Beautiful Rose (16 page)

But that’s what I am doing
.

I gave in when it suited me, and ignored her when it got too much. It was a dick of a way to treat someone, and very reminiscent of the ‘old’ me. In the very least, she deserved an explanation.

“Come outside with me, then.” I pushed the door open and waited until she had moved past me. Following her outside, I threw open the dumpster and offloaded the bag. Then I turned to face her, my expression level. I was in control.

As I waited for her to speak, I thrust my hands so far into my pockets that my fingers jammed against my thighs. I didn’t trust myself not to reach out to her. I so badly wanted to feel her hands on mine, or run my fingers down the side of her beautiful face. But, if I did that, I didn’t think I could stop. In all honesty, what I wanted to do was take her in my arms and hurl her against the wall and feel myself slide inside her again.

"You close yourself off. It's like there’s an invisible barrier around you, and you don't let anyone past that point. One minute I think you want to let me in, and then as quickly as that thought enters my head, you close off." She threw her head back and exhaled, frustrated. Upset. Annoyed.

I didn't know what to say. She was right; I did push people away. But how could I explain to her why?

"I don't do it to hurt you, Rose," I said quietly. "I'm just not . . . looking for anything other than friendship with you." I almost laughed as I choked the words out. They couldn't be further from the truth. How could I tell the girl I was falling for that I didn't deserve to be loved?

"I push love away too Jack, but unlike you, I'm not afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of being the one that hurts you."

What did she mean by that? I stiffened, and turned to face her. My eyes met hers. I'd been so wrapped up in my own issues, that I hadn't considered her. All I saw was a pretty girl who had gotten under my skin and into my heart—someone, who deserved a hell of a lot more than I could ever offer her.

"What do you mean? How could you hurt anyone?" I reached for her hands, my fingers running over uneven skin. Glancing down, I saw them. Two identical scars running down each wrist, both a couple of inches long, both looking reasonably fresh. I looked up, my eyes catching her, searching for answers she wasn't ready to give. Instinctively, she pulled her hands away.

“Rose, what is this?” I asked her roughly, grabbing at her wrists again. I didn't need her to tell me. The twisted anxiety I was feeling in the pit of my stomach told me I knew what those scars were from.

She shook her head. "Look, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable." She reached for the door.

Without thinking, I stepped forward and turned her until she faced me. My lips were against hers, with no thought or understanding of what I was doing . . . to both of us. All I cared about was the fire burning deep inside of me that could only be extinguished by
her
. She kissed me back, her lips full of passion and need, then pulled away from me, shock in her eyes.

“What do you want from me, Jack?” she yelled. Her mouth fell open as her eyes searched mine for answers—anything that would explain my actions to her. She yanked the door open and disappeared into the bar, not waiting for an answer.

"Rose, wait!" I called. She flinched, her body tensing for the briefest moment. I stepped inside, ready to go after her. No sooner than I was inside she was off again, this time right out the front door.

#

 “Where did Rose go?” Darcy asked me, confused.

The night was barely half over, and if Rose was anything, it was a hard worker. She wouldn't up and leave for no reason, and I wasn’t the only one who knew it. The way Darcy was glaring at me right now made me wonder how much she knew. She and Rose had been getting close, but how close? I’d known Darcy for two years. She was such a strong and protective person and if she thought a friend was in trouble she’d do anything to help.

“She wasn't feeling well,” I replied.

“Oh . . . do you want . . . should I check on her?” she asked awkwardly. “You’ve got six other staff on and if she's not well . . .”

“Sure, go,” I sighed and turned around, taking in the near empty bar. Mondays and Wednesdays were so dead there was barely any point in opening. I was losing money, having to pay staff and electricity on those days. The smart thing to do was close two days a week, but I was too stubborn to act on that yet.

“You guys may as well go too,” I called out to Ash and Benj. They nodded. “I think maybe closing a couple of nights a week might be the way to go, then focus on getting full capacity the days we are open. I'll work on some rosters tonight and get back to you guys,” I muttered, admitting defeat. I was rambling, but I didn't care. I just wanted them all gone.

