Beautiful Rose (22 page)

All things considered. That translated to “the fact that I’m in love with her.” Even though he had denied he was in love with her, part of me still didn’t buy it.

I nodded. “That’s probably wise.”

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

I struggled to hide my surprise. “What?”

Alex laughed. “Come on, Jack. I know you better than anyone. You won’t meet my eyes. You’re tense. You’re doing that twitchy thing you do with your thumb when you get nervous.” I glanced down at my hand. Sure enough, my right thumb was moving back and forth rapidly. I laughed. I couldn’t fool my brother.

“I decided something last night. About Rose.”

Alex tensed, his shoulders freezing. “Oh yeah?”

I cleared my throat, which was suddenly very dry. “Decided probably isn’t the right word . . . I admitted something. You were right. I
am
in love with her.”

“That’s great,” he said, even managing a smile. Only, his eyes weren’t smiling. I couldn’t pretend not to notice the pain hiding there.

“Jack. If you’re trying to tell me you want to be with her, I’m happy for you.” He spoke so softly I could barely hear him. How could he be so relaxed about all this?

“It’s not that easy. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Me?” Alex laughed. “Trust me, I’ll be fine.” He eyed me curiously. “You’d really give up a chance at happiness for me?”

“Of course I would. You’re my family. I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”

Alex sighed, and leaned across the table. “It doesn’t matter how I feel. She loves
you
, Jack. Anyone can see how strongly she feels about you.”

“But—”

“No buts,” he interrupted. “After all you’ve been through, you deserve to be happy. And the same goes for her. I knew from the first time you met there was some sort of a connection between you two.” He raised his eyebrows and smiled. “That may have been part of the reason you ended up with her as your waitress.”

I hesitated. I wasn’t ready to buy into his act just yet. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Honestly, it was nothing more than a crush. I’m done, honest,” he assured me. “There is already someone else I have my eye on,” he added. Now I was completely suspicious.

“Really?” I asked, arching my eyebrow. “Funny that you’ve never mentioned her.”

Alex shrugged. “I only met her last week. She’s my newest colleague at work.”

“What’s her name?”

“Amber,” he replied smoothly. “Anyway, the point is, you and Rose should go for it. Honestly, I’m happy for you.”

“Come here.” I stood up and motioned for him to hug me. He laughed, but stood and hugged me. Of course, right at that moment, the guys arrived back, coffees in tow.

“Do you boys need a few more moments to hug it out?” mocked Ash, handing over our coffees and a brown paper bag. I laughed as I peeked inside. The smell of croissant hit my senses. My hand dove into the bag and pulled one of them out. Fuck, I was hungry. I glared at Ash as I shoved the pastry into my mouth.

#

“I can’t believe we did it,” Rose murmured. She twirled around, taking in the whole place.
Clean
. Apart from the paint peeling off the walls near the bar, and the stairs—the bottom four of which were almost entirely burnt through—you’d never have known anything had happened.

“Thank you so much guys,” I mumbled. My voice choked up. God, I was getting emotional again. “Pizza at Alex’s tonight, for all of you. My way of saying thanks.”

“That sounds great, but we have other plans,” Darcy announced.

Benj looked confused. “We do?” He gasped as his question earned him a punch in the stomach. “Right, we do.”

Under Darcy’s glare, Ash backed out, too. I shook my head. For a tiny little thing, she sure had those guys under her thumb.

“Well, that leaves us three.” I shrugged, too tired to care what was going on here.

Alex grimaced. “Not me, I have a late shift tonight. But you two go for it.”

I raised my eyebrows at Rose. “I suppose you have sudden plans too?”

“Actually, no. Pizza sounds good.” She giggled. God, it was good to hear her laugh, especially after the last few days. Things were finally beginning to fall into place.

“Good. I’ll see you at seven.” I turned to the others. “Thanks again guys. I’ll keep you updated, but I’m hopeful we’ll be able to open next Thursday.”

“See you later. I’ll be home about eleven.” Alex paused, his eyes narrowing. “Or maybe I should call first. I wouldn’t want to interrupt anything,” he added, slyly.

