Beautifully Damaged (29 page)

"Trace, there's more; Heidi was with him."

He stopped, mid-stride, and turned his head to me and I could tell we were thinking the exact same thing: "what the fuck."

"She seemed genuinely upset that we didn't stay together but it was no coincidence that she and Dane were together. I know you're mad but I did tell Rafe about the encounter and Trent was there. I've been very careful."

"And yet a few days after this you went out alone with Chelsea."

My heart nearly stopped as tears started burning my eyes because I realized where Trace's thoughts were going. Jesus, I didn't even think of that.

"Trace, I would never intentionally put her in harm."

He took a few steps closer to me before he hissed, "Regardless of intent, Ember, what would you have done if it hadn't been Lena that approached you that day? What if it had been Dane or Todd or both? You didn't just put yourself at risk you also put Chelsea at risk and she's been through enough in her young life. Until I handle Dane, I want you to stay away from her," and then he turned and walked out.

I just stood there staring at the door unable to get my feet to move because I was really fucking angry; he lumped me in with all those who were out to get him and his sister. I suppose if I was being completely truthful, there was a nice dose of hurt there, too, because he walked out. I had always thought myself a mild-tempered person but Trace has the power to make me deliriously happy, heartbreakingly sad and really fucking angry. I'd cried more since I've known him than I had in all of my life up to that point. I suppose there really is some merit to the expression, "there is a fine line between love and hate". I'm not sure how much time passed, no more than five or ten minutes, when the door opened and Trace walked back into the apartment. He closed the door behind him before leaning back against it. The look of contrition burning in his eyes made my heart sigh. He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans as he looked at me.

"I walked away again."

"...but you came back."

There was a ghost of a smile tugging on his mouth before he replied,"I suppose that's progress."

"...it is, Trace."

"I'm sorry about what I said to you regarding Chelsea. She's very lucky to have you."

I said nothing for a few moments as I worked to calm my temper. I understood what fueled him -- what had him saying what he did -- but still for him to have said those words to me wasn't fair. I knew it was just another instinct honed from years of abuse and neglect and it was because of this that I bit my tongue instead of slaying him alive. My eyes never left his so I saw that he was worried which had me offering, "You were right, Trace, in that I should have been more careful and not put her in that situation. I didn't think it through and for that, I am really sorry."

"No, what I said was cruel, Ember, cruel and untrue. My lashing out at you was instinct but that doesn't make it right. Chelsea and I are both very lucky to have you in our lives. Forgive me."

I smiled since I liked his words, a lot.

"I forgive you." and then I said, "About Dane."

He moved from the wall and walked over to pull me into his arms.

"I can't talk about that right now. Just thinking about that motherfucker makes me homicidal. I need some time to cool off. I'll be in my office."

"Okay."

He pressed a kiss on my forehead before he released me and started down the hall. He was halfway to his office when I called to him.

"I know this is hard for you, going against instinct, but thank you for coming back."

He stopped and looked back at me from over his shoulder. "On the contrary, it was surprisingly easy, Ember, because I was coming back to you."

My heart swelled with love as I watched him disappear into his office and then I did a little victory dance. He walked away but he came back, that was most definitely progress.

Later that night I was making dinner when I heard the door to Trace's office open. The sound of his footsteps down the hall had my heart fluttering. I turned my head just as he appeared in the doorway. He leaned up against the doorjamb as his hands found the pockets of his jeans. I turned more fully around so I could just stare. Damn, the man was beautiful.

A smile touched his lips before he said, "We need to talk about Dane."

"Okay."

"He's a sociopath, Ember, and for whatever reason he's fixated on you. You're going to have to be really careful when you are out and about. Ideally, I would rather you not be out on your own, not until we handle him, but I won't ask that of you."

"How exactly are we going to handle him?"

He clenched his jaw as his eyes sparked with fury before he said, "I want to rip his fucking head off and throw his body in the Hudson but I imagine that would be frowned upon."

"Probably, but not by me."

"Seriously, Ember, I don't know what we're going to do about him but you have to be extremely careful."

"Okay."

Trace lowered his eyes as the oddest expression washed over his features. He looked uncomfortable, almost nervous, before his eyes lifted to me.

"Trace, what's wrong?"

"I can't be upset with you for not being completely forthcoming when I haven't told you everything either. I called your dad and asked that he and your uncle come for a visit this weekend. There's one more thing that I need to share with you and your family."

I studied him and realized that it wasn't nervousness it was panic. "Trace?"

"I've been trying to figure out the best way to tell you and I'll admit that I've procrastinated in telling you because there really isn't a good way to say what I need to say."

His expression changed as that empty look -- the one he got when his demons were pulling him down -- crossed over his features. I moved to him as tears smarted my eyes. I won't lie I wanted to demand that he tell me whatever it was he had to say but I bit my tongue because of that look in his eyes.

"Please don't look like that. Whatever it is, Trace, whatever you have to say we will deal with it together."

He didn't hesitate to wrap me in his arms before he whispered,"God, I hope that's true."

Trace was unusually quiet for the rest of the week but I didn't miss the looks he gave me when he didn't think I was looking. I didn't know what was going on in his head but I hated seeing him looking so tormented.

Friday night arrived and when I heard the bell I started to the door but Trace was already there pulling it open for my dad and uncle.

"Hello, Shawn, Josh, please come in."

"It's good to see you, son." My dad offered and then he turned and smiled at me.

"Emmie."

"Hi, Daddy and Uncle Josh. What a treat to see you two in the same room."

My dad looked embarrassed before he offered, "You get your temper from me."

I laughed as I moved into his hug.

"Where's mine?"

