Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (10 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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Richard Boone made an interesting choice when cast as Paladin. For most of his career, Boone played the bad guy. With his scary countenance, gravelly voice, and pockmarked face with a bulbous nose, he was not your stereotypical hero. I found the paradox of a homely, smart guy dressed in all black, portraying a good guy, fascinating. It showed me that you cannot always judge a book by its cover and that appearances are not always what they seem. But most of all, it taught me that protecting innocent men, women, and children—especially those who cannot protect themselves—is one of the highest callings of a man. Paladin was not a soft, passive man. He was a “man’s man” who used his strength, skills, and talents to right wrongs and protect the innocent.
Guard at the Gate
 
One of the key innate roles in males is the need to protect what is “his.” Even young boys are possessive about things and territories they consider theirs. Of course, protecting what a man or boy considers his can lead to either noble or greedy behavior. In its worst form, this possessive drive turns into selfish, greedy actions. In its best form, passed from father to son, it gives men the courage to lay down their lives for their families. Generally a man teaches a boy the difference between protecting what is his legitimate responsibility and just being greedy. For purposes of this discussion, let’s consider “his” to be related to a healthy perspective of his family.
A man protects his wife and children in many ways. He is the guard at the gate of his home. He either allows disreputable characters into his castle or bars their way. These untrustworthy and dishonorable characters approach the gate in the form of friends, movies, television, music, and other forms of influence—some subtle and some not so subtle. Even if a man cannot completely bar these intruders, his impact as a father and husband can counteract these unhealthy influences.
A man’s ability to protect his family begins with his involvement in his family members’ lives. He spends time with them. They live under the shade of his broad shoulders and feel the security of his protective influence. By spending time with them, his character rubs off on them and his protective influence wraps itself around them. A man must actually have a
relationship
with people so they know he cares about them before he is able to use his influence. Without his physical presence through time spent with his wife and children, his influence is rendered ineffective. Even the strongest man’s home is open to invasion if he is never present.
Physical Protection
 
The most obvious way men guard their families is through physical protection. Criminals and other nefarious types of men who would prey upon women and children generally look for those alone without the protection of an adult male. Just like predators in the wild, they always look for the sick and weak because they are the easiest to kill and the least likely to inflict injury upon them. Men can often sense vulnerability in women and children. Those who have no moral compass use that skill to prey upon those vulnerabilities. It’s why single moms and their children are often targeted by bad men. But the presence of a healthy adult male sends those men seeking easier targets.
My presence in the home and with my family when we go places provides a big level of protection for them. My commitment and duty to meet all the young men my daughter dates (even if I don’t always want to) decreases the likelihood that she will be with a man that will take advantage of her. In fact, the presence of good men keeps entire neighborhoods from falling into decay and crime.
The truth is that men are so much stronger physically than women, which puts women more at risk than most of them realize. I often see women alone or in pairs walking in dangerous areas or even hiking and camping by themselves in the middle of nowhere. I have to shake my head and wonder what they are thinking. I wonder if television and movies that show a woman defeating dozens of men in hand-to-hand combat have given them a false sense of security and safety.
Even though I have equipped my wife and daughter to protect themselves as best as possible through self-defense courses, pepper spray, and handgun training, I hold no illusions that they would be able to defend themselves against a determined adult male. Their ability to recognize dangerous situations in advance and not to appear vulnerable is probably their best defense. They learn those types of recognition skills from me as a form of protection. By explaining how evil men think, what dangerous situations look like, and how to react in surprising and unexpected circumstances, I have tried to teach them to be best prepared to protect themselves. I have also tried to help them have a long-range vision to recognize situations that could become potentially dangerous—to listen to those premonition feelings in their stomach. That is called protection by prevention.
Of course, there is also safety in numbers. Suzanne regularly hikes in remote areas of the Mount Hood National Forest with a group of her friends. Several years ago I encouraged her to get training and obtain her concealed weapon permit. Since then, several of her friends have followed her lead and each carry handguns while in the wilderness. In addition, most of them bring large dogs along. I pity the fool who thinks this group of middle-aged women are easy prey and tries to bother them, only to find himself in the midst of a gang of irate women drawing down on him with a pack of large dogs snarling by their side. I’d like to see the look on his face—that’s a criminal who is going to be in for a big surprise.
Education/Teaching Life Skills
 