I grabbed him by the back of the shirt and pushed him out the door as Rose’s face went bright red. “Go! Now!” I said, laughing.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Rose

What am I doing?

I paced the living room, as I had been for the past half hour, that’s what. It was getting closer and closer to seven, and I’d picked up the phone at least a dozen times, ready to call and cancel. But in the end I couldn’t do it. I had to tell him in person.

Grabbing my jacket and my keys, I raced out the door, pushing the elevators down button. As I waited, an elderly woman approached. At first she smiled at me, then her gaze fell to my wrist. The smile froze on her face.

Well this, is awkward.
We stood in front of the doors, the worst silence lingering between us. Suddenly, I was eleven, and in the schoolyard again, with four girls surrounding me and calling me a freak. They were pointing at the large pink jagged scar on my wrist. I ignored them as best I could, but words hurt. Words like that stay with you forever, and make you doubt every last thing about yourself that you once thought was good.

I turned and pushed open the door to the stairwell, unable to take the judgment any longer. How long until Jack started judging me too? He could say he understood all he wanted, but how was he going to cope if I tried to kill myself again? I wasn’t foolish enough to think love was going to cure all my problems.

#

Alex lived less than five minutes away, but in Brooklyn traffic it turned into twenty. I parked the car and made my way over to his apartment block.
Great, now I’m late.
Not that it mattered. This was going to be a short visit. I wasn’t staying for pizza because I didn’t have the strength to pull myself away from what would inevitably happen after pizza. No, I was going to get in there, say my piece, and leave.

My heart was beating like a sledgehammer in my chest when I knocked on the door. He opened it right away and leaned against the frame. His eyes trailed slowly over my body before her raised them to meet mine. My resolve began to melt away.

How can I stay strong when every part of me wants him?

“You look incredible.”

“Thanks,” I somehow responded. My tongue felt like rubber. I looked like I always did: jeans, a sweater and my slip-ons. My hair was down, and probably out of control.

He, on the other hand looked stunning. His hair, my god, I just wanted to bury my face in it. I could smell the coconut in his shampoo from here. His dark button down shirt hugged his body, outlining his athletic frame. He wore dark fitted jeans that hung low on his hips.

“Rose? I’m up here,” he chuckled. My face blazed as I realized I’d been staring at his crotch.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. He moved aside to let me in. The hammering in my chest didn’t seem to be going anywhere soon.

Somehow, I made my way over to the sofa, where I sort of collapsed down into the seat. You know when your limb falls asleep, followed by intense pins and needles that make you want to cry? That’s how my legs felt.

“Are you hungry?” he asked. He sat beside me and passed me a menu. I glanced over it and then set it aside on the arm of my chair, knowing that if I didn’t get this out now I never would.

“Jack, I need to tell you something—”

“Me first. Please. Look, I had all this planned out in my head, but now you’re here, I can’t remember anything but how beautiful you are. Rose, I’m a guy with a lot of issues. Some I’ve worked through, some I haven’t. There are things I might never get over, but I’m going to try.” He took a breath, and reached for my hand. “I don’t know how much you know about Belle, but she was the first girl I ever had real feelings for. When I lost her, I lost all hope of ever falling in love again. More than that, I’d convinced myself I never
wanted
love again. When you . . . the other day, when I found out you’d . . .” He glanced down at my wrist. “The first thing that went through my head was, ‘What if you died without knowing how much I love you?’”

Tears welled in my eyes. I swiped at them, furious at myself for crying. “Jack . . .”

“I love you Rose, and I want to be with you. I want to go to sleep with you at night, and then wake up with you in my arms in the morning. I want to be the person you turn to when you’re upset. I want to share my life with you.” I stared at him in horror. “This isn’t a proposal, by the way.” He smirked, mistaking my expression for shock. “Not yet, anyway,” he joked. He leaned over slowly. I knew what he was doing yet I couldn’t bring myself to pull away.

When his lips touched mine I felt my world collapse. I loved him so much. Not being with him was going to tear me apart, but I
had
to think about him.