After they'd left, I buzzed Alex. It went straight through to his voicemail, so I left him a message telling him to come over. I needed to know more about Rose, stuff that only Alex might know. But I also knew my brother, and I knew that I was probably not going to get the information I wanted from him. He had too much respect to break her confidence just because I asked.

While I waited for him, I tried to plan out the next two weeks at the bar. We had two functions next week and those, combined with the open mic nights, meant things should pick up. The weekends and the open mic nights were still flat out busy, but I was more than a little disappointed that the success hadn't carried over to every evening.

Alex walked in just as I finished planning for the second function. He looked around, surprised that I had closed so early.

“Beer?” I asked him, standing up. I stretched my legs, my left one cramping from sitting down for so long. He nodded and sat down in one of the booths lining the side wall. I carried over the beers, pushing his across to him.

“Quiet night?”

I nodded. “I'm going to start closing Monday through to Wednesday. I'll move Tuesday’s open mic to Sunday. That’ll give me a couple of days to recover, and I can concentrate on making this the place to be on the weekends.” My words surprised even me. I was sounding organized. I was less focused on what wasn’t working, and more on how I could make things better.

“Sounds like a plan,” Alex agreed. “You've been working way too hard anyway; a few days off will do you good,” he added, his eyebrow lifting. I shrugged. “You okay? You seem . . . down. If it's this place, don't worry. You're doing more than well enough to cover a few days off during the week.”

“No, it's not work. It’s Rose.” I rubbed my forehead, trying to ease the sudden headache that had shot across my eyes. "What’s her deal, Alex?" I asked him.

"You know I can’t tell you that," he sighed, leaning back on his chair. His eyes grew serious as he looked at me.

"Should I be worried about her?" I asked.

He looked at me, surprised.
"Are
you worried about her?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Do you like her, Jack?"

"I'm her boss. If she's in trouble, then I want to help," I replied, ignoring the question.

"Why the fuck can't you just admit you like her?" he growled. His fist came down hard on the wooden surface of the table. I rarely saw my brother react, but here he was, frustrated at my stubbornness.
Why was he so invested in this?

"Because it’s none of your fucking business!" I yelled. I took a breath and closed my eyes, trying to calm the anger that was pulsing through my veins. "Is she in trouble?"

"Jack, I can't tell you that." He responded, looking away from me. "If you think she might be in some kind of trouble, ask her. Talk to her, not me. I can't tell you anything.” Silence followed his statement. He was right, but I was still so pissed off — more with myself, than anyone else.

“We slept together,” I mumbled.

“What?” Alex said, his voice almost a shout. I looked at him, surprised by his reaction. Sure, I'd expected some shit from him, but he sounded way more emotional than he should have.

“When? So you
do
fucking like her, and don't deny it, Jack.”

“I like her. But that's irrelevant. I'm so messed up.”

His expression softened and I saw the
last
thing I wanted to see in his eyes; pity. I didn't need anyone feeling sorry for me. Pity was for the weak. For people out of control. I wasn't that person. I'd worked my ass off to get away from that person.

“You're not messed up, Jack. You were hurt. Lots of people get hurt, man, you need to put yourself out there again.” He paused for a minute. “You're not the guy you were three years ago.”

“How different am I?” I challenged. “If anything, I'm more fucked up than I was back then.”

“Do you still think about her?” he asked gently.

I thought about lying and saying no. But then I thought,
what’s the fucking point?

“Every day. Every day I run through those last twenty-four hours. Every single day I think about what I had and how I lost it. Every
fucking
day I think about my last words to her. And that makes me realize I don't deserve to be happy.”

“So you think Rose could make you happy?”

I shot him a look. “I think I would ruin her,” I responded coldly.
Just like I did Belle.

