s how I got these.” I extended my wrists to show her the scars.

She gasped, her eyes filled with horror.

“I feel so upset that someone as wonderful as you would think that was your only option.” She wiped away tears. “Why?”