Besides physically, a man protects his wife by having the vision not to put her in circumstances that could be dangerous. For instance, by keeping her car in good working condition, he prevents her from breaking down in a dangerous part of town or on a deserted stretch of highway. My wife likes to run the car down to its last drop of gas before refueling. Every chance I get, I make sure she has gas in her car. I also regularly change the wiper blades, check that the oil and other fluids are filled, and keep the tires properly inflated.
A husband can protect his wife by making sure their budget is within their means and that they don’t make risky financial decisions. He might make sure he has adequate life insurance coverage so she and the children are provided for financially should anything happen to him. That way his family is not put in a situation that could potentially compromise their values and safety in order to survive if he were to die unexpectedly. I have met so many women over the years whose husbands died with no life insurance and left them and the children destitute. It seems very irresponsible to me. Women who have been abused or abandoned early in life often tell me they treasure feeling protected above any other mood or need.
A man also helps protect his wife by making sure she is not under the influence of people who would do her harm. That sounds a bit controlling, but I can think of several circumstances over the years in which I felt people who did not have my wife’s best interests at heart were influencing her. I had to gently try to point those things out to her so she could make a decision as to whether that was true or not. This can be a very touchy situation and needs to be handled with love and grace and only when you are sure of the circumstances. But I expect my wife to warn me when I might not be aware that people are trying to take advantage of me or deceive me. In fact, I often rely on her greater intuition abilities and her more developed ability to read people’s emotions if I am not sure about their motives. Likewise, as a man, I probably have a greater ability than she does to see through what people say and judge them by their actions and not their words.
As an example, Suzanne and I spoke at a women’s retreat recently. One of the other speakers was a man who spoke very eloquently and passionately. He said all the right things and virtually had all of the women in attendance enamored with his holiness and the power of his words. Behind the scenes, though, I began seeing where his actions did not correspond with his words. Instead of being a noble servant of God, he showed signs of being controlling, petty, and self-serving—somewhat of a false prophet. After a period of time it became apparent that he was more of a Fagin-type character from
Oliver Twist
—a father to everyone, controlling them in their brokenness. It took quite a bit of convincing and pointing out examples before my wife was finally able to see his actions above his words.
Men are generally better judges of healthy masculinity than females are. I recently warned a group of single moms about a man similar to the one described above. However, they ignored my advice and continue to seek his counsel. One if them chided me by saying, “We are big girls and can take care of ourselves.” Unfortunately, it is obvious, judging by their past choices in life, that they aren’t necessarily capable of making healthy decisions (especially about men), and they ignore masculine advice regarding another male at their own peril.
Emotional and Psychological Protection
 
Another way a man protects his woman is emotionally and psychologically. We’ll talk later about a woman’s tender heart and easily hurt feelings, how she views the world holistically, and how her nurturing nature causes her to be significantly impacted by hurtful words, actions, and circumstances in her life and in others’ lives. One way I protect my wife is by doing the monthly bills and managing our finances. Having formerly owned my own company and now being in full-time ministry has provided many opportunities over the years to experience the mercurial ups and downs that go with financial independence. She stresses out too much when we are struggling financially and would rather not know when we are teetering on the brink of disaster. Some women are blessed with financial skills; she is not.
Another way I have protected her emotional psyche over the years is by not allowing our children to be disrespectful or rude to her. It may be a small thing, but one that many single moms or women with passive husbands are battered by.
And of course I try to help lend her an objective slant during an emotional crisis or confrontation. Sometimes the emotionality of a woman causes her to view circumstances in a more drastic format than necessary or to want to escalate a disagreement unnecessarily. I’ve observed this many times during the years of having a wife and a teenage daughter in the home.
Watchman on the Wall
 
God created men to be spiritual leaders and protectors of their wives. Part of the calling or responsibility of men is to be a “watchman on the wall,” to stand in the gap spiritually for our families. Men were created to be spiritual warriors or “strongmen.” When Mark 3:27 says, “No one can enter the strong man’s house and plunder his property unless he first binds the strong man, and then he will plunder his house” (NASB), it indicates that a man has not only the physical ability but also the spiritual ability to stand in the doorway of his home and block out evil forces. If done properly, not even Satan himself can get past him. This provides a tremendous level of protection and security for his family. Unfortunately, many men are not being spiritual strongmen or are doing it poorly, thus putting their families at risk.
While women have the great ability of “women’s intuition,” they sometimes appear to be more easily deceived by those who would do them harm. Perhaps their trusting and nurturing nature allows them to more easily believe people are basically good. They also have a propensity to believe people’s words above their actions.
A husband can pray for his wife’s wisdom and discernment and for her protection from people who would deceive her, to keep her safe in circumstances where he can’t. Potential deceivers include well-intentioned gossips, legalistic Pharisees, or misguided religious zealots with distorted biblical doctrine. I have heard some very strange interpretations of biblical theology over the years, even from some well-known, high-profile pastors. Making sure you and your wife stay grounded and in line with healthy biblical principles and guidelines is a powerful form of protection.
A man who wants to be a spiritual leader in his home should read the Word of God (the Bible) aloud to his family (Eph. 5:26). This forms a minimal layer of spiritual protection for them.
God has also given a man the authority to protect his wife or daughter spiritually or otherwise through intercession. In the Old Testament, if a wife or daughter made poor choices or vows, a father or husband had the ability to nullify those decisions (Num. 30:3-8). This was one of the powers of headship God granted men to help them protect those under their charge. This was predicated under the assumption that the head of the family had healthy spiritual discernment and wisdom.
I have even seen men who were new believers have the God-given ability to discern when their wives were getting involved in an unhealthy spiritual environment. One man was able to discern that his wife had gotten involved in a spiritual cult during his absence. Had this man not asserted his authority or had he been complacent in making a decision to remove her from that environment, his wife and family could have suffered significant spiritual consequences.
Another way a man provides spiritual protection is by praying for his wife and daughter. His prayer coverage apparently carries great weight with the Lord (James 5:16). A man can help protect his wife spiritually by praying for her and their marriage, especially if they pray together.

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