Alex shook his head. “See, I think you're scared. I think Rose makes you feel something you haven't felt since Belle, and I think that scares the hell out of you. This bullshit about you not deserving to be happy? I think that's all just a cover to protect yourself from getting hurt.” He stood up and leaned across the table, his eyes level with mine. “But you know what? Some things are worth risking getting hurt for. You fucked up. But learn from it, goddammit! Learn from that and move on. Do things right this time. Don't you think its worse not moving on? Doesn't that make everything that happened with Belle worthless?”

I didn't answer. Alex sighed and shook his head. What he didn't realize was just how deeply his words had affected me. He reached for the last of his beer and gulped it down.

“I gotta go.” Grabbing his jacket, he turned to face me. “I can't tell you what you want to hear about Rose, but what I
can
tell you is this; don't fuck with her. She is too special of a person to get lost in your shit.”

I watched Alex walk out the door, wondering to myself just how long my brother had been in love with Rose.

Looking back, the signs had been there for a while now—I'd just been too self-absorbed to realize. So now I was not only an asshole in general, but I was also quite possibly the worst brother in the world. Alex hadn't had much in the way of a girlfriend since he broke up with Carolyn, the girl he followed to the States. He’d had a few dates here and there, but nothing long-term and, to my knowledge, no real interest in being in a relationship.

Until now.

Chapter Seventeen

Rose

Alone again. Most of the time I loved having my own space, but every now and then I missed the company of others.

Like tonight. After walking out of work, I wasn't even sure if I had a job to go back to. Then again, I didn't even know if I still wanted the job, given the way things were with Jack.

I grabbed a spoon, a pint of ice cream from the freezer, and lay down on the sofa in the darkness. I liked the darkness. In a strange way, it comforted me. Even as a child I'd preferred a pitch-black room over a light filled one. I'd never used a nightlight.

The knock at the door startled me. For a brief moment, I wondered if it was Jack . . . no, I hoped it was Jack. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn't, though. The spoon hanging from my mouth, I flung the door open to see Darcy standing there, smiling at me sympathetically. I managed a smile back. How could I nicely say that I wanted to be alone? I wasn't in the mood for company, and if we started talking about Jack, which I knew we would, I was sure to burst into tears.

Again
. Right now, I wanted to forget. And eat ice cream.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm fine. We just had a fight. I had to leave.” I took the spoon from my mouth. Darcy looked at it questionably. “Ice cream,” I explained. “Was he mad?”

“Frustrated,” Darcy responded. “But not angry. He sent us all home.” Her voice spiked. I eyed her, wondering if she was telling the truth. The bar had been busy. It was odd that Jack would close down for the night. Not exactly great for business.

Hearing that sent a little tingle running down my spine. Maybe it was him? I shook my head. The last thing I needed to think about right now was Jack. How had I managed to turn this two-minute conversation toward him?

“I'm just going to go to bed,” I lied, stifling a fake yawn and trying to look convincing.

She nodded, but I got the feeling she didn't believe me.

“Okay, well, call me if you need me.”

“I will. I'll come over tomorrow.” I smiled. I shut the door and resumed my position on the sofa.

So Jack had closed early. I glanced at my phone and saw it was just past eight. Really early. And just like that, I was back to thinking about him. What he was thinking, I had no idea. I thought
I
was hot and cold when it came to relationships, but he was on a whole other level. He made
me
look stable.

I giggled at the thought. The truth was, thinking about Jack occupied my mind and stopped me thinking about other things.

I sighed as another rap on the door filled the room. Getting up, this time I took the ice cream with me. I opened the door and saw Alex standing there, grinning.

“Hey,” I began, shocked to see him. I'd have expected Jack before I did Alex.

“Hey,” he replied, looking embarrassed. I hid the tub of ice cream behind my back and reached over to flick the lights on. Alex turning up at my home made me awkward. But maybe that was just because I was feeling low, and having him here to witness that made me feel like my progress was taking a step back. “Look, I'm sorry just to rock up like this, but I wanted to check on you.”

“Check on me?” I repeated. “So, obviously you've spoken to Jack.”