Beautiful to Me. (5 page)

             
“How about you?” She asked. “Nothing too much to talk about. I have three brothers. I’m a middle, well actually third born. I have a younger brother and two older ones. Michael is the oldest, he’s 25 years old. Then there is David who is 23 years old. Me, Dominic, I am 17 years old and the baby is Joseph who is 12. He was my parents little “Souvenir”  from a vacation.”

             
Ivy laughed at that analogy. “Have you lived her all your life?”              

             
I shrugged my shoulders. “Yeah, not living quite the exciting life. We go on vacations and stuff but we grew up here, my brothers and I. How about you?”

             
Ivy seemed to look tense after asking here where she was from. “I don’t know, I guess we were originally from Michigan. Mitchell and I grew up in Michigan. Then after he passed, My father moved to Florida. He lives with his new family in Ft. Myers Beach. My mom then, decided she needed to “find herself” and we have been traveling ever since.” She said looking down.

             
“Hey, what’s wrong? So you moved around a bit. No biggie.” I tried to cheer her mood up so she wouldn’t feel bad.             

             
“I know, it’s just… Well, it just seems my mom gets restless every few months. I have been to 3 maybe 4 schools a year. Seems after 12 weeks or so, sometimes a little longer, she decides we need to try another place. I actually stopped unpacking. Seems to be a waste of time moving all over all the time. You know?” She looked sad.

             
“I’m sorry if I upset you. You haven’t had much of a break through these last few years. I apologize for asking such personal questions.” I said looking down at her. And perfect timing, our pizza arrived.

             
We dug in right away, Ivy seemed to love the pizza, and of course, I feel it is the perfect food. Having all major food groups in the same dish, perfect. I explained my theory on all the food groups being incorporated into pizza, she laughed. Trying to convince me that tomato sauce was not a vegetable. I beg to differ. But I let it go.

             
“So, where were you last?” If I can ask. I said with caution.

             
“Yeah, you can ask me anything you want. We lived in Texas. First near San Antonio. “Lakeland Air Force Base.” My mother worked there. Then we moved to Dallas. and we lived on a ranch there. I learned how to ride horses, and fell in love with boots. Well, not these per say, but boots in general.”

             
“Good to know…” I said with a smile. “You must have a lot of friends all over the place huh?” I asked grabbing my third piece of pizza.

             
“Nah, not really. I don’t stay any place long enough to make close friends. My past from Michigan seems like a lifetime ago. I wasn’t on the social media websites that we all have these days, back then so, things were different. I was too young for computer social pages. My parents didn’t want me involved with anything on the internet. Once I get more involved with high school, well after Mitchell died, I really almost did anything I wanted. My parents were lost in their own misery.” Ivy stopped on her second piece, not eating more than half her second slice.

             
“Your not hungry?” I asked looking confused now.

“
What? No I was really hungry. I had almost two huge slices.” She showed me her plate like I didn’t believe her. I just rolled my eyes and took my fourth piece. I had the staff wrap the rest of Ivy’s side for her to take home.

             
Ivy got quiet all of a sudden. “What are you thinking about?” I asked her looking down at her. “I was just thinking that maybe if you want to be friends, we can keep it a secret. That way no one will give you a hard time for talking to me and trying to ‘pretend’ to be nice to me, and no one will bother me, accusing me of stealing you from anyone because we don’t congregate in the same social circles.” Ivy said looking sad, but still trying to convince me she is really happy with her fake smile. “Are you embarrassed by me Ivy?” I ask trying to tease her. “What? You have to be kidding, you would probably be embarrassed with people knowing you talk to me.” I let out a long sigh after she told that. “Listen to me,” I began with, picking up her hand, placing it between both of mine. “I am the one who mistreated you. You haven’t been mean to anyone. Yet the stupid assholes I am friends with seem to think you are some sort of punching bag. Granted, I am as much to blame as they are. However, I refuse to continue to do that to you, as well as stand by and allow any one else to. Ok?” I say gently and pull her hand up to my lips and lay a kiss on her knuckles. Ivy still looking around trying to not look at me, still twisting around and fidgeting. “Fine, if you want to keep our friendship a secret for now, I won’t say anything, but if anyone bothers you and I hear about it, heads will roll. Ok?” I ask Ivy, hoping that soothes her worries. “Ok. Thank you Dominic.” She says finally looking back up at me. “Now, let’s find us a movie.” I offer, pulling out my phone.