I forced my lips away. His brow crinkled in confusion as he tried to work out what was wrong. I wiped away the new gush of tears, then took his hand.
Say it. Get it over with
.

“Jack. I can’t be with you,” I choked out.

“What do you mean? Is this about your sister?” he asked gently. My mouth dropped open. He
knew
about that? “Harmony told me. Honestly, Rose, it was an accident, and something we can work through together.”

I shook my head. “It’s not that . . . After everything you’ve been through, you deserve someone who can be there for you. I don’t know if I can be that person.”

Jack shook his head, frustration in his eyes. “What are you talking about? Of course you can be that person. I don’t want anyone else. Only you. This isn’t about poor Jack finally moving on. This is about
me
falling in love with
you
.” He cupped my chin and brought my eyes up to meet his. “Do you love me?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Then that’s all that matters. We work the rest out as we go.”

“It’s not that simple. I love you with all my heart, but I don’t know if that’s enough . . . I couldn’t handle it if . . .” My voice broke. I couldn’t even say it. “How would you cope if I killed myself?”

“I wouldn’t,” he said simply.

“That’s the problem! I can’t promise you that it won’t happen again. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but I can’t be the person responsible for ruining you. I couldn’t handle that guilt.”

“Rose, you’d be dead. There would be no guilt,” he pointed out. In spite of myself I laughed.

“You know what I mean, Jack.”

“This is ridiculous. You may or may not be hit by a bus tomorrow. What’s the difference?” he asked, throwing his hands up.

“I’m sorry Jack. I’ve made up my mind. I have to go.” I reached for my keys and bolted for the door. I could feel him right behind me.

“Rose, please talk to me.”

I opened the door and raced to the stairs. “I can’t, Jack. Just let it go, please,” I begged him. I ran down the stairs, relieved that he didn’t follow me, because I was bawling my eyes out.

#

My eyes were still red and puffy when I knocked on Darcy’s door.

“Rose! What the hell happened?” she gasped, ushering me inside. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m okay. I just needed someone to talk to,” I said in a small voice.

Darcy nodded. “Of course. Go out on the balcony and I’ll bring out a drink. Benj is practicing his guitar,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I suppose it’s better than the drums.”

I stepped out onto the balcony, my eyes stinging from the cool breeze. I sat down on one of the patio chairs and closed my eyes. Why did things have to be so hard? I knew talking to Jack was going to be hard, but I hadn’t expected to feel this low afterwards. Had I done the right thing? In my efforts not to be selfish, had I done just that?

The sound of the sliding door opening made me force my eyes back open. I smiled and took the glass of juice from Darcy.

“What happened? I take it dinner didn’t go as planned?” she asked, frowning. I shook my head and smiled. “Oh Rose. Don’t give up on him. He is such a great guy—”

“No, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me,” I interrupted her, realizing she thought he had shot me down. Darcy gaped at me, her shocked expression was almost comical.

“What? Rose,
why?
”

“I’m terrified of him one day resenting me. I’m terrified of him losing me. I’m terrified of letting him love me.”

“Why would he resent you?” she spoke softly, with such concern. “Honey, he loves you.”

“I know he loves me. But how can I be with him when I’m so wrong in the head? Can you imagine what he’d do if I killed myself? He blamed himself for Belle’s death for so long; the thought of that happening again breaks my heart.”

Darcy set her juice down and took my hand and squeezed it. “You might be doing him more harm by denying his love. Imagine how hard it would’ve been for him to admit he was ready to move on. That would’ve been a huge step for him. What if he doesn’t find another you? Then what? He fills up the hole in his life with ‘Harmonys’?”

I screwed up my nose at the mention of her name.

“Exactly,” Darcy declared.

“I need time to think,” I mumbled. My mind was such a mess.

“So think. But remember, you deserve to be happy as much as he does. And what if being with Jack does make a difference to how you feel? Maybe the thing that’s been missing in your life is unconditional love . . . something you never had from your parents.” I couldn’t believe how wise Darcy was sometimes. Everything was saying made perfect sense.

I needed to go home, sleep, and think about what
I
wanted. And then just hope like hell I wasn’t too late.