Beautiful Rose (18 page)

“Because in that moment dying didn’t seem nearly as painful as living.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. She was going to have me crying too soon. “I wish things didn’t get that bad, where killing myself feels like the best option, but I go through life feeling like it’s all an act. Eventually that gets to me and I just want to give up the charade. My last attempt…before, when I was at college I kissed guys and I gossiped with girls—all the things you’d expect a normal twenty-two-year-old to do. It got too much. I got sick of the act, and in my warped mind, killing myself was the only way for me to be myself.” I laughed at how stupid that sounded.

“Promise me you’ll talk to me if you feel down? Or even if you just want to gossip about Jack,” she winked.

We both laughed. I wrapped my arms around her. So this was what it felt like to have a true friend. 

Chapter Eighteen

Jack

Fifteen minutes early—for once—I knocked on Alex’s door.

I’d invited myself over for dinner, which Alex was more than happy to accommodate. Closing the bar a few nights a week had its advantages. I had an agenda, of course. I needed to hear it from him. My suspicions weren’t enough. I wanted to hear him say he was in love with her. The door opened and Alex stood there looking like quite the housewife in his red apron. I chuckled.

“What? I don’t want pasta sauce all over my clothes.”

I followed him into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Alex had a nice place. It was very open and uncluttered. His taste in furniture was very classy and modern. I walked over to the two matching leather armchairs that faced the television and slumped down.

“It’s almost ready.” Alex handed me the remote as he sat down and popped open his beer. Turning on the TV, I ran through the stations until I found something to watch. Old episodes of
Community
. 

We ate dinner in front of the TV, laughing at the show. I kept waiting for the right time to broach the subject. But was there ever really a ‘right’ time to ask your brother if he was in love with the same girl you are? I placed my empty plate on the glass coffee table with more gusto than intended.

“Geez, watch it,” Alex complained.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it. Damn. This was harder than I thought it would be. I took a deep breath.

“Alex, are you in love with Rose?”
Typical Jack, straight to the point
.
Alex quietly set his plate on top of mine. He turned to me, his expression pained.

“Why would you ask me that?”

“Because I think that you are.”

Alex shook his head. “I’m not in love with her. I care about her a lot. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened between us if you hadn’t have come along…” His voice trailed off.

“So you
could
fall in love with her,” I clarified. This news didn’t make me feel any better.

“It doesn’t matter, Jack. She’s in love with you, and you’re in love with her. And I’m not in love with anyone.”

“But—.”

“No, there is nothing else to say. I love her like a friend. I don’t want to see her hurt, just like I don’t want to see you hurt. If I sometimes seem too emotionally invested in your relationship, it’s because I so badly want to see you both happy.”

“I can’t do it.” I growled suddenly.

Alex looked at me in surprise.

"I can’t go through that again, Alex. I'm so scared of losing her. Losing her now would break my heart, but letting her in and then losing her . . . what if she tries to kill herself again? Then what? I can’t do this to myself."

"I don't know, Jack. What happened with Belle was horrible, but you can’t keep that from letting you experience love again. What if you lost her without telling her how you feel? What’s worse? To love and lose, or to lose without love? The pain will still be there, regardless." Alex's words sliced through me like a scalpel, leaving a deep open wound.

We both sat there, the silence engulfing us.
When did life get so fucked up?
The question made me laugh. When
wasn't
my life fucked up was a more appropriate question. Alex glanced at me curiously.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Just thinking about how fucked up my life is. And how it all stems back to one person."

"Mom?" Alex guessed.

I nodded. "I don't think I ever dealt with her abandoning us. And even Dad—that wound feels raw, like all I've done is covered it up. Hid it away." I looked at him, wondering if I was making any sense at all.

"I know. When I left London for here, I don't think I'd worked through any of the issues with Dad. In a sense, I suppose all I did was run away."

"And now?" I asked.