             
We both easily agree on a movie. The latest James Bond movie we decided on and it was great. We both like 007 movies, and we both love chocolate. So we loaded our arms with chocolate things and jumped into our theater viewing room and found us our seats. Both of us, completely engrossed in the movie, it was really great. Once we left, Ivy said she needed the rest room, so I dropped her off there and told her I would meet her at the door of the theater. I was happy how the night went. I think Ivy was a really genuinely sweet girl and really wore her big heart on her sleeve. I find myself looking out at the parking lot through the glass doors, waiting for Ivy and I hear familiar voices. I close my eyes and bow my head down. I rake my hand over my face and curse under my breath as I turn around, slapping a smile on my face, praying these moron’s leave or Ivy takes a long time.

“
Bro, what cha up to? I didn’t know you were here. Who you with?” Tyler spewed out all in one breath trying to get details on my date.

“
Come on man, it’s not like that. Just went and seen a movie is all.” I said watching the ladies room door and the door I wanted to get Ivy out of with out anyone giving her a hard time.

“
Look who it is, our fearless leader in the flesh.” Lena sang out as she walked over with her little gal pals from her squad. “Hey Lena.” I said with a nod. We all fell into a conversation and I looked up and seen Ivy. Fuck, she didn’t look good. She started walking towards us, and didn’t make eye contact with me or anyone else.

             
“Hey guys, look who is hear. Hi Ivy.” I said, trying to keep my promise to her about keeping our friendship a secret.

             
“Oh good Lord, Ivy did you really come here alone? Don’t you have an dignity? On date night of all days. Isn’t that sad?”

“
Lena, shut the fuck up.” After I said that she twisted her neck to look at me so fast, I could of sworn it was going to just spin off her shoulders like one of the toys “tops.”

“
Hey Ivy, you need a ride?” I offered, which just caused Lena to hackle herself into hysterics. “Oh good Lord! Dominic, please don’t sink to her level. You are so much better than that.” Lena said as she motioned her hands around in disgust. “Go one, poison Ivy girl, we don’t need you tonight.” Lena said pretty terrible and it made me sick I was acting like that as well. “Lena, I sweat to Christ, you are so fucking lucky I am a God fearing man and I don’t hit women. If I did, I would have knocked you on your ass, a long, long time ago. Leave me alone.” I grinded out through my twitching jaw. Ivy just took off out side and I was really pissed. “Lena, WTF… She was with me you bitch.” I spit at her. “You have joke to be kidding. Dude; get out now while you have you have a chance. That Ivy chic is dangerously close to wanting to slide up and down your body.” Tyler explained, actually looking back at me, like he just shared a very philosophical mind blowing result from a test study.

             
“No, you listen, dude. I am no longer playing this stupid child’s game with you two. Pull it together will you please? Ivy does have feelings, she is a real person. I personally begged her to forgive my childish behavior. And what about the two of you? Feeling  proud of yourselves for breaking down the new girl? Fuck, I didn’t know how terrible we have really been. Now, if you can excuse me, I have someone to catch up with.” I said through a very watchful eye. That comment got both of them tongue tied. And I was happy I stood up for Ivy.

             
I took off, flying into a movie theater. I looked around to see if she was in the parking spot we pulled into. DAMN IT!

Chapter 3.