I couldn't help the grin since my uncle always had a way of making me feel like a little kid and I loved it. I hugged him hard before I led them to the living room. Once they were settled, I started to the kitchen to get the iced tea and cookies I had plated earlier but Trace stopped me.

"I'll get it. You stay and catch up with your family."

There was a remoteness to Trace that I knew was another survival instinct. He was distancing himself as a means of protecting himself. What the hell did he have to say that worried him so? I watched him go before I joined my dad and uncle on the sofa.

"It's nice to see you two have worked it out." My dad said as he studied me closely.

"You look happy, Ember."

"I am."

"Do you have any idea what Trace wants to talk with us about?" My uncle asked.

"I don't but I know he's worried about our reactions."

"He sounded a bit off when I spoke to him earlier in the week." My dad offered.

Trace walked in at that moment and set the tray on the table. He settled in the chair opposite us and rested his elbows on his knees. His head was down, and I had the sense he was working out how he wanted to say whatever it was he had to say, and then he lifted his head and looked directly at my dad.

"It isn't by chance that I know your family." His eyes moved to mine before he added, "It also wasn't simply that chance meeting at Sapphire that made me interested in you; that meeting wasn't really by chance at all. That night was the first time we spoke but it wasn't the first time I saw you. I knew you grew up in Fishtown, knew when you got your scholarship to UofD and I knew the exact day you moved into the city." He looked down for a moment before he lifted his eyes to mine again.

"I own Clover, Ember, and it was through me that you learned of the opening. I didn't get your job for you; I only made sure you knew that there was a position. I should have told you, when we first met, that you worked for me but telling you only a half-truth was still lying to you. In order for me to tell you the truth, I was going to have to explain how I knew of you to begin with and I just wasn't ready to have that conversation but I am now."

His confession had me almost speechless but I did manage a rather weak, "Go on."

"After my parents died I moved to Manhattan; I was able to do so from a trust fund my mom setup for me. I was really fucked up when I first arrived but after I got Chelsea settled, I spent over a year getting to know the two people who were my parents. My mom was weak and was totally under the control of my dad and my dad was a real bastard."

"While I was going through his papers, I learned that in the early nineties he used to work a factory job in Fishtown. I found an article that was tucked away with his papers about a hit and run and when I dug a little deeper, I realized the car that had been seen fleeing the scene matched my dad's. I found receipts from a garage for repairs on that car and it was then that I put it together. That was when I sought out your family, sought out you. I felt responsible and since he was no longer around to make amends I felt that I should. I watched over you and offered a nudge here and there to help push something along that you wanted. Even when you moved into the city I tried to keep my distance but I helped whenever I could to make sure you were happy."

"I didn't plan on meeting you that night at Sapphire but I wasn't sorry that I did. And, yes, I made myself more visible to you after that because the woman I saw that night who was sweet but tough and shy but brave, well, you were unlike anyone I'd ever known and I wanted, no I needed, to know you better."

"I never set out to fall in love with you but I did, Ember. I fell in love with you -- truly, completely and hopelessly -- and by then I was afraid if I told you the truth that you, all of you, would hold me responsible and hate me for it."

"I walk away, Ember, and have repeatedly done so because I don't deserve to find happiness with you knowing how much my family has cost you."

I was having a bit of trouble following Trace and that was probably because his words were causing a long, painful pull on my heart but I needed to understand what it was he was trying to tell me. Before I could ask him to clarify, my dad did so and the tone of his voice was not one that I'd heard before.

"...hate you for what, Trace?"

There were tears in his eyes as he held my dad's hard stare before he whispered, "It was my dad who was driving the car that killed your wife."

I felt my heart drop just as my dad stood. His face was turning red and his hands were fisting at his sides. My uncle, I think, was in shock as was I. Trace stood and his expression was completely unreadable before he said, "I should have told you sooner. I never should have slept under your roof and accepted your hospitality knowing what I did. I can only offer in way of an excuse that I love Ember and I found a family with her and I was terrified that once she knew what linked us that I would lose her."

My dad's voice was whisper-soft when he asked, "How old were you when you put it all together?"

"Sixteen."

My heart ached when I asked, "And as a sixteen year old, who was struggling to deal with your own abuse and the medical care for your younger sister, you sought to ease the pain of a little girl you never met because you felt responsible for your dad's actions?"

His eyes found mine before he replied softly, "Yes."

I lowered my head because my tears were coming too fast for me to control as my shoulders shook from my silent sobs. My dad and uncle were equally quiet. When Trace spoke, his voice was so pained it had me looking up at him.

"I'm sorry I deceived you, all of you. I understand that you don't want anything to do with me." His eyes looked right into mine before he said, "I do love you, Ember, always will."

He started to walk from the room when I called to him.

"These tears are for you, Trace, not me."

He looked completely baffled by that comment and the look was so adorable that a small smile touched my lips. I was looking at Trace so I didn't see my dad move until he was standing just in front of him. My heart started pounding since I didn't know what my dad was going to do. There was only one thing that could make my very reasonable father go over the edge and that was his wife; he cast my uncle out for three years for merely suggesting that he marry again. My stomach was in knots as I watched and then my dad pulled Trace into his arms and hugged him. I was so surprised my jaw dropped. When my dad stepped back, there were tears in his eyes.

"It was your dad driving that car, Trace, not you. The fact that you sought us out and felt responsible speaks to your character, son. You are a good man."

My dad turned to me before he offered, "I'm going to go back to the hotel because I need some time. I'll be back in the morning."

My uncle stood and walked over to Trace before extending his hand.

"That couldn't have been easy and it took a hell of a lot of guts. Thank you for telling us because, even after all this time, knowing what happened to Mandy brings a measure of closure." He turned to my dad.

"I'll go back with you, Shawn."

I stood and walked to my dad and hugged him hard and whispered, "Are you okay?"