Alex thought for a moment. "I've come to terms with the fact that Dad is never going to give me closure. No matter what we do, he is not going to give us what we need to close that wound. I think once I realized that—and I mean
really
realized it—things became easier."

I nodded. What he was saying made sense, but I needed to do more than just hear it. I needed to believe it.

Chapter Nineteen

Jack

The laptop sat on my desk, open to Google. I sat back on the chair, my fingers strumming against my thigh. Did I really want to do this? After nearly twenty years, what could she possibly say to me that would make things right? What if I found her and she didn't even want to speak to me?

My mind wandered to Alex. He had no idea I was doing this. If she didn't want to see me, fine, I could live with that, but if she did, that wasn’t something I could keep from my brother. I felt like I was almost betraying him by going behind his back.

Fuck. Just do this, Jack.

I leaned forward and grabbed the laptop. When I plugged in my mother’s name, the screen filled with page after page. Over one million results.
Great
. I racked my brain, trying to think of anything that might help me. I knew that both of her parents were dead, she had no brothers or sisters, and there was a damn good chance she’d changed her name after she left us. This was hopeless.

Picking up the phone, I called Benj.

“Hey man,” he said.

“Hey. Look, I need a favor. Do you know any private investigators? I need to find someone who is pretty well hidden.” Benj had worked a lot of security, so I figured he was my best chance of finding a decent one.

“A P.I.? Shit, Jack, not what I expected to be asked this early on a Friday morning.” He chuckled. “Um, yeah. My cousin used one last year to catch his wife cheating. Apparently he was pretty thorough. I'll get his details for you.”

“Great. And Benj?” I asked.

He laughed. “Lemme guess, keep this to myself?”

I chuckled. “You got it.”

#

Downstairs, I began to prepare for a private event that evening. The entire venue was booked out for a party of thirty-five people. It was these kinds of nights I loved—a small crowd, but maximum dollars. Tonight's party was in honor of a well-known actor, though I hadn't been given any details on who the guest of honor was. All I knew was that they had money. The price they were paying for the venue, the band and the private catering exceeded my monthly income. I just hoped they liked to drink.

Who was I kidding? They were actors; of course they liked to drink.

I looked up as the front door opened. Anger surged through me as I realized who it was. Storming over to the door, I shook my head in disgust.

“Are you fucking serious? How many times do I have to tell you it’s over?” I groaned.

Harmony frowned, her hands on her hips.

“I thought you just needed some time to cool down—”

“Cool down?” I said, incredulously. “Harmony, it’s over. Do I need to spell it out for you? Just go latch onto some other guy,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. This chick just didn't get it. I didn't want to be an asshole, but it was the only way she was going to get the message and leave me the fuck alone. “Just fuck off and stay away from me and my bar.”

Her face clouded over as her eyes narrowed. “You'll regret this, Jack. Nobody makes a fool out of me.”

“Yeah, because you do such a good job of it yourself,” I smirked.

My eyes remained on hers as they filled with a look that could only be described as venomous. Without another word, she turned on her heel and stalked out the door, slamming it behind her.

“What the fuck,” I murmured, shaking my head. The chick was insane. I just hoped she got the message now. As an afterthought, I clicked the lock on the door.

I returned back to my paperwork. Still reeling from Harmony's visit, I picked up my phone and texted Alex.

Come over when you're free. Could use someone to talk to.

I chuckled as I pressed send. I gave him ten minutes to get here. Alex had been forever at me to get some counseling and for three years I'd been knocking him back, saying I didn't need to. The idea of helping me would be too good for him to pass up.

My phone beeped. I picked it up, expecting Alex, but saw that it was Benj.

His name’s Tony. All I have is an email:
[email protected]

I'd almost forgotten about the private investigator.
Almost.

I flicked open my laptop and opened my email. Quickly, I typed out an email to this Tony dude before I could change my mind.