Ivy

Don’t Wake Me if I am Dreaming

I cannot believe what a dumb ass I am. As soon as I seen them all talking, I needed to get out of there quickly. First, not to embarrass myself. Second, not to upset or embarrass Dominic. I wanted this to stay between us, and he goes and acts nice, wanting to chat with them. WTF! Now, I finally got through the parking lot, and I am jumping between trees and bushes so no one can see me. Especially Dominic. I
’m actually not too sure of where I really am, since I only go to school and back home. Who the hell cares? Ah… That would be no one. I start my walk of shame, hoping to find something I recognize and also, to really think. Think about things I have been considering for a while. I don’t want anyone to know. I don’t want to think I am trying to get attention. I only write in my journal and no one can find that. I wear boots a lot because no one can see what I do to myself. Addicted to cutting. Cutting is something I do to relieve the pain inside of me, by inflicting a different form of pain on the outside. It’s actually pretty soothing. Feeling physical pain, is easier to deal with than psychological pain. The pain I feel in my heart, I can barely deal with day to day. The physical pain I feel that I do to myself, is nothing compared to what I carry around inside of me.

             
My father doesn’t like to hear of my idea of going to see a head doctor. He thinks they put more ideas in your head and just cost money to do nothing but give someone more things to work through and some sort of snowball effect of needing constant therapy. Personally I think that is horse shit, but since he carries my insurance and I am not 18 yet, I don’t really have a choice.

             
Which brings me to think about after high school. If I were to stick around, what really would I do? I don’t really have any interests. I am sick of hurting inside. I try to mind my own business and still people just bother me. Why am I not likable? I mean, can’t people be nice and try to get to know you first? Then if you turn out to be a total bitch, then hate them.

             
I like thinking about dying. I like planning how to do it. I like thinking about no longer being sad, or lonely. Even if there is nothing after death, and it’s just dirt and darkness. At least I won’t have to be made fun of every day. Sometimes I wish and pray for a disease. Why did Mitch have to die? Everyone loooooved him. He was everyone’s favorite. He treated me like I was the best thing since apple pie. Why couldn’t I be the one to get sick and die? No one would even notice if I were gone. I barely see my own mother. My father forgets to even call me to say Happy Birthday.

             
No, I need to think about how I can kill myself. To be honest, it’s the only time I don’t feel like crying. I actually get excited to plan it. To dream of how I can make everyone feel good or terrible that I am gone. And then there is Mitchell. Maybe I will get to see him again. Maybe I can talk with him again if I wasn’t still here.

             
I find it actually comical that no one worries about me. I have shown such maturity dealing with my parents divorce and my brother dying they all think I am strong like bull and don’t need anyone to make a big deal over me. Funny how much I enjoyed being held by Dominic on my birthday under the bleachers. And tonight fun too.                                          I am really amazed at how many times my mind goes back to thinking of 500 ways to kill yourself every day. Like now, walking around who knows where. I could lay on the train tracks. I could jump in front of a truck. I could lay out here in the cold until I freeze to death. And then I think of what sort of pain I would feel for each way. I could poison myself. I could slit my wrists, or hang myself. Jump off a building, or over dose.  Put a plastic bag over my head or drown myself. Ah… The possibilities. Then I feel bad that I want to do it. I keep trying to convince myself it’s the best thing to do. Find the easiest way. The least amount of pain. Over dose, or letting a car fill with carbon monoxide.

Alcohol poisoning. I don
’t know.

             
As I was walking around, who knows where, I find a park and run off to go into it. There is a park light on. So at least I can see where I am in the park. I head over to the swings. Swings bring back good memories. 

             
Mitchell used to pick me up from middle school. I chuckle at the memories of them. All my girl friends were in love with him. Mitchell always made a fuss over me. He would take me to the park, and we would have races on the swings to see who could go the highest or fastest. Sometimes we had marathons throughout the park play areas. Like ten swings, jump off, 5 slides down the slide. Run over to the monkey bars, cross twice and slide into the flag pole. I know Mitchell usually let me win. God, I miss him.