I shut the laptop and pushed it aside just as Alex began to pound on the front door. I glanced at my watch and laughed.
Twelve minutes. Impressive, little bro.

“You sure got here fast,” I commented, locking the door after him.

“Yeah, well you made it sound kind of urgent.”

I made a face. “Sorry about that. Not so much urgent as me just needing to get some things off my chest. Drink?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Working later. But don't let me stop you,” he added dryly. I chuckled. As if he ever could.

“So, where were you?” I asked. “You must've been nearby?”

“Yeah, I was having coffee with Rose,” he replied evenly. My grip on the tap tightened at the mention of her name. Suddenly she was in my mind again, her body up against my bare skin, her lips tasting mine . . .

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, giving me a funny look. “Is this about Rose?” His voice was softer. “And Belle?”

I snapped at the sound of her name. I knew exactly why it bothered me, because the thought of her with anyone else ripped my heart out, but being with her made me feel guilty; like I was hurting Belle. I had no idea what to do. I’d called Alex to tell him about hiring the P.I to find our mother, but now, all I wanted to do was talk about Belle and Rose

“Every time I think about being with Rose, I can’t turn my guilt off.” I sat down at the nearest table, my head falling into my arms. “I fucked up so badly with Belle, and everything. I’m not sure I can get past that.”

“You will. It will take time, but slowly you’ll be able to accept that what you’re feeling for Rose in no way erases what you had with Belle. Jack do you…” he hesitated. “Are you still in contact with Luke?”

I shook my head. “He sends the odd email, updating their life. I can’t reply. I can’t talk to Luke without thinking about how much I hurt them. Then I think about how Sally doesn’t even know about my involvement with Belle and it’s all too much.” I’d been shocked that Luke had forgiven me. There was no way Sally could ever get past my relationship with her sister leading up to her death.

“Maybe that’s where you need to start. Talk to Luke. Start with an email, and gradually work up to a phone conversation. You might have moved on, but you still harbor so much guilt over Belle. It’s not healthy.”

That’s why my brother was so good at his job. He knew just what to say. I nodded. That’s where I would start. An email to Luke. I could handle that.

“Thanks,” I mumbled. “But don’t think this ‘talking shit out’ thing is going to become a regular thing,” I warned.

Alex laughed. “Of course not. Jack Falcon is like Chuck Norris. He doesn’t have feelings,” he quipped.

Chapter Twenty

Rose

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I let myself inside. I’d had a really good talk with Alex, and I was finally feeling better about the whole Jack situation. The place was empty—again. It seemed like Marina maybe stayed there once or twice a month. I didn't mind though. Having my own space was really growing on me, and knowing Benj and Darcy were just upstairs was reassuring.

The buzz from the refrigerator echoed through the quiet room. I flicked the lights on then walked over to the TV and turned that on, too.

After letting the blinds down I began to unbutton my top, discarding it on the floor as I walked through to my bedroom. One of the good things about being alone was I didn't have to worry about cleaning up after myself right away. I could leave it till morning.

Unzipping my skirt, I eased myself out of it, kicking it aside as I turned on the lights in the bedroom.

“Hello Rose.”

I screamed, backing into the wall as my heart jumped into my mouth. What the hell? I blinked several times, sure I was imagining the figure sitting in front of me on my bed. But there was no mistake. Harmony smiled up at me, her eyes full of something I couldn't quite decipher. All I knew was it made my skin crawl.

“What the hell are you doing here? How did you even get in?” I gasped, reaching for my bathrobe to cover myself. Sliding it on, I wrapped it tightly around myself.

She rolled her eyes. “Jack used to live here? You'd be surprised how well I know that fire escape out there. You really should get that lock fixed, by the way,” she added, feigning concern.

“What do you want, Harmony?” I asked, wishing I'd left my skirt on. My phone lay in its pocket.

“Relax, Rose. I'm not here to hurt you. I just wanted to chat.” She smiled again and patted the bed next to her.